The other day, it was revealed that someone had searched the phrase "why did president norwood wilson make fourteen points" to find this blog. I made a bold promise that I would make good on this inadvertent bit of found art and I would soon post a list of President Norwood Wilson's 14 Points. It was exhausting and harrowing, but I managed to do it.
1. You shall have no other Presidents Norwood Wilson before me.
2. If I ever feel like coming over to your house, I can do it. Totally unannounced. You have to have good snacks, too, or else I'll get so mad and I will yell and scream and shit myself.
3. When I come over unannounced, you must open up the door and say, "Hi, the President!" To this, I will respond, "Hi, the Common Man!" (If you are a woman, you have to take this like a man.) We will then either kiss on the mouth or exchange fish, depending on which side of the street you live on. This is our custom. These are the things we do. Religion dictates that we must.
4. Simon says, "Go fuck yourself." Simon Says is the worst game and anyone caught playing it is going to be sorry.
5. On the subject of games, Capture-the-Flag is the best of them all. It is the national game and anyone caught not playing it is going to be even sorrier.
6. Have you heard of pizza? It is the best.
7. Any man out in public without a hat is a certifiable bastard, and you can tell him so. If he gives you back-sass, show him your fist and beat him with it.
8. Never tell anyone anything. You end up missing everybody.
9. Breakfast is for thieves, foreigners, and homosexuals. This isn't a judgment call, I'm not saying I don't like those people. I'm just saying they're the only ones allowed to eat breakfast.
10. But actually, I don't like those people.
11. I don't like most people, frankly.
12. I read a study that said we should all be drinking so much more water!!!
13. Somebody ought to do something about this whole "poverty" thing.
14. A general association of nations must be formed under specific covenants for the purpose of affording mutual guarantees of political independence and territorial integrity to great and small states alike.
Showing posts with label fake things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fake things. Show all posts
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Top 20 Fake People
20. Joe Bloggs
This is the British version of John Doe and it has the word “blog” in it, so it’s as good a place to start as any.
19. John Doe
Hey, John Doe. We were just talking about you. How’s your sister/wife Jane? PS: You killed so many people in the movie Seven! How many exactly? Spoiler! Not seven!
18. John Q. Public
This has more of an average-American connotation than John Doe… which more often than not connotes dead-or-missing-guy.
17. Ola Nordman (or Erika Musterman, in Germany)
Other countries… they’re just like us! (Only their average guys have different names!)
16. Tommy Atkins
You’re right, Brits… your average army-man needs his own average-sounding name! It’s no wonder you won all those World Wars on your own. Oh, wait. JK… (The “Rowling” is implied.)
15. Israeli Israeli
This guy is distant cousins with Brooklyn Brooklyn and someday hopes to share a condo with Boca Raton Boca Raton.
14. Walter Plinge
Okay, now we get into actually interesting people. This is what happens when a British actor doesn’t want to be credited in the program(me)… they go by this name! Haha—how delightful!
13. George Spelvin
This is the same, only American, and therefore, more just and free. (Also, Christopher Durang named a character in a one-act "George Spelvin". Oh, Chris… you would.)
12. David Agnew
This is the same, only for a BBC writer who is contractually obligated not to use his real name. Apparently it’s all the rage in the Dr. Who-niverse. PS: Someone explain Dr. Who to me. I hear it’s good, but seriously, I have so little time.
11. Alan Smithee
This is once again the same, only it’s used by American film directors who don’t want to be associated with a particular film. Actual credits include several episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures and the music video for Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”!
10. Allegra Coleman
Fake model/actress invented by Esquire, portrayed by Ali Larter. Oh, Ms. Larter… remember when you were just happy enough to wear a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues. Oh wait, that was three years after this hoax. Um… yikes?
9. Lazlo Toth
So there’s a guy named Don Novello. He used to play Father Guido Sarducci on SNL. He also used to write letters to CEOs under the name Lazlo Toth (as in Laszlo Toth, the dude who tried to kill the Pieta with a chisel). Ah, life.
In short, Ms. Tinasky was a fake bag lady who wrote charming but vitriolic letters to various Northern California newspapers… she was thought to be the creation of Thomas Pynchon, but now it’s believed that she was the brainchild of peripheral Beat poet, Tom Hawkins.
7. Ted L. Nancy
Not Jerry Seinfeld, as so many believed. Still damn funny.
6. The man on the Clapham omnibus (or in Australia, The man on the Bondi Tram)
Am I the only one who finds this phrase indescribably creepy?
5. P.D.Q. Bach
Fictional son of J.S. Bach, invented by Peter Schickele. There’s really nothing like classical musicians telling jokes. Nothing. Nothing like it in the world.
HE WON AN OSCAR, PEOPLE. And Donald, we’re all still waiting on The Three… even though it was basically the same plot as Identity. (Go ahead, Peter… collect your Not-Even-the-Fiftieth-Person-to-Say-That Award.)
HE WROTE THE PRINCESS BRIDE, PEOPLE. Well, so says William Goldman. But how badass of a first name is S? (Answer: No less badass than using S as your entire middle name… Harry S. Truman.)
Fictional hockey player drafted in 1974 by Buffalo Sabres general manager Punch Imlach—BECAUSE HE WAS ANNOYED AT HOW LONG THE DRAFT WAS TAKING. “Oh, man… this sandwich is taking so long to be made. I’m just going to invent a person.” Oh, wait… I do that all the time.
1. Sidd Finch
UM, HEY EVERYONE. Sidd Finch is the best thing ever. George Plimpton made him up as part of a Sports Illustrated April Fools’ Day hoax. He was a New York Mets prospect, raised in the Himalayas, schooled in the ways of Buddhism… and impressively gifted with a 168-mph fastball. Plimpton went on to write a book about his creation. I swear to God, you have to read it.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Top 27 Fake Gang Names
Um, so I was going to do, like, a good list... but instead I read a lot about gang warfare on Wikipedia. Is there a truer sign of privilege? Anyway, I was doing that because I watched Gangs of New York the other day, a movie I defend beyond its own grave. Seriously. I would put myself through a What Dreams May Come-type scenario for that movie. Hell and back, babe. That scene with Day-Lewis draped in the American flag, waking Leo up after a crazy night of Cameron Diaz (PS: Who let YOU in this movie, period-piece-version-of-Andie-MacDowell?)... oh man. Chilling. Beautiful. "I never had a son," he says! That's how he intimates, "I feel like a father to you," he implies the symbolic relationship by pointing out the absence of the real thing!
Aaaaaaaah. Anyway, here are some fake gang names I made up. USE THEM! DON'T GET ARRESTED THOUGH! By the way, Dead Rabbits? Really? That's what you called yourselves, guys?
27. The Muckdogs
26. The Caps and Gowns
25. The Flying Squirrels
24. The Nasties
23. The Once and Future Kings
22. The Band-aid Boys
21. The Ragin’ Aged
20. The Blastocysts
19. The Blue Bastards
18. The Green Bastards
17. The Periwinkle Bastards
16. The Third-stringers
15. The DVR Heroes
14. The Fast Babies
13. The Etruscans
12. The Black Amish
11. The Sharkjets
10. The Jetsharks
9. The Beestings
8. The Backwards Dicks
7. The Robo-Gators
6. The Greek Jesters
5. The Sixth Avenue Existentialists
4. The Dutch Ticklers
3. The Bruces
2. The Winsome Charlies
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