The Top 15 Words I Made Up Today That Aren't Going To Be In The Dictionary Either

Hey friends! The other day, Qwantz.com linked to this selection of words being dropped (gasp!) from the Collins English Dictionary. That gave me the idea to make up a bunch of words that also won't be included. Perhaps they will be in Collins in fifty years or so. (Of course, that's impossible... in fifty years, all of the words in the dictionary will be in binary, because the robots will have taken over. Or the entire dictionary will be the word "BRAINS!", on account of the zombies! OR! THERE WILL BE A DICTIONARY DEDICATED ENTIRELY TO THE VOCABULARY OF THE ZOMBIE VS. ROBOT WAR!!!!!! You guys, the future is going to be the coolest movie ever!)

15. bruxtruous

(adj.) Walking around and acting like your totally the man when, in actuality, you're totally a jag-off and everyone knows it. Ex. "Man, Colin was acting so bruxtruous the other night after he scored the winning touchdown, but everyone knew that Rob had tackled him before he crossed the endzone.”

14. flastigate

(v.) To castigate someone for embarking on a policy of "From now on, I'm gonna be the guy that always brings a flask everywhere." Ex. "Frank really flastigated Pat last night, but to be fair, he had it coming. No one needs to be drinking in a pet store."

13. wontoonly

(adv.) To act in a manner befitting that of a wontoon. Note: the meaning of "wontoon" has been lost to the ages.

12. sidgile

(n.) A hastily-drawn, crudely composed depiction of the male genitalia, like those you might leave on your friends' notebooks while they are looking the other way. Ex. "Caitlin's a sweet girl, but if you take your eye off of her for just a second, you're likely to find your living room covered in sidgiles."

11. enosify

(v.) To turn someone into a person named Enos. Note: this is to be differentiated from “unforced enosification”, in which a person legally changes their name to Enos.

10. ablime

(adj.) Distinguished from the sublime or the less common superblime, possessing no blimes at all. Ex. “Sarah has zero blimes. That girl is totally ablime.”

9. enkiduminosity

(n.) The degree to which one is similar or dissimilar to Enkidu, the friend and companion of Gilgamesh.

8. vontois

(n.) A flaily, wiggling dance-step commonly found at grade school socials. Note: most grade-schoolers are not aware that they are doing the vontois. However, accomplished vonteuses train for many years in France to perfect the step.

7. whask

(n.) A whale mask. Note: scholars have been locked in a century-long debate as to whether the word whask described a mask intended for humans that depicts a whale's face, or rather, a very large, content-unspecific mask designed to be worn by whales. Ex. “Either Tom or a whale wore a whask to a party—it is difficult to tell which, though, because of the vagaries of linguistic history.”

6. martchel

(n.) A satchel worn while marching. Note: this word has lost almost all its meaning due to the fact that like, maybe three people own satchels and even fewer people go marching.

5. squiggiform

(n.) An ancient cave-doodle, usually the work of extremely unskilled cave-artists and abandoned mid-composition. Note: it is extremely possible that some, if not, most squiggiforms are actually early examples of sidgiles.

4. darchist

(n.) A rabid follower of current Kansas City Chiefs longsnapper J.P. Darche. In early 2008, 17 were killed and 156 were severely injured during Pro-Darchist riots in Plattsburg, MO. Wikipedia notes that Darche has "no notable achievements" during his career in the NFL.

3. festoop

(v.) To festoon a stoop. Ex. "Rachel, be a dear and festoop the house with Halloween decorations." Note: the phrase "festoop the stoop" is redundant.

2. dennis

(v.) To obsessively use the word "dennis" in the place of other nouns. Ex. "Rami has a tendency to dennis when he drinks; "Buy me another dennis! What kind of dennis do you drive? Oh man, I threw up all over the dennis," etc... It's really disheartening."

1. trabidity

(n.) The tendency to invent and propagate fake words. Ex. “Aw crap, Peter is such a lame dorky guy. And, um… trabidity. Yeah.”

The Top 9 Slang Terms I Tried To Make Popular, Peter Edition

As a response to Rob's recent list of slang he tried to get off the ground, here is my own chronicle of words and phrases I tried (and failed) to introduce into the popular lexicon.

By the way, I was going to do a Minnesota Twins related list, but seeing as tomorrow is the Biggest Game of All Time, AKA, the Twins v. the Bitch-Sox for the AL Central Crown, I figure I'll save it for tomorrow, win or (KNOCK ON A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BASEBALL BAT) lose. WIN TWINS!

9. “Pancho”

There was time when I was, oh, let’s say, seven years old, when I used to call most people “Pancho”. I had a pretty good reason for this quirk. We had a foosball table and my dad nicknamed all the little foosball player-men Pancho, because they were a tan shade of plastic, with little black helmet hairpieces. Total Panchos. Anyway, I started doing that one day while my buddy Julian was over and he started doing it at school the next day, and pretty soon, everyone and everything was Pancho. It didn’t last past the fifth grade. I tried!

8. “Face”

Hah. Yikes. My bold, high-school attempt to replace buddy/guy/friend/you with “face”… it was synecdoche pushed to its lamest extreme. “Hey face!” I’d say to my friends, instead of, you know, “Hey, Matt!” or “Hey, Nik!” Yeah, it was an awful idea. Only slightly worse than Pancho.

7. “Stay black.”

Today in the shower, I was thinking about things I say, and that turned into things I want to start staying, and I arrived at “Stay black.” I should definitely start saying this! Like, always! End of a meeting, looks like we’re moving forward with purpose and direction? Stay black! You totally just made out with your crush of five years? Stay black! Good episode of Gossip Girl? Dude… stop watching Gossip Girl.

6. “Balla, narc, or poseur”

Once upon a time, Eva and I invented a sweet game called “Balla, narc, or poser”. The object of the game is to decide whether the historical figure (usually a president) is a balla, a narc, or a poser. I’ll just copy/past the gchat—you’ll get the gist.

me: john Quincy adams… total poser. TOTAL poser.

Eva: he did make it into Profiles in Courage, though

me: i think all american history can be broken down into ballers and posers.

More like Profiles in BOREage.

Eva: I agree

on both counts

me: henry clay = baller.

samuel tilden = poser

Eva: Garfield, baller or poser?

poser, I think

me: in his first term, he was a total baller, but as he got on in years, he faded into poserdom.

oh yeah, garfield was a huge poser.

Eva: this is true

me: a poseur even.

Eva: Baller = Taft

he was so fat!

slash phat!

me: YES!

it's true!

oh, there are also a few narcs.

Wilson.

Eva: obviously!

Wilson was such a narc.

5. “Make arrest.”

I was obviously obsessed with The Departed during my senior year of college, so for a while, a thing that I decided was really fun to do was to text Rob and Tom the phrase “make arrest” at completely random moments. (Not random in that annoying, girlish sense, ie: “You guys, Trent was so random and awkward last night. He kept like, saying these things from these random movies and it was totes awkward, but like, cute-awkward… or, well, maybe awkward-cute, but, whatever, anyway, SO random!" Not at all random like that... my use of "make arrest" was lacking in purpose, order, or cause.) Anyway, I kept doing this for awhile, and then I started introducing it into conversation, but the problem was, it didn’t really mean anything. It was just a fun thing to say… which was actually really fun? Oh, well. It died.

4. “What powers does he have?”/”What cool features does he come with?”

This is one that I really should have put more of an effort into because it could have really taken off. For a while last year, whenever one of my friends would talk about someone new, I would always say, “What powers does he/she have?” to mean, “What is he/she like?” The thing that I really liked about it was that it cast social skills and personality traits as magical attributes. Then, I thought about it for a while, and it sounded like I was treating human people like action figures… things that could have battle damage or shoot plastic missiles. (Although, it’s true, most of my closest friends are battle damaged. Or just damaged.)

3. “Mom”

Earlier this year, I started calling everyone “Mom”. It is safe to say that I missed my mom. I stopped discriminating between sexes—referring to Tom as Mom after a while (I played the rhyme up quite a bit), and then just random folk I met on the street. Everyone became Mom. Then, it lost its luster, so I stopped doing it. (But now all of Caitlin’s girlfriends call each other Mommy! COINCIDENCE!?)

2. “No one knows!”

This is slightly akin to Rob’s “that’s made up”… but I am still trying to make it work, every chance I get. Here’s the deal. I frequently say things that demand explanation or qualification. Example… Some Person: Peter, why are you so upset about the White Sox losing to the Tigers? Peter: No one knows! What I love about this is that the reason in the example is clear… I’m upset because the White Sox blow and one more loss would mean the Twins would be in the playoffs. But it’s more important than that! “No one knows” is an existential expression of the true uncertainty of this (American?) life. No one actually knows, because absolute truths don’t exist. More importantly, though… it is fun to say! No one knows!

1. “Ah, life”

Folks! This was a longtime favorite. This was such a catchphrase that I tried to put it on a shirt. It was a mantra, a heartfelt admission of the ridiculous ebb and flow of the human condition. When something wonderful happened, “Ah, life,” I’d say. When something disappointed me, “Ah, life,” I’d say. When the Twins and the White Sox had to play a single, win-and-in playoff, scheduled for tomorrow at 7:30, AH FUCKING LIFE, SAYS I!!!