6 Screenwriting Tips from Judd Apatow

Hey guys, it's Judd Apatow here to write a guest list!  That's right, I'm the critically-acclaimed, box-office-dominating writer/director of The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up, as well as the executive producer of Superbad and Pineapple Express.  I'm here to make your screenplay stop suckin' a big chode and start boning some chicks way out of your attractiveness range.  Ready--go!

6. Meaningful relationships are between dudes!!!

Here is the first thing to check to see if you wrote a good movie--is the main story arc about friendship between two or more dudes?  If so--nice!  If not--don't worry!  Before I talked to the writers, Superbad was just some dumb teen sex comedy and Pineapple Express some dumb stoner/action comedy.  But with my help, Superbad became a teen sex comedy about the friendship between two dudes!!!  And Pineapple Express became a stoner/action comedy about the friendship between two dudes!!!  Seriously, I didn't even have to give Rogan and Goldberg different dialogue for those two movies.  Just, like, add in one scene where the guys are bein' cool friends, then one scene where they get angry at each other and separate for a bit, then a scene near the end where their friendship is all awesome again!  You don't even need to change the rest of the script!  Tight!

5. ...but be sure to laugh at them if it gets too gay

Friendship is cool, but sometimes when you're bein' all friendly it seems kinda gay.  That's okay--don't remove those parts of the script, just play up the funny, because haha, gays!  Like in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, when they call each other gay, it's funny because who would want to be gay?  NO ONE.  Also, you can thank me for that Pineapple Express scene where they were trying to untie each other's hands and it looked really, really gay.  Haha, oh God, I'm just remembering how gay they looked.

4. Dick jokes!!!!

Shit yeah, bread and butter.  Make sure that there are a lot of dudes who like droppin' joke-bombs about gross stuff like dicks and buttholes.  Here is some dialogue that I have layin' around that you can use if you want:

Dude 1: "My dick is as big as the Eiffel Tower." (This is funny because the Eiffel Tower is BIG!)

Dude 2: "Yeah right, your dick is as big as a snail but smells funnier."  (This is funny because a snail is SMALL and smells BAD!!!  Another thing that is funny is the second level because they eat snails in France (where the Eiffel Tower is also!)!)!

Also note that this dialogue is between two dudes, which can be your main two dudes like in tip #6 if you want!  Nice!!!  I've like, half-written your screenplay already!

3. ...but then make it awkward and it goes from, like, low comedy to high comedy

Okay, so the dick jokes will win over all the chill bros, but we have to make sure that everyone will laugh at this!  The way you do that is have some chick hear their conversation and be all like, "Ugh gross stop talking about your dicks," or just make an uncomfortable face at them or some other dumb shit.  Then it's like, any girl or snob or whatever who is watching the movie will be all, "Oh man it was really about the awkwardness of social interactions and I really like The Office and the British one is better and shit!" or whatever annoying things they say.  Anyway, this way the prudes and movie reviewers will think you're funny, too.

2. On that note, comedy is fun!!!

Seriously, let's keep it real, we're making a movie that's gonna make people laugh.  Then they will tell their friends how much they laughed and stuff and that way you can't criticize them because anyone else can be like, "But did you laugh!" and they'll be all "Shit yeah son!  I love Judd Apatow!" and then everyone in the city will come carry me on my back like some sort of populist film hero or some crap and award me with 10,000,000 awards that they made out of paper and love for me and I'd rather have that than a fucking Oscar anyway because Oscars are shit.

1. ...but drama is fuckin' deep

Really, though, if it makes them laugh but also tugs them where it hurts (the heart and the dick), then you know you have made a great movie.  Like, check the trailer for my new movie, Funny People.

Holy balls, did you see what happened at 0:54?!?!?!  It was all fun and shit but all the sudden ADAM SANDLER IS DYING??!?!?!  MOTHERSHIT!!!  Then the music gets serious and stuff so you know this is the serious part because you're all "Adam Sandler don't die!!!"!

Note that he is NOT going to die but it lets us get at the serious shit about his friendship with Seth Rogen.  Which is a friendship...BETWEEN TWO DUDES TELLING DICK JOKES THAT SOME GIRLS ARE KINDA AWKWARD ABOUT!!! I AM A BRILLIANT GOD OF CINEMA!!!

(Also please make sure to laugh at how they are kinda gay at 2:14)

Top 3 Reasons to Come to the Calgary Whalers SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!!

Hey guys, I know that I said I would stop gumming this up with plugs but I was FILLED WITH LIES!!!!  Because I think you should really go to this show (8:30 at Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd St.), and here's why:

3. The following people are performing: Sam Grittner, Joe Cocozzello, Brandon Gulya, John Knefel, Julie Notwicz, Michael Grinspan

These people are all great!  I have seen half of them and they are great, and I have not seem half of them and they are great, too!!!

2. I will be doing 10 new minutes of stand-up

I was just looking through my shit and realized that I can actually do a completely new 10 minutes, and not just the new 6-7/10 that I usually try to do at these.  Actually, I think I will overlap 1 minute just because I'm incorporating something I did before into a larger bit.  But anyway, you already know I'm hilarious, so see ten more NEW!!! minutes of my hilarity!

1. IT IS THE WHALERS SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY, AND THEIR FATE IS IN YOUR HANDS

I love Justin Grace and Mike Pullan, and I love the show they've been hosting for the past several months.  They're getting the big room at Broadway Comedy Club this time, which will be a way sweeter venue than they usually get, but they've gotta FILL IT UP with YOUR BUTTS if they want to keep doing this (and they do and they should)!!!  SO GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND COME.  YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING FOR ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE AND I HATE YOU JUST KIDDING BUT SERIOUSLY COME.

Top 1 Video of Me Doing Stand-Up Available on the Internet

1. Rob Trump - Stand-Up Comedy at Caroline's

I admit that it bugs me a decent amount how much I flick the stupid little mic cord in this video--it was all dangly and annoying and it wouldn't get out of my way.  But other than that minor quibble--please enjoy!

(Note: I also recently made myself a Myspace Comedy page because it seems like the thing to do.  I didn't intentionally list myself as "Stand-Up / Sketch Comedy / Female" and I don't actually know how that ended up there.  Anyway, add me as a friend or whatever if you're the kind of mongoloid who uses MySpace.)

Top 5 Reasons to Call This Number: 212-757-4100 and Reserve a Ticket to See Me

Okay, I am guilty of over-using this blog to plug my own stand-up gigs, and I will be the first to admit it.  That said, tomorrow evening (1/26/09, 9:30 PM), I will be at Caroline's, which is not only one of the best comedy clubs in New York but one of the best in the country.  I'm not saying I did much special to get this--it's a new talent night, so it's not that hard to get on the roster--but it certainly will be the best place I've performed at, and I'd love for YOU to come.  (A secret: Nobody else can read those last six words but you.)  Here's why:

5. The other people on the roster are reliably good

I attended a Caroline's new talent night this summer, and I was very impressed by a handful of new comedians that had nothing to do with the act I was going to see.  It's a "New Talent Night," but the comics who perform aren't new performers--in short, the quality is waaaaaaay above what you'd get at an open mic.  Also, sometimes established comics drop in to try new material.

4. It's a really nice venue, and they make me a DVD

I don't know if you've ever been to Caroline's, but it's a really great place.  It's big and looks great inside and has a super-classy almost-argyle print on the wall behind the performers.  Here's a picture of Kristen Schaal performing there:

What's more, they make a very nice recording of the performers there that they can use as a video resume of their stand-up.  I don't currently have a good recording of myself doing stand-up, so this would be really great for me.

3. It's only $5 if you call this number (212-757-4100) and say that you're coming to see me

That's a pretty good deal for somewhere between 60 and 90 minutes of good stand-up in 6-minute chunks.  Oh okay, there's also a two-drink minimum.

2. It will be my best material

I'll only be on for 6 minutes, and likely if you've seen me do any stand-up before, at least some of it will overlap with what you've seen.  Come anyway if you enjoyed what you've seen, and at least a few of the bits will probably be ones you haven't.

If you haven't seen me before, my hilarity will BLOW YOUR MIND.

1. Because you love me

Part of how you get this gig is as a bringer event--I pledged that at least 15 people would come see me.  So, if you do it for no other reason, call to make sure I meet my quota.  I WILL NEVER ASK YOU OF ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

Top 3 Reasons to Come See Calgary Whalers Present the Deck Today (Monday, January 19)

Occasionally I do these when I am going to perform some stand-up!  Hooray, these posts are ubiquitous and annoying!  The time is 8:30 PM and the place is Broadway Comedy Club.

3. Justin and Mike will be hosting like USUAL

They will be great hosts like they always are and great people and stuff and also maybe they will talk about the fact that their MADE follow-up has now aired even though I haven't actually seen it but I heard that it did air.  COOL.

2. Sam Grittner, Andrew Ward, For Richard Stands, Mancrush, and Mickey and Sandy will be there

Grittner has been there before, and he's very funny.  I haven't seen any of the rest of these groups before, but I'm sure they'll be great!

1. I will be doing a fully new 10 minutes

Yes these lists always end with me being self-important and telling you to come see me!  This time it will be 10 completely new minutes that you have never heard before! NICE.  Also though some of it might be kinda crappy since I've never done it before.  But some of it will be hilarious and all the more so for being so brand spanking new.  NICE AGAIN.

Top 12 Lowest Forms of Humor

I've thought about writing this a bunch of times, but usually dismissed it as too pretentious and self-righteous.  Well, I don't have any other ideas today, so here goes.

12. Ethnic humor

One of the more obvious candidates as a low form of humor is the mocking of certain ethnicities, usually limited to condescending, unfunny accents or punchlines about the Polish, but sometimes into the realm of outright xenophobia and racism.  (There's a British comic whose material is actually largely about how much he hates the immigrants who work in various stores he frequents--if I could remember his name, I'd link him so you could be amazed that someone like that hasn't been ripped to shreds yet.)  Anyway, this one comes in at the end, because in circles of largely intelligent people, it's pretty-well stamped out, or at least the worst forms of it are.

NOTE: Humor about race or racism isn't necessarily "ethnic humor," and if it's funny, it probably isn't.  I wouldn't consider, say, anything in the British Office to be ethnic humor--it's not about people fulfilling stereotypes, it's about people having racist attitudes.  Which is smart, not low.

11. "That character is so gay" humor

Kind of goes along with the above, but a lot more people are still willing to laugh at a line like, "Gay Bobby, you sure ate all those hot dogs fast!" even though it's no more intelligent than, "Black Bobby, you sure ate all that watermelon fast!"  For that reason, it's higher on the list than ethnic humor.  But just as low.  Or lower.

10. Jokes comparing vaginas to roast beef

I theorize that anyone who has ever made one of these has either never seen a vagina or never seen roast beef.  The latter seems unlikely, but I've heard women make these jokes, and I assume most of them have seen their own vaginas.  In any case, whatever tiny bit of truth there was to it in the first place, it's been so completely washed under thousands of jokes with this at the core that it's really, really unfunny now.

9. Michael Jackson jokes

You'd think these don't exist anymore, wouldn't you?  It's been so long since Michael Jackson been in any way in the spotlight that "Michael Jackson jokes" would seem to be kind of in the realm of "Monica Lewinsky jokes," where people are more likely to make fun of people making them than actually make them in earnest.  So why was there one in the Christmas episode of 30 Rock, the smartest show on TV?  (Kenneth: "Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since me and my brothers went to Neverland Ranch.")  Oof.  I have no fucking clue.

8. Jokes about how much spouses hate each other

Weirdly enough, I see this stuff show up nowadays in poorly-written college-kid stuff probably more often than I see it show up anywhere else.  Which is doubly weird, because it's the demographic least likely to have any sort of real relationship with it.  If your reference point for the relevence of a joke is The Honeymooners, you're probably a little out of touch.

7. Fake book titles with an author named Ima

Is this one too specific?  If so, please pick up How to Write a Better List Entry Next Time by Ima Pologetic.  Ima Nidiot.  Ima Gonna Killa Myselfa.

6. Unnecessarily dated pop culture references

I'm looking at YOU, Family Guy!  And Diablo Cody!  These jokes are dumber than Raphael in that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when he got hit by the stupid ray!  No?  Don't remember it?  That's because I just made it up!  It would be no less terrible of a joke if I didn't!

5. Straight dudes doing something that looks kinda gay

I'm not talking about stuff like the Seinfeld episode "The Outing," where George and Jerry farcically have an argument that is perceived as a couple's argument, then wrestle with their own insecurities.  I'm talking about stuff like the Seinfeld episode "The Doll," where Estelle Costanza walks in on her husband, Jerry, and the maestro playing pool without pants.  (Okay, so Seinfeld was around long enough to do a lot of bad things as well as basically every good thing.)  But seriously, what are we meant to think?  That they're embarrassed because, obviously, gay people play pool without pants all the time?  What the hell?  I think a lot of this humor is based on a mode of thinking that goes something like, "Well CLEARLY it would be extremely insulting to be thought of as gay, so let's laugh at them."  This crap idea also provided that atrocious "trying to get each other's hands untied" scene in Pineapple Express, an otherwise pretty good movie.

4. Jokes that vastly overestimate the power of drugs

"He smoked so much pot that he thought he was an airplane!  We managed to stop him before he took off on a nonstop flight for Denver!"  Pause for uproarious laughter from concerned parents, or someone else who believes that is in any way plausible.

3. "That's what she said."

You guys remember when The Office started doing this, but it was ironic, mocking Michael for being so stupid as to think that it was brilliant?  And then people who were fans of The Office started saying it a lot, but unironically?  Yeah, I don't get people.

2. "Come" puns

Similarly, I have no idea how anyone still laughs at something like, "Sorry you came late, but hey, at least you came, right?"  Bonus negative points and a warrant out on your head if you pair one of these with the above.

1. Dead baby jokes

This is probably the ultimate in fake-edgy humor.  Dead baby jokes are such an established humor trope that you are challenging absolutely nobody by telling one.  Haha, you can laugh at gross things, congratulations, you are so cool.  I will continue to laugh at funny things.

Top 10 Essential Stand-up Comedy Albums that Everyone Should Own

I listen to a lot of stand-up comedy. In compiling this list of the best albums, I tried to ensure my choices were not only very funny, but had, over some amount of time, ensconced themselves in my mind as unique and important pieces of comedy. The latter requirement excluded some of my recent favorites--albums by Todd Barry, Paul F. Tompkins, and Patton Oswalt--that haven't gestated enough since their release to really have a place here. And the former requirement, that the albums had to be really funny, excluded lots of "important" comics like Lenny Bruce, Steve Martin, and Woody Allen. Sorry to be a dick or whatever, but no single album by any of those guys holds up like these do:

10. Bill Cosby - Bill Cosby is a Very Funny Fellow...Right! (1963)

Bill Cosby nowadays is associated with a lot of things--the TV show, of course, and ugly sweaters, and Jell-O, as well as a certain type of black conservatism. But Funny Fellow was recorded before all of that, and it stands on its own as, very simply, a great piece of comedy writing and performing. Bill Cosby is certainly not a social commentator or satirist here--he's not eviscerating religion with his bits on Noah, he's just finding a funny, human angle to take on the Biblical story, and executing it flawlessly. Cosby, really, is all about humanity, and especially being a kid. Coaches give pep talks to kids, cows talk to each other like kids (dialogue that could easily have been written today by Simon Rich), and even Noah has a sort of youthful flippance in his repeated "Right!"

9. Jerry Seinfeld - I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

Seinfeld, by contrast, though he's no satirist either, is all about evisceration. There is some popular alt-comedy conception now of "observational comedy" as being hacky, and I couldn't disagree more. The Seinfeld examinations of what we all do every day, and why it's stupid, are really, as cliché as it is to say, funny because they're true. Seinfeld is quotidian comedy, and it's fucking excellent. Those who have seen every episode of the sitcom (and who hasn't?) already know most of these routines, and may miss some of the best that didn't make it on--the edgiest Seinfeld bit, about suicide and featured in The Suicide, is sadly missing. But most everything on here is gold, Jerry, pure gold:

8. George Carlin - FM & AM (1972)

Carlin, of course, unlike Cosby or Seinfeld, does have that cultural caveat of being remembered as a genuine social critic. And he is--but really, he's good because he knows how to shape that criticism into jokes. As Carlin got older, sometimes he'd forget about that, and playing to an audience that already loved him, shout preachy shit just to get easy laughs. The earlier Carlin has all the same anger but works harder to channel it into jokes. He rips into stupid annoying radio DJs way before David Cross did it, and Carlin's funnier. And if you ask me, the dissection of the word "shit" on FM & AM is funnier than any part of Class Clown's famous "Seven Words."

7. Eddie Izzard - Glorious (1997)

Izzard is a little out-of-place on this list, as his free-form, semi-improvised, hyper-educated comedy would be when compared to almost any other stand-up. He plays with past stories the way Cosby does in his Noah bit--in fact, Izzard has a Noah bit himself--but Izzard is a lot freer, more unpredictable, and more whimsical than Cosby ever gets. Izzard packs a lot of different types of comedy into Glorious, and as a result, it isn't quite as focused as his second-best recording, Dress to Kill. But it's got more memorable jokes per minute than just about any album ever recorded--and you never know when a bit on the Trojan War will unexpectedly become a bit of home-appliance-related observational comedy:

6. Tom Lehrer - That Was the Year that Was (1965)

Tom Leher seems even more out-of-place than Izzard here, and maybe I should have excluded him for being too far in the "musical comedy" vein and away from traditional stand-up. But Lehrer really is very traditional in the setup-punchline mold, he just manages to hide that formula so perfectly in his lyrics that it doesn't stick out at all. In addition, That Was the Year that Was manages to be darker, more cynical, and more politically aggressive than anything on here so far while being older than Carlin by seven years! Such is the advantage of putting your message in a more innocent-sounding medium.

5. Dylan Moran - Monster (2002)

Dylan Moran's Monster is the most recent release I have on here, but I feel confident putting it on, and I even feel confident that its stature will increase with more time, at least for me. Why? Simply put, Monster makes me laugh harder than any other stand-up album I own. The influences are a hazy--you can hear some Izzard, some Carlin and Hicks, maybe--but the voice seems completely Moran's. He's world-weary even though he's not old, angry at things that deserve anger, and surreal, but never in a way that seems calculated, just real in Moran's head. He's probably the least-known comic on this list, and he needs more attention.

4. Bob Newhart - The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart (1961)

Bob Newhart's comedy is fascinating to me because of how utterly not-dated it feels. The one-side-of-a-conversation idea is something that millions of others since have done, and it's a great technique. Newhart essentially leaves the audience to fill in the other side of the conversation and thus the punchline. Perhaps the only things that feel old are how clean Newhart is and how long he spends on each bit (a long time), but both of those are barely noticeable when you're laughing. This was essentially the stand-up comedy album that made stand-up comedy albums a bankable concept--it hit number one on the charts and won the Best Album Grammy. Both in influence and in general financial support of comedy albums, everyone else on this list owes a lot to Newhart.

3. Steven Wright - I Have a Pony (1985)

Comedy nerds who criticize this list may note the absence of Mitch Hedberg, and also, perhaps, if you're a big fan of this type of stand-up, Zach Galifianakis or Demitri Martin. But Wright and I Have a Pony came before and were better than anything ever released by those comics. Wright seemed to rediscover the idea of word economy for stand-up in the 1980s--who else had ever written an original setup and punchline as tight as, "I bought some used paint--it was in the shape of a house"? It's surreal, cerebral, and reliant on wordplay without being stupid and pun-riddled. It changed stand-up forever, and it's still one of the best albums ever recorded.

2. Bill Hicks - Arizona Bay (1997)

As Wright the representative best of the absurd one-liner comics, Bill Hicks is, for me, representative of the heights to which political comics (like David Cross and Lewis Black) aspire. Hicks doesn't just make jokes about serious topics, he tears them apart, leaving anyone he's mocking looking genuinely stupid about genuinely important things. He's easily the most vulgar comic on this list, and also easily one of the funniest. People make a lot of noise about how Hicks told the truth--personally, I don't agree with him on every point politically, and I think he's something of an unfounded conspiracy theorist, but good Lord, is he funny. The anger is real and the comedy is intelligently put-together. I personally prefer Arizona Bay to Rant in E-Minor, which to my mind has more anger but less intelligence. But I do love them both.

1. Richard Pryor - Bicentennial Nigger (1976)

Seinfeld once called Richard Pryor "the Picasso of our profession," which I've usually thought is a bit strange. Pryor is a comic whose comedy goes just about everywhere and can get almost anyone to laugh if you find the right bit, somewhat unlike the self-conscious strangeness for which Picasso is known best. On one hand, I think that maybe "the da Vinci of our profession"or "the Michaelangelo of our profession" would have been better. But on the other hand, Pryor was an aggressive experimenter--none of his albums are quite alike, and in each one there are steps towards new types of comedy and new, unattacked frontiers. Maybe Pryor's bits on race and forays into meta-comedy seemed just as wilfully odd as Picasso's cubism at their respective times. In any case, almost any angle that any comic since him has taken, Pryor did it first, and often did it better. It's can be tough to choose the best Pryor album, but the presence of "Our Gang" on Bicentennial Nigger made it relatively easy for me. The two-minute dissection of a poorly-told joke may be the funniest stand-up bit ever recorded. I can't find it on YouTube, so instead I'll put here one of the darkest bits on race-relations, also on the same album.

And, for good measure, maybe the funniest drug story ever recorded, also on the same album.

Yep, Pryor is God.

Top 10 Reasons to Believe in and Watch Current Saturday Night Live

For some dumb reason, it's an accepted bit of conventional wisdom among a lot of people that Saturday Night Live has lost it, and will never be as glorious as it was in the 70s/80s/90s/whenever you remembered loving it.  Well, you know what? Whenever you loved it, people were saying SNL had lost it then, too.  (Unless it was the very first season, in which case, you should shut up anyway.)  Yeah, SNL goes through rougher and stronger patches, but if you follow the series at all, you'll realize that this season it's certainly in one of its stronger jags.  It's funny, smart, and absolutely worth watching each week.  Let me explain:

10. SNL has always had a lot of filler

I'm sorry that the first reason here is more of an excuse than a positive affirmation of the show's qualities, but it needs to be said: even the best years of SNL have had a lot of mediocre/lame/outright stupid sketches.  The recent release of the first few seasons on DVD has particularly shown that even in its lauded first couple years, there was still realiably a good 30 minutes worth of the 90 minute show that nobody could possibly care to ever see again.  Which is probably why SNL is almost always rerun as an hour-long show instead of a 90-min.  And that is probably part of why you remember what was good from then, and not what was filler.  Yep, it has filler today, too, but no more filler than it ever did, and the strong stuff is quite strong.  Okay, that out of the way, the rest of these will be positive.

9. They're doing good parodies of classic cultural pieces

Something that SNL has sometimes avoided is doing cultural parody of classic culture rather than current pop culture.  Yes, you risk alienating a young audience that might not be extremely familiar with Of Mice and Men or Mary Poppins when you do stuff like this:

and this:

but the learning curve to figure it out isn't too hard, and for those who know the material well (read: most mildly-educated people), these are both pretty smart and funny sketches.  I'm glad they're doing this more this season.

8. Some of their newer writers are fantastic and heroes of mine in other endeavors

Now, I know that the fact that the writers are funny outside the show doesn't necessarily mean that in the show they're great, but two young writers who have been added in the last year--Simon Rich and John Mulaney--are both guys that I'm huge fans of outside of SNL, and I'm sure they've made great contributions to the recent improvement of the show's writing.  Simon Rich, former editor-in-chief of the Harvard Lampoon, has written two collections of short humor pieces and publiched several of them The New Yorker, such as this:

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/07/23/070723sh_shouts_rich

which is very funny.  On the other side of the coin, John Mulaney is hands-down one of the funniest stand-up comedians I have ever seen or heard, and I listen to and watch kind of a lot of stand-up (for some reason I can't embed this):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys_Hi8nV7yM

Rich is now in his second year as a writer on SNL, and Mulaney is in his first.

7. They're being adventurous in their choice of hosts

Who is Jon Hamm?  I don't know, I've never seen Mad Men either.  But in any case, Lorne Michaels (or somebody else) managed to use some sixth sense to peg him as a great sketch actor even if he isn't an A-list modern cultural figure (yet), and got him on the show.  And oh, man, he was great:

Other similarly impressive choies, though none that wowed me as much as Hamm: Josh Brolin, Paul Rudd, and last night's John Malkovich.

6. They're doing good topical stuff that isn't just impression-based

Saturday Night Live has always been pretty good at nailing the humanity of of political figures, or topical stuff in general when they have a specific personality to engage with.  But they tend to be a little weaker when it comes to a conceptually smart take on a current event, which is why I've been quite impressed so far this season:

And, on the more political/topical side, one that contains some impressions but is more about the smart, aggressive angle:

5. Along those lines, the political stuff that is impression-based has, obviously, been great

This is the stuff that you've admitted to your friends is good even if you haven't seen a whole episode yet.  Fred Armisen's Barack Obama is better than most people have given him credit for--I'm sure people will start realizing that it's a very good impression once the writing finds a more aggressive angle on him.  And Hammond's McCain has been solid, too.  But of course, the scene-stealer has been Fey's Palin.  This one was, I think, the best of hers:

4. They're not afraid to go "out there"

There's been a good amount of pretty adventurous, weird stuff on SNL this year.  It doesn't always work, but when it does...

And...

3. Their pop cultural parody is spot-on

As much as I can talk about the satirical topicality or classic cultural parody that SNL is doing right now, their bread and butter are two things: first, pop cultural parody.  Which isn't necssarily my favorite kind of sketch, but God, when it's done right...

2. Their character-based sketches are solidly above-average

This is the other part of the bread-and-butter SNL, the sketches built around a specific actor's character.  Which is why this season of Saturday Night Live is being ruled by Kristen Wiig:

1. The cast is almost across-the-board fantastic

I think that Wiig is pr0bably my favorite cast member right now, though Will Forte, Bill Hader, and Jason Sudeikis all impress me and vie for that spot on a very regular basis.  (Amy Poehler is great too, but she'll be gone soon.)  Bobby Moynihan has been good in what he's done so far, Fred Armisen has done some really fantastic stuff, Darrel Hammond has never been bad in all his million years on the show, and Kenan Thompson sometimes underwhelms me but was so good in that View sketch that I think show is starting to know how to use him right.  I haven't been impressed by any of the new girls yet, but I'm giving them time, because current Saturday Night Live is WORTH IT.

Top 4 Reasons to See The Calgary Whalers Present: the Deck on Monday, November 24 (today!)

Alright, if you read this blog regularly, then you are probably sick as hell of me plugging my own stand-up gigs at Justin Grace and Mike Pullan's shows.  So I'll make this one (8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd Street) brief:

4. Sam Grittner, Shaina Rubin, Mike Grinspan, SMIRK, Taco Knight, and Alex Weinberg will be performing

Alright, some of these dudes I know (Shaina, Alex, Mike), and some I don't (um, the rest of them), but the ones I know are funny peeps, and I trust that the ones I don't know will be hilarious.  Sorry if I am giving these people short shrift, but I am lazy and want this to be a short list.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan (the titular Calgary Whalers) will be hosting

First, I gotta give mad props to a couple guys that have invited me to perform at their show for the first time without having seen my stand-up, and then inviting me back twice.  Thanks a lot, bros.  Second, these dudes are funny, have a great double-act dynamic onstage, and are MTV stars to boot.  They will tie everything together in addition to making you laugh, so come see their show.

2. Fruit Paunch will be performing

The members of Columbia's improv troupe--Fruit Paunch--are across the board pretty close friends of mine, and one of them may even be my girlfriend (that's probably just a rumor though).  So an accusation of bias would  be warranted, but I truly believe that they are one of the most consistent, funny, and intelligent improv groups I have ever seen, and definitely the best of all of those for any college improv group.  So if you like good improv, come for Paunch.  Bonus: Peter, though now graduated, is a former Fruit Paunch member.

1. I, Rob Trump, will be performing stand-up comedy

YES THIS IS HOW THESE END OKAY WITH LOTS OF SELF-IMPORTANCE.  First off, thanks for coming to see me one or two times if you've done it already.  My performance today will be about 5-6 out of 10 minutes of new material even if you've seen me both times, and though I'll overlap some stuff you may have seen, I'm not going to double overlap at all (that is, anything I've done twice at a Whalers show now is OFF-LIMITS).  That means that if you've only seen me at one of the last two shows, it will be about 8 minutes of new no matter which time you saw me.  If you haven't seen me at all yet, you're a bad friend.  Or not my friend.  You can fix either of those by coming.

Also, this will likely be the last time for a little bit that I perform at a Whalers show, because I'm too busy and write too slowly to produce 5-6 minutes of new material every two weeks, and I'd feel like a dick inviting people to see stuff they've mostly already seen.  If you miss me now, you won't be able to see me for...a WHILE.  And you WANT to.  Because I am FUNNY.

Top 6 Reasons To Go See The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck on Monday, November 10th (today!)

Okay, if you feel like you're having deja vu, well, yeah, I posted a similar self-promoting list two weeks ago, when I was performing at the same event.  And yeah, I'm turning this into an endless string of plugs for myself.  I am doing this because I am great and deserve all the plugs.  Here is why you should come see me (Rob Trump) and several other people/groups perform sketch/stand-up/improv--8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club (318 W 53rd Street), $5 cover and one-drink minimum:

6. The stand-up comic Aaron Haber and the improv group Secret Promise Circle will be performing

Alright, so I've got no clue who either of these people or groups are, but read that similar older list (God I am lazy) to see why unknown entities are great.  Last time, the performers I didn't know were excellent, and I have every reason to believe they will be so this time as well.

5. Michael Grinspan will be performing stand-up

Now, before Michael gets offended, since I put him as my #2 reason to see the show last time, let it be known that it does not reflect negatively on him--he was excellent, and I was very impressed by his stand-up set.  The reason he has moved down is that there are just exponentially more awesome things at this show than there were at the last show.  Anyway, Michael was very funny last time, and I am hoping for a return of the fantastic bit about "Never Have I Ever."

4. The sketch group Brando will be performing

So here's something cool--I've actually seen Brando perform before.  They were the first part of a two-part show with Kate McKinnon's hilarious one-woman show being the second part, and the one I went to see.  So, naturally, I was skeptical of anything else I had to sit through.  But Brando was great.  Really, consistently funny, smart, well-written, and not stupid "theater kid" sketch comedy.  I'm excited to see them again.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan ("The Calgary Whalers") will be hosting, and there will be MTV cameras there to record their every move

That's right, this evening will be taped by MTV, as a follow-up to an episode of Made that featured Grace and Pullan.  I'm hoping they don't actually use any footage of me, since I don't really want to be on the record saying some of the stuff I'm going to say.  But whatever, balls-out.  Anyway, you could be the background crowd in a follow-up episode of Made, hosted by two funny dudes!  Sounds awesome to me!

2. DC Pierson of Derrick Comedy will be performing stand-up

If you have the internet, you are probably aware of Derrick Comedy from highly-circulated videos like this one and this one.  But the best Derrick sketch is not either of those.  It is this one:

DC Pierson is the long-haired, nerdy-lookin' guy who usually plays the straight man in their videos, as he does in that one.  He's very funny, and the group in general has basically rejuvenated my faith that the internet can make stars out of people doing real comedy, not just people doing doing goofy non-sequitur "internet comedy."  Derrick is an inspiration to us all, and I'm really excited to see what Pierson's stand-up is like.

1. I will be performing stand-up

Who are you kidding?  Of course this was going to be #1.  If you saw my ten-minute set last time, and agreed with me that I was hilarious, then you will also find this funny, but not too repetitive.  I'll be doing about 60% material you've never seen if you've only seen me at that last show, so it's worth seeing me even if you did.  Included in that 6 minutes of previously unseen will be (mini-list):

1. the most offensive thing I've ever written, which I've held off over a year after writing before trying to perform it (read: possible train wreck, gotta be there)

2. a story about me doing illegal things (what illegal things?  BE THERE)

Top 3 Jokes for Which I am Now Having a Funeral

First of all, thanks to anybody who came out to see The Calgary Whalers Present: the Deck last night, especially if you came out to see me because now we are best friends.  It was a good time all-around, and I was very happy with my own set overall.

If you came, you may have noticed that my last joke sucked.  It was a rare and unwarranted instance of me believing so hard in a joke that I actually tried it a second time after bombing with it once.  It will now be buried, along with another couple jokes that have recently bombed and I will now bury, just because that makes more than one thing on this list.  Also, if you have never seen me do stand-up, just trust me that I am hilarious and I am burying these jokes because they are my bad ones.  I would write my good jokes here but no they are mine you jerk and come see me perform some time to hear them.  Also, if you think you can turn these jokes into something funny, I give you artistic license to do so, because they're my ideas but I totally failed at it.

3. "I loved The Dark Knight, but when I saw it, people were clapping all the time.  I don't get why people clap at movies.  At a play, it makes sense, because the actors are all right there.  But in The Dark Knight, you're clapping for one of two people.  When stuff explodes or looks awesome, you're clapping for the director, Christopher Nolan.  He's not there.  He can't hear you.  And the other person in that movie you clap for...well, maybe he can hear you."

This is the one I sucked with last night.  I've tried it twice, and it's just never read right.  Last night, I got a bigger laugh out of asking, "Is The Dark Knight still relevant?" before I told the joke than I got with the actual thing.  I was so happy when I thought that I had written a good/smart Heath Ledger joke that I was blinded to the fact that it wasn't as funny or clear as I thought it was.  Also it'll stop being topical sometime soon if it hasn't already.  BURIED!

2. "I want to start a band called Former Member and break it up right away, just so I can be a former Former Member member.  Then I'm going to start a band that reenacts famous album jackets.  We'll be called the Cover Coverers.  Our shows will be no cover."

I think I'm just really poor at delivering this kind of Wright/Hedberg-ian wordplay one-liner humor.  Either that or it's just a crappy version of that.  I wrote part of this when I was listening to a lot of Wright and the other part when I was listening to a lot of Hedberg, and I think the lesson here is don't try to write jokes for other comics or maybe actually probably it's just "write better jokes you dumbass."  Unrelated: I only bombed with this joke once before deciding never to tell it again.  That was a few weeks ago.  BURIED!

1. "I think the worst job in the world is the guy who works at the Maytag call center.  It's actually his job to call people up on the phone and ask them if their refrigerator is running.  Nobody takes that guy seriously.  You know that with luck like that, his actual name is probably Mike Rotch, too."

I have a harder time figuring out why this one sucks than the others.  But it's another one I've bombed with twice, so it's being laid to rest.  Maybe people aren't familiar enough with the prank calls I'm referencing, or maybe they are, and it's just stupid and unfunny.  In any case, BURIED!

Top 6 Reasons to Go See The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck

So, on Monday, 8 PM, at the Broadway Comedy Club (318 W. 53rd St.), there will be a show in which I (Rob Trump) will be performing some stand-up comedy.  It is called The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck, and it promises to be glorious.  Here are some reasons you should go:

6. Luke Thayer will be performing stand-up

Okay, I'll be completely honest, I have not actually met Luke Thayer, nor do I know anything about him.  But that is a WILD CARD and if you have ever played Uno then you know what wild cards do (hint: win).  Also, I Googled him and found this little profile of him and he looks fun and now I feel creepy.

5. Spare Change will be performing

What will they be performing????  I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!  I don't know if Spare Change is an improv group or a sketch group or a rock group or a painting group or a groupie group or a grouper.  It is also hard for me to Google them as "spare change" is actually a really common phrase (who knew?).  But in this case, consider them an even WILDER card, like Wild Draw Four or something, and you wish you were holding a lot of those cards like you wish you had a lot of Spare Change (onstage and in your pocket).

4. I heard two weeks ago was a damn good time

I'll come clean that I wasn't there two weeks ago (I might've been in the audience, but instead I was doing five minutes at an open mic that was totally LAMER than this could ever possibly be!), but all reports back from the event were a positive and rockin' good time.  I have no reason to believe that this week will be any less rockin' and may even be more rockin'????  IT IS UP TO YOU, THE VIEWER!!!  but not really but the people who it is actually up to will be on their top form.

3. Justin Grace and James Michael Pullan ("The Calgary Whalers") will be hosting

Okay, here are some people that I know or half of a group of people that I know or something.  They will probably be doing some combination of talking-at-ya and sketches, and I know from PERSONAL, PRIVATE experience, that Justin Grace is a funny fellow.  I do not actually know his good friend James Michael Pullan (and I cannot imagine that he goes by all three of those cumbersome names), but I can only assume that Justin would not consort with a man who was not also kneeslapper-inducing.  Plus I heard their stuff was good last time.

2. Michael Grinspan will be performing stand-up

You know Michael Grinspan from Chowdah, The Fed, the creation of "Fascbook: the Facebook Group for Fascist[s],"  and general campus visibility.  I know Michael Grinspan from a hole in the wall, but just barely, as he was behind the hole in the wall last time I stuck my penis in it as part of a formulaic joke (I don't know what that meant).  Michael Grinspan has on occasion made the rafters ring with laughter so that their ringing shattered glass and it was the glass that the rafters were made of in a house of glass where I was throwing stones and what the hell stop writing Rob.  Plus, I heard his stuff was good last time.

1. I will be performing stand-up

Are you kidding?  This is totally the reason you want to go most.  I am hilarious.  I will be hilarious for ten minutes.  STRAIGHT.

Top 6 People Whose Work I Greatly Respect but Do Not Love

I can be a pretty big dick about stuff I don't like, I'll be honest.  And I can be pretty quick to call hackery on something that is critically adored but I think is crap--Quentin Tarantino, for existence, or Sam Kinison, or the TV show Weeds would never be on here; I think critics are all just plain wrong about their quality.  It takes a rather interesting type for me to feel this way about, but on occasion, I do:

6. Charles Dickens

Formally, he's a great writer.  He's strong with word choice, and he has about as good of a conception of character as any writer I know.  He just doesn't tell stories that I'm interested in.  At all.  "A Christmas Carol" is probably the best example of what I simultaneously admire and don't like about his work: it's a smart, moral tale, but one that doesn't in any way hit me as interesting, neither in character, nor message, nor (and especially on this one) structure.  I find it boring.  Well-told, but mundane.

5. Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce is someone whom I'd firmly place in the category of "satirist," and perhaps the last person to really be truly satirical about how we use language.  I distantly respect his work as "smart," but I don't think I've ever laughed at his stuff, even though I've laughed pretty hard at contemporaries of his like Bob Newhart.  It's not that his comedy feels "old" to me, it's just that it doesn't really hit me.  Perhaps the taboos he's breaking, which would have been funny then, just aren't funny becuase they no longer exist (because he broke them?).  In any case, whenever I listen to Bruce, I don't feel like it's because he's that funny, but just because he's "important."  Which, no doubt, he is.

4. Steve Martin

Steve Martin is probably named as an influence by more comedians that I like than any other comedian.  I just don't think he's that funny.  I get that he's doing really "out-there," self-consciously performative, often non-sequitur stuff before anyone else does, but it just doesn't really make me laugh.  I also think that he's a mediocre writer, and that Shopgirl was truly atrocious.  But mostly: his stand-up.  Interesting, and I get that comedians I like liked it, but it just doesn't do anything for me.

3. Led Zeppelin

Led Zeppelin is a group that clearly made a certain type of arena rock music with more skill and proficiency than anyone else has ever done.  I don't think they're untalented, neither do I think that they're hacks without any sense of melody or structure.  They're just...not a band that I'm interested in at all.  I can listen to the riff of "Ocean" and respect it as bitchin', or to the chorus of "Whole Lotta Love" and think that it is both catchy and truly rawk.  It's just music that is too guitar-y, too tied to a certain ethos that I don't identify with, and too...not making me ever want to come back to it...for me to really love.

2. Andy Kaufman

Andy Kaufman was probably the last person in current history--and may go down as the last person ever--to have a genuinely new concept of comedy from what came before.  He had a really firm conviction that comedy was never "in your head," and he only wanted to get the gut, uncontrollable laughs that came from genuine surprise.  Which is a pretty cool concept: anyone who really sticks to their guns on what they seriously believe is funny and doesn't cave into "cheap laughs," whatever they think those are, is pretty respectable to me.  Problem: I don't find Kaufman that funny.  His stand-up mostly strikes me as reaching, and while I think he's funnier on Taxi, he supposedly thought that was the biggest sell-out move of his career.  Still, it's almost impossible for me not to have respect for someone who has this strong a commitment to their comedic art (to the point of living his life as a massive joke), even if that isn't one that really resonates with me.

1. James Joyce

I'm currently reading Ulysses for a class (just to brag a little), and it's not like I actively dislike it.  I think some of the stuff he's doing is pretty cool, and I have great respect for the massive amount of work that goes into something like this.  He obviously has a clear picture of almost everything minute about the lives of his characters, and he's doing extremely innovative stuff to examine them.  I just...am not really interested in intensely oblique storytelling.  Or rather: I'm not very interested in stories that don't exist at all on the surface level.  What I'm trying to say is that chapters of Ulysses are pretty cool--once you've read them three times and then had them explained to you.  Contrast this with Gravity's Rainbow, which is immensely entertaining even if you just understand the surface level, then gets better the more you look at and consider it.  Ulysses doesn't have a surface level.  It's not that it's not brilliant--from a formal perspective, it clearly is--but I wish it was a lot more basically accessible and enjoyable.

Oh, and also: supposedly Joyce used to always ask people if they thought his books were funny.  Ulysses isn't funny.  Sorry, but burying a dumb scatalogical joke in several layers of complexity doesn't make it any better than a dumb scatological joke.  Again, my comparison: Pynchon is hilarious.  Joyce is extremely well put-together, but really not funny.  Oh, another thing: man, I really did fucking love that bird girl passage from Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.  I just can't bring myself to love Joyce as a whole.