Top 9 Egregious Errors in Today's Oscar Nominations

Nominations for the 81st Academy Awards, released this morning, have set the blogosphere abuzz.  Or at least I assume they have--I don't read blogs because I'm not a fucking loser.  In my wonderful social life, however, I do talk to people, and some of them have brought up objections to the nominations.

9. Category: Best Picture

Egregious omission: The Dark Knight

Come on, guys.  This is the populist opinion, the critical opinion, the film nerd opinion, and the most engaging, entertaining film this year if not in the last three or four years.

8. Category: Best Screenplay (Adapted)

Egregious omission: The Dark Knight

Not only the most quotable movie this year ("Some people just want to watch the world burn," "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear," "You complete me"), but also the most interesting moral quandaries anyone was put into on screen.

7. Category: Best Score

Egregious Omission: Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard's score for The Dark Knight

More viscerally tied to the onscreen action than any other score this year, this score is also great listening when you're not watching the movie.

6. Category: Best Supporting Actor

Egregious Omission: Gary Oldman in The Dark Knight

Look, I'm not saying Heath shouldn't have gotten nominated--he should've, and he should win--but to my mind, the relatable character who deals with the most interesting moral questions is Oldman's Gordon.  When you watch it the first time, he seems just like mostly the extremely good-guy foil to the darker heroes.  The second time you watch it, you start to appreciate how his transformation deals with darkness in his own way.

5. Category: Best Supporting Actress

Egregious Omission: Katie Holmes in The Dark Knight

What a transformation she went through for this movie!  She looks, acts, and feels like a completely different person in The Dark Knight than she did in Batman Begins, a complex reflection of the stresses she has undergone in her relationship with Batman.  Not a huge role, but such a stretch always deserves praise.

4. Category: Foreign Language Film

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

The part of this movie that took place in Hong Kong and probably involved some Chinese was better than any stupid foreign films this year.

3. Category: Best Song

Egregious Omission: "All the Shit that the Joker Hums to Himself" in The Dark Knight

I have had it stuck in my head for days.

2. Category: Short Film (live action)

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and I assume this movie must have been very short.

1. Category: Documentary Feature

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

The most amazing part was that it was all true.

Top 13 Artists To Win an Academy Award, a Tony, an Emmy, and a Grammy--And Whether or Not I Could Take Them In a Fight

13. Jonathan Tunick (1938- )

Jonathan Tunick received his fourth distinct award in 1997:

Academy Award - 1977 : Best Music, Original Song Score and Its Adaptation or Best Adaptation Score - A Little Night Music, Emmy Award - 1982 : Outstanding Achievement in Music Direction - Night of 100 Stars, Grammy Award - 1988 : Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocals - "No One Is Alone", Cleo Laine, Tony Award - 1997 : Best Orchestrations - Titanic

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Yes. Like, so easily. Right, left, right... done.

12. Helen Hayes (1900-1993)

Helen Hayes received her fourth distinct award in 1976:

Academy Award - 1932 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - The Sin of Madelon Claudet, Emmy Award - 1953 : Best Actress - Not A Chance (Schlitz Playhouse), Grammy Award - 1976 : Best Spoken Word Recording - Great American Documents, Tony Award - 1947 : Best Actress, Dramatic - Happy Birthday

COULD I TAKE HER?: I feel like I shouldn't? I mean, she won an award for something called "Happy Birthday"--punching her would be like punching the Easter Bunny. Sure, you'd get some free candy, but you'd hate yourself for it afterwards.

11. Andrew Lloyd Webber (1948- )

Academy Award - 1996 : Best Music, Original Song - "You Must Love Me" from Evita, International Emmy Award - 2001 : Performing Arts - Jesus Christ Superstar, Grammy Award - 1980 : Best Cast Show Album - Evita, Tony Award - 1980 : Best Original Score - Evita

COULD I TAKE HIM?: With absolute pleasure. I'd sell tickets and Tim Rice would be sitting front row.

10. Marvin Hamlisch (1944- )

Marvin Hamlisch received his fourth distinct award in 1995:

Academy Award - 1973: Best Music, Original Dramatic Score - The Way We Were, Emmy Award - 1995 : Outstanding Individual Achievement in Music Direction - Barbra Streisand: The Concert, Grammy Award - 1974: Song Of The Year - The Way We Were, Tony Award - 1976 : Best Musical Score - A Chorus Line

COULD I TAKE HIM?: I feel like Marv has a pretty decent reach on him. That said, I feel like he only wins with Babs on his side. One on one, this is a pretty intense brawl, but I still come out on top.

9. John Gielgud (1904-2000)

John Gielgud received his fourth distinct award in 1991:

Academy Award - 1981 : Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Arthur, Emmy Award - 1991 : Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Special - Summer's Lease, Grammy Award - 1979 : Best Spoken Word Documentary or Drama - Ages of Man, Tony Award - 1961 : Best Director of a Drama - Big Fish, Little Fish

COULD I TAKE HIM?: I would respectfully decline, treat him to tea, and then bash him in the face with the kettle. Eat it, Brits!

8. Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)

Audrey Hepburn received her fourth distinct award in 1994:

Academy Award - 1953 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Roman Holiday, Emmy Award - 1993 : Outstanding Individual Achievement, Informational Programming - Gardens of the World with Audrey Hepburn, Grammy Award - 1994 : Best Spoken Word Album for Children - Audrey Hepburn's Enchanted Tales, Tony Award - 1954 : Best Actress in a Drama - Ondine

COULD I TAKE HER?: To dinner, yes. In a fight... oh jeez, that would be breaking, like, thirty rules. Still though, I bet A-Hep's a scrapper (nails, heels, skinny cigarettes, etc.). One arm tied behind my back would make it a fair fight--which I would win.

7. Rita Moreno (1931- )

Rita Moreno received her fourth distinct award in 1977:

Academy Award - 1961 : Best Actress in a Supporting Role - West Side Story, Emmy Award - 1977 : Outstanding Continuing or Single Performance by a Supporting Actress in Variety or Music - The Muppet Show, Grammy Award - 1972 : Best Recording For Children - The Electric Company, Tony Award - 1975 : Best Featured or Supporting Actress in a Play - The Ritz

COULD I TAKE HER?: I actually don't think so. "A boy like that will kill your brother!" Except more like, a girl like this will kill your face.

6. Whoopi Goldberg (1955- )

Academy Award - 1990 : Best Supporting Actress, Ghost, Daytime Emmy Award - 2002 : Outstanding Special Class Special - Beyond Tara: The Extraordinary Life of Hattie McDaniel (Host), Grammy Award - 1985 : Best Comedy Recording - Whoopi Goldberg--Original Broadway Show Recording, Tony Award - 2002 : Best Musical - Thoroughly Modern Millie (Co-Producer)

COULD I TAKE HER?: One shot and down. It's Hollywood's least-kept secret--Whoopi has a glass jaw.

5. Liza Minnelli (1946- )

Academy Award - 1972 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Cabaret, Emmy Award - 1973 : Outstanding Single Program - Variety and Popular Music - Singer Presents Liza with a 'Z', Grammy Award - 1990 : Special Grammy Award, Grammy Legend Awards.Tony Award - 1965 : Best Actress (Musical) - Flora the Red Menace

COULD I TAKE HER?: Um, obviously not. We all know about the David Gest spousal abuse charges. This is one train I don't want to step in front of.

4. Mel Brooks (1926- )

Mel Brooks received his fourth distinct award in June, 2001:

Academy Award - 1968 : Best Writing, Story and Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen - The Producers, Emmy Award - 1997 : Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series - Mad About You, Grammy Award - 1998 : Best Spoken Comedy Album - The 2000 Year Old Man In The Year 2000, Tony Award - 2001 : Best Book of a Musical - The Producers

COULD I TAKE HIM?: In actuality, yes. But I'm sure he’d sling some wicked barbs at me as he popped both hips back into place.

3. Mike Nichols (1931- )

Mike Nichols received his fourth distinct award in November, 2001:

Academy Award - 1967 : Best Director - The Graduate, Emmy Award - 2001 : Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Special - Wit, Grammy Award - 1961 : Best Comedy Performance - An Evening With Mike Nichols And Elaine May, Tony Award - 1964 : Best Director, Dramatic - Barefoot in the Park

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Mike Nichols has been asking for it for years. Therefore, I will give it to him. Anytime, anyplace, I will knock Mike Nichols on his ass. He can name the location, he can pick the weapons--I guarantee that I will F his S up. I will straight-up lay him down on the ground and make him wish he never even met Elaine May. Mike Nichols is a fucking dead man, end of story.

2. Barbra Streisand (1942- )

Academy Award - 1968 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Funny Girl, Emmy Award - 1965 : Outstanding Individual Achievements in Entertainment - Actors and Performers - My Name is Barbra, Grammy Award - 1963 : Best Vocal Performance, Female - The Barbra Streisand Album, Tony Award - 1970 : Special Tony Award

COULD I TAKE HER?: Dear Lord, no.

1. Richard Rodgers (1902-1979)

Richard Rodgers received his fourth distinct award in 1962:

Academy Award - 1945 : Best Song - "It Might As Well Be Spring" from State Fair, Emmy Award - 1962 : Outstanding Achievement in Original Music Composed - Winston Churchill-The Valiant Years, Grammy Award - 1960 : Best Show Album (Original Cast) - The Sound of Music, Tony Award - 1950 : Best Musical - South Pacific

COULD I TAKE HIM?: Come on... I could never raise arms against a fellow Columbian. This is a draw, through and through. (Although Hammerstein better watch the frig out.)

Top 5 Reasons Why Why Are Not Currently Winning Any Blogger's Choice Awards

Devoted reader of this blog that you are, you certainly remember a few days ago when I implored you to vote for the awards that we so clearly deserve, especially that golden prize above all others, the "Hottest Daddy Blogger" award. (Note: you are going to need to read that entry to understand some of the rest of this.) Here is an update: we are not winning.

Seriously, we have three votes, and I'm pretty sure that two of them are from Peter and me. SO, what is the deal? This is obviously the best blog you have ever read, you peon, and we deserve awards accordingly. Well, some things are going wrong:

5. We are not giving out enough sexual favors

Some jerk calling himself "Ed Unloaded" is the current leader in the "Hottest Daddy Blogger" category. And according to an investigative report that I just made up: he's only winning because Ed unloaded on thousands of his adoring fans in exchange for their vote. That was disgusting, I'm sorry, but I had to report on it because it's true. (Note: it's not.) Anyway, like Ed, I will now perform sexual favors for anyone who votes for us. (Note: I will probably make Peter do it if you are fat.)

4. The difficulty of signing up is deterring people

The only people who read this blog, I'm pretty sure, are friends of ours who are lazy and bored at work. Lazy people, then, click on the links, realize that they have to go through the arduous process of signing up and RECEIVING A DAMN E-MAIL from the stupid website before they can cast their vote. Basically, what I'm saying here is that the Blogger's Choice Awards are prejudiced against our key demographic of lazy people slacking off their work. This is bigoted, and I demand some sort of institutional correction or compensation. GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT LAZY PEOPLE.

3. Cystic fibrosis

2. Not enough people read this

Of course, the most obvious answer is that the best blog ever isn't getting enough votes because not enough people know that it's the best. I am taking steps to correct this, including posting my most recent (and incendiary) list to last.fm, which I hope will make lots of people predisposed to hate us come here, and then maybe ironically vote for us to win since they hate us so much now? Okay, I'll be honest, I didn't really think this one through all the way.

However, let me take this opportunity to plug the website last.fm, where you get an account that keeps track of all the music you listen to, and makes you weekly charts and such to track what artists you've been listening to most over the last week, few months, year, etc. It's ideal for people who feel the need to compartmentalize everything in life into lists, which clearly both Peter is (that is a link to Peter's profile, yeah that's right I'm just giving it out without permission) and I am (that is a link to my profile, which I don't need permission to give out because it is mine).

ALSO, Peter, I encourage you to post your most recent list to last.fm (in the journal section), and since that one is awesome and positive about music, it might actually make people come here who will love us and vote for us (this one makes more logical sense than the one before). ALSO, Peter, I love that we can talk to each other over our blog, and make a bunch of other people read what is just a personal message to you. ALSO, Peter, my rash hasn't really gotten any worse, has yours?

1. You are a jerk

Yes, that's right, most of the reason that we're not winning is because of you. It is your stupid fault and everything about you that makes us not winning. I hate you. I can't believe that you won't just take a few minutes out of your day, head over to the Blogger's Choice Awards, and cast a few votes for this wonderful light of a blog in your dark, dark life. Don't you ever give back to anything? All you do is take, take, take. Well, if you have a minute of good will in your cold, dark heart, sign up on the site and vote for us in all four categories, but mostly that last one, which is Hottest Daddy Blogger and the award we want most of all.

You have been a leech, reading us without loving us publicly, or promoting us, or even commenting on us, for too long. It's time to give back.