Monday, March 2, 2009

6 Screenwriting Tips from Judd Apatow

Hey guys, it's Judd Apatow here to write a guest list!  That's right, I'm the critically-acclaimed, box-office-dominating writer/director of The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up, as well as the executive producer of Superbad and Pineapple Express.  I'm here to make your screenplay stop suckin' a big chode and start boning some chicks way out of your attractiveness range.  Ready--go!

6. Meaningful relationships are between dudes!!!

Here is the first thing to check to see if you wrote a good movie--is the main story arc about friendship between two or more dudes?  If so--nice!  If not--don't worry!  Before I talked to the writers, Superbad was just some dumb teen sex comedy and Pineapple Express some dumb stoner/action comedy.  But with my help, Superbad became a teen sex comedy about the friendship between two dudes!!!  And Pineapple Express became a stoner/action comedy about the friendship between two dudes!!!  Seriously, I didn't even have to give Rogan and Goldberg different dialogue for those two movies.  Just, like, add in one scene where the guys are bein' cool friends, then one scene where they get angry at each other and separate for a bit, then a scene near the end where their friendship is all awesome again!  You don't even need to change the rest of the script!  Tight!

5. ...but be sure to laugh at them if it gets too gay

Friendship is cool, but sometimes when you're bein' all friendly it seems kinda gay.  That's okay--don't remove those parts of the script, just play up the funny, because haha, gays!  Like in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, when they call each other gay, it's funny because who would want to be gay?  NO ONE.  Also, you can thank me for that Pineapple Express scene where they were trying to untie each other's hands and it looked really, really gay.  Haha, oh God, I'm just remembering how gay they looked.

4. Dick jokes!!!!

Shit yeah, bread and butter.  Make sure that there are a lot of dudes who like droppin' joke-bombs about gross stuff like dicks and buttholes.  Here is some dialogue that I have layin' around that you can use if you want:

Dude 1: "My dick is as big as the Eiffel Tower." (This is funny because the Eiffel Tower is BIG!)
Dude 2: "Yeah right, your dick is as big as a snail but smells funnier."  (This is funny because a snail is SMALL and smells BAD!!!  Another thing that is funny is the second level because they eat snails in France (where the Eiffel Tower is also!)!)!

Also note that this dialogue is between two dudes, which can be your main two dudes like in tip #6 if you want!  Nice!!!  I've like, half-written your screenplay already!

3. ...but then make it awkward and it goes from, like, low comedy to high comedy

Okay, so the dick jokes will win over all the chill bros, but we have to make sure that everyone will laugh at this!  The way you do that is have some chick hear their conversation and be all like, "Ugh gross stop talking about your dicks," or just make an uncomfortable face at them or some other dumb shit.  Then it's like, any girl or snob or whatever who is watching the movie will be all, "Oh man it was really about the awkwardness of social interactions and I really like The Office and the British one is better and shit!" or whatever annoying things they say.  Anyway, this way the prudes and movie reviewers will think you're funny, too.

2. On that note, comedy is fun!!!

Seriously, let's keep it real, we're making a movie that's gonna make people laugh.  Then they will tell their friends how much they laughed and stuff and that way you can't criticize them because anyone else can be like, "But did you laugh!" and they'll be all "Shit yeah son!  I love Judd Apatow!" and then everyone in the city will come carry me on my back like some sort of populist film hero or some crap and award me with 10,000,000 awards that they made out of paper and love for me and I'd rather have that than a fucking Oscar anyway because Oscars are shit.

1. ...but drama is fuckin' deep

Really, though, if it makes them laugh but also tugs them where it hurts (the heart and the dick), then you know you have made a great movie.  Like, check the trailer for my new movie, Funny People.

Holy balls, did you see what happened at 0:54?!?!?!  It was all fun and shit but all the sudden ADAM SANDLER IS DYING??!?!?!  MOTHERSHIT!!!  Then the music gets serious and stuff so you know this is the serious part because you're all "Adam Sandler don't die!!!"!

Note that he is NOT going to die but it lets us get at the serious shit about his friendship with Seth Rogen.  Which is a friendship...BETWEEN TWO DUDES TELLING DICK JOKES THAT SOME GIRLS ARE KINDA AWKWARD ABOUT!!! I AM A BRILLIANT GOD OF CINEMA!!!

(Also please make sure to laugh at how they are kinda gay at 2:14)


El Gigante said...

OOooo someone's spec script got turned rejected.

Just playin', the youtube of your standup was excellent.

Rob said...

I actually really like most of his movies, and I LOVED Knocked Up. I just haven't seen any good attempts at making fun of him/criticizing him outside of Katherine Heigl's lame little "I think that movie was kinda sexist" remark.