Top 5 Entities to Thank

I had thought about doing a list of things that I was thankful for (hangin' preps no regrets--AGAIN), but Peter beat me to the punch and did a better job than I would have done, anyway.  So allow me to be the one to remind you that "to thank" is a transitive verb, and simply being the adjectile form of that verb (that is, "thankful") without any direct object is therefore unacceptable.  This Thanksgiving, thank something or someone.  Here are some options:

5. God

I guess I thought I'd get this one out of the way first, because it's kind of obvious.  God totally arranged everything, so if you don't thank Him, you're pretty much a heathen and committing all kinds of heresy as well as all kinds of suckage.  But the problem with this one is that you sort of also have to "thank" him for the bad things, too, because he's sorrta responible for them, and that's kinda hard for me?  "Thanks, God man, for the 110 dead in the India terrorist attacks" doesn't really sit too well.  So God takes place #5.

4. Axl Rose

This one kind of has the opposite problem, where instead of having to thank someone for too much stuff (like with God), you only really have to thank Axl Rose for one thing, which is for Chinese Democracy not beeing too awful.  Which, you know, you should probably thank him for.  But to be honest, it's not one of your best options for thankable entities.

3. Fairies

A pretty decent third way here is to invent a fairy-based religion with fairies that are slightly less powerful than God but more powerful than Axl Rose, so you can credit them with all of the good things but none of the bad things.  They are not responsible for the bad things because they are locked in an eternal struggle with the Mugwumpian eyebrow demons who cause all things wrong with the world and what the Christ is wrong with me for writing this.

2. Your parents, for having you

This is a pretty good one.  If you like life overall, and you're glad you were brought into the world, some good people to thank are the people who sexed each other to make you.  All of your personal happiness is basically due to them, and if your personal happiness is any appreciable amount greater than your personal sadness, then they deserve some pretty big credit for making each other pregnant.

1. Yourself

On the other hand, even though they made it possible, you are kind of the one who has experienced all your happiness, and figured out ways to funnel your sadness into a kind of sick happiness by doing things like making terrible ironic statements about God and terrorist attacks.  Maybe that last one just applies to me, but I'm sure there are some other ones of you out there.  Word up, brothers.  Even if it doesn't apply to you, I think it is pretty good to thank yourself for everything you have done.  For yourself.  Good job, you!  And good job, me!  For thinking of doing this!

Top 23 Things I Am Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

23. "Hangin' preps, no regrets"

Haha, check the title of the list, nerds. 2009 is going to be packed with sentences that end in prepositions. The greatest grammatical rule ever is in full effect!

22. Instant replay

Here's the thing--I know people have this whole purist "it slows down the tempo of the game" attitude. Question: Which would you prefer, an honest game or an expedient game? Answer: You know the answer.

21. Internet in the woods

We live in the future! I am 50 miles beyond nowhere right now, the night sky is blacker than black, there are rumors of bears and pumas, and yet here I am, speaking to you!

20. Fireplaces

Though my ridiculous cat seems to think this is an awesome place to play? Memo to my cat: Dude, change your definition of "awesome", you have some serious misconceptions. Also, you have eight toes on your two front paws. Okay, that is awesome.

19. NHL Game Radio (also, when hockey announcers call jerseys "sweaters")

Not awesome--the Minnesota Wild blowing a 2-goal lead? What's the deal, fellas? Were you not aware that I was listening and that your loss severely affected my mood for like, an hour?

18. Edgewater, NJ (also, Warminster, PA)

What's up, 2nd most loyal city in the nation? That's right--PaRMLoT gets a robust 15 visits a day from Edgewater. Hey, everybody else--STEP IT UP. You don't want to end up like Peoria.

17. "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding" by Elvis Costello

Awesome story. The other day, Caitlin, Erin, and I were watching the Colbert Christmas Special when Stephen and the gang broke out into (this) song. As Colbert, Feist, John Legend, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson, and Mr. Costello himself all joined in on the phrase "Where is the ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-armony," Caitlin looks at me and says, "Whoa, sweet harmony!" UM, CAITTLE, those are the next words in the song and you didn't even know it HOW SWEET (HARMONY) IS THAT. The universe was speaking, I think.

16. The bratburger from Hallo Berlin

On rye, with mustard and red cabbage. TRUST. ME. Order it with a Spaten.

15. The NRW stop at 47th and 7th

Dear The MTA, I use this stop all the time! It is so convenient and clean and great. The red glazed tiles on the walls make it feel warm, even when it is decidedly not. Good prize! Love, Me. PS: Seriously, the MTA. Love me. LOVE ME!

14. Frank O'Hara

If you have never read "Steps" or "Why I Am Not a Painter" or "Ave Maria", just go do it. Now. I'll wait. This list will wait.

13. TV online

Hey, DirecTV. You thought I'd have to wait until January to watch Season Three of Friday Night Lights. YOU THOUGHT WRONG (AS A CORPORATION). Thanks to some enterprising folks (read: criminals) I have been kept fully abreast of the goings-on in Dillon, Texas. Sure can't wait for the playoffs, and by wait, I mean "wait a few weeks", not "wait until effing DirecTV (AKA Die-in-a-Wreck-TV) says it's okay".

12. Heaven Hill bourbon

Cheap. Surprisingly non-lethal. Attractive red and gold label. And somehow holy?

11. The house wine at Columbia Cottage

I don't care if you guys make it in the basement, it is free and it goes with the Happy Family. Yesterday, my fortune cookie said I was going to meet someone who would bring me excitement and success! (I didn't add "in bed" to the end of my fortune, because I sleep on a futon, so that would be lying.)

10. Non-coin-op laundry

Item! It feels so good to not have to pay for clean clothes. In case you are wondering, I did this today. Am I bragging? Not gonna lie... a little. I think I'm better than you because I didn't pay for laundry this time around. (If you happen to own your own washer-dryer--AKA are some sort of Vanderbilt-esque robber-baron or a non-NYC resident--I am not better than you.)

9. Tim Riggins

Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself WWTRD, what would Tim Riggins do? The answer, usually, is take an indefinite absence from the team, drink heavily while helping out a friend in dire need, stare off into the distance wistfully/mournfully while your hair blows in your face... then you mumble, "Texas forever," and go win the big game. He has the best fictional life.

8. For once, babies, because I suppose we all were them once

This baby came over to my apartment the other day, and she was awesome. She didn't cry or try to steal my soul or any of that crap babies normally do. I was actually okay with the idea of babies for once. I'm gonna call that baby up and see if she wants to hang. We could see Slumdog Millionaire or something.

7. The cold

'Cuz if it's cold, sometimes you have to make your own anti-cold (AKA warmth), am I right, ladies? You guys, that was totally intended to be sweet and charming, but it came off as super-creepy. I am sorry.

6. The ability to ice skate

Because then you can go to the skating rink in Central Park and look the raddest.

5. The absurd

Theory: Most things are absurd, in some way. If you are observing something, and it's not absurd, then that fact in and of itself is absurd, because you've managed to escape the absurd for a moment. If the absurd is occuring, and you choose to ignore it and live your life, that's doubly absurd because you're allowing yourself to believe absurdity doesn't exist. If you come into contact with the absurd (which, as we've just established, is super-likely) and you just say, "Yep, that's absurd," that's still pretty absurd if you think about it, because then you're basically saying that absurdity is normality. Oh my gosh, this life is wonderful and heart-breaking.

4. Rob Trump and his wacky ideas

Thanks for following through on this site, man. We rant and babble and talk weird, but once in a while, I think we're geniuses.

3. The fact that we, as a species, got tired of being nomads

I'm in a house right now, not an outcropping of rocks at which I am making camp for the night, and it's a great, good thing. (I suppose apartment-living is still slightly nomadic, but I digress.) I don't wanna get into a whole thing right now, because it's late and cold and I have to cook a bunch tomorrow... I'm just taking a moment here, considering who I live with, both immediately and emotionally, and I have to say, it's pretty heartening.

2. The human instinct towards tradition

Like when Tom calls "Shots!" in my apartment and we all drink whatever awful alcohol is in the freezer, or when Caitlin starts casting the movie we're watching with our friends, or when Frank decides to christen the night we're having ("The Attack on Manhattan", "The Second Wind", etc...), or when Rob says it's a good day to get soup, or when Laksh communicates with me via George Michael videos on YouTube... these are the sorts of constants in my life that make all the other shit and absurdity seem semi-distant.

1. Change

Then again, Change had a pretty good year, too.

Top 11 Things People Have Searched to Find This Blog

I started using Google Analytics recently, and good Lord, is it fun.  Here are some things people have actually, seriously searched to find this site.  I didn't put things in quotes unless the search terms used quotes, just to be clear.

11. fake mensa acceptance letter

If you want to impress your friends by doctoring an acceptance letter to pretend you got into Mensa, wouldn't it make sense to search for a real Mensa acceptance letter, not a fake one?

10. gordon bombay loafers

Somebody wants to be styyyyyyyyyyyyyylin'!

9. things you can smell in cuba

I don't even know what to say about this.  Other than how much I love the idea that wherever you are in Cuba, there are certain things you can always smell.  I hope one of them is "Fidel's body."

8. brian dennehy asshole

Either this person was involved in an argument with a friend about whether or not Brian Dennehy is an asshole--then subsequently Googled to find evidence for their side--or they just want pictures of Brian Dennehy's asshole.

7. cool things to do with grilled cheese

Dude, just eat it.

6. yukon trail minigame cards

All I have to say about this one is: good Lord, I hope you found them.

5. "i want to make love right now" song

I know that this person was probably Googling lyrics, but I prefer to imagine that it's some really pathetic guy who is trying to find a song he can put on and it will magically turn girls into sex machines.

4. "casey affleck" rubbing

Ew.

3. "i hate chuck palahniuk"

Right on, brother.

2. "peter you're a fool"

Right on, brother.

1. "hangin' preps, no regrets"

Man, this shit has been Googled TWELVE TIMES in order to get to this site!  It's the fifth most-Googled thing that lands people on here.  Yeah, that's right, guys, "hangin' preps, no regrets" is sweet-ass slang and it started HERE.  So far this slang term has spread all the way to at least TWELVE people, and it's still going strong!  Tell your friends!

NOTE: In a few weeks, I'll be doing another list like this to recap what new searches are happenin', and our succes with "hangin' preps, no regrets" will be going on with meatbone only x10000.  Just you wait and see.  Just you wait and see.

Top 9 Slang Terms I Tried to Make Happen

I could make these up and it would probably be funnier, but it is actually true that I've been obsessed for a long time with trying to start using a slang term that would catch on.  Here are some of my attempts:

9. "51 cent"

Peter and I came up with this one a while ago.  It is a simple term for those souvenir flattened pennies that you can buy at a lot of tourist attractions.  It's very low on the list because it has limited applications, but it's a pretty sweet name (in reference to--if you can't tell--the price of the pennies).  Here is an example of usage:

Me: "Yo, Peter, I just got a 51 cent with the World Trade Center on it."

Peter: "Ace."

8. "8 Mile'd"

Let's be honest first, the movie 8 Mile was awful.  But the strategy Eminem uses near the end of it, where he (in a rap battle) admits directly to a lot of bad things about himself so that the other guy will look stupid if he tries to say anything mean to him, struck me as something that needed a slang term.  So I started 8 Mile'ing people and then telling them that they just got 8 Mile'd.  Moral of the story: now everyone knows that I fucked a peanut butter sandwich.  This was not such a good slang term.

7. "That's made up"

This is something relatively new that I've been saying recently because it's pretty fun to say.  It's a dismissal of something, most frequently used with something that's not ACTUALLY made up, but seems made up, or you wish were made up.  For example:

Peter: Did you hear that there's a movie coming out called The Family that Preys?  Like, "preys" with a fucking e?

Rob: That's made up.

I haven't really kicked it into full gear and tried to make this one catch on yet, but I may soon.

A similar one that I used to do but don't as much any more is "That's not real."

6. "I dig it like a pony"

This one seemed fool-proof.  I was so convinced that this one was going to catch on, because it

1) plays off an already popular slang phrase ("I dig it"...or that one dude in The Warriors: "CAN YOU DIG IT???")

2) makes reference to something that is both widespread and hip (The Beatles)

Eventually, I think it failed because it takes too long to say.  Seven syllables to express your approval is admittedlty a lot.

5. "Tole"

Okay, I didn't I actually came up with this myself, or at least I don't think I did.  However, the lack of an Urbandictionary entry for this word, which is internet slang for "totally" that can also be used in real life, leads me to believe that it's not actually any sort of accepted use, and some friend of mine probably started doing this and I just picked it up.  Come forth, friend of mine who invented this great and spread-worthy slang term!

4. "Manual sex"

This doesn't really count as a "slang term" per se--in fact, in a lot of ways, it's the opposite of a slang term: I'm trying to create a more codified general term to replace the slang.  Here's what I mean, at the risk of sounding vulgar (which Lord knows this blog does NOT do): fellatio and cunnilingus, or whatever slang you want to use for them, both fit under the category of "oral sex."  However, there is no gender neutral term for handjob/fingering (I'm sorry I told you this would get gross), hence, a very sensible one on which we can all agree: manual sex.  This is going to catch on yet, I'm telling you.

3. "Ace"

Let me be specific: this is "ace" used as an adjective, often with an expletive added as an adverbial modifier.  For instance: "That's fuckin' ace."  I had been working on this one for a few years (2-3, I think), and then I recently discovered that Jake and Amir were making it happen too, but kind of ironically:

Ace from Jake Hurwitz on Vimeo.

Well, I'm not going to claim I was the first person to use the word that way, but I was tole doing it before Jake and Amir.  I am, however, glad, that they started it up as well, because it's a damn good slang word.

2. "Hangin' preps, no regrets"

This is one of the ones I'm working hardest on (hangin' preps, no regrets) right now.  You say it after you just left a preposition hanging and you don't even give an eff 'cuz you know how ace you are.

1. "Meatbone"

This one is almost certainly the best, and has a great chance of catching on.  It was developed collaboratively with several people after I noticed the demand for such a term.  (I believe Tobin Mitnick gets the actual credit for suggestion this specific word.)  The term "meatbone" refers to when a conceit of fiction occurs in real life.  Most of the more obvious examples are visual, cartoony ones: for instance, someone slips on a banana peel, or someone holds up an entire intact fish skeleton, or a cat watches a fish in a fishbowl with its eyes moving back and forth, or someone chows down on a big hunk of nondescript meat attached to a bone that serves as a handle (from whence the name is derived).  But it also applies to when aspects of life follow certain stereotypical fictional routes: if your wife was actually having sex with the pool boy, for example, that would be an excellent meatbone (though not too excellent for you, you cuckold).  A list of the top meatbones is forthcoming.