Sunday, December 21, 2008

Top 13 Artists To Win an Academy Award, a Tony, an Emmy, and a Grammy--And Whether or Not I Could Take Them In a Fight

13. Jonathan Tunick (1938- )

Jonathan Tunick received his fourth distinct award in 1997:

Academy Award - 1977 : Best Music, Original Song Score and Its Adaptation or Best Adaptation Score - A Little Night Music, Emmy Award - 1982 : Outstanding Achievement in Music Direction - Night of 100 Stars, Grammy Award - 1988 : Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocals - "No One Is Alone", Cleo Laine, Tony Award - 1997 : Best Orchestrations - Titanic

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Yes. Like, so easily. Right, left, right... done.

12. Helen Hayes (1900-1993)

Helen Hayes received her fourth distinct award in 1976:

Academy Award - 1932 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - The Sin of Madelon Claudet, Emmy Award - 1953 : Best Actress - Not A Chance (Schlitz Playhouse), Grammy Award - 1976 : Best Spoken Word Recording - Great American Documents, Tony Award - 1947 : Best Actress, Dramatic - Happy Birthday

COULD I TAKE HER?: I feel like I shouldn't? I mean, she won an award for something called "Happy Birthday"--punching her would be like punching the Easter Bunny. Sure, you'd get some free candy, but you'd hate yourself for it afterwards.

11. Andrew Lloyd Webber (1948- )

Academy Award - 1996 : Best Music, Original Song - "You Must Love Me" from Evita, International Emmy Award - 2001 : Performing Arts - Jesus Christ Superstar, Grammy Award - 1980 : Best Cast Show Album - Evita, Tony Award - 1980 : Best Original Score - Evita

COULD I TAKE HIM?: With absolute pleasure. I'd sell tickets and Tim Rice would be sitting front row.

10. Marvin Hamlisch (1944- )

Marvin Hamlisch received his fourth distinct award in 1995:

Academy Award - 1973: Best Music, Original Dramatic Score - The Way We Were, Emmy Award - 1995 : Outstanding Individual Achievement in Music Direction - Barbra Streisand: The Concert, Grammy Award - 1974: Song Of The Year - The Way We Were, Tony Award - 1976 : Best Musical Score - A Chorus Line

COULD I TAKE HIM?: I feel like Marv has a pretty decent reach on him. That said, I feel like he only wins with Babs on his side. One on one, this is a pretty intense brawl, but I still come out on top.

9. John Gielgud (1904-2000)

John Gielgud received his fourth distinct award in 1991:

Academy Award - 1981 : Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Arthur, Emmy Award - 1991 : Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Special - Summer's Lease, Grammy Award - 1979 : Best Spoken Word Documentary or Drama - Ages of Man, Tony Award - 1961 : Best Director of a Drama - Big Fish, Little Fish

COULD I TAKE HIM?: I would respectfully decline, treat him to tea, and then bash him in the face with the kettle. Eat it, Brits!

8. Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)

Audrey Hepburn received her fourth distinct award in 1994:

Academy Award - 1953 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Roman Holiday, Emmy Award - 1993 : Outstanding Individual Achievement, Informational Programming - Gardens of the World with Audrey Hepburn, Grammy Award - 1994 : Best Spoken Word Album for Children - Audrey Hepburn's Enchanted Tales, Tony Award - 1954 : Best Actress in a Drama - Ondine

COULD I TAKE HER?: To dinner, yes. In a fight... oh jeez, that would be breaking, like, thirty rules. Still though, I bet A-Hep's a scrapper (nails, heels, skinny cigarettes, etc.). One arm tied behind my back would make it a fair fight--which I would win.

7. Rita Moreno (1931- )

Rita Moreno received her fourth distinct award in 1977:

Academy Award - 1961 : Best Actress in a Supporting Role - West Side Story, Emmy Award - 1977 : Outstanding Continuing or Single Performance by a Supporting Actress in Variety or Music - The Muppet Show, Grammy Award - 1972 : Best Recording For Children - The Electric Company, Tony Award - 1975 : Best Featured or Supporting Actress in a Play - The Ritz

COULD I TAKE HER?: I actually don't think so. "A boy like that will kill your brother!" Except more like, a girl like this will kill your face.

6. Whoopi Goldberg (1955- )

Academy Award - 1990 : Best Supporting Actress, Ghost, Daytime Emmy Award - 2002 : Outstanding Special Class Special - Beyond Tara: The Extraordinary Life of Hattie McDaniel (Host), Grammy Award - 1985 : Best Comedy Recording - Whoopi Goldberg--Original Broadway Show Recording, Tony Award - 2002 : Best Musical - Thoroughly Modern Millie (Co-Producer)

COULD I TAKE HER?: One shot and down. It's Hollywood's least-kept secret--Whoopi has a glass jaw.

5. Liza Minnelli (1946- )

Academy Award - 1972 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Cabaret, Emmy Award - 1973 : Outstanding Single Program - Variety and Popular Music - Singer Presents Liza with a 'Z', Grammy Award - 1990 : Special Grammy Award, Grammy Legend Awards.Tony Award - 1965 : Best Actress (Musical) - Flora the Red Menace

COULD I TAKE HER?: Um, obviously not. We all know about the David Gest spousal abuse charges. This is one train I don't want to step in front of.

4. Mel Brooks (1926- )

Mel Brooks received his fourth distinct award in June, 2001:

Academy Award - 1968 : Best Writing, Story and Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen - The Producers, Emmy Award - 1997 : Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series - Mad About You, Grammy Award - 1998 : Best Spoken Comedy Album - The 2000 Year Old Man In The Year 2000, Tony Award - 2001 : Best Book of a Musical - The Producers

COULD I TAKE HIM?: In actuality, yes. But I'm sure he’d sling some wicked barbs at me as he popped both hips back into place.

3. Mike Nichols (1931- )

Mike Nichols received his fourth distinct award in November, 2001:

Academy Award - 1967 : Best Director - The Graduate, Emmy Award - 2001 : Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Special - Wit, Grammy Award - 1961 : Best Comedy Performance - An Evening With Mike Nichols And Elaine May, Tony Award - 1964 : Best Director, Dramatic - Barefoot in the Park

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Mike Nichols has been asking for it for years. Therefore, I will give it to him. Anytime, anyplace, I will knock Mike Nichols on his ass. He can name the location, he can pick the weapons--I guarantee that I will F his S up. I will straight-up lay him down on the ground and make him wish he never even met Elaine May. Mike Nichols is a fucking dead man, end of story.

2. Barbra Streisand (1942- )

Academy Award - 1968 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Funny Girl, Emmy Award - 1965 : Outstanding Individual Achievements in Entertainment - Actors and Performers - My Name is Barbra, Grammy Award - 1963 : Best Vocal Performance, Female - The Barbra Streisand Album, Tony Award - 1970 : Special Tony Award

COULD I TAKE HER?: Dear Lord, no.

1. Richard Rodgers (1902-1979)

Richard Rodgers received his fourth distinct award in 1962:

Academy Award - 1945 : Best Song - "It Might As Well Be Spring" from State Fair, Emmy Award - 1962 : Outstanding Achievement in Original Music Composed - Winston Churchill-The Valiant Years, Grammy Award - 1960 : Best Show Album (Original Cast) - The Sound of Music, Tony Award - 1950 : Best Musical - South Pacific

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Come on... I could never raise arms against a fellow Columbian. This is a draw, through and through. (Although Hammerstein better watch the frig out.)


El Gigante said...

If Mike Nichols dies in the next month or so you will feel pretty bad...more so then the rest of us.

Caitlin said...

Peter. I adore you. You take a potentially super-gay post, but manage to bro it up by introducing the element of a fight. You're just great.


Caitlin said...

Oh, also: good insight to realize that babs could take you down, along with anyone else that gets in her way.

And as she did it, she would let out a resounding "mmmmmGOOODBYYYEEE!"