Top 3 Comedies I Really Wanted to See But Then They Got Kinda Bad Reviews

F the man, I still want to!

3. Whatever Works

A theme of this list: how could this NOT work? One of the funniest, most transformative figures in comedy stars in a film by his even funnier, even more transformative predecessor. Okay, I admit that the trailer doesn't look amazing, but seriously, this is the convergence of two of my personal comedy heroes. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

2. Away We Go

How the hell could this have gotten bad reviews, whether or not it was any good? It's got all the hallmarks of that nobody-actually-laughs-at-it-but-it's-considered-a-brilliant-comedy type of indie movie: it's written by respected and literary figures (Dave Eggers and his wife), stars comedy actors taking an unexpected dramatic turn (John Krasinksi and Maya Rudolph), and it's directed by Sam effing Mendes. Apparently critics think it's lame. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

1. Year One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTNBwIAY9Zo (embedding disabled)

On the opposite end, this looks like one of those ACTUALLY funny, laugh-out-loud, broad but smart comedies based on the trailer. And, natch, it's helmed by the king of broad and smart, Harold Ramis. What's more, it's co-written by two of the Office writers responsible for a disproportionate amount of excellent episodes, and it stars Jack Black and Michael Cera--neither of which are absolutely amazing all the time, but when they get good material, they knock it out of the park. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

6 Screenwriting Tips from Judd Apatow

Hey guys, it's Judd Apatow here to write a guest list!  That's right, I'm the critically-acclaimed, box-office-dominating writer/director of The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up, as well as the executive producer of Superbad and Pineapple Express.  I'm here to make your screenplay stop suckin' a big chode and start boning some chicks way out of your attractiveness range.  Ready--go!

6. Meaningful relationships are between dudes!!!

Here is the first thing to check to see if you wrote a good movie--is the main story arc about friendship between two or more dudes?  If so--nice!  If not--don't worry!  Before I talked to the writers, Superbad was just some dumb teen sex comedy and Pineapple Express some dumb stoner/action comedy.  But with my help, Superbad became a teen sex comedy about the friendship between two dudes!!!  And Pineapple Express became a stoner/action comedy about the friendship between two dudes!!!  Seriously, I didn't even have to give Rogan and Goldberg different dialogue for those two movies.  Just, like, add in one scene where the guys are bein' cool friends, then one scene where they get angry at each other and separate for a bit, then a scene near the end where their friendship is all awesome again!  You don't even need to change the rest of the script!  Tight!

5. ...but be sure to laugh at them if it gets too gay

Friendship is cool, but sometimes when you're bein' all friendly it seems kinda gay.  That's okay--don't remove those parts of the script, just play up the funny, because haha, gays!  Like in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, when they call each other gay, it's funny because who would want to be gay?  NO ONE.  Also, you can thank me for that Pineapple Express scene where they were trying to untie each other's hands and it looked really, really gay.  Haha, oh God, I'm just remembering how gay they looked.

4. Dick jokes!!!!

Shit yeah, bread and butter.  Make sure that there are a lot of dudes who like droppin' joke-bombs about gross stuff like dicks and buttholes.  Here is some dialogue that I have layin' around that you can use if you want:

Dude 1: "My dick is as big as the Eiffel Tower." (This is funny because the Eiffel Tower is BIG!)

Dude 2: "Yeah right, your dick is as big as a snail but smells funnier."  (This is funny because a snail is SMALL and smells BAD!!!  Another thing that is funny is the second level because they eat snails in France (where the Eiffel Tower is also!)!)!

Also note that this dialogue is between two dudes, which can be your main two dudes like in tip #6 if you want!  Nice!!!  I've like, half-written your screenplay already!

3. ...but then make it awkward and it goes from, like, low comedy to high comedy

Okay, so the dick jokes will win over all the chill bros, but we have to make sure that everyone will laugh at this!  The way you do that is have some chick hear their conversation and be all like, "Ugh gross stop talking about your dicks," or just make an uncomfortable face at them or some other dumb shit.  Then it's like, any girl or snob or whatever who is watching the movie will be all, "Oh man it was really about the awkwardness of social interactions and I really like The Office and the British one is better and shit!" or whatever annoying things they say.  Anyway, this way the prudes and movie reviewers will think you're funny, too.

2. On that note, comedy is fun!!!

Seriously, let's keep it real, we're making a movie that's gonna make people laugh.  Then they will tell their friends how much they laughed and stuff and that way you can't criticize them because anyone else can be like, "But did you laugh!" and they'll be all "Shit yeah son!  I love Judd Apatow!" and then everyone in the city will come carry me on my back like some sort of populist film hero or some crap and award me with 10,000,000 awards that they made out of paper and love for me and I'd rather have that than a fucking Oscar anyway because Oscars are shit.

1. ...but drama is fuckin' deep

Really, though, if it makes them laugh but also tugs them where it hurts (the heart and the dick), then you know you have made a great movie.  Like, check the trailer for my new movie, Funny People.

Holy balls, did you see what happened at 0:54?!?!?!  It was all fun and shit but all the sudden ADAM SANDLER IS DYING??!?!?!  MOTHERSHIT!!!  Then the music gets serious and stuff so you know this is the serious part because you're all "Adam Sandler don't die!!!"!

Note that he is NOT going to die but it lets us get at the serious shit about his friendship with Seth Rogen.  Which is a friendship...BETWEEN TWO DUDES TELLING DICK JOKES THAT SOME GIRLS ARE KINDA AWKWARD ABOUT!!! I AM A BRILLIANT GOD OF CINEMA!!!

(Also please make sure to laugh at how they are kinda gay at 2:14)

GUEST LIST: 13 More Aphorism/Movie Title Mashups

We have been graced with a GUEST LIST from Laura Kleinbaum, who gives us a sequel to the riffing started by Peter in this list.  Thanks, Laura, and to anyone else who wants to write a guest list, send it to us and we'll totally post it if we love you enough!

13. Don't throw the Baby's Day Out with the bathwater.

12. All roads lead to Roman Holiday

11. Raining cats and Hotel for Dogs

10. Be the change you wish to see in the Waterworld

9. Slow and steady wins the Race to Witch Mountain

8. Mi casa es su Casablanca

7. Beauty is in the I've Loved You So Long 

(of the beholder is where that was going...)

6. Beauty is only skin Deep Impact

5. Time heals All the President's Men

4. Shot in the Armageddon

3. Up shit's creek without A Walk to Remember

2. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Meet the Fockers

1. Always the bridesmaid. Never the Brideshead Revisited

Top 12 Movies That Probably Would Have Been Better if They Had Somehow Incorporated Quantum Physics (and What Their Names Would Have Been)

12. Schrodinger's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

11. The Last Action Constant Hero

10. Along Came Wolfgang Pauli

9. Wallace and Gromit in "Wave-Particle Duality"

8. Air Bud Deals With the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

7. Amadeus Discovers A Fucking Quark

6. Timeline But This Time Actually with Quantum Physics

5. Men in Black Body Radiation

4. The Terminator of Quantum Particles

3. Saving Silverman From Accidentally Giving a Bad Lecture on Quantum Particles

2. Che: Quantum Particles

1. Life As a House Made of Quantum Particles As All Things Are

Top 9 Egregious Errors in Today's Oscar Nominations

Nominations for the 81st Academy Awards, released this morning, have set the blogosphere abuzz.  Or at least I assume they have--I don't read blogs because I'm not a fucking loser.  In my wonderful social life, however, I do talk to people, and some of them have brought up objections to the nominations.

9. Category: Best Picture

Egregious omission: The Dark Knight

Come on, guys.  This is the populist opinion, the critical opinion, the film nerd opinion, and the most engaging, entertaining film this year if not in the last three or four years.

8. Category: Best Screenplay (Adapted)

Egregious omission: The Dark Knight

Not only the most quotable movie this year ("Some people just want to watch the world burn," "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear," "You complete me"), but also the most interesting moral quandaries anyone was put into on screen.

7. Category: Best Score

Egregious Omission: Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard's score for The Dark Knight

More viscerally tied to the onscreen action than any other score this year, this score is also great listening when you're not watching the movie.

6. Category: Best Supporting Actor

Egregious Omission: Gary Oldman in The Dark Knight

Look, I'm not saying Heath shouldn't have gotten nominated--he should've, and he should win--but to my mind, the relatable character who deals with the most interesting moral questions is Oldman's Gordon.  When you watch it the first time, he seems just like mostly the extremely good-guy foil to the darker heroes.  The second time you watch it, you start to appreciate how his transformation deals with darkness in his own way.

5. Category: Best Supporting Actress

Egregious Omission: Katie Holmes in The Dark Knight

What a transformation she went through for this movie!  She looks, acts, and feels like a completely different person in The Dark Knight than she did in Batman Begins, a complex reflection of the stresses she has undergone in her relationship with Batman.  Not a huge role, but such a stretch always deserves praise.

4. Category: Foreign Language Film

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

The part of this movie that took place in Hong Kong and probably involved some Chinese was better than any stupid foreign films this year.

3. Category: Best Song

Egregious Omission: "All the Shit that the Joker Hums to Himself" in The Dark Knight

I have had it stuck in my head for days.

2. Category: Short Film (live action)

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and I assume this movie must have been very short.

1. Category: Documentary Feature

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

The most amazing part was that it was all true.

Top 25 English-to-Japanese-to-English Translations of Famous Movie Lines

Perhaps this list is needlessly high concept. Well... I dunno, it was fun to make, that's for sure. Basically, I took the AFI's list of the top 100 movie quotes (composed in 2005), ran it through GoogleTranslate on English-to-Japanese, then ran the result on Japanese-to-English, and picked my favorites. In parentheses are the actual quotes rankings on the AFI's list. (Oh, credit where credit is due, this was most definitely a methodological inspiration.)

1. "Frankly, my dear, I do not mind, please." - Gone with the Wind (#1)

2. "You do not understand! Could have my class. I may have to contract. But I am who I am, the street, instead." - The Waterfront (#3)

3. "Toto, we are in Kansas, I have no sense anymore." - The Wizard of Oz (#4)

4. "We are watching the children." - Casablanca (#5)

5. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm almost ready." - Sunset Boulevard (#7)

6. "May the force be with you in January." - Star Wars (#8)

7. "It means that you can not say sorry to love." – Love Story (#13)

8. "We made that dream." - The Maltese Falcon (#14)

9. "I'm mad as hell, and I've gotta go now!" - Network (#19)

10. "I'm great! It's the small picture." - Sunset Boulevard (#24)

11. "Theater is Sam. Lapse of time left to play.” – Casablanca (#28)

12. "I like her, please." – When Harry Met Sally (#33)

13. "You are not the whistle on what, Steve? You know and do damage to your lips together." – To Have and Have Not (#34)

14. "I will always have to live like a box of chocolates. You're going to make something that is not known." – Forrest Gump (#40)

15. "You will have to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, what of a flat tire?" – Dirty Harry (#51)

16. "You are the ‘Hello' to the me." – Jerry Maguire (#52)

17. "Hello, hello, I have no friends!" – Scarface (#61)

18. "Mrs. Robinson is trying to seduce me. You know?" – The Graduate (#63)

19. "This is not to fight gentleman! This is no war!" – Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (#64)

20. "I'm going to have a leg badly stained, damned monkey!" – Planet of the Apes (#66)

21. "The tremor, the rush of orders." – Goldfinger (#90)

22. "Cinderella story. Anywhere outside. Greenskeeper former, and now it will be the Masters champion. Looks like ... This is the hole! This is the hole! This is the hole!" – Caddyshack (#92)

23. "Snap!" – Moonstruck (#96)

24. "Everybody put your baby in the corner." – Dirty Dancing (#99)

25. "I'm your little dog too, I'll get you pretty!" – The Wizard of Oz (#100)