Top 24 Hours During Which Fruit Paunch Will Be Doing Improv In the Next Day

Hey! Today is the day when the Columbia improv group Fruit Paunch begins the grueling, college-defining, and wholly unnecessary feat known as the 24 Hour Show. That means that if at any time between 5 o'clock on May 8th and 5 o'clock on May 9th you want to see some good improv comedy (performed by people who may be either drunk, hungover, or suffering from heatstroke), you should go over to the grassy area on the right side of Low Library (on the Columbia campus, duh).

24. 5pm-6pm
This is today, 5/8/09.

23. 6pm-7pm

22. 7pm-8pm

21. 8pm-9pm

20. 9pm-10pm
This will most likely be the qualitatively best hour of comedy during the entire 24 hours, as determined by science.

19. 10pm-11pm
I was lying about science. That claim was entirely arbitrary.

18. 11pm-12am

17. 12am-1am
This is tomorrow, 5/9/09.

16. 1am-2am
At this point, a herd of almuni will descend upon the improv group. The alumni will have just seen Obsessed at the Magic Johnson Theater on 125th and most likely will be wasted. They will also be totally ready to improv.

15. 2am-3am
At this point, only alumni will be improv-ing. Every time a current member of the group walks into a scene, they will be shot with an improv gun.

14. 3am-4am

13. 4am-5am
At this point, at least one alumni will be hooking up with a freshman. I'm looking at you, Caitlin.

12. 5am-6am
If you are actually here at this point--as an audience member--you are a hero. If you are actually here at this point--as a member of the group--you deserve every shake and shiver.

11. 6am-7am

10. 7am-8am
Bagels and coffee would be a nice thing to bring 'round about now.

9. 8am-9am

8. 9am-10am

7. 10am-11am
Despite a sense of rejuvenation, this hour will be inexplicably shitty, unless the group spends it team-shaving its hairiest member.

6. 11am-12pm

5. 12pm-1pm
Rumor has it that legendary director Ang Lee might show up! He can almost speak the language!

4. 1pm-2pm

3. 2pm-3pm
Group president and graduating senior Colin Drummond has sworn to eat at least one of his fellow improv-ers during this hour.

2. 3pm-4pm
IMPROV MUSICAL HOUR! (Kidding... maybe!)

1. 4pm-5pm
Give yourselves a hand, kids. You did improv for 24 hours, and not even for like, charity or anything.

Top 3 Reasons to Come See Calgary Whalers Present the Deck Today (Monday, January 19)

Occasionally I do these when I am going to perform some stand-up!  Hooray, these posts are ubiquitous and annoying!  The time is 8:30 PM and the place is Broadway Comedy Club.

3. Justin and Mike will be hosting like USUAL

They will be great hosts like they always are and great people and stuff and also maybe they will talk about the fact that their MADE follow-up has now aired even though I haven't actually seen it but I heard that it did air.  COOL.

2. Sam Grittner, Andrew Ward, For Richard Stands, Mancrush, and Mickey and Sandy will be there

Grittner has been there before, and he's very funny.  I haven't seen any of the rest of these groups before, but I'm sure they'll be great!

1. I will be doing a fully new 10 minutes

Yes these lists always end with me being self-important and telling you to come see me!  This time it will be 10 completely new minutes that you have never heard before! NICE.  Also though some of it might be kinda crappy since I've never done it before.  But some of it will be hilarious and all the more so for being so brand spanking new.  NICE AGAIN.

Top 12 Lowest Forms of Humor

I've thought about writing this a bunch of times, but usually dismissed it as too pretentious and self-righteous.  Well, I don't have any other ideas today, so here goes.

12. Ethnic humor

One of the more obvious candidates as a low form of humor is the mocking of certain ethnicities, usually limited to condescending, unfunny accents or punchlines about the Polish, but sometimes into the realm of outright xenophobia and racism.  (There's a British comic whose material is actually largely about how much he hates the immigrants who work in various stores he frequents--if I could remember his name, I'd link him so you could be amazed that someone like that hasn't been ripped to shreds yet.)  Anyway, this one comes in at the end, because in circles of largely intelligent people, it's pretty-well stamped out, or at least the worst forms of it are.

NOTE: Humor about race or racism isn't necessarily "ethnic humor," and if it's funny, it probably isn't.  I wouldn't consider, say, anything in the British Office to be ethnic humor--it's not about people fulfilling stereotypes, it's about people having racist attitudes.  Which is smart, not low.

11. "That character is so gay" humor

Kind of goes along with the above, but a lot more people are still willing to laugh at a line like, "Gay Bobby, you sure ate all those hot dogs fast!" even though it's no more intelligent than, "Black Bobby, you sure ate all that watermelon fast!"  For that reason, it's higher on the list than ethnic humor.  But just as low.  Or lower.

10. Jokes comparing vaginas to roast beef

I theorize that anyone who has ever made one of these has either never seen a vagina or never seen roast beef.  The latter seems unlikely, but I've heard women make these jokes, and I assume most of them have seen their own vaginas.  In any case, whatever tiny bit of truth there was to it in the first place, it's been so completely washed under thousands of jokes with this at the core that it's really, really unfunny now.

9. Michael Jackson jokes

You'd think these don't exist anymore, wouldn't you?  It's been so long since Michael Jackson been in any way in the spotlight that "Michael Jackson jokes" would seem to be kind of in the realm of "Monica Lewinsky jokes," where people are more likely to make fun of people making them than actually make them in earnest.  So why was there one in the Christmas episode of 30 Rock, the smartest show on TV?  (Kenneth: "Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since me and my brothers went to Neverland Ranch.")  Oof.  I have no fucking clue.

8. Jokes about how much spouses hate each other

Weirdly enough, I see this stuff show up nowadays in poorly-written college-kid stuff probably more often than I see it show up anywhere else.  Which is doubly weird, because it's the demographic least likely to have any sort of real relationship with it.  If your reference point for the relevence of a joke is The Honeymooners, you're probably a little out of touch.

7. Fake book titles with an author named Ima

Is this one too specific?  If so, please pick up How to Write a Better List Entry Next Time by Ima Pologetic.  Ima Nidiot.  Ima Gonna Killa Myselfa.

6. Unnecessarily dated pop culture references

I'm looking at YOU, Family Guy!  And Diablo Cody!  These jokes are dumber than Raphael in that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when he got hit by the stupid ray!  No?  Don't remember it?  That's because I just made it up!  It would be no less terrible of a joke if I didn't!

5. Straight dudes doing something that looks kinda gay

I'm not talking about stuff like the Seinfeld episode "The Outing," where George and Jerry farcically have an argument that is perceived as a couple's argument, then wrestle with their own insecurities.  I'm talking about stuff like the Seinfeld episode "The Doll," where Estelle Costanza walks in on her husband, Jerry, and the maestro playing pool without pants.  (Okay, so Seinfeld was around long enough to do a lot of bad things as well as basically every good thing.)  But seriously, what are we meant to think?  That they're embarrassed because, obviously, gay people play pool without pants all the time?  What the hell?  I think a lot of this humor is based on a mode of thinking that goes something like, "Well CLEARLY it would be extremely insulting to be thought of as gay, so let's laugh at them."  This crap idea also provided that atrocious "trying to get each other's hands untied" scene in Pineapple Express, an otherwise pretty good movie.

4. Jokes that vastly overestimate the power of drugs

"He smoked so much pot that he thought he was an airplane!  We managed to stop him before he took off on a nonstop flight for Denver!"  Pause for uproarious laughter from concerned parents, or someone else who believes that is in any way plausible.

3. "That's what she said."

You guys remember when The Office started doing this, but it was ironic, mocking Michael for being so stupid as to think that it was brilliant?  And then people who were fans of The Office started saying it a lot, but unironically?  Yeah, I don't get people.

2. "Come" puns

Similarly, I have no idea how anyone still laughs at something like, "Sorry you came late, but hey, at least you came, right?"  Bonus negative points and a warrant out on your head if you pair one of these with the above.

1. Dead baby jokes

This is probably the ultimate in fake-edgy humor.  Dead baby jokes are such an established humor trope that you are challenging absolutely nobody by telling one.  Haha, you can laugh at gross things, congratulations, you are so cool.  I will continue to laugh at funny things.

Top 4 Reasons to See The Calgary Whalers Present: the Deck on Monday, November 24 (today!)

Alright, if you read this blog regularly, then you are probably sick as hell of me plugging my own stand-up gigs at Justin Grace and Mike Pullan's shows.  So I'll make this one (8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd Street) brief:

4. Sam Grittner, Shaina Rubin, Mike Grinspan, SMIRK, Taco Knight, and Alex Weinberg will be performing

Alright, some of these dudes I know (Shaina, Alex, Mike), and some I don't (um, the rest of them), but the ones I know are funny peeps, and I trust that the ones I don't know will be hilarious.  Sorry if I am giving these people short shrift, but I am lazy and want this to be a short list.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan (the titular Calgary Whalers) will be hosting

First, I gotta give mad props to a couple guys that have invited me to perform at their show for the first time without having seen my stand-up, and then inviting me back twice.  Thanks a lot, bros.  Second, these dudes are funny, have a great double-act dynamic onstage, and are MTV stars to boot.  They will tie everything together in addition to making you laugh, so come see their show.

2. Fruit Paunch will be performing

The members of Columbia's improv troupe--Fruit Paunch--are across the board pretty close friends of mine, and one of them may even be my girlfriend (that's probably just a rumor though).  So an accusation of bias would  be warranted, but I truly believe that they are one of the most consistent, funny, and intelligent improv groups I have ever seen, and definitely the best of all of those for any college improv group.  So if you like good improv, come for Paunch.  Bonus: Peter, though now graduated, is a former Fruit Paunch member.

1. I, Rob Trump, will be performing stand-up comedy

YES THIS IS HOW THESE END OKAY WITH LOTS OF SELF-IMPORTANCE.  First off, thanks for coming to see me one or two times if you've done it already.  My performance today will be about 5-6 out of 10 minutes of new material even if you've seen me both times, and though I'll overlap some stuff you may have seen, I'm not going to double overlap at all (that is, anything I've done twice at a Whalers show now is OFF-LIMITS).  That means that if you've only seen me at one of the last two shows, it will be about 8 minutes of new no matter which time you saw me.  If you haven't seen me at all yet, you're a bad friend.  Or not my friend.  You can fix either of those by coming.

Also, this will likely be the last time for a little bit that I perform at a Whalers show, because I'm too busy and write too slowly to produce 5-6 minutes of new material every two weeks, and I'd feel like a dick inviting people to see stuff they've mostly already seen.  If you miss me now, you won't be able to see me for...a WHILE.  And you WANT to.  Because I am FUNNY.

Top 6 Reasons To Go See The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck on Monday, November 10th (today!)

Okay, if you feel like you're having deja vu, well, yeah, I posted a similar self-promoting list two weeks ago, when I was performing at the same event.  And yeah, I'm turning this into an endless string of plugs for myself.  I am doing this because I am great and deserve all the plugs.  Here is why you should come see me (Rob Trump) and several other people/groups perform sketch/stand-up/improv--8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club (318 W 53rd Street), $5 cover and one-drink minimum:

6. The stand-up comic Aaron Haber and the improv group Secret Promise Circle will be performing

Alright, so I've got no clue who either of these people or groups are, but read that similar older list (God I am lazy) to see why unknown entities are great.  Last time, the performers I didn't know were excellent, and I have every reason to believe they will be so this time as well.

5. Michael Grinspan will be performing stand-up

Now, before Michael gets offended, since I put him as my #2 reason to see the show last time, let it be known that it does not reflect negatively on him--he was excellent, and I was very impressed by his stand-up set.  The reason he has moved down is that there are just exponentially more awesome things at this show than there were at the last show.  Anyway, Michael was very funny last time, and I am hoping for a return of the fantastic bit about "Never Have I Ever."

4. The sketch group Brando will be performing

So here's something cool--I've actually seen Brando perform before.  They were the first part of a two-part show with Kate McKinnon's hilarious one-woman show being the second part, and the one I went to see.  So, naturally, I was skeptical of anything else I had to sit through.  But Brando was great.  Really, consistently funny, smart, well-written, and not stupid "theater kid" sketch comedy.  I'm excited to see them again.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan ("The Calgary Whalers") will be hosting, and there will be MTV cameras there to record their every move

That's right, this evening will be taped by MTV, as a follow-up to an episode of Made that featured Grace and Pullan.  I'm hoping they don't actually use any footage of me, since I don't really want to be on the record saying some of the stuff I'm going to say.  But whatever, balls-out.  Anyway, you could be the background crowd in a follow-up episode of Made, hosted by two funny dudes!  Sounds awesome to me!

2. DC Pierson of Derrick Comedy will be performing stand-up

If you have the internet, you are probably aware of Derrick Comedy from highly-circulated videos like this one and this one.  But the best Derrick sketch is not either of those.  It is this one:

DC Pierson is the long-haired, nerdy-lookin' guy who usually plays the straight man in their videos, as he does in that one.  He's very funny, and the group in general has basically rejuvenated my faith that the internet can make stars out of people doing real comedy, not just people doing doing goofy non-sequitur "internet comedy."  Derrick is an inspiration to us all, and I'm really excited to see what Pierson's stand-up is like.

1. I will be performing stand-up

Who are you kidding?  Of course this was going to be #1.  If you saw my ten-minute set last time, and agreed with me that I was hilarious, then you will also find this funny, but not too repetitive.  I'll be doing about 60% material you've never seen if you've only seen me at that last show, so it's worth seeing me even if you did.  Included in that 6 minutes of previously unseen will be (mini-list):

1. the most offensive thing I've ever written, which I've held off over a year after writing before trying to perform it (read: possible train wreck, gotta be there)

2. a story about me doing illegal things (what illegal things?  BE THERE)