Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Top 15 Tips For Beating the Recession

Hi, Parmlotters. Hi, other people who are just reading this for the first time. Hi, the 2,000 people who wandered over here on a hot tip from www.expectingrain.com, the foremost Bob Dylan site on the net. We're glad to have ALL of you here.

Today's list is a guest-list of sorts... friend of the blog Ron Shortsweather decided to drop by and give you all some financial tips. This guy knows what he's talking about; he's the CEO of more than 15 different (and potentially fictional) companies. You may have read about him here or here.

Ol' Ron is a typo-machine, so be aware that this was editted after submission... that being said, it's still basically nonsense.

16. Invent something that everyone suddenly needs
Question: Did the Pilgrims know they needed computers? Answer: Hell no! And if they had, they probably wouldn't have gone extinct. You can be the guy who stands up in the crowded marketplace and says, "Hey there, fellow consumers! I've got just the ticket! It's your once-in-a-lifetime chance to win big on your investment!" Why, just this morning, I was waking up and I thought to myself, "How come the covers don't reach over my feet?" Maybe you can use that for inspiration... just give me a cut o' the profits, won't ya!?

15. Finally write that novel
You've been meaning to finish it for years now, Grandma. Now that Uncle Sam's red-white-and-blue boots have kicked you out on your rump, why don't you buckle down and put pen to paper? Now the whole world can see what a shitty writer you are.

14. Copyright the phrase "In this economy?"
Never mind, I just did it!

13. A street fair!
I love these! You can just walk up and down on a place where there used to be cars, and NO CARS WILL HIT YOU. In fact, people will reward you with food for it! If you really want to win the money-makin' game, you could be the guy who makes that food. Fry it, slap it up, slap it down, sprinkle on a cheese, and you're in business!

12. Blogging
Listen, ma'am. It's the 90s. People will pay e-dollars to e-hear your e-opinions. There's a serious niche market for you telling other people what you think!!! The secret of my success is that I have never, ever, ever shut up about my feelings. All of a sudden, one day, everyone just started caring. And they cared with their wallets. Maybe the same will happen to you, Senator Feinstein!

11. Charge your spouse to sleep with you
Here's! The! Thing! What's fun about this idea is that it combines the two most American pursuits: money and sex. You can work out a contract, too... with incentive-based pay and bonuses tied to performance! Just like in the football leagues! Plus, it will be like you are a prostitute, and that will probably liven up your sexual life, which, let's face it, has been hurting since your Depression-related depression.

10. Prayer
That's a thing, right?

9. Become a mercenary or bounty hunter
There are plenty of fugitives from justice and truth who are out there just begging to be captured for cold, hard cash. Well, not literally begging--they probably will hate you and resist arrest with guns/knives. But you can still do it! Dress yourself in black, strap on those brass knuckles, and get ready to put your foot in the mouth of a white-collar criminal! Act fast or face the facts: no member down, apartment for share or rent, 5.55% under PAR, and you gotta believe me!

8. Grow a beard for charity
I did this once, and even though nobody paid me jacques-squates, I can totally imagine someone making some serious bank for it! Heckfire, maybe you should just pose as a fake charity--get your head out of your ass, you'd be great at that!!! The Foundation for Exciting (Christian?) Opportunity! Go for it, don't let go, and call me in the morning!

7. A Faustian bargain
Sell your timeshare/soul to me for sack full of dollars! I'll maybe even throw in Ultimate Knowledge, to boot! (Two boots!? You drive a hard bargain, Horatio Sanz...) Just watch out when I come a-callin'. And don't think you can weasel your way out by offering me your daughter's hand. Ew, gross! I'd need at least a shoulder!

6. A return to yesteryear
Remember the days of bootlegging and gunrunning? When men were men and knives were sharp? When the only thing sharper than those knives was the suits they cut holes in? When women were dames and secret words got you into back rooms? When the cops were coppers and the San Diego Chargers were only a possibility? You CAN go back to Narnia. All you have to do to recapture the glory of the last Depression is get a knife, a suit, and an accent! You'll be shot and killed and made into a movie in no time!

5. A street fare!
I love these! This is when you make people pay you for walking, running, or driving in your general direction. The government does it, so why can't you? If you said, "Because I am not the Government!" then that's the FIRST of your problems. The way I made my millions was by convincing myself and my parents that I am, in fact, a government!

4. Get inside this box
Ssh, ssh! Suck it in and tuck it under, don't wake the neighbors! You're now part of the Ron Shortsweather Employee-in-a-Box Overseas Foreign Labor Exchange Program! Don't cry or sass back... those Turks aren't kidding around!

3. Make your dollars work for you
I shouldn't be telling you this, but you're a preferred customer! I have a farm in western Utah where over seventy-thousand dollar bills are currently working in semi-bondage. We grow soybeans, wheatbeans, and plain old American beans! Don't tell me it's slavery, because I ain't listening! When Ron Shortsweather gets an idea, he gives the finger to the law and steals from the poor. And that's a little game I like to call bringing the stock market TO the farmer's market.

2. Have you ever seen Cats?
I SMELL A SEQUEL!!! THE MUSICAL IS BACK!!!

1. Exciting Opportunities!
Listen. You can go to any Big Business Man in town and he'll try to sell you a boat and a goat. I am simply standing in front of you, yelling at you with truth. I want to double your money, triple your self-confidence, and eat whatever's in your fridge. Buy my software and you'll understand. Buy my phonebook and you'll have over a million numbers at your fingertips. Buy my insider tips and you'll be asking yourself, "What is this... heaven?" You can call me overrated, you can call me underweight, JUST DON'T CALL MY WIFE (?) PHYLLIS AND TELL HER WHERE I AM... BECAUSE AIN'T NO LEASH THAT CAN HOLD THIS DOG!

4 comments:

Ron said...

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME TYPES OF FUCKERS?! You butchered my brilliance words. I'm going to find your editer and make him suck on a hat. When I get done with your little dog and pokey show you call a blyog, IT'LL BE THE ENDTIMES!!!

Caitlin said...

Ron Shortweather, you never cease to amaze me. Count me IN.

With Dollars,
Dollars Dollars

El Gigante said...

I'm really going to try to work "I am simply standing in front of you, yelling at you with truth." in a conversation tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

You ain't worth a hamster's turd!
- phyllis