The First 10 Things I Tweeted on Twitter

So, I have a job as of late, which keeps me quite busy. So busy, in fact, that I have taken up "microblogging," where I "tweet" "posts" 140 "characters" "at" "a" "time." That's right, I'm using twitter. Follow me! www.twitter.com/getcialis4free.

As you can maybe guess from that name, my original idea was to have a Twitter account that was a fake spambot and make all of my "tweets" in some way about Viagra or meeting horny singles in your area or making money from home by posting links on Google. So before I quit that, here were my first few tweets:

1. hey there just thought i would let people know about some really great deals on name brand prescription drugs #iranelection

2. wasn't trying to spam there just letting those rebels know that i support their politics with rock bottom deals on viagra act now

3. michael jackson's heart stopped the way your heart will stop when you see how low our prices on levitra are #ripmichaeljackson

4. @aaroncarter7 love your work just letting you know you could be longer and stronger act now save $$$$ please her tonight

5. this shall be a twitter of news and politics and savings we pass on to you

6. just got back from going out and let me say our savings have just "gotten back" from being really good and now are really really good

7. @Viagra2Shop you are my arch-nemesis. my lex luthor. my waterloo. but god damn it if i don't love ya for it

8. proposed bill on climate changed passed the house but still no news on my proposed PILL on CLIMAX change act fast (you always do)

9. i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to keep up this shitty premise for a twitter

10. if you who want to know what employed adult life is like it's like this: i just watched 20 minutes of how i met your mother bloopers

And so the experiment ended. But the experiment in LIFE and hashtags and character limits continues at www.twitter.com/getcialis4free

Top 7 Ways That We Should Have "Punk'd" Ahmadinejad

Okay, so here is something I'm into, because I'm lazy: finding things that I wrote a long time ago and never did anything with, and then putting them on here.  (Either that or just anthologizing things I already wrote and DID do something with.  Yeah, I'm lazy.  Too lazy, even, to look up another word for "lazy" so this doesn't seem so...lazy.  Peter is going to write awesome paeans to the philosophy of sport and I'm going to repost old dick jokes.  DEAL WITH IT.)  Anyway, remember that whole thing where Ahmadinejad came to campus?  Yeah.  Around that time, I wrote this:

So Iranian president Amen-jihad or whatever is coming to Columbia tomorrow, and a lot of people are apparently going to protest.  Their ideas of protest are really lame though and not as cool as ways that I have thought of to "punk" him:

7. We trick him into going onto a stage where instead of him giving a speech it is a woman giving birth onstage.

6. When he’s looking the other way we fly two planes into him and also into the Pentagon.

5. When he starts to speak somebody coughs really loudly so we can’t hear what he’s saying and he will be confused because why would we come to hear him speak if we can’t actually hear him but we didn’t even want to hear him anyway.  Then he gets black lung.

4. We start chanting “WE HATE YOU, WE HATE YOU,” but the real joke is when he realizes that it’s not at him but at the dwarf we hid in his pants.

3. He looks down at his notes and when he looks up everyone has transformed into flock of doves (symbolizing peace).

2. We wipe Israel off the map so he learns to be careful what he wishes for.  Then he wishes for other things because he thinks wishes come true now but they don’t.

1. We pretend we don’t recognize him until he pulls out his credit card and then, surprise!!!  It had been an American Express commercial all along.