Top 22 Under-the-Rader MLB Deadline Deals

OH MAN WE NEVER POST ANYMORE!

Well, we here at PaRMLoT are all about bucking trends little by little, AKA, when I'm supposed to be finishing a chapter for work, I write lists about fake things that happened in baseball today (but not really).

Anyway, we've all heard that story about the baseball player who got traded for an expensive dinner or a handful of bats... well, guess what. THINGS LIKE THAT STILL HAPPEN. For instance, today--the date of the Major League Baseball trade deadline--the following trades happened:

22. Gary Matthews Jr. traded from the Angels to the Astros for a relatively sizeable hunk of cheese

21. Marco Scutaro traded from the Blue Jays to the Oriolies for four screws, a thumbtack, and a sheet of paper with a crudely drawn penis on it

20. Heath Bell traded from the Padres to the Mets for the Asian Jonathan Papelbon

19. Eddie Guardado traded from the Rangers to the Twins for some twine and a particularly sharp chicken bone

18. Stephen Drew traded from the D-Backs to the Mariners for the entire Internets

17. Rocco Baldelli traded from the Red Sox to the Braves for a DVD copy of Entrapment

16. Nick Johnson traded from the Nationals to the Rays for two DVD copies of Entrapment, plus a VHS of Youngblood

15. Huston Street traded from the Rockies to the Brewers for a sturdy 50 year-old oak

14. Boof Bonser traded from the Twins to the Dodgers for the farm, and all its residents

13. Ricky Nolasco traded from the Marlins to the Nationals for the philosophical idea of the Washington Nationals

12. Grant Balfour traded from the Rays to the Tigers for a potato alarm clock and Eva Mendes, who is a lizard

11. Khalil Greene traded from the Cardinals to the Yankees for the gay Jonathan Pabelbon

10. Vernon Wells traded from the Blue Jays to the Cubs for the island nation of Papau New Guinea

9. David Eckstein traded from the Padres to the Rangers for Jupiter’s moon Io

8. Fausto Carmona traded from the Indians to the D-Backs for the naming rights to the next Farrelly Brothers' comedy

7. Willy Aybar traded from the Rays to the Cardinals for the blind Jonathan Papelbon

6. Mark Teahen traded from the Royals to the Rockies for a handful of grapes and $150,000

5. Dennys Reyes traded from the Cardinals to the Rangers for a high plains drifter with nothing to lose but his past

4. Marlon Byrd traded from the Rangers to the Mariners for a can of wasabi peas and a “Kick me!” sign

3. Homer Bailey traded from the Reds to the Yankees for whatever the Native Americans sold Manhattan for

2. A.J. Pierzynski traded from the White Sox to the Indians for window-mounted AC unit and Jhonny Peralta

1. Jonathan Papelbon traded from the Red Sox to the Tigers for the female Jonathan Papelbon

Top 23 Other Baseball Metaphors For Sex

It is May and baseball season is in full effect! You know that old thing about baseball being a metaphor for sex? Y'know, first base is kissing, second base is heavy petting, etc... Well, it kind of falls apart once you get to the shortstop. But I got to thinking, what about other baseball terms? They must have some sort of sexual analog too, right? Now, I'm not saying that I came up with the definitions or anything, but... well... just think of the possibilities!

23. a ground rule double

22. getting caught in a run-down

21. a ball in the dirt

20. a pinch runner

19. a throwing error

18. getting hit by the pitch

17. bringing in a relief pitcher

16. seventh inning stretch

15. arguing balls and strikes with the umpire

14. rolling out the tarp during a rain delay 

13. fouling out

12. the mercy/slaughter rule

11. the infield fly rule

10. a fielder's choice

9. a sacrifice bunt

8. playing on astroturf

7. going into extra innings

6. a grounder through Billy Buckner's legs

5. a walk

4. a bases loaded walk

3. a bases loaded walk in the bottom of the ninth with the score tied

2. having sex on a baseball field

1. a balk

Top 2 Things That Are Borderline Unforgivable

2. The Minnesota Twins did not win their season opener against the Seattle Mariners.

You guys better win tonight or I am taking over the team like that kid in Little Big League. There will be a reckoning! No one is safe! Not even you, Nicky Punto! Now, slide into first base head-first! Again! Again! Who do you play for! Again! Again!

1. I put up a "Happy Birthday, Paul Rudd" list, but not a "Happy Birthday, Mom" list?!

You guys, this was just bad, bad form. You may recall that yesterday, April 6th, I posted a list chronicling the eight best roles Paul Rudd has played, in honor of his 40th birthday. Well, where the hell was I on March 28th, and where was the tribute list to my dear mother? (Note: I'm not "just now bringing this up" 'cause my dad told me to or anything like that. It dawned on me this morning and I felt totes bummed, so I had to do something about it. In fact, DAD, where was the "How dare you not tribute your mom in list fashion!" email?! Diffusion of responsibility!) Anyway, here are the Top 8 Roles My Mom Has Played:

8) Department chair
7) First soprano (not like, first ever, but still!)
6) First librarian in space (that was a first)
5) Also the second librarian in space
4) "Melissa" in A.R. Gurney's Love Letters
3) Wife
2) Mother
1) Third librarian in space

I love you, Mom!

Top 23 Literary Characters Chosen in a Literary Character Fantasy Baseball Draft

Pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training in two weeks!

23. Sal Paradise, right field

22. Amory Blaine, first base

21. Newland Archer, pitcher

20. John Yossarian, pitcher

19. Leo Proudhammer, left field

18. Quentin Compson, catcher

17. Coalhouse Walker, left field

16. Dean Moriarty, closer

15. Eugene Gant, middle relief

14. Michael Pemulis, pitcher

13. Macon "Milkman" Dead III, third base

12. Tyrone Slothrop, third base

11. Billy Pilgrim, centerfield

10. Rabbit Angstrom, utility infielder

9. Pedro Romero, first base

8. Bigger Thomas, right field

7. Seymour Glass, closer

6. Saleem Sinai, second base

5. Aureliano Buendia, shortstop

4. Jake Barnes, catcher

3. Nick Carraway, third base

2. Alexander Portnoy, centerfield

1. Philip Marlowe, pitcher

The Top Saddest Thing About Baseball Season

1.) The end.

(FYI: This isn’t really going to be much of list, just a collection of thoughts about the Minnesota Twins, Game #163, and baseball in general.)

I jumped out of my seat as fast as I could after Alexi Casilla flied out center to end the game; I was absolutely determined not to see the White Sox celebrating their victory and subsequent clinching of the AL Central crown. But celebrate they should, I suppose… it was an absolute artwork of a game. Still, one bad pitch gets slapped 461 feet and that’s the season.

In the 8^th, I couldn’t help but think, “These are the Twins, man! They do the little things right, they play small ball, they’re fundamental… someone’s gonna tie this up.” I actually found myself convinced that Nicky Punto was going to knock one out of the park. (Nick, on the most offhand of chances, if you are reading—know that I am the only kid walking around NYC with a #8 jersey that reads “Twins” on the front and your name on the back. You’re my guy.) That’s what a great ballclub does, I guess… they make you believe.

As per usual, my mind has been flooded with a host of clichés… tokenisms about there always being a next year, and hockey season being a few weeks away, and the fact that it’s only a game. Well, DFW said that clichés stick around for a reason—they’re deep, transcendent truths and the fact that we’ve heard them a million times doesn’t detract from their validity. That maybe true, but I just have to take an issue with that last one: “It’s only a game.” Yeah. It is. It is only a game. And that’s what I love about it. I love games, because we need games. We need to be able to play and (sometimes!) win at ultimately meaningless things because we need that release. We’re in the midst of a financial crisis, the likes of which we haven’t seen in decades. Thursday night, a vice presidential candidate is going to take the stage for a debate who believes the earth was created in six days. There are still good-hearted American kids dying in Iraq, not to mention the good-hearted kids on the other side, as well. Excuse the preachiness, but that’s why we need to spend three meaningless hours on the couch every once in a while, it’s three hours you don’t have to spend staring at headlines that make you want to jerk your car off a bridge. 

I’m not saying we should trade in our moral compasses for a glove and a bat. I’m just saying it can be a symbiotic relationship. Besides, the will to compete and the urge to cheer are basic human drives, as is the will to create artificial sets of rules and go and out play by them. It’s all story…

Anyway. Now that I’ve mentioned Sarah Palin, Iraq, and the human condition in general… I left my house and went for a walk. (A walk I went on after the 1998 NFC Championship Game, after Super Bowl XXV—well, kinda—after the 2003 West Conference Finals… and a whole host of other times.) “Unsatisfied” by the Replacements came on my iPod. That was quaint. I walked up to the liquor store with the cat that I like, but it looked like she was off for the night. I made a concerted effort to avoid any brands relating to the color white, socks, or Chicago in general. As I rang out with the cashier… the little cat strolled out of the back room and sidled up to my sneakers, as if she knew somehow. (She didn’t. She’s a cat and I am  human who is regularly nice to her. Anyway, though, it was a sweet gesture.) Here’s the thing. We’ve got five young pitchers with great arms and brains. We’ve got the AL batting champ and the likely MVP runner-up. We can win without Torii and Johan. We’ve got speed, we’ve got heart, we’ve got fundamentals. Granted, it didn’t win us the World Series or anything this year… but it at least got us past #162. Even if just for one game.

Well. Thanks for a great season, guys. Pitchers and catchers report in 137 days. I hope I can last that long.

Top 15 Cards to Play

I owe this list, in concept and partially in content, to Lakshmi... you guys, this girl is clever. And I know that's a word people use in a sort of pejorative manner, but I don't mean it that way. I think cleverness is a great pastime! Possibly, the American Pastime? No, that is baseball.

15. Blockbuster card

With the advent of Netflix, this is basically irrelevant and I barely know why I included it at all. I guess it just reminds me of simpler times when my mom and I would go rent Mr. Mom over and over and over again. Michael Keaton + kids + renegade household appliances = WACKY!

14. The Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals went a modest 8 and 8 last year, but no one outside of Arizona really noticed. They're going to start Kurt Warner at quarterback this year, which is unfortunate. It was cool in 1999 when Kurt Warner came out of nowhere to lead the Rams to the Super Bowl, but wasn't he like, already old back then? I predict a 5-11 finish this year, and that once again, no one outside of Arizona will notice.

13. Hallmark card

A fun (but also intolerant?) thing to do is to give special occasion Hallmark cards for birthdays. I like giving Bat Mitzvah cards to boys/men on their birthdays, because a) they are not girls and b) they are not participating in a Jewish rite of passage. See, it's funny on TWO levels!

12. Postcard (from Maine)

Preferably from Acadia National Park, created by Woodrow Wilson in 1916. Acadia National Park is located primarily on Mount Desert Island, Maine... which is probably the coolest name for either a mountain, a desert, or an island. Also, on the subject of postcard, I find them to be a very smug form of communique. If you really wished that I was here (or there, as it were) so

 badly, couldn't you just charter a goddamn jet? Jesus. Show a little initiative.

11. Wildcard

This guy... you don't know where he's coming from! He's cocky, he's inexperienced, maybe he has a wife, maybe he has a ferret--YOU DON'T KNOW. He's probably the demolitions expert on your heist team, and halfway through the movie, it looks like he's gonna double cross you, but then, in the closing minutes, it turns out he was A-OK all the while. BUT MAYBE IN THE SEQUEL HE WILL SCREW YOU?!!?!

10. Ace (in or out of hole)

Lots of great things are referred to as aces: tennis serves, star pitchers... there's even a Motorhead song about the Ace of Spades. Well, it's called the Ace of Spades; I don't think anyone really knows what it's about. But... then, there's that pesky debate about whether an ace is the highest or the lowest card. I guess it's a contextual thing, like whether or not you can make fun of foreigners at a party. If it's a Congratulations For Getting Your Citizenship party, then probably not.

9. American Express Centurion Card

I hear these things are like, a real status symbol or something. I think the reason that I'm unclear on this is because I have very little status. Well, whatever. Centurion is a neat word.

8. Library card

These things really exist! Do you ever forget that? What a silly joke of a card, I know, but the more I think about it, it's such a great idea! A little white and blue piece of laminated paper with your name on it that allows you to take books out of a big building for a certain amount of time. HAH! Ridiculous! If you don't have one, you can't take books out of that building! (You guys, I don't know why I am for something suddenly amused by libraries. My mom is a librarian, for crying out loud!)

7. Rookie card

When I was a little guy, my way of expressing adoration for an athlete was by screechily proclaiming, "I have his rookie card!!!" Um, I still do this, actually. Like, for real people who aren't athletes. For instance, if I was at a party and someone asked, "Hey, do you know Dan Erickson?" I'd go, "Yeah! I have his rookie card!!!"... even though he's never had his image printed on a trading card! I'm so full of lies, you guys.

6. Race card

I think it's a great idea to equate the race issue to a trump card, specifically because it reminds me of Rob Trump, the fella I write this list-blog with. He's a great guy, and he rarely plays the race card. In fact, the only cards that I know for a fact he plays are Magic cards. OH MAN. You guys. What if the way to counteract the race card was by playing a Magic card--but by that I mean a card that is ACTUALLY magic. Whoa.

5. Gender card

Played it!

4. Red card

This card is a badass, no? It is a piece of paper that says you have to go sit down and stop running around, but it doesn't even have words on it--JUST COLOR. That's pretty intense. Also, it's much cooler than the yellow card, mainly because red is such a more aesthetically pleasing color than yellow. (Although I still maintain that it's overrated.)

3. Uno

Lakshmi berated me pretty harshly for not making this the number one card to play. I understand the joke--one card left, you have to say Uno, etc.-- but I've always had problems with this game. It just seems... so arbitrary. And European. I know, I know, if I think I could make a better card game, I should just do that, but you guys, it is harder than it sounds and I lose things very easily. I have very fond memories of Uno, to be honest... they just aren't recent ones.

2. The Jack of Hearts

The reason this guy is so high on my list is that the Dylan song "Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts" is so integral to my upbringing. It's about this cat the Jack of Hearts who shows up in Town to rob the bank--but also the love of Lily, the fairest girl at the cabaret? Of course, Lily is sleeping with Big Jim, the wealthiest guy in town, and his wife Rosemary is none-too-pleased with that little turn of events. ANYWAY. The eminent music critic Herman O'Wikipedia claims that there is an interesting debate as to whether or not the song is about criminal facades that hide romantic motives OR romantic facades that hide criminal motives. NICE! It also has my dad's favorite line in any song ever: "The only person on the scene missing was the Jack of Hearts."

1. "Race card" card

Hahahahahah, oh my friends. Sometimes I delight in my own jokes. But seriously, it is ridiculous when someone makes bigoted or racist statements and then uses the phrase "race card" to gloss things over. Oh, man... we ended on a downer! Um? Football starts next week. Go Vikings!