Sunday, December 21, 2008

Top 13 Artists To Win an Academy Award, a Tony, an Emmy, and a Grammy--And Whether or Not I Could Take Them In a Fight

13. Jonathan Tunick (1938- )

Jonathan Tunick received his fourth distinct award in 1997:

Academy Award - 1977 : Best Music, Original Song Score and Its Adaptation or Best Adaptation Score - A Little Night Music, Emmy Award - 1982 : Outstanding Achievement in Music Direction - Night of 100 Stars, Grammy Award - 1988 : Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocals - "No One Is Alone", Cleo Laine, Tony Award - 1997 : Best Orchestrations - Titanic

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Yes. Like, so easily. Right, left, right... done.

12. Helen Hayes (1900-1993)

Helen Hayes received her fourth distinct award in 1976:

Academy Award - 1932 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - The Sin of Madelon Claudet, Emmy Award - 1953 : Best Actress - Not A Chance (Schlitz Playhouse), Grammy Award - 1976 : Best Spoken Word Recording - Great American Documents, Tony Award - 1947 : Best Actress, Dramatic - Happy Birthday

COULD I TAKE HER?: I feel like I shouldn't? I mean, she won an award for something called "Happy Birthday"--punching her would be like punching the Easter Bunny. Sure, you'd get some free candy, but you'd hate yourself for it afterwards.

11. Andrew Lloyd Webber (1948- )

Academy Award - 1996 : Best Music, Original Song - "You Must Love Me" from Evita, International Emmy Award - 2001 : Performing Arts - Jesus Christ Superstar, Grammy Award - 1980 : Best Cast Show Album - Evita, Tony Award - 1980 : Best Original Score - Evita

COULD I TAKE HIM?: With absolute pleasure. I'd sell tickets and Tim Rice would be sitting front row.

10. Marvin Hamlisch (1944- )

Marvin Hamlisch received his fourth distinct award in 1995:

Academy Award - 1973: Best Music, Original Dramatic Score - The Way We Were, Emmy Award - 1995 : Outstanding Individual Achievement in Music Direction - Barbra Streisand: The Concert, Grammy Award - 1974: Song Of The Year - The Way We Were, Tony Award - 1976 : Best Musical Score - A Chorus Line

COULD I TAKE HIM?: I feel like Marv has a pretty decent reach on him. That said, I feel like he only wins with Babs on his side. One on one, this is a pretty intense brawl, but I still come out on top.

9. John Gielgud (1904-2000)

John Gielgud received his fourth distinct award in 1991:

Academy Award - 1981 : Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Arthur, Emmy Award - 1991 : Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Special - Summer's Lease, Grammy Award - 1979 : Best Spoken Word Documentary or Drama - Ages of Man, Tony Award - 1961 : Best Director of a Drama - Big Fish, Little Fish

COULD I TAKE HIM?: I would respectfully decline, treat him to tea, and then bash him in the face with the kettle. Eat it, Brits!

8. Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)

Audrey Hepburn received her fourth distinct award in 1994:

Academy Award - 1953 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Roman Holiday, Emmy Award - 1993 : Outstanding Individual Achievement, Informational Programming - Gardens of the World with Audrey Hepburn, Grammy Award - 1994 : Best Spoken Word Album for Children - Audrey Hepburn's Enchanted Tales, Tony Award - 1954 : Best Actress in a Drama - Ondine

COULD I TAKE HER?: To dinner, yes. In a fight... oh jeez, that would be breaking, like, thirty rules. Still though, I bet A-Hep's a scrapper (nails, heels, skinny cigarettes, etc.). One arm tied behind my back would make it a fair fight--which I would win.

7. Rita Moreno (1931- )

Rita Moreno received her fourth distinct award in 1977:

Academy Award - 1961 : Best Actress in a Supporting Role - West Side Story, Emmy Award - 1977 : Outstanding Continuing or Single Performance by a Supporting Actress in Variety or Music - The Muppet Show, Grammy Award - 1972 : Best Recording For Children - The Electric Company, Tony Award - 1975 : Best Featured or Supporting Actress in a Play - The Ritz

COULD I TAKE HER?: I actually don't think so. "A boy like that will kill your brother!" Except more like, a girl like this will kill your face.

6. Whoopi Goldberg (1955- )

Academy Award - 1990 : Best Supporting Actress, Ghost, Daytime Emmy Award - 2002 : Outstanding Special Class Special - Beyond Tara: The Extraordinary Life of Hattie McDaniel (Host), Grammy Award - 1985 : Best Comedy Recording - Whoopi Goldberg--Original Broadway Show Recording, Tony Award - 2002 : Best Musical - Thoroughly Modern Millie (Co-Producer)

COULD I TAKE HER?: One shot and down. It's Hollywood's least-kept secret--Whoopi has a glass jaw.

5. Liza Minnelli (1946- )

Academy Award - 1972 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Cabaret, Emmy Award - 1973 : Outstanding Single Program - Variety and Popular Music - Singer Presents Liza with a 'Z', Grammy Award - 1990 : Special Grammy Award, Grammy Legend Awards.Tony Award - 1965 : Best Actress (Musical) - Flora the Red Menace

COULD I TAKE HER?: Um, obviously not. We all know about the David Gest spousal abuse charges. This is one train I don't want to step in front of.

4. Mel Brooks (1926- )

Mel Brooks received his fourth distinct award in June, 2001:

Academy Award - 1968 : Best Writing, Story and Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen - The Producers, Emmy Award - 1997 : Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series - Mad About You, Grammy Award - 1998 : Best Spoken Comedy Album - The 2000 Year Old Man In The Year 2000, Tony Award - 2001 : Best Book of a Musical - The Producers

COULD I TAKE HIM?: In actuality, yes. But I'm sure he’d sling some wicked barbs at me as he popped both hips back into place.

3. Mike Nichols (1931- )

Mike Nichols received his fourth distinct award in November, 2001:

Academy Award - 1967 : Best Director - The Graduate, Emmy Award - 2001 : Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Special - Wit, Grammy Award - 1961 : Best Comedy Performance - An Evening With Mike Nichols And Elaine May, Tony Award - 1964 : Best Director, Dramatic - Barefoot in the Park

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Mike Nichols has been asking for it for years. Therefore, I will give it to him. Anytime, anyplace, I will knock Mike Nichols on his ass. He can name the location, he can pick the weapons--I guarantee that I will F his S up. I will straight-up lay him down on the ground and make him wish he never even met Elaine May. Mike Nichols is a fucking dead man, end of story.

2. Barbra Streisand (1942- )

Academy Award - 1968 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Funny Girl, Emmy Award - 1965 : Outstanding Individual Achievements in Entertainment - Actors and Performers - My Name is Barbra, Grammy Award - 1963 : Best Vocal Performance, Female - The Barbra Streisand Album, Tony Award - 1970 : Special Tony Award

COULD I TAKE HER?: Dear Lord, no.

1. Richard Rodgers (1902-1979)

Richard Rodgers received his fourth distinct award in 1962:

Academy Award - 1945 : Best Song - "It Might As Well Be Spring" from State Fair, Emmy Award - 1962 : Outstanding Achievement in Original Music Composed - Winston Churchill-The Valiant Years, Grammy Award - 1960 : Best Show Album (Original Cast) - The Sound of Music, Tony Award - 1950 : Best Musical - South Pacific

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Come on... I could never raise arms against a fellow Columbian. This is a draw, through and through. (Although Hammerstein better watch the frig out.)

3 comments:

El Gigante said...

If Mike Nichols dies in the next month or so you will feel pretty bad...more so then the rest of us.

Caitlin said...

Peter. I adore you. You take a potentially super-gay post, but manage to bro it up by introducing the element of a fight. You're just great.

mwah,
Caittles

Caitlin said...

Oh, also: good insight to realize that babs could take you down, along with anyone else that gets in her way.

And as she did it, she would let out a resounding "mmmmmGOOODBYYYEEE!"