Hey! Sometimes I like to take a break from posting lists of fictional whatevers or the best whatevers of whatever year, and instead, tell you about how great I am! Did you guys know that I have a secret-special talent? It is sleeping. No, not sleeping for a long time. GUYS, I CAN SLEEP FRIGGING ANYWHERE. It has been tested and proven and enjoyed. Here are some highlights!
12. Sleeping bag
Hey, have I ever told you how much I enjoy camping? Well, I do! I enjoy camping to a sufficiently manly/environmentally-aware degree. (And sleeping bags account for a good third of that enjoyment.) True story time—when we moved into our current apartment, I didn’t have a bed! Sooo, I slept in a sleeping bag, sometimes with a pillow. (The pillow makes me sound a little creampuff, but I assure you, I was half-roughing it.) For a while, I was pretty sure I didn’t need a bed at all! In retrospect, this entire period of my life was one gigantic mistake.
11. Table, on top
11. Table, on top
A good sturdy table, to be sure. Hey, some people like a very firm mattress. What is a table, if not a very, very, very firm mattress that you can eat on? (Answer: a table.)
10. Table, underneath
10. Table, underneath
Ah, that’s more like it. During exam time, it just makes sense! Hey, we’ve all been to college. (ATTN: If you are reading this and you have yet to attend college, congratulations, you are the coolest friggin’ kid in the sixth grade. Ask your mom for pizza party money!) Anyway, there is no better respite after writing 25-30% of your 12-page paper on the Neural Correlates of Kickin’ Ass and Takin’ Names then a little three-hour nap under a library desk.
9. Pool table
Hey, so I have a few pictures of myself sleeping on Matt’s pool table. I don’t know why or how or who took these pictures. (But here are potential, quick-hit possibilities: a) because I was tired, b) by getting on top of the pool table and falling asleep, c) a yeti.) The expression on my face could be described as mirthful and content, so I guess it was not so bad?
The less said, the better.
Not with the water in it, of course. But just because I was locked out of my double once (on account of the sex going on inside it), so I borrowed a pillow and slept in the tub. Hey! Incidentally! There’s an excellent bit in How I Met Your Mother (new episode tomorrow night) in Season One’s “The Pineapple Incident” in which Barney wakes up in a tub. We are not so different, Barney and I!
It’s an old stand-by. Like, if you stay up late watching the special features on the Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead DVD, you’re not just going to drag yourself over to the bed. Hey, that’d be work! You will most likely slump over onto the box of croutons you have been unconsciously-yet-doggedly consuming and drift of to Dreamland.
5. Plain ol’ floor
…later that night, you will fall onto the floor. The croutons will go everywhere, but you won’t bat an eye. You will be too busy dreaming of Andy Garcia’s sultry baritone and boat drinks.
4. Chaise lounge
Better done at night than, oh, say… 2:30 in the afternoon. Oh, it’ll be nice going under, but when you awake, you will be a crispy strip of pain and regret.
3. Pile of laundry
I’m not ashamed—it was comfortable! Both times! And it was fresh, so I smelled like the mountains in the morning. Hey! I ask you, who doesn’t want to smell like the mountains. (If you raise your hand, you are a liar and you don’t understand the concept of the internet. I can’t actually see you. Yet.)
2. Sheetless mattress on the floor
True story time, part two! During my sophomore year, I became possessed by the idea that I needed to attain real estate. Since I was a poor college kid, I did this by bartering for access to people’s spare rooms. At one point, I “owned” at least four residences across the Columbia campus. My favorite, and ultimately most consistent residence was Frank’s L-room. (An L-room, for people who don’t have imaginations, is a room shaped like an L. It’s also very, very small.) The L-room was only large enough to fit a sheetless mattress on the floor, a sink, and a toilet. I wrote approximately one-hundred thirty plays while living in the L-room and they were all about despair.
Hey! These days, I sleep on a futon. The thing is, I have it folded out, so it is technically a futon-bed right now. HOWEVER. If you ever sleep on a futon in couch-mode, it can potentially be the most spiritually defeating experience. The very furniture you are sleeping on whispers to you, “HEY! LAZY GUY! YOU ARE SO TIRED THAT YOU COULDN’T TURN ME INTO A BED! COUCHES WERE MADE FOR MEN LIKE YOU!” Fortunately, there are positive futon-experiences, as well. My senior year, a bunch of my friends were living in a suite together and they gave me full access to their futon. We even called it FUTOWN. (Do you even get that joke it is art.) That futon got me through some times, dudes. We played a lot of NHL 2008 on that futon. (Colin, those were legitimately the days.) Some days, I’d wake up and Becky would be making coffee; other days, Phil would be making tea! (And she’d share it!) Yeah… looking back, I had it real good. Real good. Video games, caffeinated beverages, and a futon.