Thursday, January 29, 2009

Top 20 Fake People

20. Joe Bloggs

This is the British version of John Doe and it has the word “blog” in it, so it’s as good a place to start as any.

19. John Doe

Hey, John Doe. We were just talking about you. How’s your sister/wife Jane? PS: You killed so many people in the movie Seven! How many exactly? Spoiler! Not seven!

18. John Q. Public

This has more of an average-American connotation than John Doe… which more often than not connotes dead-or-missing-guy.

17. Ola Nordman (or Erika Musterman, in Germany)

Other countries… they’re just like us! (Only their average guys have different names!)

16. Tommy Atkins

You’re right, Brits… your average army-man needs his own average-sounding name! It’s no wonder you won all those World Wars on your own. Oh, wait. JK… (The “Rowling” is implied.)

15. Israeli Israeli

This guy is distant cousins with Brooklyn Brooklyn and someday hopes to share a condo with Boca Raton Boca Raton.

14. Walter Plinge

Okay, now we get into actually interesting people. This is what happens when a British actor doesn’t want to be credited in the program(me)… they go by this name! Haha—how delightful!

13. George Spelvin

This is the same, only American, and therefore, more just and free. (Also, Christopher Durang named a character in a one-act "George Spelvin". Oh, Chris… you would.)

12. David Agnew

This is the same, only for a BBC writer who is contractually obligated not to use his real name. Apparently it’s all the rage in the Dr. Who-niverse. PS: Someone explain Dr. Who to me. I hear it’s good, but seriously, I have so little time.

11. Alan Smithee

This is once again the same, only it’s used by American film directors who don’t want to be associated with a particular film. Actual credits include several episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures and the music video for Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”!

10. Allegra Coleman

Fake model/actress invented by Esquire, portrayed by Ali Larter. Oh, Ms. Larter… remember when you were just happy enough to wear a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues. Oh wait, that was three years after this hoax. Um… yikes?

9. Lazlo Toth

So there’s a guy named Don Novello. He used to play Father Guido Sarducci on SNL. He also used to write letters to CEOs under the name Lazlo Toth (as in Laszlo Toth, the dude who tried to kill the Pieta with a chisel). Ah, life.

8. Wanda Tinasky

In short, Ms. Tinasky was a fake bag lady who wrote charming but vitriolic letters to various Northern California newspapers… she was thought to be the creation of Thomas Pynchon, but now it’s believed that she was the brainchild of peripheral Beat poet, Tom Hawkins.

7. Ted L. Nancy

Not Jerry Seinfeld, as so many believed. Still damn funny.

6. The man on the Clapham omnibus (or in Australia, The man on the Bondi Tram)

Am I the only one who finds this phrase indescribably creepy?

5. P.D.Q. Bach

Fictional son of J.S. Bach, invented by Peter Schickele. There’s really nothing like classical musicians telling jokes. Nothing. Nothing like it in the world.

4. Donald Kaufman

HE WON AN OSCAR, PEOPLE. And Donald, we’re all still waiting on The Three… even though it was basically the same plot as Identity. (Go ahead, Peter… collect your Not-Even-the-Fiftieth-Person-to-Say-That Award.)

3. S. Morgenstern

HE WROTE THE PRINCESS BRIDE, PEOPLE. Well, so says William Goldman. But how badass of a first name is S? (Answer: No less badass than using S as your entire middle name… Harry S. Truman.)

2. Taro Tsujimoto

Fictional hockey player drafted in 1974 by Buffalo Sabres general manager Punch Imlach—BECAUSE HE WAS ANNOYED AT HOW LONG THE DRAFT WAS TAKING. “Oh, man… this sandwich is taking so long to be made. I’m just going to invent a person.” Oh, wait… I do that all the time.

1. Sidd Finch

UM, HEY EVERYONE. Sidd Finch is the best thing ever. George Plimpton made him up as part of a Sports Illustrated April Fools’ Day hoax. He was a New York Mets prospect, raised in the Himalayas, schooled in the ways of Buddhism… and impressively gifted with a 168-mph fastball. Plimpton went on to write a book about his creation. I swear to God, you have to read it.


Anonymous said...

Reinhold Messner. Ok, there is a Reinhold Messner who happens to be a mountain climber. I don't think HE is fake.

Reinhold Messner is the guy that Ben Folds and his friends would use on their fake IDs. That man is therefore a fake. There you go.

Also, Tony Clifton. He's a faker too.

Letters from a Nut! said...

Hahah great to see Ted L. Nancy get his due. I always thought it was Seinfeld too until they came clean.

I also agree with the other commenter. Tony Clifton is a good one.