The First 10 Things I Tweeted on Twitter

So, I have a job as of late, which keeps me quite busy. So busy, in fact, that I have taken up "microblogging," where I "tweet" "posts" 140 "characters" "at" "a" "time." That's right, I'm using twitter. Follow me! www.twitter.com/getcialis4free.

As you can maybe guess from that name, my original idea was to have a Twitter account that was a fake spambot and make all of my "tweets" in some way about Viagra or meeting horny singles in your area or making money from home by posting links on Google. So before I quit that, here were my first few tweets:

1. hey there just thought i would let people know about some really great deals on name brand prescription drugs #iranelection

2. wasn't trying to spam there just letting those rebels know that i support their politics with rock bottom deals on viagra act now

3. michael jackson's heart stopped the way your heart will stop when you see how low our prices on levitra are #ripmichaeljackson

4. @aaroncarter7 love your work just letting you know you could be longer and stronger act now save $$$$ please her tonight

5. this shall be a twitter of news and politics and savings we pass on to you

6. just got back from going out and let me say our savings have just "gotten back" from being really good and now are really really good

7. @Viagra2Shop you are my arch-nemesis. my lex luthor. my waterloo. but god damn it if i don't love ya for it

8. proposed bill on climate changed passed the house but still no news on my proposed PILL on CLIMAX change act fast (you always do)

9. i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to keep up this shitty premise for a twitter

10. if you who want to know what employed adult life is like it's like this: i just watched 20 minutes of how i met your mother bloopers

And so the experiment ended. But the experiment in LIFE and hashtags and character limits continues at www.twitter.com/getcialis4free

Top 1 Twitter Versions of Hamlet

Hello ladies. Sooo... I'm in a production of Hamlet this weekend, playing the character named "Hamlet". You could even come, if you wanted... it's Friday (8pm), Saturday (8pm), and Sunday (3pm), up at Columbia, in the Schapiro Hall Studio Space. (Email these folks to reserve the FREE tickets: invisible.theatre@gmail.com)

Anyway, I was working on a list titled "Top 14 References to Hamlet in Pop Culture" and I stumbled upon this, a retelling of Hamlet via Facebook news feed events. Pretty brilliant. But that was 2008. This is 2009. We are of the Twitterverse, not the Facebook-o-sphere. (What?) In any event, I updated the bard's classic text for even more modern audiences.

...with equally weighted apologies to William Shakespeare and Sarah Schmelling:

1. The Twitter Hamlet

RIP Old Hamlet (aka Dad)... looks like i'm gonna be back at elsinore sooner than I thought

7:30 PM Oct 2nd, from txt

Um... @queen_g, @claudius_rex Srsly? wtf...

2:35 PM Oct 4th, from txt

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHDSGSDFGFGDSFGSDFGSFFFF

2:56 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@flower_gurl Did u not get my letters?

3:45 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Have fun in France, doucher! PS Did ur sis not get my letters?

3:49 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Say what?

4:15 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

@danes_best_friend Yo, meet me tonite upon the platform where you watch

4:22 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

You guys, major shit went down. I'm all of a sudden feelin kinda revengey! (Is that a word... lol)

1:03 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Be cool, k?

2:19 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex @queen_g @flower_gurl AAAAAH I SO CRAZY LOLOLOLOL

5:52 AM Oct 5th, from txt

SOTD: "Suicide is Painless" - that song from MASH... actually, I dunno though, u guys...

3:12 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl You might wanna check this out: http://is.gd/nunnery, Spoiler alert... you'd look great in a habit

4:31 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to flower_gurl

HEY @just_polonius FISHMONGER!

6:24 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Why r u here?

7:01 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Srsly why r u here?

7:02 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn I DON'T BELIEVE YOOOOOOOOOU

7:04 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn LOL u rly wanna know? I'm just so f*ckin tired of all of this...

7:07 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

AAAAAH u guys I have been a f*ckin chump lately... no worries, I got a sweet idea that'll change everything. I'ma make you proud dad!!!

7:26 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex, @queen_g, @just_polonius Busy tomorrow nite? The players are in town! SO EXCITED!!!

11:22 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl Girl, if u want me to calm down, u know what to do... lol

7:34 PM Oct 6th, from txt

OH MAN I LOVE WHEN I AM RIGHT!!!!!!!!!! 

8:11 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@queen_g WTF DO YOU WANT WOMAN

9:42 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Yo my bad...

11:09 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sister_keeper Nvm you'll see. PS Btw no worries about your sis and those letters.

1:32 AM Oct 7th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@king_of_england Yo I need you to do a few dudes for me

4:22 PM Oct 9th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Attacked by pirates! Never even made it to England... home soon, shit is CRAZE

4:46 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@claudius_rex Hey hey hey look who you were totally not expecting to come back to your castle... see ya in a few

4:48 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@flower_gurl I know this is a lil late but... <3

5:21 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper THIS SHIT IS ON

8:35 PM Oct 13th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

I know I'm not the first one to say it or nothin, but u guys... we're ALL gonna die someday

10:05 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@queen_g LATER MOMS (i forgive you kinda...)

11:24 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@claudius_rex Peace f*cker!

11:25 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Srsly? F*ck...

11:26 AM Oct 14th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Yo tell my story, aight? The rest is silence... lol

11:28 AM Oct 14th, from txt

Top 20 Shaq Twitter Posts

If you are not currently subscribed to Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter account, you best do so right the frig now. This is art. This is poetry. This is bang bang rock and roll. Also, it's all actually the work of the Real Superman himself, Shaq.

20. Shaq on happiness, tautologies:

The best way to secure happiness is 2 b az happy as u can everyday Shaquille oneal 7:26 PM Dec 8th from txt

19. Shaq on disaster relief:

Just landed in new orleans, how come it still looks like nothin has been done, whos in charge 3:56 PM Dec 2ndfrom txt

18. Shaq on leadership, care of the Greeks:

He who has never learned to obey, cannot b a good commander The big aristotle 9:53 PM Dec 1st from txt

17. Shaq on Plaxico "Plexico" Burress:

Is plexico in trouble, mayor bloomberg sounded mad 1:05 PM Dec 1st from txt

16. Shaq on ANOVAs?:

Im fellin good anova shaq quote Seekin input from strangers, may help u make better decisions 10:41 PM Nov 29th from txt

15. Shaq on measured charity:

Startn 2morro if u c a homeless person, feedem, only if u can 10:28 PM Nov 29th from txt

14. Shaq on what the hell, Shaq--are you trying to say that when songs get stuck in your head, it's because a ghost is singing them to you?:

How come i have the mr rogers neighborhhood theme song stuk n my head, iz he still alive 8:05 AM Nov 29thfrom txt

13. Shaq on Rob's hometown:

Why do they call minneapolis, the twin cities, nobody here looks a like, waaa waaa waaaaaa 1:54 PM Nov 26thfrom txt

12. Shaq on Politics, Pt. 1:

Does anyone have the names of the 14 people bush gave pardons 10:35 PM Nov 24th from txt

11. Shaq on fake medical conditions, vampires:

Cant sleep i think i maay have mental imsomnia, plus im watchn the lost boys 10:59 PM Nov 23rd from txt

10. Shaq on his roots, vampires again:

Watchn true blood, thats were i was born and raised, dat vampire town, shaqula has been discovered aaaaggggh 8:41 PM Nov 23rd from txt

9. Shaq on his astronomical background, Greg Oden:

Last nite i told greg oden , "we r not the same, i am a martian" 1:09 PM Nov 23rd from txt

8. Shaq on minimalism:

Man 11:55 PM Nov 21st from txt

7. Shaq on his sleeping habits, vampires once more:

@phoenixsunsgirl i'm a vampire i neva sleep shaqula 11:46 PM Nov 21st from txt in reply to PhoenixSunsGirl

6. Shaq on Politics, Pt. 2:

Did mrs clinton really take da job 11:44 PM Nov 21st from txt

5. Shaq on his son, and things that no one doubts:

I'm watchn my 8 yr old son play, i'm jealous hes a better free throw shoota 7:21 PM Nov 21st from txt

4. Shaq on strange ways to express fatigue:

Just helped a man push his car, schwww im tired 5:42 PM Nov 21st from txt

3. Shaq on trends, Steve Nash:

Sittin next to steve nash, tryna get hi to join twitter 6:58 PM Nov 20th from txt

2. Shaq on manly expressions of affection:

Just saw the the great phil jackson, gave him a kiss on da cheek 6:58 PM Nov 20th from txt

1. Shaq on himself:

Good morning everyone. Let me give you all a hint on how to relate to me, Shaquille O'neal I have a sense of humor I am very quotatious ...... 9:47 AM Nov 18th from txt