Top 1 Teaser Videos About Mini Golf In Brooklyn

GUYS! This is a bonus list! As soon as I post it, I will get to work on my next one. But for right now, you better friggin' watch this important video about an important project being conducted in the important borough of Brooklyn, all in the important name of Sustainability!!!

Laksh made this and I think it is just swell.

1. The Putting Lot

The Putting Lot from Lakshmi Sundaram on Vimeo.

Top 16 Cryptids

Hey everyone, listen up! When I was a little kid, I was obsessed with monsters. This is why I watched The Monster Squad constantly. Nowadays, if you are twenty-something or older and you still like talking about monsters, you have to call them cryptids, or else you just don't sound serious. I, of course, am super-serious. So too, by the way, is Lakshmi. We had a long conversation about cryptids the other day (on account of our seriousness), but then we had to stop because we both got scared. Anyway, that inspired this list!

16. The Loveland Frog

Back in 1955, a businessman saw three or four green, scaly frog-men hanging out under a bridge. One of them had a little device that shot sparks and according to the guy, they smelled like alfalfa and almonds. An alternate (and potentially more truthful) telling of this story is as follows: A man in the business of doing drugs stumbled upon a sparsely attended hobo Halloween party. The hobo in charge of bringing snacks could only scrounge up alfalfa and a bowl of almonds.

15. Skunk Ape

The skunk ape is a Bigfoot-knockoff from down south who has a hankering for bushels of apples and smells really funky. Once again, I think the logical explanation is a hobo in a costume.

14. Champ

Champ is a total biter, like Skunk Ape, but he is one notch cooler because he is some type of plesiosaur and not a smelly monkey. He (apparently it is totally obvious that Champ is a dude) lives in Lake Champlain, and has been there every since 1883--coincidentally appearing during the first Make Lake Champlain More Famous campaign headed up by the Lake Champlain Board of Tourism. (I cannot trace Champ's origins to hobos.)

13. Bunyip

What even is a bunyip. This is why I don't get Aussies.

12. Black Shuck

Mythical Scottish dog name-checked by neo-glam-rockers The Darkness in their song "Black Shuck". (According to the lyrics, "Black Shuck / that dog don't give a fuck".) Hey, whatever happened to The Darkness? They have practically achieved cryptid status as a band by this point. Did they ever really exist?

11. El Chupacabra

Also known as the goat-sucker! (Yes, yes, that is a blood-curdling moniker!) This alien/reptile/dog/cat/vampire/thing roams the Southwest and Mexico, wreaking havoc on livestock, mainly goats. (It, um, sucks their blood, apparently.) My beef with the chupacabra is that it sounds like the product of a five year old who has been asked to design his very own imaginary animal. "An it'll have... talons! And a beak with fangs... but also it can fly. And really big eyes! And claws! And a tail that turns into a gun! And when it blinks, you get really cold! And it looooves American Graffiti!" 

10. Goatman

Aw man, this guy scared the crap out of me as a little guy. It's a half-man, half-goat who roams the backroads of the U.S. with a hatchet and a temper. Mostly he runs out into the road, jumps on cars, and beats the shit out of their roofs and hoods. What a cryptid dick! Also, he's human enough to scrawl "Goatman was here" in rest-stop bathrooms. Neither goats or men are particularly terrifying, but when their two powers combine--JEEZ. (Note: actually pertinent hypothetical battle question... if Goatman and a chupacabra got into a fight, who would win!!?!)

9. Mothman

Wasn't there a Richard Gere movie about this guy? (Answer: YES.) Run down of powers: Flight? Check. Cool, creepy, glowing eyes? Check. Ability to cause cataclysms!? Check! Oh man, this life is so full of weird. 

8. Mongolian Death Worm

The Chinese don't screw around when it comes to cryptid-related urban legends. Half-man, half-whatevers are boring. What isn't boring is a gigantic worm-snake that spews venom and always kills you. This one was definitely not invented by hobos. There are photos of tracks to prove it!!! (Note: okay, so a long line in the sand is what counts as tracks in this instance, but for reals, guys, DEATH WORM!)

7. The Lake Tianchi Monster

I'm giving this guy extra points because he's the only one with a Mountain Goats song dedicated to him. (Also, he sounds like the friendliest monster out of the bunch!)

6. The Beast of Bodmin Moor

Probably one of the more plausible ones on the list. So... every once in a while, rural Britons see large, carnivorous cats, just chillin' out on the moors. They're usually described as lion or panther-like and they just love killing sheep. Frankly, I think a better thing to search for would be the Large Cat-Fancier of Bodmin Moor. I'm guessing the thought process usually goes like this. "Shit! My lion/panther escaped! I should call the police--that thing could kill people or sheep. Wait, having a lion/panther in a private residence is probably illegal! Hmm... I know, instead of alerting the authorities, I will by another large, carnivorous cat. That was so easy!"

5. The Jersey Devil

Oh man, remember anti-gypsyism? Yeah, those were the days, eh? Anyway, apparently a gypsy lady had 13 kids or something and the thirteenth was the Devil's son. I have chosen to half-remember the Jersey Devil's origin story, rather than doing any research. Also, the New Jersey Devils are a not-half-bad team to pull for, when it comes to hockey teams. By the way, the thing about the Jersey Devil is that I think I could take him. Like, I've seen the pictures, and that little Pine Barrens-dwelling prick has it coming. He's got stumpy little legs, a big dumb reptile-dog face, and poorly drawn wings. You're going down, mythical creature!

4. Bigfoot

There's a great Mitch Hedberg joke about how the scariest thing about Bigfoot is that he's so blurry. There's this fuckin' blurry guy running around the Pacific Northwest! In other news, wasn't Mitch Hedberg the greatest?

3. The Loch Ness Monster

It should be noted that according to news clippings seen in How I Met Your Mother, Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel) will capture the Loch Ness Monster sometime in the 2030s. Neat! Also, my favorite thing is on those "In Search of Monsters"-type shows when they implicate Nessie in that one speedboater's death? Because Nessie was apparently making waves? Waves that killed?

2. The Thylacine

WHAT, this thing is real, but it died out. OR DID IT?!!?! Answer: Dudes, obviously not. I'm guessing there's some sort of massive Australian government conspiracy... in fact, I bet they're slowly sneaking thylacines into high-ranking government positions. Like that one Australian governor who can open his mouth 180 degrees. He is probably a thylacine.

1. The Yeti

BEST MONSTER EVER. Sweet name, sweet location, sweet backstory... I even named my cat after the Yeti. There is just something so thrilling, so engaging about an enormous furry beast, carving out a legendary existence in an inhospitable climate, eluding capture and verified documentation for hundreds of years. (Then again, there are Tibetan hobos, too...)

Top 13 Reasons Thanksgiving Is So Late This Year

The 27th? THE TWENTY-SEVENTH!?!!?! That's boosh. There must be soooooome sort of explanation? OR THIRTEEN, EVEN. (That last sentence was meant to be read like Snagglepuss. Even.)

13. Stuffing crop coming in a tad lean this year.

Also, the can-shaped cranberry sauce fields were hit pretty hard by a coldsnap. 

12. Miss Tompkins' 2^nd graders haven’t finished their hand-turkeys yet.

Pilgrim hats and Native American head-dresses are right on schedule, though.

11. November is still hungover from Barack Obama won the election YAAAAAAY!!!

Yes, we mrghphhh... 

10. The over-commercialization of Thanksgiving.

Duane Reade spent a lot of money on its T-Day campaign and they are not quitting it until every last one of those plush turkeys and pilgrim-themed crazy straws is sold.

9. Need to tease the excitement of a Lions-Titans game a little more.

0-11 vs. 10-1! What a shit-tastic matchup! Kerry Collins might break the record for Yards Passed per Quarts of Alcohol Consumed! (Over his career, not one single game... Fran Tarkenton set that record after he learned that the Giants were trading him back to the Vikings.)

8. There’s a Termors marathon on.

You guys, I would watch Tremors any time ever.

7. Closeted fifteen year-old Guy Buckley totally meant to work up the nerve to come out this weekend, but saw Twilight instead.

We're all rooting for you, Guy! Also, we're all angry at you for upping Twilight's box-office draw, but don't let that stop you from being you.

6. It’s not. You just got punk’d by the calendar company.

In other news, wouldn't Julian Calendar be a sweet character name? Specifically for a supervillain. If anyone wants to start a comic book with me right now, give me a call. My phone number is 1-800-LISTBLOG. (The "G" is silent on your keypad.)

5. Baz Luhrman’s Australia, opening November 26^th, 2008.

Also, Four Christmases, though.

4. Times Square.

Okay, this is a non-sequitur, but I have been pissed about Times Square lately, and earlier today, I was working on something, and I wrote this...

"The moth-to-the-flame allure of Times Square was frustrating, but it made sense. As fanny-packs and matching t-shirts bulged their way out of the 42nd Street subway stop, he was struck with yet another one of those this-thing-is-just-like-Life realizations. People come to Times Square because it's large, inscrutable, and promising. It's like anything people look forward to, any vessel of drastic change. It promises to improve and embellish upon anything you've previously experienced, to brush away everything that was mundane and simple, but when you finally get there... you stand around for a while, take a few pictures, and head over to the Applebee's. And the whole time, you're getting in the way of the folks who know better than to give themselves over to anticipation."

Okay, that was kinda sad and this item is a little bit of an overshare.

3. Stephen Colbert’s Christmas Special happened, people were like, “Fuck it.”

Remember when I was like, "Dudes, it is going to be great." CALLED IT.

2. Because I demand to play my annual Thanksgiving football game in the snow.

And snow means we can play tackle! Also, regardless of snow, the Vikings won today and everyone who knows anything was mad thankful.

1. Native American guilt.

Dudes. This is kind of effed, right? Like, I get it... family, football, turkey, cranberries, thanks, giving--all that. But, um, not to push my shit on you or anything, but let's not forget, ya know, the 60 guilders than Manhattan Island got sold for, and the Trail of Tears, smallpox blankets, and the Tomahawk Chop (PS: Fuck the Atlanta Braves)... There are totally non-messed up ways to celebrate this holiday, but that doesn't mean it isn't a messed up holiday.

Top 9 Trails

You guys! It is another one of those lists where I take a word that has multiple (maybe?) meanings and write my favorite examples of it in real-life (or maybe fake ones too!). And also, it is another one of those lists that Laksh came up with when I was complaining about how hard it is to come up with ideas for lists!

9. Trail of Tears

Let us not mince words, friends. This was not a good trail. This was not a fun trail. In fact, there was, as is implied by the title, a decent amount of crying on this trail. Legend has it that so many Native American tears were shed during this trail, that they carved a mighty chasm into the earth and flooded it, thus forming the Mississippi River. Some braves jumped in and became bull sharks. Other turned into gambling boats.

8. Happy trails

I hear these are cool? I dunno... mine is not a trail, mine is like if there were a bunch of settlers who got separated while going through a valley and decided to go off in separate directions. Maybe a few of them run into each other again, but then they branch off again because they have weird pasts and even though they are lost in the wilderness, they're better off on their own, frankly.

7. Campaign trail

Question: What is the easiest way to get free Vermont maple syrup, Idaho potatoes, and Kentucky whiskey? Answer: Run for president. Also, you get to kiss babies from all 50 states. It's like collecting the 50 State Quarters, but with babies instead of change!

6. Apple trailers

Hey! Do you want to be that kid who quotes the new Batman/Coen Brothers/EpicDateDisaster movie before all the other nerds on the playground? Well then, this is the site for you! I mean, chances are, a lot of these trailers will play for 2 days at the Angelika and like, .1 days anywhere else, but you guys, one day I saw my friend's face RIGHT NEXT to Steve Carrell's! Hannah Takes The Stairs and Dan in Real Life were totally in kissing distance!

5. Trailhead

Wait. Peter. Are you saying that blogosphere coverage of the presidential campaign is actually cooler than the campaign itself? UH HUH. Witty, incisive coverage from Columbia University's own Chris Beam. (He even got made fun of on The Colbert Report! Way to go, Chris!) They recently had a naming contest for Bristol Palin's unborn child... of the entries received, I think "Puck" is a good one, because I like hockey and recently played the part in Midsummer. (Although I'd go even further with the hockey-imagery: "Two-way Forward"! Wait, no... that sounds kinda... gay.)

4. Tractor trailers

My uncle drives one of these. He also a) owns a fez, b) smokes fine cigars, c) appreciates The Third Man on a deep level, d) is married to my awesome aunt, e) is the proud owner of two Siamese cats and a horse, and f) lives in a log cabin. Okay, admittedly, this makes a better case for my uncle being one of the coolest guys on the planet, than it does for tractor trailers being the fourth coolest trail-related thing... but I ask you, America. Would a cool guy like my uncle hang out with tractor trailers if they weren't at least as half as cool (read: VERY cool) as he is? I rest my totally unimpeachable case.

3. Trail mix

Also known as GORP! Oh man. This stuff has it all... granola, oatmeal, raisins, AND peanuts. And if your counselor/mom is really nice, there's gonna be M&M's and maybe cranberries, too! It'll fuel you up right for that 8-mile hike! And remember, when you make camp, REMEMBER TO BEAR-BAG YOUR SHIT BEFORE YOU GO TO THE VISTA LOOKOUT. Seriously. Those guys are everywhere. 

2. Appalachian Trail

Hey! You know what a good place to eat Trail Mix is? The Appalachian Trail! This is a sweet trail, because with most national monument/park-type things you can meet someone whose been there and say something, "Oh, yeah yeah yeah, Mammoth Cave... that place is tight, totally. Oh man, right, that video at the beginning--that shit was intense. Wait, did you have that one tour guide? Kendra... Kenley... Kennifer? YEAH! Kennifer! That lady was bat-shit. Any chance she told you that story--SHE DID?! HAHAHA THAT'S AMAZING!" Yeah, that doesn't happen on the Appalachian Trail. It's almost 2200 miles long. "Oh, hey, did you happen to see this one little lodge? Oh right, you were in Maine, I was in Georgia. Hah. Well, whatever, let's keep kissing." (You guys, that hypothetical story got sexy at the end!!!)

1. Computer game trails

Clearly the only reason I did this list was so I could debate the various merits of the following real-life trails (and whether or not their virtual counterparts stack up.)

Oregon Trail: The Video Game vs. Oregon Trail: The Actual Thing

The Game: This is the Legends of the Hidden Temple of mid-90s MAC games. "Hahaha I have to ford the river to go shoot some buffalo but oh no you died of dysentery and now I'm going to raft down the Dalles hahaha!" Yes. Yes, you made some references there, and in some way, I suppose that that constitutes a joke. (DUDES, I am poking my own ribs here, not yours!) 

The Trail: The reality is that dysentery, broken axles, capsized wagons, rotting meat, malaria, dead oxen, snakebites, and Indian attacks are not fun. Maybe we shouldn't make fun of these things? (Okay, but I am still going to, though. Check out this shirt!!!)

The Verdict: THE GAME!

Yukon Trail: The Video Game vs. Yukon Trail: The Actual Thing

The Game: Mostly spent just walkin'... oh, and if you pick the hot Inuit guide, sure, she gives good directions and knows her way around the Alaskan wilderness, but guess what--she'll get ya to the Gold Rush, but you'll never get to second base with her. There's some classic raftin' action and at the end, you get to dig for gold, which is neat. I dunno, though... I mostly just killed time playing the Euchre mini-game at one of the General Stores.

The Trail: Gold rushes are friggin' sweet. Step one: Someone finds gold. Step two: Someone tells everyone. Step three: Everyone rushes to the gold! It sounds like Spring Break crossed with an awesome game show but without cameras! 

The Verdict: THE TRAIL!

Amazon Trail: The Video Game vs. Amazon Trail: WTF?

The Game: This shit was a co-option of my youth. After OT and YT, they gave me this shit. "OH! Why don't you go take pictures of animals! Maybe you can pike some fish if you are hungry? Is there a way to actually win this game? We forgot to make one!!!" This game is bullshit.

The Trail: Um... there was no Amazon Trail. I mean, there were some people who trailed into the Amazon to a) set up plantations, b) enslave native tribes, or c) do ayahuasca... but none of that stuff is in the game, and rightfully so. Except for the ayahuasca. That'd be a fun... game... to play.

The Verdict: BULLSHIT.

Top 15 Cards to Play

I owe this list, in concept and partially in content, to Lakshmi... you guys, this girl is clever. And I know that's a word people use in a sort of pejorative manner, but I don't mean it that way. I think cleverness is a great pastime! Possibly, the American Pastime? No, that is baseball.

15. Blockbuster card

With the advent of Netflix, this is basically irrelevant and I barely know why I included it at all. I guess it just reminds me of simpler times when my mom and I would go rent Mr. Mom over and over and over again. Michael Keaton + kids + renegade household appliances = WACKY!

14. The Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals went a modest 8 and 8 last year, but no one outside of Arizona really noticed. They're going to start Kurt Warner at quarterback this year, which is unfortunate. It was cool in 1999 when Kurt Warner came out of nowhere to lead the Rams to the Super Bowl, but wasn't he like, already old back then? I predict a 5-11 finish this year, and that once again, no one outside of Arizona will notice.

13. Hallmark card

A fun (but also intolerant?) thing to do is to give special occasion Hallmark cards for birthdays. I like giving Bat Mitzvah cards to boys/men on their birthdays, because a) they are not girls and b) they are not participating in a Jewish rite of passage. See, it's funny on TWO levels!

12. Postcard (from Maine)

Preferably from Acadia National Park, created by Woodrow Wilson in 1916. Acadia National Park is located primarily on Mount Desert Island, Maine... which is probably the coolest name for either a mountain, a desert, or an island. Also, on the subject of postcard, I find them to be a very smug form of communique. If you really wished that I was here (or there, as it were) so

 badly, couldn't you just charter a goddamn jet? Jesus. Show a little initiative.

11. Wildcard

This guy... you don't know where he's coming from! He's cocky, he's inexperienced, maybe he has a wife, maybe he has a ferret--YOU DON'T KNOW. He's probably the demolitions expert on your heist team, and halfway through the movie, it looks like he's gonna double cross you, but then, in the closing minutes, it turns out he was A-OK all the while. BUT MAYBE IN THE SEQUEL HE WILL SCREW YOU?!!?!

10. Ace (in or out of hole)

Lots of great things are referred to as aces: tennis serves, star pitchers... there's even a Motorhead song about the Ace of Spades. Well, it's called the Ace of Spades; I don't think anyone really knows what it's about. But... then, there's that pesky debate about whether an ace is the highest or the lowest card. I guess it's a contextual thing, like whether or not you can make fun of foreigners at a party. If it's a Congratulations For Getting Your Citizenship party, then probably not.

9. American Express Centurion Card

I hear these things are like, a real status symbol or something. I think the reason that I'm unclear on this is because I have very little status. Well, whatever. Centurion is a neat word.

8. Library card

These things really exist! Do you ever forget that? What a silly joke of a card, I know, but the more I think about it, it's such a great idea! A little white and blue piece of laminated paper with your name on it that allows you to take books out of a big building for a certain amount of time. HAH! Ridiculous! If you don't have one, you can't take books out of that building! (You guys, I don't know why I am for something suddenly amused by libraries. My mom is a librarian, for crying out loud!)

7. Rookie card

When I was a little guy, my way of expressing adoration for an athlete was by screechily proclaiming, "I have his rookie card!!!" Um, I still do this, actually. Like, for real people who aren't athletes. For instance, if I was at a party and someone asked, "Hey, do you know Dan Erickson?" I'd go, "Yeah! I have his rookie card!!!"... even though he's never had his image printed on a trading card! I'm so full of lies, you guys.

6. Race card

I think it's a great idea to equate the race issue to a trump card, specifically because it reminds me of Rob Trump, the fella I write this list-blog with. He's a great guy, and he rarely plays the race card. In fact, the only cards that I know for a fact he plays are Magic cards. OH MAN. You guys. What if the way to counteract the race card was by playing a Magic card--but by that I mean a card that is ACTUALLY magic. Whoa.

5. Gender card

Played it!

4. Red card

This card is a badass, no? It is a piece of paper that says you have to go sit down and stop running around, but it doesn't even have words on it--JUST COLOR. That's pretty intense. Also, it's much cooler than the yellow card, mainly because red is such a more aesthetically pleasing color than yellow. (Although I still maintain that it's overrated.)

3. Uno

Lakshmi berated me pretty harshly for not making this the number one card to play. I understand the joke--one card left, you have to say Uno, etc.-- but I've always had problems with this game. It just seems... so arbitrary. And European. I know, I know, if I think I could make a better card game, I should just do that, but you guys, it is harder than it sounds and I lose things very easily. I have very fond memories of Uno, to be honest... they just aren't recent ones.

2. The Jack of Hearts

The reason this guy is so high on my list is that the Dylan song "Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts" is so integral to my upbringing. It's about this cat the Jack of Hearts who shows up in Town to rob the bank--but also the love of Lily, the fairest girl at the cabaret? Of course, Lily is sleeping with Big Jim, the wealthiest guy in town, and his wife Rosemary is none-too-pleased with that little turn of events. ANYWAY. The eminent music critic Herman O'Wikipedia claims that there is an interesting debate as to whether or not the song is about criminal facades that hide romantic motives OR romantic facades that hide criminal motives. NICE! It also has my dad's favorite line in any song ever: "The only person on the scene missing was the Jack of Hearts."

1. "Race card" card

Hahahahahah, oh my friends. Sometimes I delight in my own jokes. But seriously, it is ridiculous when someone makes bigoted or racist statements and then uses the phrase "race card" to gloss things over. Oh, man... we ended on a downer! Um? Football starts next week. Go Vikings!