Top 9 Worst Possible Entries to This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

As some of you know, it is a personal goal of mine to someday win the New Yorker Caption Contest.  If you are also interested in doing so, you would do well to read this excellent Slate article.  But it's really much more fun to write terrible captions.  A practice that, incidentally, has its own contest.

9. "Order in the court!  Haha, get it, because everything is in disorder!  Hehehe, I crack myself up.  Of course, I better, because there's nobody else here.  God, I miss my wife."

8. "Is that flag touching the ground?  If it is, I have to burn it.  Oh, it's not?  Damn.  I really wanted to burn something."

7. "Where's Waldo?  It's me.  I'm Waldo.  I got older and stopped dressing like a fuckwad."

6. "Where'd that marmot go?  I'm gonna hit him with my hammer.  Gavel, hammer, whatever.  This isn't actually my job.  It's a post-apocalyptic world and I like running around to different places and pretending I'm in positions of power.  Everyone else is dead."

5. "What's that piece of string on the ground?  Oh, is that the cartoonist's signature?  Haha, that was funny.  That would really have cracked my wife up.  God, I miss her."

4. "Who spilled my orange juice!?!?!?!"

3. "It's a shame that this happened at such a groundbreaking trial.  I mean, the trial of the magical plant that could stay stiff and keep its pot apparently suspended in mid-air when it was turned upside-down on the ground.  It would've been one for the ages."

2. "The next item up for bid is lot #4619, two papers."

1. "Is that an iron on the ground?  Wow, that brings back memories of my wife.  She used to iron a lot.  Once I grabbed it from her and swung it around my head like a lariat and then smashed her face in with it.  I think the iron was on, too.  God, I miss her."