Top 11 Suggestions of Things to Do with Iran

First off, I would like to talk about two very, very sad and important deaths today. The deaths of TWO MORE IRANIANS WHOSE NAMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW OH MY GOD YOUR MIND IS BLOWN AND LIFE RECONTEXTUALIZED. Actually though at least two probably did die in Iran if not in protests at least of old age so there.

In any case, and in all seriousness, we have all now seen that Obama is far too weak in his rhetoric and action to support fledgling democracy abroad. What more could he do, you ask? Well, let me tell you. He could do any of these things:

11. Nuke the fuck out of them

10. Fly planes over them blasting at 1000 decibels the sounds of loud gay orgies

9. Sell weapons to Iraq and tell them to fight Iran

8. Send a bunch of shirtless guys with their bodies painted American colors to yell "AMERICA!!!!!!" really loud until Ahmadinejad's eardrums bleed really bad and he thinks he has an ear infection

7. Declare support for the Ayatollah Khomeni (get Britain to do this also, and his head will explode)

6. Invade Iran for oil

5. Fight communists

4. Depose their leader and instate some outdated monarchial figure whom absolutely no one likes (credit to Ernest Hererra for this excellent idea)

3. Elect Ahmadinejad as President of America so he has to resign from Presidency in Iran (it's a rule that you can be president of two places at the same time)

2. Send Farrah Fawcett over there...OHSHIT I guess we will have to just send an actual faucet instead

1. Invade Iran on the side of Moussavi, then declare "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" after 2 weeks of combat

Top 7 Ways That We Should Have "Punk'd" Ahmadinejad

Okay, so here is something I'm into, because I'm lazy: finding things that I wrote a long time ago and never did anything with, and then putting them on here.  (Either that or just anthologizing things I already wrote and DID do something with.  Yeah, I'm lazy.  Too lazy, even, to look up another word for "lazy" so this doesn't seem so...lazy.  Peter is going to write awesome paeans to the philosophy of sport and I'm going to repost old dick jokes.  DEAL WITH IT.)  Anyway, remember that whole thing where Ahmadinejad came to campus?  Yeah.  Around that time, I wrote this:

So Iranian president Amen-jihad or whatever is coming to Columbia tomorrow, and a lot of people are apparently going to protest.  Their ideas of protest are really lame though and not as cool as ways that I have thought of to "punk" him:

7. We trick him into going onto a stage where instead of him giving a speech it is a woman giving birth onstage.

6. When he’s looking the other way we fly two planes into him and also into the Pentagon.

5. When he starts to speak somebody coughs really loudly so we can’t hear what he’s saying and he will be confused because why would we come to hear him speak if we can’t actually hear him but we didn’t even want to hear him anyway.  Then he gets black lung.

4. We start chanting “WE HATE YOU, WE HATE YOU,” but the real joke is when he realizes that it’s not at him but at the dwarf we hid in his pants.

3. He looks down at his notes and when he looks up everyone has transformed into flock of doves (symbolizing peace).

2. We wipe Israel off the map so he learns to be careful what he wishes for.  Then he wishes for other things because he thinks wishes come true now but they don’t.

1. We pretend we don’t recognize him until he pulls out his credit card and then, surprise!!!  It had been an American Express commercial all along.