20. Joe Bloggs
This is the British version of John Doe and it has the word “blog” in it, so it’s as good a place to start as any.
19. John Doe
Hey, John Doe. We were just talking about you. How’s your sister/wife Jane? PS: You killed so many people in the movie Seven! How many exactly? Spoiler! Not seven!
18. John Q. Public
This has more of an average-American connotation than John Doe… which more often than not connotes dead-or-missing-guy.
Other countries… they’re just like us! (Only their average guys have different names!)
16. Tommy Atkins
You’re right, Brits… your average army-man needs his own average-sounding name! It’s no wonder you won all those World Wars on your own. Oh, wait. JK… (The “Rowling” is implied.)
15. Israeli Israeli
This guy is distant cousins with Brooklyn Brooklyn and someday hopes to share a condo with Boca Raton Boca Raton.
14. Walter Plinge
Okay, now we get into actually interesting people. This is what happens when a British actor doesn’t want to be credited in the program(me)… they go by this name! Haha—how delightful!
13. George Spelvin
This is the same, only American, and therefore, more just and free. (Also, Christopher Durang named a character in a one-act "George Spelvin". Oh, Chris… you would.)
12. David Agnew
This is the same, only for a BBC writer who is contractually obligated not to use his real name. Apparently it’s all the rage in the Dr. Who-niverse. PS: Someone explain Dr. Who to me. I hear it’s good, but seriously, I have so little time.
11. Alan Smithee
This is once again the same, only it’s used by American film directors who don’t want to be associated with a particular film. Actual credits include several episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures and the music video for Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”!
10. Allegra Coleman
Fake model/actress invented by Esquire, portrayed by Ali Larter. Oh, Ms. Larter… remember when you were just happy enough to wear a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues. Oh wait, that was three years after this hoax. Um… yikes?
9. Lazlo Toth
So there’s a guy named Don Novello. He used to play Father Guido Sarducci on SNL. He also used to write letters to CEOs under the name Lazlo Toth (as in Laszlo Toth, the dude who tried to kill the Pieta with a chisel). Ah, life.
In short, Ms. Tinasky was a fake bag lady who wrote charming but vitriolic letters to various Northern California newspapers… she was thought to be the creation of Thomas Pynchon, but now it’s believed that she was the brainchild of peripheral Beat poet, Tom Hawkins.
7. Ted L. Nancy
Not Jerry Seinfeld, as so many believed. Still damn funny.
Am I the only one who finds this phrase indescribably creepy?
5. P.D.Q. Bach
Fictional son of J.S. Bach, invented by Peter Schickele. There’s really nothing like classical musicians telling jokes. Nothing. Nothing like it in the world.
HE WON AN OSCAR, PEOPLE. And Donald, we’re all still waiting on The Three… even though it was basically the same plot as Identity. (Go ahead, Peter… collect your Not-Even-the-Fiftieth-Person-to-Say-That Award.)
HE WROTE THE PRINCESS BRIDE, PEOPLE. Well, so says William Goldman. But how badass of a first name is S? (Answer: No less badass than using S as your entire middle name… Harry S. Truman.)
Fictional hockey player drafted in 1974 by Buffalo Sabres general manager Punch Imlach—BECAUSE HE WAS ANNOYED AT HOW LONG THE DRAFT WAS TAKING. “Oh, man… this sandwich is taking so long to be made. I’m just going to invent a person.” Oh, wait… I do that all the time.
1. Sidd Finch
UM, HEY EVERYONE. Sidd Finch is the best thing ever. George Plimpton made him up as part of a Sports Illustrated April Fools’ Day hoax. He was a New York Mets prospect, raised in the Himalayas, schooled in the ways of Buddhism… and impressively gifted with a 168-mph fastball. Plimpton went on to write a book about his creation. I swear to God, you have to read it.