Top 14

14. Helena, MT

What would otherwise be there: the years of the American Civil War

13. Hartford, CT

What would otherwise be there: the name of Canada's current Prime Minister

12. Baton Rouge, LA

What would otherwise be there: your ATM pin code

11.Montpelier, VT

What would otherwise be there: where you left your keys

10. Olympia, WA

What would otherwise be there: where you left the sheet on which you
wrote where you left your keys

9. Carson City, NV

What would otherwise be there: where you left your car

8. Topeka, KS

What would otherwise be there: the name of that one song, the one that
goes "doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-dooo, doo doo doot! dooooooo...do-doooooo"

7. Jefferson City, MO

What would otherwise be there: how many days you have left to live

6. Harrisburg, PA

What would otherwise be there: your nephew's name

5. Frankfort, KY

What would otherwise be there: your wife's name

4. Trenton, NJ

What would otherwise be there: your name

3. Lansing, MI

What would otherwise be there: a bullet (because of that weird mugger
who threatened to kill you if you didn't know the capital of Michigan)

2. Annapolis, MD

What would otherwise be there: a knife (because the mugger kept asking
questions, and had a really strange system planned out)

1. Pierre, SD

What would otherwise be there: Bismarck, ND

Top 7 Aphorisms for the Avaricious

So, I actually wrote this list for McSweeneys, but they weren't cool enough for it (that is what their e-mail actually said, and no, you can't see it), so it's goin HEE-YAH!

7. The early bird gets the monopoly on worm trade.

6. All that glitters can be marketed as gold

5. A friend in need is a chump.

4. A rose by any other name would reduce in cultural relevance and fetch less on an open market.

3. If it's not broken, charge to not fix it.

2. Count your chickens before, after, and while they hatch.  Someone is trying to steal your chickens.

1. In the land of the blind, the cane salesman is king.