Top 20 Sentences Like "I Love You"

Guess what, dear PaRMLoT readers? WE LOVE YOU! Are we saying this just because we're filled with the joy and fervor of the Great New American Possibility? Well, yeah, that too! But also, we just plain friggin' loves ya. 

That brings me to a funny little thing. According to Google Analytics, someone searched the phrase "top 20 sentences like i love you" to get to this site. Well, sir or madam, you have not searched in vain!

20. I have a heart-boner for you.

19. I think you’re super-great in a let’s-have-sex-and-grow-old-together kind of way.

18. I am a battle-tank of affection for you.

17. “As you wish.”

16. I think we’ve really got something here, love-wise.

15. You have a tendency to put me into a very loving mental state. No worries, though—probably just chemicals.

14. You’re basically my whole deal.

13. “I’ve got two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a 1965 Colt .45 with a busted safety catch.”

12. I want to buy you a dress and a house and put you in them, one after the other. And then take the dress off? (And then take the house off?)

11. You are my new Barack Obama.

10. I am less than three of you. (Thanks, Rob!)

9. Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) I love. (I love who?) YOU, OBVIOUSLY.

8. (Robot voice) Love… does not compute… but if it did… I would have it… for you. Terminating... (Then, the robot explodes, because it has attempted to understand love.)

7. (Throw a ball at someone.) Them: What was that for? You: It was for me loving you.

6. (Slap someone in the face with a leather glove.) Them: Dude, what the fuck? You: My love for you—that’s what the fuck.

5. (Drop love bombs on someone’s country.) Them: AAAAAAAAAGH AIR RAID! You, shouted from a plane: MORE LIKE, LOVE RAID, LOVER!!!

4. (The next couple are sort of like math problems, because they involve substituting one variable for another!) If God is love, then I God you.

3. Consequently, if Clapton is God, then I Clapton you.

2. If you think Clapton is gay, then I gay you.

1. Finally, if you’re the kind of person who says that love is gay… I love you. DEAL WITH IT. 

Top 31 Deleted Chapters from Nietzsche's "Ecce Homo"

Oh man. Have you nerds read Ecce Homo? It is ridiculous. It's basically a look back at Nietzsche's career as a philosopher/baller-extraordinaire and it boasts the greatest chapter titles of any book ever. Here's a taste: "Why I Am So Clever"... "Why I Write Such Good Books"... and my personal favorite, "Why I Am a Destiny".

Anyway, that got me thinkin'...

31. Why I Am Basically the Coolest

30. Why I Rock Harder Than You Can Even Dream

29. Why I Can Type Faster Than You

28. Why I Have Superpowers

27. Why I Have Razor-Sharp Claws

26. Why I Have a Four-Octave Vocal Range

25. Why I Jump Higher and Farther Than Most People

24. Why My Heart Is Made of Metal and My Brain Is Made of Heart

23. Why Batman Is Actually a Documentary About My Life

22. Why I Am In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes

21. Why I Am Totally Free to Just Take All Your Money

20. Why I Came Up With the Idea for Legends of the Hidden Temple--(Happy Birthday, Kirk Fogg!)

19. Why I Can Go All Night Long

18. Why I Can Shoot Bullets Out of My Hands

17. Why If You Prick Me, I Actually Don't Bleed

16. Why I Can Play Like, Seven Different Instruments

15. Why I Am Quite Good Friends With Several Television Stars

14. Why My Other Car Is Your Car

13. Why I Have Yet To Be Prosecuted For Stealing Your Car

12. Why I Am the All-Time "All-Time Quarterback"

11. Why I Can See the Future and Change the Past

10. Why I Can Talk to Animals

9. Why I Can Listen to Plants

8. Why I Am Such a Baller

7. Why I Declined a Lucrative Contract from So So Def Records (and thus did not appear in the Philosopherz Rap)

6. Why I Invented the Phrase "Hanging Out"

5. Why I Am Frequently Mistaken for a God

4. Why I Am Not Exactly God, but Am Still Totally Just as Good as He Is

3. Why God and I Are BFFs

2. Why God Gave Me an Enormous Penis

1. Why God Sometimes Calls Me For No Reason, Just to Talk