Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Top 12 Proposed Sequels to 2008's Oscar-Contenders

Alright, I don't watch enough movies to tell you what the best ones in 2008 were.  I considered doing something like "the best movies in 2008 from somebody that didn't see that many movies in 2008," but then I decided that it would be more fun to write fake sequels to critically-acclaimed movies, only some of which I've seen.

12. Dawn

The Dark Knight, as we learned, was darkest just before Dawn.  How is Dawn?  Pretty bright.  Almost too bright, actually.  The light kinda gets in Batman's eyes.

11. The Retired Wrestler

Might he wrestle one last match?  Nope.  He's retired.

10. Changeling 2: This Time It's Actually a Sci-Fi Movie

Made with the intention of appeasing those who went to a film called Changeling and were treated to a total of zero alien shapeshifters.

9. Vicky Cristina Elena Maria Sonja Melinda Portland

Vicky and Cristina take some friends to a new location.


WALL-E questions his relevence when Eve is wooed by a smooth-talking brother robot with the titular name.

7. Non-Dairy Creamer

After the tragic loss of Milk, a healthier substitute is found.

6. Revolutionary Garage

Tagline: "Every road ends somewhere."

5. Rachel Getting Divorced

Rachel then draws Anne Hathaway's character into her next deadly addiction: chocolate.  Written by the woman who draws Cathy.

4. Frost/Off

Robert Frost must switch faces with Nicholas Cage to increase the ratings of his TV interview show.

3. Slumdog Wife Swap

In his appearance on another game show, Slumdog Millionaire's protagonist is again accused of cheating.  By his wife.  Cheating, like sex.

2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: Return to the Womb

Speaks for itself.  Spans 9 months instead of 80 years.

1. Assurance

90 minutes of Philip Seymour Hoffman molesting a boy.  This time he definitely did it.


neonspecs said...

#4 is like a Studio 60 sketch.

Rob said...

Oh, man the Nicholas Cage, couples counselor sketch. The one where you could watch Aaron Sorkin thinking, "Well, not everything on SNL is uber-preachy. Sometimes they do celebrity impersonations, right? ...Right? Am I doing this right now?"