The First 10 Things I Tweeted on Twitter

So, I have a job as of late, which keeps me quite busy. So busy, in fact, that I have taken up "microblogging," where I "tweet" "posts" 140 "characters" "at" "a" "time." That's right, I'm using twitter. Follow me! www.twitter.com/getcialis4free.

As you can maybe guess from that name, my original idea was to have a Twitter account that was a fake spambot and make all of my "tweets" in some way about Viagra or meeting horny singles in your area or making money from home by posting links on Google. So before I quit that, here were my first few tweets:

1. hey there just thought i would let people know about some really great deals on name brand prescription drugs #iranelection

2. wasn't trying to spam there just letting those rebels know that i support their politics with rock bottom deals on viagra act now

3. michael jackson's heart stopped the way your heart will stop when you see how low our prices on levitra are #ripmichaeljackson

4. @aaroncarter7 love your work just letting you know you could be longer and stronger act now save $$$$ please her tonight

5. this shall be a twitter of news and politics and savings we pass on to you

6. just got back from going out and let me say our savings have just "gotten back" from being really good and now are really really good

7. @Viagra2Shop you are my arch-nemesis. my lex luthor. my waterloo. but god damn it if i don't love ya for it

8. proposed bill on climate changed passed the house but still no news on my proposed PILL on CLIMAX change act fast (you always do)

9. i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to keep up this shitty premise for a twitter

10. if you who want to know what employed adult life is like it's like this: i just watched 20 minutes of how i met your mother bloopers

And so the experiment ended. But the experiment in LIFE and hashtags and character limits continues at www.twitter.com/getcialis4free

Top 3 More Videos For You to Enjoy!

Thanks to the people who came to our first live show.  Now, even if you didn't go, enjoy three more short videos from The Works!  Also subscribe to our shit or whatever!

3. 555

2. Home-Mercials

1. Two Truths and a Lie

Top 3 Reasons to Come to the Calgary Whalers SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!!

Hey guys, I know that I said I would stop gumming this up with plugs but I was FILLED WITH LIES!!!!  Because I think you should really go to this show (8:30 at Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd St.), and here's why:

3. The following people are performing: Sam Grittner, Joe Cocozzello, Brandon Gulya, John Knefel, Julie Notwicz, Michael Grinspan

These people are all great!  I have seen half of them and they are great, and I have not seem half of them and they are great, too!!!

2. I will be doing 10 new minutes of stand-up

I was just looking through my shit and realized that I can actually do a completely new 10 minutes, and not just the new 6-7/10 that I usually try to do at these.  Actually, I think I will overlap 1 minute just because I'm incorporating something I did before into a larger bit.  But anyway, you already know I'm hilarious, so see ten more NEW!!! minutes of my hilarity!

1. IT IS THE WHALERS SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY, AND THEIR FATE IS IN YOUR HANDS

I love Justin Grace and Mike Pullan, and I love the show they've been hosting for the past several months.  They're getting the big room at Broadway Comedy Club this time, which will be a way sweeter venue than they usually get, but they've gotta FILL IT UP with YOUR BUTTS if they want to keep doing this (and they do and they should)!!!  SO GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND COME.  YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING FOR ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE AND I HATE YOU JUST KIDDING BUT SERIOUSLY COME.

Top 1 Video of Me Doing Stand-Up Available on the Internet

1. Rob Trump - Stand-Up Comedy at Caroline's

I admit that it bugs me a decent amount how much I flick the stupid little mic cord in this video--it was all dangly and annoying and it wouldn't get out of my way.  But other than that minor quibble--please enjoy!

(Note: I also recently made myself a Myspace Comedy page because it seems like the thing to do.  I didn't intentionally list myself as "Stand-Up / Sketch Comedy / Female" and I don't actually know how that ended up there.  Anyway, add me as a friend or whatever if you're the kind of mongoloid who uses MySpace.)

Top 5 Reasons to Call This Number: 212-757-4100 and Reserve a Ticket to See Me

Okay, I am guilty of over-using this blog to plug my own stand-up gigs, and I will be the first to admit it.  That said, tomorrow evening (1/26/09, 9:30 PM), I will be at Caroline's, which is not only one of the best comedy clubs in New York but one of the best in the country.  I'm not saying I did much special to get this--it's a new talent night, so it's not that hard to get on the roster--but it certainly will be the best place I've performed at, and I'd love for YOU to come.  (A secret: Nobody else can read those last six words but you.)  Here's why:

5. The other people on the roster are reliably good

I attended a Caroline's new talent night this summer, and I was very impressed by a handful of new comedians that had nothing to do with the act I was going to see.  It's a "New Talent Night," but the comics who perform aren't new performers--in short, the quality is waaaaaaay above what you'd get at an open mic.  Also, sometimes established comics drop in to try new material.

4. It's a really nice venue, and they make me a DVD

I don't know if you've ever been to Caroline's, but it's a really great place.  It's big and looks great inside and has a super-classy almost-argyle print on the wall behind the performers.  Here's a picture of Kristen Schaal performing there:

What's more, they make a very nice recording of the performers there that they can use as a video resume of their stand-up.  I don't currently have a good recording of myself doing stand-up, so this would be really great for me.

3. It's only $5 if you call this number (212-757-4100) and say that you're coming to see me

That's a pretty good deal for somewhere between 60 and 90 minutes of good stand-up in 6-minute chunks.  Oh okay, there's also a two-drink minimum.

2. It will be my best material

I'll only be on for 6 minutes, and likely if you've seen me do any stand-up before, at least some of it will overlap with what you've seen.  Come anyway if you enjoyed what you've seen, and at least a few of the bits will probably be ones you haven't.

If you haven't seen me before, my hilarity will BLOW YOUR MIND.

1. Because you love me

Part of how you get this gig is as a bringer event--I pledged that at least 15 people would come see me.  So, if you do it for no other reason, call to make sure I meet my quota.  I WILL NEVER ASK YOU OF ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

Top 3 Reasons to Come See Calgary Whalers Present the Deck Today (Monday, January 19)

Occasionally I do these when I am going to perform some stand-up!  Hooray, these posts are ubiquitous and annoying!  The time is 8:30 PM and the place is Broadway Comedy Club.

3. Justin and Mike will be hosting like USUAL

They will be great hosts like they always are and great people and stuff and also maybe they will talk about the fact that their MADE follow-up has now aired even though I haven't actually seen it but I heard that it did air.  COOL.

2. Sam Grittner, Andrew Ward, For Richard Stands, Mancrush, and Mickey and Sandy will be there

Grittner has been there before, and he's very funny.  I haven't seen any of the rest of these groups before, but I'm sure they'll be great!

1. I will be doing a fully new 10 minutes

Yes these lists always end with me being self-important and telling you to come see me!  This time it will be 10 completely new minutes that you have never heard before! NICE.  Also though some of it might be kinda crappy since I've never done it before.  But some of it will be hilarious and all the more so for being so brand spanking new.  NICE AGAIN.

Top 2 YouTube Sketches You Must Watch Right Now

Hey, guys.  Did you know that I was in a sketch comedy group called The Works?  Did you know that we're hilarious?  Did you know that two of our sketches are now available on YouTube?  Well, now you know.

2. Choice and Life

1. Cereal Box Prizes

If you enjoyed those--and how could you not?--subscribe to our YouTube channel.  We have two more sketches shot that should be edited and up on the site relatively soon, and we're going to try to meet a quota of a sketch a week over the next several months at least.  Enjoy!

Top 4 Reasons to See The Calgary Whalers Present: the Deck on Monday, November 24 (today!)

Alright, if you read this blog regularly, then you are probably sick as hell of me plugging my own stand-up gigs at Justin Grace and Mike Pullan's shows.  So I'll make this one (8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd Street) brief:

4. Sam Grittner, Shaina Rubin, Mike Grinspan, SMIRK, Taco Knight, and Alex Weinberg will be performing

Alright, some of these dudes I know (Shaina, Alex, Mike), and some I don't (um, the rest of them), but the ones I know are funny peeps, and I trust that the ones I don't know will be hilarious.  Sorry if I am giving these people short shrift, but I am lazy and want this to be a short list.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan (the titular Calgary Whalers) will be hosting

First, I gotta give mad props to a couple guys that have invited me to perform at their show for the first time without having seen my stand-up, and then inviting me back twice.  Thanks a lot, bros.  Second, these dudes are funny, have a great double-act dynamic onstage, and are MTV stars to boot.  They will tie everything together in addition to making you laugh, so come see their show.

2. Fruit Paunch will be performing

The members of Columbia's improv troupe--Fruit Paunch--are across the board pretty close friends of mine, and one of them may even be my girlfriend (that's probably just a rumor though).  So an accusation of bias would  be warranted, but I truly believe that they are one of the most consistent, funny, and intelligent improv groups I have ever seen, and definitely the best of all of those for any college improv group.  So if you like good improv, come for Paunch.  Bonus: Peter, though now graduated, is a former Fruit Paunch member.

1. I, Rob Trump, will be performing stand-up comedy

YES THIS IS HOW THESE END OKAY WITH LOTS OF SELF-IMPORTANCE.  First off, thanks for coming to see me one or two times if you've done it already.  My performance today will be about 5-6 out of 10 minutes of new material even if you've seen me both times, and though I'll overlap some stuff you may have seen, I'm not going to double overlap at all (that is, anything I've done twice at a Whalers show now is OFF-LIMITS).  That means that if you've only seen me at one of the last two shows, it will be about 8 minutes of new no matter which time you saw me.  If you haven't seen me at all yet, you're a bad friend.  Or not my friend.  You can fix either of those by coming.

Also, this will likely be the last time for a little bit that I perform at a Whalers show, because I'm too busy and write too slowly to produce 5-6 minutes of new material every two weeks, and I'd feel like a dick inviting people to see stuff they've mostly already seen.  If you miss me now, you won't be able to see me for...a WHILE.  And you WANT to.  Because I am FUNNY.

Top 6 Reasons To Go See The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck on Monday, November 10th (today!)

Okay, if you feel like you're having deja vu, well, yeah, I posted a similar self-promoting list two weeks ago, when I was performing at the same event.  And yeah, I'm turning this into an endless string of plugs for myself.  I am doing this because I am great and deserve all the plugs.  Here is why you should come see me (Rob Trump) and several other people/groups perform sketch/stand-up/improv--8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club (318 W 53rd Street), $5 cover and one-drink minimum:

6. The stand-up comic Aaron Haber and the improv group Secret Promise Circle will be performing

Alright, so I've got no clue who either of these people or groups are, but read that similar older list (God I am lazy) to see why unknown entities are great.  Last time, the performers I didn't know were excellent, and I have every reason to believe they will be so this time as well.

5. Michael Grinspan will be performing stand-up

Now, before Michael gets offended, since I put him as my #2 reason to see the show last time, let it be known that it does not reflect negatively on him--he was excellent, and I was very impressed by his stand-up set.  The reason he has moved down is that there are just exponentially more awesome things at this show than there were at the last show.  Anyway, Michael was very funny last time, and I am hoping for a return of the fantastic bit about "Never Have I Ever."

4. The sketch group Brando will be performing

So here's something cool--I've actually seen Brando perform before.  They were the first part of a two-part show with Kate McKinnon's hilarious one-woman show being the second part, and the one I went to see.  So, naturally, I was skeptical of anything else I had to sit through.  But Brando was great.  Really, consistently funny, smart, well-written, and not stupid "theater kid" sketch comedy.  I'm excited to see them again.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan ("The Calgary Whalers") will be hosting, and there will be MTV cameras there to record their every move

That's right, this evening will be taped by MTV, as a follow-up to an episode of Made that featured Grace and Pullan.  I'm hoping they don't actually use any footage of me, since I don't really want to be on the record saying some of the stuff I'm going to say.  But whatever, balls-out.  Anyway, you could be the background crowd in a follow-up episode of Made, hosted by two funny dudes!  Sounds awesome to me!

2. DC Pierson of Derrick Comedy will be performing stand-up

If you have the internet, you are probably aware of Derrick Comedy from highly-circulated videos like this one and this one.  But the best Derrick sketch is not either of those.  It is this one:

DC Pierson is the long-haired, nerdy-lookin' guy who usually plays the straight man in their videos, as he does in that one.  He's very funny, and the group in general has basically rejuvenated my faith that the internet can make stars out of people doing real comedy, not just people doing doing goofy non-sequitur "internet comedy."  Derrick is an inspiration to us all, and I'm really excited to see what Pierson's stand-up is like.

1. I will be performing stand-up

Who are you kidding?  Of course this was going to be #1.  If you saw my ten-minute set last time, and agreed with me that I was hilarious, then you will also find this funny, but not too repetitive.  I'll be doing about 60% material you've never seen if you've only seen me at that last show, so it's worth seeing me even if you did.  Included in that 6 minutes of previously unseen will be (mini-list):

1. the most offensive thing I've ever written, which I've held off over a year after writing before trying to perform it (read: possible train wreck, gotta be there)

2. a story about me doing illegal things (what illegal things?  BE THERE)

Top 6 Reasons to Go See The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck

So, on Monday, 8 PM, at the Broadway Comedy Club (318 W. 53rd St.), there will be a show in which I (Rob Trump) will be performing some stand-up comedy.  It is called The Calgary Whalers Present: The Deck, and it promises to be glorious.  Here are some reasons you should go:

6. Luke Thayer will be performing stand-up

Okay, I'll be completely honest, I have not actually met Luke Thayer, nor do I know anything about him.  But that is a WILD CARD and if you have ever played Uno then you know what wild cards do (hint: win).  Also, I Googled him and found this little profile of him and he looks fun and now I feel creepy.

5. Spare Change will be performing

What will they be performing????  I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!  I don't know if Spare Change is an improv group or a sketch group or a rock group or a painting group or a groupie group or a grouper.  It is also hard for me to Google them as "spare change" is actually a really common phrase (who knew?).  But in this case, consider them an even WILDER card, like Wild Draw Four or something, and you wish you were holding a lot of those cards like you wish you had a lot of Spare Change (onstage and in your pocket).

4. I heard two weeks ago was a damn good time

I'll come clean that I wasn't there two weeks ago (I might've been in the audience, but instead I was doing five minutes at an open mic that was totally LAMER than this could ever possibly be!), but all reports back from the event were a positive and rockin' good time.  I have no reason to believe that this week will be any less rockin' and may even be more rockin'????  IT IS UP TO YOU, THE VIEWER!!!  but not really but the people who it is actually up to will be on their top form.

3. Justin Grace and James Michael Pullan ("The Calgary Whalers") will be hosting

Okay, here are some people that I know or half of a group of people that I know or something.  They will probably be doing some combination of talking-at-ya and sketches, and I know from PERSONAL, PRIVATE experience, that Justin Grace is a funny fellow.  I do not actually know his good friend James Michael Pullan (and I cannot imagine that he goes by all three of those cumbersome names), but I can only assume that Justin would not consort with a man who was not also kneeslapper-inducing.  Plus I heard their stuff was good last time.

2. Michael Grinspan will be performing stand-up

You know Michael Grinspan from Chowdah, The Fed, the creation of "Fascbook: the Facebook Group for Fascist[s],"  and general campus visibility.  I know Michael Grinspan from a hole in the wall, but just barely, as he was behind the hole in the wall last time I stuck my penis in it as part of a formulaic joke (I don't know what that meant).  Michael Grinspan has on occasion made the rafters ring with laughter so that their ringing shattered glass and it was the glass that the rafters were made of in a house of glass where I was throwing stones and what the hell stop writing Rob.  Plus, I heard his stuff was good last time.

1. I will be performing stand-up

Are you kidding?  This is totally the reason you want to go most.  I am hilarious.  I will be hilarious for ten minutes.  STRAIGHT.

Top 4 Reasons to Audition for the Varsity Show Creative Team

This is the most narrow-in-scope list I've ever done, but F it!

4. To be an integrally creative part of the oldest performing arts group at Columbia

Former creative team members include Rogers, Hammerstein, and Hart, screenwriter I.A.L Diamond, Thoroughly Modern Millie composer Jeanine Tesori, and writers for the TV shows Cosby, Murphy Brown, Friends, and The West Wing.

3. To challenge yourself to create something of this magnitude

This will almost certainly be the single project you have worked the most on in your life, and the time and professionalism will show.

2. Because the field is wide-open and you have a great chance to make your mark

There will be very few (if any) returning creative team members this year, which means 2-3 new writers, a new director, new composer(s)/lyricist(s), a new art director, a new choreographer, and new producer(s)!

1. Because it's really fucking fun

Most fun you can have at Columbia, swear to God.

SHOW UP TONIGHT IN HAMILTON 8-11