Monday, September 8, 2008

Top 9 Lunchmeats

So... the Vikings had ONE of their allotted THREE losses tonight. Is it weird that when I came home, my roommate calmed my troubled soul with Gossip Girl? Yes. YES. That is weird. It doesn't matter how much I identify with the wrong-side-of-the-tracks guy--this is not okay.

BEE TEE DUBS. Adrian Peterson--19 carries, 103 yards, 1 TD. He's back! Not yet in a "he's ba-aaack" way, but the second week could be the perfect time to unleash the two-syllable power of his back-ness. (WHAT?!)

PS: Caitlin says "lunchmeat" sounds like "Lakshmi". UM, UNINTENTIONAL.

9. Bologna

Oh, cool... rubberized pig-asses. Um, what a fun staple of third-grade lunches. (Actually, my mom never put bologna in my lunch--she was a carrots n' celery girl all the way. AND STILL IS!)

8. Pimento loaf

HAHAHAHEY YOU GUYS! I had this one awful lunch meat and then I put green olives and pimentos in it! Isn't that neat?! ("Um... yeah, guy... sure. I just taped a radish to a lightbulb, I guess I invented something cool, too! I hereby convene this meeting of The Retarded Inventors Society.")

7. Pepperoni

If you're more than ten years old, you understand that this is not the greatest meat of all time. It is a fun little once-in-a-while treat, like shrooms or the film Deep Rising. YOU GUYS let's watch Deep Rising. On shrooms. And while eating pepperoni?

6. Salami

Hey, look! Twenty-something pepperoni! Pepperoni with a "job" and "place to stay" and a "boyfriend", but really... is any of it gonna last? Give it two weeks and salami's crashing on a couch in Queens, working weekends as a sandwich mascot, and "kinda seeing" a Dutch farmer/heroin dealer. I'm not saying that isn't interesting--I just need more security in a lunchmeat.

5. Roast beef

Roast beef, you are the opposite of salami. Instead of potentially waking up in a Shanghai gutter, you're too predictable. Roast beef, rye, and mustard/horseradish. Maybe onions or lettuce. COME ON. You're a decent meat but I needs more! Oh... sure... you'll give pumpernickel a shot on vacation, but we all know you're set in your ways--this is a temporary fix. You're fifth best, but you're also fifth worst.

4. Ham

Oh, hi, the swiss cheese of meats. You're subtle, you're... refined. You've got that adult taste we've all been waiting 21 years to appreciate. Oh. Wait. Never mind. You're a frigging deli meat. Be bold, son--no one's watching! Show some spine, have your fill! You aren't predictable (ham and brie? ham and egg? ham and pineapple? ham and cheese?), but I can't help feeling like you might be The Baxter of meats.

3. Pastrami

Basically roast beef, but with a sassy, peppery bent to it... and I like that!

2. Turkey

LOOK. You may win the entree battle, but if you have to gussy yourself up so much to be competitive, you ain't playin' to win. Mesquite BBQ... Lemon pepper... Honey smoked... we've all seen your tricks. You're good, turkey--but you're still a turkey.

1. (Boar's Head) Chicken

Is it cheating to pick one brand? Maybs? BUT I ASK YOU... Is it cheating for one brand to be so good? NO. That is just good business. This is the juiciest, leanest, most flavorful deli meat of all. It goes well on a roll, it goes well on a hero, it goes well with dressing or without... IT. GOES. WELL.

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