13 Signs That It's Christmas in Hell's Kitchen

13. Xmas costumes on the mannequins in the porn shop.

I mean, how else would I know that it's Christmas? The sexy nurse outfit is gone, the sexy elf outfit is in full effect--God bless us everyone, indeed.

12. Inflatable Mary and Joseph at the Salvation Army.

Also, the other day I saw a tiny, tiny girl in a tutu walking in. I really hope there was an amazing Christmas pageant held at the SA and that the tiny, tiny girl in the tutu was some sort of Star of Bethlehem or Christmas Spirit or Christmas Miracle.

11. Beer-guzzling Santa painted on the Latitude front window.

Latitude has become our go-to birthday bar, due to the spacious upstairs area and the remarkably decent pool table. Latitude has also yet to grasp the concept that text printed on a window will not read the same from both directions.

10. Gutter Rockstar singing profane Christmas carols.

"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-fuck-shit-pussy!!!" Yeah, I haven't heard that one. He is immersed in the Christmas spirit, though. In fact, he's positively stained with it.

9. Vinyl has a huge wreath in their circular window.

Full disclosure. I was struggling for items on this list, so I went to Tom and Caitlin for some good words... they both immediately jumped to Vinyl's window-dressing. This is indicative of the people I live with? (I jest, I joke, I jibe--they are the all time greatest. I hope I find them under the tree on Christmas morn. The thing is, I probably will, although the only reason they'll be under the tree is 'cause that's where they passed out.)

8. The harshly festive (or festively harsh?) winds of 11th Ave.

Caitlin and I refer to all portions of the HK past 10th as Detroit, since, ya know, it kind of looks like the Motor City (slash it looks like a bombed out area of Bosnia-Herzegovina) and the environs are just as inviting. Well, anyway, the wind has been whipping through Detroit like a friggin' ninja laser these days. Time to break out the balaclavas.

7. Expired eggnog in stock at the Food Emporium.

I managed to grab one carton of the non-expired stuff--apparently Southern Comfort makes 'nog? That's craze, yo.

6. The lackluster Xmas window at Lo Duca...

Jordy said that the three brown dance shoes and the red hat are obviously indicative of reindeer and Santa. I am not buying it. I am literally not buying it. I have yet to make a purchase at Lo Duca Shoes. Do I feel bad about this? Honestly... kinda. They're my neighbors, after all. When I was a kid, I had an old Polish lady for a neighbor and she gave me Easter candy and a Herschel Walker football. (And I loved Herschel Walker, lopsided trade or not.) I suppose she's still alive. Good on ya, old Polish lady.

5. ...and the exceedingly gay Xmas window at Delphinium.

The thing is, Delphinium was the only place in the entire HK that I could find a decent flask. Yes, I own a flask. Who wants to touch/reprimand me.

4. The strip club hawker who claims that if I come in, I can get a "Christmas Miracle".

Sweet Christmas Miracle reference, guy. I'm still not coming in.

3. Starbucks holiday cups, clearly.

Thing is, I have figured out the perfect way to make a Pumpkin Latte without actually ordering one. It involves pouring a nearly psychedelic amount of nutmeg into a venti coffee. (Also, if you have ever tried to trip by smoking/eating nutmeg, you're kinda 'tarded. But it's possible...)

2. S.N.M. is Christmas-themed.

Sunday Night Movie is one of the greatest traditions in our apartment. The Eiffel Tower prides itself on easing the transition into the work week with the communal enjoyment of some theme-appropriate film each Sunday night. December's theme, obviously, is Christmas. Tonight, we watched Scrooged and one Mister Robert Trump was cast as Frank Cross (Bill Murray). His response?

Rob: hehe

sweet

1. Duane Reade is selling Valentine's Day stuff already.

HAHAHA... jokes.

Top 3 Jokes for Which I am Now Having a Funeral

First of all, thanks to anybody who came out to see The Calgary Whalers Present: the Deck last night, especially if you came out to see me because now we are best friends.  It was a good time all-around, and I was very happy with my own set overall.

If you came, you may have noticed that my last joke sucked.  It was a rare and unwarranted instance of me believing so hard in a joke that I actually tried it a second time after bombing with it once.  It will now be buried, along with another couple jokes that have recently bombed and I will now bury, just because that makes more than one thing on this list.  Also, if you have never seen me do stand-up, just trust me that I am hilarious and I am burying these jokes because they are my bad ones.  I would write my good jokes here but no they are mine you jerk and come see me perform some time to hear them.  Also, if you think you can turn these jokes into something funny, I give you artistic license to do so, because they're my ideas but I totally failed at it.

3. "I loved The Dark Knight, but when I saw it, people were clapping all the time.  I don't get why people clap at movies.  At a play, it makes sense, because the actors are all right there.  But in The Dark Knight, you're clapping for one of two people.  When stuff explodes or looks awesome, you're clapping for the director, Christopher Nolan.  He's not there.  He can't hear you.  And the other person in that movie you clap for...well, maybe he can hear you."

This is the one I sucked with last night.  I've tried it twice, and it's just never read right.  Last night, I got a bigger laugh out of asking, "Is The Dark Knight still relevant?" before I told the joke than I got with the actual thing.  I was so happy when I thought that I had written a good/smart Heath Ledger joke that I was blinded to the fact that it wasn't as funny or clear as I thought it was.  Also it'll stop being topical sometime soon if it hasn't already.  BURIED!

2. "I want to start a band called Former Member and break it up right away, just so I can be a former Former Member member.  Then I'm going to start a band that reenacts famous album jackets.  We'll be called the Cover Coverers.  Our shows will be no cover."

I think I'm just really poor at delivering this kind of Wright/Hedberg-ian wordplay one-liner humor.  Either that or it's just a crappy version of that.  I wrote part of this when I was listening to a lot of Wright and the other part when I was listening to a lot of Hedberg, and I think the lesson here is don't try to write jokes for other comics or maybe actually probably it's just "write better jokes you dumbass."  Unrelated: I only bombed with this joke once before deciding never to tell it again.  That was a few weeks ago.  BURIED!

1. "I think the worst job in the world is the guy who works at the Maytag call center.  It's actually his job to call people up on the phone and ask them if their refrigerator is running.  Nobody takes that guy seriously.  You know that with luck like that, his actual name is probably Mike Rotch, too."

I have a harder time figuring out why this one sucks than the others.  But it's another one I've bombed with twice, so it's being laid to rest.  Maybe people aren't familiar enough with the prank calls I'm referencing, or maybe they are, and it's just stupid and unfunny.  In any case, BURIED!