Top 14 Things Santa Claus is Probably Doing Now

He only really gets one important night, and any post-work break he's taken has to be done by now, right?

14. Sending the elves back to the coal mines

Sure, some of them will develop pulmonary diseases, but dammit, what if lots of kids are bad next year?

13. Watching football on the new TV he got himself for Christmas

Santa was a Panthers fan, but is probably just going to be a fairweather Cardinals fan now.

12. Watching Mrs. Claus sew him new boots on the sewing machine he got her

To be honest, he was kind of thinking of himself on this one.

11. Watching the DVD of Hudson Hawk he got Mrs. Claus

To be honest, he was completely thinking of himself on this one.

10. Using his sateillite person-watcher to watch non-Christians in third-world countries

Nope, no presents, and yep, their lives still suck.

9. Exchanging the blue suit that the head elf got him for Christmas

Seriously, blue?

8. Watching the reindeer re-exclude Rudolph

Zero to hero and back to zero again.  Every damn year.  The storm ends and Rudolph still looks like an idiot with a LED in the middle of his face.

7. Slowly starting to go through the pile of cookies he jacked on Christmas Eve

I bet you thought he ate them all that night.  He doesn't.  If he did that, he'd be obese.  Well, he is obese, but it's a pituitary problem.  He actually eats quite well.

6. Slowly starting to go through the milk he jacked on Christmas Eve

It's all spoiled, but seriously, there are starving people in the world, and nobody sees that more than Santa.

5. Masturbating

4. Getting caught up on the last season of Lost, but not being all that into it

Santa's magic and he doesn't even believe some of this shit.

3. Moving the stick in the ground marked "NORTH POLE"

Yes, there is a stick in the ground.  And if Santa moves it, the Earth's rotation changes to make that the real North Pole.  He does it just to mess with scientists, whom he hates.  Also, Santa's a creationist.

2. Working on his sled

Mrs. Claus doesn't understand how he can spend so much time tinkering with it.  Especially because, it's like, just a sled.  There aren't mechanical parts to it or anything.  You can only wax up the runners so much, you know?  Mrs. Claus suspects that he's probably just avoiding her.  He is.  It's not that he doesn't love her anymore, it's just...complicated.

1. Returning to his 364-day a year drinking habit

It's not alcholism if it doesn't interfere with his workday!

Top 5 Bits of Hanukkah Slipped Into Christmas Specials/Albums

Well, Peter and I are done celebrating our holiday now, but Hanukkah is still going strong.  In the interest of Hanukkah (sort of) and our Jewish friends (we have them), I would like to present to you four classic Christmas recordings that engage in a little Jewish tokenism.

5. "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" in Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

Perenially the only Hanukkah song any gentiles know, it's a quick-and-easy go-to when you need some Judiasm in the middle of too much Christmas cheer, especially when it's sung by the token Jewish character on a TV show!

4. "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" on Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

And...again!

3. "Light One Candle" on Peter, Paul & Mary's A Holiday Celebration

This is the one that inspired the list--near the end of one of the all-time classic Christmas albums (at least to me), you get hit with a really beautiful song about Hanukkah that Paul (a gentile) actually wrote.  As it turns out, it's one of the best and most memorable on the album.  Nice!

2. "Can I Interest You in Hanukkah?" on A Colbert Christmas: the Greatest Gift of All

Alright, so this one is self-aware about its tokenism (to be fair, so is South Park), but it doesn't mean that Jon Stewart hasn't crafted a Hanukkah classic for the ages.  Just kidding, it probably does!  I don't know anything about Hanukkah!

1. Barbara Streisand on Barbara Streisand's A Christmas Album

One of the best-selling Christmas albums of all time, it--HOLD UP.

Top 16 Good Samaritan Actions You Could Do for the Holidays

The other day, I lost my wallet.  I had used a Metrocard to take the subway uptown back to school, and once I was there, I realized I didn't have my wallet anymore.  I freaked out, cancelled my credit and check cards, and got a new school ID.  Then, I got an e-mail.  Somebody had picked up my wallet.  I called the guy--he didn't want anything from me, just to give me my wallet back.  I tried to get him to at least take the cash in it, and he wouldn't.  He just met me outside a subway stop near where he lived, handed me my wallet, and said, "Happy Holidays!"

This is seriously one of the most amazingly nice things anyone has ever done for me, and he was a complete stranger.  Most people I know wouldn't try to extort someone if they picked up a wallet--but also most people I know--nice as they are--wouldn't take the responsibility by picking up a wallet from the ground (which you know someone dropped by accident) and then try to contact the person.  With all that in mind and with a new belief in humanity and New Yorkers, let me present 16 things you might do for strangers this holiday season.

16. If you see a wallet on the ground, pick it up, leave the cash in it, and return it to its owner.

15. If you see a watch on the ground, pick it up, reset it to your atomic clock at home so it is more exact, then use a Craigslist posting to return it to its owner.

14. If you see a bike that isn't chained up, chain it up, then wait by it until the person who owns it comes back, then unchain it for them.

13. If you see a cell phone on the ground, pick it up, call the first person on the recent calls list, tell them they've won ten dollars, then give it back to the person who actually owns it.  The other person won't get ten dollars but they'll think they're going to for a bit and that will make them happy.

12. If you see a car that's left idling with its keys in it, take it for a spin around the block and then go to an auto body shop to soup it up before you give it back.  Soup it up with big rims and turbo boosters (I don't know anything about cars okay).

11. If you see a lone shoe on the ground, search far and wide until you find its brother shoe.  Then put those shoes together and sell them on eBay.  Then tell the person who bought them they can have them for free.  Then find the person who lost the original shoes and give them a hug.

10. If you see a small bird without a mommy bird, take the bird in and feed it until it soars on wings of its own.

9. If you see a glass that is half empty, fill it a little, so it's less than half-empty.  If you want, you can tell people that now it's half-full, but technically, that would be wrong.

8. If you see a tree whose roots have been exposed in a public place, cordon off the area with orange tape until the grass grows back in to protect the trees nutrient uptake mechanism.

7. If you find a television that someone has thrown in the trash due to a minor electrical malfunction that you can easily fix with your pocket toolkit, do so.  Then, before you return it to its owner, reprogram the television so it can no longer access QVC, because maybe the person knew it the TV could be easily repaired but threw it out because they are addicted to buying things on QVC.

6. If you find a copy of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Eegah!" on the ground, I'd like that, bring it to me, thanks.  No, it does not matter who the original owner is in this case.

5. If you give a mouse a cookie, deny him the milk.  It is kinder to be cruel in this case.

4. If you find a boomerang and see a person several hundred feet away looking for a boomerang, don't just throw it at them!  It will come right back to you!  Pick it up and walk it over to them.  Then throw it and it will come back to where you both are.

3. If you find a reason to live, share it with others.  Maybe it is good one for someone who is about to kill him- or herself.

2. If you find a man half-dead with no clothes on the road from Jerusalem to Jericho, bandage his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.  Then put the man on your donkey, take him to an inn, and take care of him.  The next day take two silver coins and give them to the inkeeper, saying, "Look after him, and when I return, I will reimburse you with any extra expense you may have."

1.If you see a wallet on the ground, pick it up, leave the cash in it, and return it to its owner SERIOUSLY SOMEONE DID THIS FOR ME!!!!

13 Signs That It's Christmas in Hell's Kitchen

13. Xmas costumes on the mannequins in the porn shop.

I mean, how else would I know that it's Christmas? The sexy nurse outfit is gone, the sexy elf outfit is in full effect--God bless us everyone, indeed.

12. Inflatable Mary and Joseph at the Salvation Army.

Also, the other day I saw a tiny, tiny girl in a tutu walking in. I really hope there was an amazing Christmas pageant held at the SA and that the tiny, tiny girl in the tutu was some sort of Star of Bethlehem or Christmas Spirit or Christmas Miracle.

11. Beer-guzzling Santa painted on the Latitude front window.

Latitude has become our go-to birthday bar, due to the spacious upstairs area and the remarkably decent pool table. Latitude has also yet to grasp the concept that text printed on a window will not read the same from both directions.

10. Gutter Rockstar singing profane Christmas carols.

"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-fuck-shit-pussy!!!" Yeah, I haven't heard that one. He is immersed in the Christmas spirit, though. In fact, he's positively stained with it.

9. Vinyl has a huge wreath in their circular window.

Full disclosure. I was struggling for items on this list, so I went to Tom and Caitlin for some good words... they both immediately jumped to Vinyl's window-dressing. This is indicative of the people I live with? (I jest, I joke, I jibe--they are the all time greatest. I hope I find them under the tree on Christmas morn. The thing is, I probably will, although the only reason they'll be under the tree is 'cause that's where they passed out.)

8. The harshly festive (or festively harsh?) winds of 11th Ave.

Caitlin and I refer to all portions of the HK past 10th as Detroit, since, ya know, it kind of looks like the Motor City (slash it looks like a bombed out area of Bosnia-Herzegovina) and the environs are just as inviting. Well, anyway, the wind has been whipping through Detroit like a friggin' ninja laser these days. Time to break out the balaclavas.

7. Expired eggnog in stock at the Food Emporium.

I managed to grab one carton of the non-expired stuff--apparently Southern Comfort makes 'nog? That's craze, yo.

6. The lackluster Xmas window at Lo Duca...

Jordy said that the three brown dance shoes and the red hat are obviously indicative of reindeer and Santa. I am not buying it. I am literally not buying it. I have yet to make a purchase at Lo Duca Shoes. Do I feel bad about this? Honestly... kinda. They're my neighbors, after all. When I was a kid, I had an old Polish lady for a neighbor and she gave me Easter candy and a Herschel Walker football. (And I loved Herschel Walker, lopsided trade or not.) I suppose she's still alive. Good on ya, old Polish lady.

5. ...and the exceedingly gay Xmas window at Delphinium.

The thing is, Delphinium was the only place in the entire HK that I could find a decent flask. Yes, I own a flask. Who wants to touch/reprimand me.

4. The strip club hawker who claims that if I come in, I can get a "Christmas Miracle".

Sweet Christmas Miracle reference, guy. I'm still not coming in.

3. Starbucks holiday cups, clearly.

Thing is, I have figured out the perfect way to make a Pumpkin Latte without actually ordering one. It involves pouring a nearly psychedelic amount of nutmeg into a venti coffee. (Also, if you have ever tried to trip by smoking/eating nutmeg, you're kinda 'tarded. But it's possible...)

2. S.N.M. is Christmas-themed.

Sunday Night Movie is one of the greatest traditions in our apartment. The Eiffel Tower prides itself on easing the transition into the work week with the communal enjoyment of some theme-appropriate film each Sunday night. December's theme, obviously, is Christmas. Tonight, we watched Scrooged and one Mister Robert Trump was cast as Frank Cross (Bill Murray). His response?

Rob: hehe

sweet

1. Duane Reade is selling Valentine's Day stuff already.

HAHAHA... jokes.

Top 15 Non-Traditional Christmas Songs

EVERYONE. We put the tree up. Operation Christmastime has been initiated. The only thing left to do is wait... and sing!

(I apologize... my patter is rusty after the four day hiatus. More like, "Hi! Ate, us," as in, "Hello, we just ate," because BOY did I eat this weekend. Oh, shut up.)

15. Dogs Barking “Jingle Bells”

If Rob wrote this list, it'd probably be Number One. If dogs wrote this list, it'd probably be Number {Barking Noises}. (That was a little dog humor for y'all, y'all.)

14. "This Christmas", The Dismemberment Plan

Yeah, yeah... this is an obscure cover of song made popular by a totally different artist. Whatevs, man. Whatevs. This song and D-Plan are a perfect marriage. Seek. It. Out.

13. "Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas", Okkervil River

Emo as all get out, but even sad kids love Christmas. And the "float room to room like a ghost" imagery nails the feeling of visiting your old house over vacation. I wouldn't gather 'round the piano to belt this one out, but it's worth a somber, solitary listen.

12. "Family Business", Kanye West

Yeah, why not. I like driving around my old neighborhood to this song. Sometimes it is good to play to one's strengths.

11. "Bizarre Christmas Incident", Ben Folds

Caitlin lobbied really hard for this one and I have to agree, it's a pretty festive treat. Any song with a "Santa is a big fat fuck" sing-and-clapalong a cappella breakdown is welcome at my tree-trimming.

10. "Blue Christmas", Elvis Presley

This is one of only a handful of Elvis songs I'm legitimately into. Does that make me a bad person? Or, like, un-American? I pay taxes, I vote, I'm down with the whole "Never Forget" thing. But I don't get all aesthetically hot and bothered by Elvis.

9. "Same Auld Lang Syne", Dan Fogelberg

Honestly, I should have put this at like, number two, because goddammit, I love this song so much and I don't care what sort of ridiculous person that makes me. I am not entirely sure how much sense this song makes, but every time I hear it in a deli or a cafeteria or in a dentist's office, I want to stand up and sing along, because every word of it is the ecstatic truth. Every moment, from the uber-80's piano intro to the cheesy sax coda, is pure, unbridled, the-mundane-as-the-sublime brilliance.

8. "River", Joni Mitchell

This one time, Rob, Laksh, a bunch of dudes, and I were at West Way Diner after a play, and we broke into this song. We knew all the words, it was amazing. (I think Laksh was a little over it after the first verse, but we kept going.) To be frank, it's only a "Christmas song" because she opens with "It's comin' on Christmas, they're cuttin' down trees..." And y'know what? It's a hell of a downer. It's about a girl who regrets ending things with a guy, so she asks for a river to skate away on. But it's pretty and the piano line is memorable and it evokes a certain, my-parents-love-this-and-now-I-love-it-too feeling, because when you sing it, you feel closer to that time and place, I guess.

7. "Fairytale of New York", The Pogues with Kristy MacColl

As far as Christmas songs go, this is pretty gritty fare. (Not too many of them drop the ol' "faggot" bomb.) It plays like brutally honest, kitchen-sink stuff, though... love is twisted and bitter, life is long and uncertain, you can always look forward to Christmas--somewhere in the whiskey-soaked middle of these truisms, there is a kind of painful peace.

6. "Christmas Time is Here", The Vince Guaraldi Trio

Ubiquitous? Kind of. Semi-eerie? Now that you mention it, yah. Over-played? Never.

5. "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding", Elvis Costello and Stephen Colbert, with friends

I've been gushing about this for a full week now, so I'll try to keep it short. Seriously, watch the special. Sweet harmony.

4. "Last Christmas", Wham!

This is just a flat-out classic. As far as the video goes, though... sure, George--you "used to date" Andrew Ridgely's girlfriend. We all believe you, pal. If you were Ric Ocasek, you would have written "My Best Friend's Girl". But you are a better man than Ric Ocasek. You gave us "Last Christmas". Thanks, guy.

3. "Little Drummer Boy", Bing Crosby and David Bowie

One of my favorite things in the world is Caitlin's love for Christmas. Some people pull for baseball teams, others pull for senatorial candidates, Caitlin pulls for Christmas. When she puts this song on, we always pick parts and mumble through what we remember of the opening dialogue. I guess it's our little non-traditional tradition.

2. "Jesus’ Birthday Party", Caitlin Shure/Shruti Kumar, as performed by Mark Junek

Okay, this one's a little inside. All I'm gonna say is, once upon a time, there was a musical called XMAS: A Secular Spectacular. Caitlin and Shruti gave it birth, Tom and Becky and I wrote a script, Geo and Olivia got us moneys, and Jordy was our mom/choreographer. And this song was the centerpiece. Because on Jesus' birthday party, it's your birthday, too.

1. "Christmas in Prison", John Prine

My dad used to sing this at family Christmas parties, during that awkward part of the evening right before presents... all the little kids fidgeting and sneaking over to the tree, all the adults checking their watches and refilling their drinks. My mom would join in on the harmonies and every time my dad sang the line "Her heart is as big as this whole goddamn jail," he'd smile at me, because he knew how nervous cursing made me. (I was a weird fuckin' kid, man.) Anyway, that's my Christmas memory and this is my favorite Christmas song. There are no actual John Prine versions of this song on YouTube, but this cover is pretty damn good, and WHAT--the Mountain Goats did one, too.