Top 9 Videos From the Wisest Man On the Internets

A few days ago, Rob changed my life. He introduced me to "edarem". Edarem is the username of some sort of demon-wizard-sage-prophet living in a basement somewhere, sending out truths into the ether via his computer. Also, it should be noted that Michael Marlin was responsible for letting Rob know about this guy in the first place. (OBVIOUSLY.)

Prepare.

Prepare.

It is too late. Nothing can prepare you.

9. "You Always Hurt the One You Love"

I'm gonna level with you. I used to listen to this song a LOT as a kid. And by kid, I mean, where the hell is my Spike Jonze CD.

8. "Don't Throw Those Mini Blinds Away!"

This is your regular, run-of-the-mill cowboy-song-lip-synching, until he starts playing the old "How much plastic can I stick between my teeth?" game.

7. "NUCLEAR - How To Pronounce It"

Notably, this is the only video he made wearing that ridiculous wig.

6. "The Way Some People Talk..."

EDAREM, DID YOU MAKE UP THESE PEOPLE!?! IF SO, I DON'T CARE! I WANT YOU TO BE THE PASTOR AT MY WEDDING! AND THE MC AT THE AFTER-PARTY!

5. "Walker, Texas Ranger"

I bet he knitted that shirt.

4. "Backscratcher"

The twisted, bizarre, possibly nude side of edarem!

3. "English - A Very Difficult Language"

This man takes even the most tried-and-true, wakka-wakka observations and crafts them into poetry.

2. "Scrubs Theme Music"

Hehehe... he's so full of talent! It's not easy to get that second "I'm no Superman!" He's RIGHT, dammit!

1. "I Just Love 30 Rock"

This is the first one Rob showed me. It is purebred crystallized mad-genius, forged in the molten core of the sun, and slicked with the dew of the New Age's dawn. I watch this like, five times a day.

Top 12 Versions of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" that I Would Still Like to See on YouTube

The internet has given us much.  Mostly, it has given us a massive amount of versions of YouTube users dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)."  There's a little-girl version, a big-girl version, an anorexic-man-in-a-Speedo version, and even an entirely reworded world-traveling version.  But this craze is not exhausted yet.  There are still so many more directions that the internet could take it.

12. "Single Ladies (50-year-old male lawyers carrying briefcases version)"

This version has 50-year-old male lawyers carrying briefcases.  They hold the briefcases in their right hands, so when they flip their hands back and forth, amicus curae briefs fly everywhere.

11. "Single Ladies (upside-down naked hermaphrodite version)"

In this version, the performer is completely upside down, imitating using only arms the movements that Beyonce does with her legs, and with legs the movement that Beyonce does with her arms.  Also, he/she is a naked hermaphrodite.

10. "Ladies With Husbands (Shouldn't Have Put a Ring On It)"

In this one, the women are physically tied to their no-good husbands via chains.  They struggle to break them, but they cannot.   Their movements are impaired and their dancing sucks.

9. "Single Ladies (unborn fetus version)"

This version is performed by unborn fetuses.  At the end the camera zooms up and out and there are a ton of fetuses that form the words "RIGHT TO LIFE! I AM A PERSON TOO!"  It is a powerful anti-abortion statement.

8. "Single Ladies (Beyonce dances to Beyonce version)"

This is like the one where that skinny scantily clad dude dances and the video of Beyonce is next to him, but it's Beyonce dancing, and Beyonce is next to her.  She fucks up all the moves because she is on hard drugs.

7. "Shingle Ladies"

In this version, all the women have shingles.

6. "Single Ladies (TLC version)"

This is just straight up re-enacted by TLC, minus Left-Eye Lopez but with a Left-Eye impersonator.  Then TLC claims they wrote the song and a massive copyright battle ensues.  TLC actually wins, but not for the reason you'd think.

5. "Single Ladies (Gary Busey version)"

Just an episode of I'm with Busey, with "Single Ladies" on loop in the background for the entire episode.  Faint loop.  You can barely hear it.

4. "Single Ladies (coffeemaker dance version)"

Three coffeemakers reenact the dance with astounding precision.

3. "Bindle Ladies (Put a Polka-Dotted Sack On It)"

All three women are hobos and/or running away from home.  The altered lyrics teach you how to ride the rails and offer your work services to farms.

2. "Menstruating Ladies (Don't Put Anything On It)"

In this one, all three women are menstruating everywhere, all the time.  It is beautiful because the period is beautiful.  It is a powerful feminist statement.

1. "Dingleberries (Put a...oh God, fuck this)"

I hate myself.

Top 1 Video of Me Doing Stand-Up Available on the Internet

1. Rob Trump - Stand-Up Comedy at Caroline's

I admit that it bugs me a decent amount how much I flick the stupid little mic cord in this video--it was all dangly and annoying and it wouldn't get out of my way.  But other than that minor quibble--please enjoy!

(Note: I also recently made myself a Myspace Comedy page because it seems like the thing to do.  I didn't intentionally list myself as "Stand-Up / Sketch Comedy / Female" and I don't actually know how that ended up there.  Anyway, add me as a friend or whatever if you're the kind of mongoloid who uses MySpace.)

The Top 5 Best Videos on YouTube

You'd think something like this would be subjective.  It's not.  These are the best videos on YouTube and I am right.

5. I Love this School

4. IgorsPooh Fake Poo Creation

3. "Stalactites" by Mr. Arseon

2. Snorlax Owns

1. Star Wars Trumpet Solo