Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Top 25 Things That Went Through My Head While Riding the Amtrak Train Home from NYC (With Minimal Commentary)

I wrote these in red pen in my little steno-pad while taking an Amtrak Acela across the great state of New York from NYC to Buffalo. After-the-fact commentary included!

25. Finally out of New York City, huh? Yeeee-ikes. Let's stretch those legs, huh? Feels good to be livin' free, out in the country.

Commentary: This is an emotion that only lasts so long. I guess you can't call yourself a New Yorker if you don't have those Oh-man-I-need-to-leave-this-rat-infested-island feelings every once in a while, but as that one LCD Soundsystem song says of New York, "You're still the one place where I'd happily drown." (PS: That video is ridiculous.)

24. New York is amazing! There are trees and lakes and I saw a golden eagle just now!
Commentary: I am pretty sure I was lying about the golden eagle. That's right, I am the kind of person who will lie to a steno-pad. (And also the kind of person who feels the need to come clean about his victimless lies on his blog.)

23. New York is big... and repetitive.
Commentary: Wow, don't hold back, guy.

22. I am getting tired of looking out the window. And sort of motion-sick.

21. But not because I am weak or anything! (But I should eat something.)

20. These cookies that Laksh gave me are awesome! Sugar cookies are better than I expected.
Commentary: They were seriously really good. They come from a secret bakery in Shaolin where people shoot each other over who gets the cookies--BECAUSE THEY ONLY BAKE SO MANY BATCHES PER DAY!

19. I don't know why I didn't expect much. I like sugar, I like cookies... what could go wrong?
Commentary: Um, a lot, if they're not baked properly or contain poisons. OBV.

18. WAIT. That's not actually a great metric (Good Thing A + Good Thing B = Better Thing C)... the perfect example is Coffee-flavored Vodka. That shit is a crusade against good taste.
Commentary: That's no lie. Alcoholic beverage manufacturers! Listen. Infusing things with other things is weird and shady. Plus, it kind of says, "Our actual product is maybe not that tasty, so we need to mix it with other tastier things for you to buy it." For shame, alcoholic beverage manufacturers!

17. Two people on this train are watching Unbreakable. Really? Two?

16. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, it's just... okay, I have this theory that there is a secret syndicate of folks who place this film high, high on a pedestal, above all others. To these people, I say... really?
Commentary: To be totally fair, it was on while I was home and I watched most of it. Sam Jackson gets on my nerves (not surprising), but Bruce Willis is pretty tight, which is not always the case.

15. Why are there no monsters in the woods?!
Commentary: To be totally fair, it would be totally sweet if you were on a train, and all of a sudden, there was Bigfoot.

14. The mile-high club is cool. The steel riders club is... unsanitary.
Commentary: I shudder to think what inspired me to write this.

13. Trains have the same effect on texting as alcohol.
Commentary: I think this means that I texted a lot of people while on the train... I think there's a confound here, though. It's not just that I was on a train, it's that I was bored. Boredom causes texting. Why am I analyzing this?

12. Everything on Amtrak either smells weird or strangely has no smell.

11. Madden 08: Cellphone Version is bullshit!
Commentary: Okay, this is totally true. On defense, all you have to do is set your players up in a goal-line stand situation ON EVERY PLAY. The quarterback AI is so shitty that he will always get sacked. Then, on offense, one out of every four hail mary's will end up in a touchdown. (Either that or run a fake field goal. Gets 'em every time.) Okay, so I expect a lot out of 16-bit graphics that cost me 6 bucks.

10. Train bread is clearly rubberized, somehow.
Commentary: No argument there.

9. Train coffee is clearly cocaine-ized, somehow!!!
Commentary: No comment there.

8. Five dollars for a Jack and Coke is... reasonable?
Commentary: Well, yeah, when you live in New York and it costs $7 for a watered-down V&T.

7. Some of my friends in Buffalo are getting married... I have opinions about this!
Commentary: It takes a turn for the worse here. It's not the drink, it's just that when you're on Amtrak for seven hours or so, you get a little delirious.

6. Maybe... I don't want to get married?
Commentary: I think marriage is a really wonderful thing when it's done right. Same as divorce.

5. No, no. Maybe I really do.

4. Or maybe I just want one shining knight of a child.

3. Or a whole baseball team!

2. Remember in Little Big League when that kid owned a baseball team?
Commentary: It's a phenomenal movie. Plus, they lose in the end! How's that for turning the cookie-cutter genre formula on its head. (Although, it's the Twins losing, so... that's sad.)

1. Oh, cool... we're here.
Commentary: All in all, I'd say it was a pretty productive trip! 

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