Friday, September 12, 2008

Top 17 Garments I Can't Pull Off

Folks, it's true... there are some articles of clothing that I just don't look good in. I can't pull 'em off. It's rough, but frankly, I've got a life to live, so I just have to deal with it. So what garments are they? (I promise no puns!!!)

17. Berets
There are a few photos of me, scattered through the years, that chronicle my ill-advised attempts to wear berets. Each one of them begs the question, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing, guy? Are we supposed to clap or something?" I'm really sorry about this and believe me, if I could go back in time, I would show up on the morning each and every one of those photos were taken, I would slap myself in the face, and I would say to myself, "Listen! You are going to make a horrible mistake today. Just go back to bed and sleep until tomorrow so that you don't do something you're going to regret forever."

16. Bowling shirts
I'm not a bowling man, and I'm not big on trying new things. That being said, I've seen these shirts at thrift stores and the like and I've always wondered, "Well, what if?" The problem is that they usually come with other people's names on them and by that point, it's not just the garment you're trying to pull off, it's a whole other person. I might look okay in the shirt, but I'm certainly no "Phil".

15. Thai fisherman pants
This just sounds like an awful idea and judging by the Wikipedia page, Thailand should be kinda embarrassed about this.

14. The color yellow
It's just a mistake. I can imagine that someday someone will buy me a smiley-face t-shirt and even though I like smiling and do it pretty frequently, I will look at them with a non-smile and say, "BRO, what were you thinking? Do you not know me? This shit is elemental. I look bad in yellow."

13. Fur
I don't mean fur coats, although I don't think that I could really make that work either. I'm talking about having an actual fur coat. Like, coming out of my skin. As though I were a dog or a bear or some other sort of woodland creature. I'm not saying that this is a distinct possibility in my immediate future, I'm just sayin'... I would never look good with a robust coat of lush fur.

12. Meat
To be fair, no one looks good covered in meat. Well, maybe Brad Pitt could pull off bacon. Yo, did you guys see Burn After Reading? Brad Pitt does not wear bacon in it, but it is the funniest movie I've seen all year.

11. Socks, after a run
Yo, you guys, I know I said no puns, but seriously, those little fuckers are hard to get off if you've been running for four or five miles. They're all sweaty and stuff and they try to strangle your ankles. It's bullshit. Sock-makers, see to it that you remedy this ridiculous problem.

10. Jean jackets
Oh. Wait. I'm sorry. I can pull these motherfuckers off. And I do. So quit the shit, haters. And don't tell me that I wear them all the time, because I don't. I wore one for like, a year. But there are other jackets in my life. And I'm sorry if I forgot that I owned one and spent $50 on a new one when I didn't need it! So maybe don't worry about how I make mistakes with jean jackets and start worrying about the fact that I look friggin' rad in one!

9. A sheet
This is self-explanatory, so instead of explaining it, let me just apologize for my jean-jacket-related vitriol. I haven't been sleeping well.

8. Really tight t-shirts
I live in Hell's Kitchen, so I have to be careful about giving the wrong impression to the local dudes. Y'know, those dudes. Dudes who like, wear tear tight t-shirts for a living. More importantly, I don't look good in really tight t-shirts. I look uncomfortable. And kinda itchy. Plus, it's difficult to choose a shirt with a funny slogan that is snarky or references an 80's cartoon. People might look at you and think, "That guy really likes Jem," but maybe you just want to fit in! Guys! I have a problem--it is a need to conform!

7. Capes
I'm not a wizard, I work in a neuroscience lab, therefore, a cape is not a required garment for my job. Also, I'm not a kindergartener, so I can't just show up places and be all, "What up, nerds! This is WHAT I'M WEARING--deal with it... when is snack?"

6. Wife beaters
Basically, I don't have a wife, so I just feel like this would be a pose. 

5. Tracksuits
Don't you feel like if you wear a tracksuit, people are going to depend on you to be peppy and energetic? Perhaps there will be some debilitating energy lull and folks will look to you to pull everyone out of the doldrums with some jumping jacks. I'm sorry, I don't want that kind of pressure. Please stop asking me to wear tracksuits. I can't be your rock.

4. Hakamas (with or without kimonos)
Yeah, no. Sorry. This is the sort of thing I worry about ordering from a catalogue when I am drunk. (NOTE: I don't normally spend my drunk hours paging through the kind of catalogues that sell hakamas... BUT IF I DID!)

3. Tunics
I am not, nor have I ever been a peasant or a serf. Also, I don't participate in re-enactments of peasant/serf-related events. Therefore, wearing a tunic just won't do. 

2. Basketball jerseys
The problem with wearing any type of athletics-related garment is that you are a walking conversation-starter. Plus, people will have an automatically valenced response to your outfit... either, "Yeah, buddy--go Vikes!" or "Fuck you, buddy... the Vi-queens blow, go Packers!" Now, at least football jerseys look cool. Basketball jerseys are all baggy and saggy, plus, I maybe don't like basketball that much? So it just wouldn't make sense for me to wear one? But sometimes I secretly wish I could? You guys, my issues are numerous...

1. Shorts
I am wearing a pair right now and I just feel bad about myself. My calves are so nude! There are literally so many different nice kinds of pants. Jeans, khakis, linen pants, pants that are gray... I could go on. But then summer has to come along and screw all that up! OH, and guys, apparently there are rich people who like, wear expensive shorts and think they are so much better than all of us? Agh, life is a difficult series of trifles and tragedies.

1 comment:

Rob said...

omg burn after reading = laughs for days