Sunday, January 11, 2009

Top 14 Things Santa Claus is Probably Doing Now

He only really gets one important night, and any post-work break he's taken has to be done by now, right?

14. Sending the elves back to the coal mines

Sure, some of them will develop pulmonary diseases, but dammit, what if lots of kids are bad next year?

13. Watching football on the new TV he got himself for Christmas

Santa was a Panthers fan, but is probably just going to be a fairweather Cardinals fan now.

12. Watching Mrs. Claus sew him new boots on the sewing machine he got her

To be honest, he was kind of thinking of himself on this one.

11. Watching the DVD of Hudson Hawk he got Mrs. Claus

To be honest, he was completely thinking of himself on this one.

10. Using his sateillite person-watcher to watch non-Christians in third-world countries

Nope, no presents, and yep, their lives still suck.

9. Exchanging the blue suit that the head elf got him for Christmas

Seriously, blue?

8. Watching the reindeer re-exclude Rudolph

Zero to hero and back to zero again.  Every damn year.  The storm ends and Rudolph still looks like an idiot with a LED in the middle of his face.

7. Slowly starting to go through the pile of cookies he jacked on Christmas Eve

I bet you thought he ate them all that night.  He doesn't.  If he did that, he'd be obese.  Well, he is obese, but it's a pituitary problem.  He actually eats quite well.

6. Slowly starting to go through the milk he jacked on Christmas Eve

It's all spoiled, but seriously, there are starving people in the world, and nobody sees that more than Santa.

5. Masturbating

4. Getting caught up on the last season of Lost, but not being all that into it

Santa's magic and he doesn't even believe some of this shit.

3. Moving the stick in the ground marked "NORTH POLE"

Yes, there is a stick in the ground.  And if Santa moves it, the Earth's rotation changes to make that the real North Pole.  He does it just to mess with scientists, whom he hates.  Also, Santa's a creationist.

2. Working on his sled

Mrs. Claus doesn't understand how he can spend so much time tinkering with it.  Especially because, it's like, just a sled.  There aren't mechanical parts to it or anything.  You can only wax up the runners so much, you know?  Mrs. Claus suspects that he's probably just avoiding her.  He is.  It's not that he doesn't love her anymore, it's just...complicated.

1. Returning to his 364-day a year drinking habit

It's not alcholism if it doesn't interfere with his workday!

1 comment:

Caitlin said...

15. Golfing with Bob Cratchestein