Thursday, September 4, 2008

Top 9 Trails

You guys! It is another one of those lists where I take a word that has multiple (maybe?) meanings and write my favorite examples of it in real-life (or maybe fake ones too!). And also, it is another one of those lists that Laksh came up with when I was complaining about how hard it is to come up with ideas for lists!

9. Trail of Tears

Let us not mince words, friends. This was not a good trail. This was not a fun trail. In fact, there was, as is implied by the title, a decent amount of crying on this trail. Legend has it that so many Native American tears were shed during this trail, that they carved a mighty chasm into the earth and flooded it, thus forming the Mississippi River. Some braves jumped in and became bull sharks. Other turned into gambling boats.

8. Happy trails

I hear these are cool? I dunno... mine is not a trail, mine is like if there were a bunch of settlers who got separated while going through a valley and decided to go off in separate directions. Maybe a few of them run into each other again, but then they branch off again because they have weird pasts and even though they are lost in the wilderness, they're better off on their own, frankly.

7. Campaign trail

Question: What is the easiest way to get free Vermont maple syrup, Idaho potatoes, and Kentucky whiskey? Answer: Run for president. Also, you get to kiss babies from all 50 states. It's like collecting the 50 State Quarters, but with babies instead of change!

6. Apple trailers

Hey! Do you want to be that kid who quotes the new Batman/Coen Brothers/EpicDateDisaster movie before all the other nerds on the playground? Well then, this is the site for you! I mean, chances are, a lot of these trailers will play for 2 days at the Angelika and like, .1 days anywhere else, but you guys, one day I saw my friend's face RIGHT NEXT to Steve Carrell's! Hannah Takes The Stairs and Dan in Real Life were totally in kissing distance!

5. Trailhead

Wait. Peter. Are you saying that blogosphere coverage of the presidential campaign is actually cooler than the campaign itself? UH HUH. Witty, incisive coverage from Columbia University's own Chris Beam. (He even got made fun of on The Colbert Report! Way to go, Chris!) They recently had a naming contest for Bristol Palin's unborn child... of the entries received, I think "Puck" is a good one, because I like hockey and recently played the part in Midsummer. (Although I'd go even further with the hockey-imagery: "Two-way Forward"! Wait, no... that sounds kinda... gay.)

4. Tractor trailers

My uncle drives one of these. He also a) owns a fez, b) smokes fine cigars, c) appreciates The Third Man on a deep level, d) is married to my awesome aunt, e) is the proud owner of two Siamese cats and a horse, and f) lives in a log cabin. Okay, admittedly, this makes a better case for my uncle being one of the coolest guys on the planet, than it does for tractor trailers being the fourth coolest trail-related thing... but I ask you, America. Would a cool guy like my uncle hang out with tractor trailers if they weren't at least as half as cool (read: VERY cool) as he is? I rest my totally unimpeachable case.

3. Trail mix

Also known as GORP! Oh man. This stuff has it all... granola, oatmeal, raisins, AND peanuts. And if your counselor/mom is really nice, there's gonna be M&M's and maybe cranberries, too! It'll fuel you up right for that 8-mile hike! And remember, when you make camp, REMEMBER TO BEAR-BAG YOUR SHIT BEFORE YOU GO TO THE VISTA LOOKOUT. Seriously. Those guys are everywhere. 

2. Appalachian Trail

Hey! You know what a good place to eat Trail Mix is? The Appalachian Trail! This is a sweet trail, because with most national monument/park-type things you can meet someone whose been there and say something, "Oh, yeah yeah yeah, Mammoth Cave... that place is tight, totally. Oh man, right, that video at the beginning--that shit was intense. Wait, did you have that one tour guide? Kendra... Kenley... Kennifer? YEAH! Kennifer! That lady was bat-shit. Any chance she told you that story--SHE DID?! HAHAHA THAT'S AMAZING!" Yeah, that doesn't happen on the Appalachian Trail. It's almost 2200 miles long. "Oh, hey, did you happen to see this one little lodge? Oh right, you were in Maine, I was in Georgia. Hah. Well, whatever, let's keep kissing." (You guys, that hypothetical story got sexy at the end!!!)

1. Computer game trails

Clearly the only reason I did this list was so I could debate the various merits of the following real-life trails (and whether or not their virtual counterparts stack up.)

Oregon Trail: The Video Game vs. Oregon Trail: The Actual Thing

The Game: This is the Legends of the Hidden Temple of mid-90s MAC games. "Hahaha I have to ford the river to go shoot some buffalo but oh no you died of dysentery and now I'm going to raft down the Dalles hahaha!" Yes. Yes, you made some references there, and in some way, I suppose that that constitutes a joke. (DUDES, I am poking my own ribs here, not yours!) 

The Trail: The reality is that dysentery, broken axles, capsized wagons, rotting meat, malaria, dead oxen, snakebites, and Indian attacks are not fun. Maybe we shouldn't make fun of these things? (Okay, but I am still going to, though. Check out this shirt!!!)

The Verdict: THE GAME!

Yukon Trail: The Video Game vs. Yukon Trail: The Actual Thing

The Game: Mostly spent just walkin'... oh, and if you pick the hot Inuit guide, sure, she gives good directions and knows her way around the Alaskan wilderness, but guess what--she'll get ya to the Gold Rush, but you'll never get to second base with her. There's some classic raftin' action and at the end, you get to dig for gold, which is neat. I dunno, though... I mostly just killed time playing the Euchre mini-game at one of the General Stores.

The Trail: Gold rushes are friggin' sweet. Step one: Someone finds gold. Step two: Someone tells everyone. Step three: Everyone rushes to the gold! It sounds like Spring Break crossed with an awesome game show but without cameras! 

The Verdict: THE TRAIL!

Amazon Trail: The Video Game vs. Amazon Trail: WTF?

The Game: This shit was a co-option of my youth. After OT and YT, they gave me this shit. "OH! Why don't you go take pictures of animals! Maybe you can pike some fish if you are hungry? Is there a way to actually win this game? We forgot to make one!!!" This game is bullshit.

The Trail: Um... there was no Amazon Trail. I mean, there were some people who trailed into the Amazon to a) set up plantations, b) enslave native tribes, or c) do ayahuasca... but none of that stuff is in the game, and rightfully so. Except for the ayahuasca. That'd be a fun... game... to play.

The Verdict: BULLSHIT.

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