Top 8 Snarky, Jaded Websites

8. Cake Wrecks

Oh man! These cakes suck! We gotta let someone know! I wanted to order a sweet cake and instead I got a suck cake! I bet it tastes like a day old bag of cake shit! (Eds. note: What is that? {My note: ED, GET BACK TO WORK!}) Look, so some renegade baker/mom put George Michael on a cake. That's a pretty baller act of confectionery if you ask me. I'm not gonna hurt anyone's feelings over that. I might have a piece though. Like, the cheekbone.

7. FMyLife

Oh, here's the other thing about a lot of these websites... they showcase this new, weird trend of people making their failures super public. To me, this is both hilariously humble and staggeringly self-absorbed. (Eds. note: Too much consonance in this post. {My note: NO ONE ASKED YOU, ED.}) Wow... you have enough confidence to tell the world that your girlfriend broke up with you over the phone while sleeping with your brother. That's awesome. But you also feel the need to anonymously tell everyone. That's weird. And you don't really get anonymous pity in return. It's like howling "A DOG SHIT ON ME!" into the abyss. Where's the catharsis here? Oh my god, is catharsis dead!? All this time we were worried about irony...

6. Texts From Last Night

FMyLife to the next level, and by "next", I mean drunk. (Eds. note: Need to limit the "and by x I mean y" usages... {My note: WHO THE FRIG DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ED!? STRUNK AND/OR WHITE!?}) And again with the weird, anonymous bravura thing. Entries usually fall into one of three categories: 1) Here is how poorly/confusedly I am texting... I am having an amazing/awful night; 2) Here is how little I remember and how many weird things I found in my room... I must have had an amazing/awful night; 3) I slept with an amazing/awful person. Okay, cool.

5. Look At This Fucking Hipster

It's at this point that I'll say... look, I obviously check all these sites semi-daily. I'm not hatin', I'm just trend-spottin'. (Eds. note: Really? {My note: THE SAME COULD BE SAID FOR YOU, EDWARD.}) I actually dig this site pretty hard, and this one time, at a party in Williamsburg, a dude turned to me after a particularly ridiculous-looking person entered, and that dude said to me, "Oh man, LATFH," and I laughed so hard Yuengling came out my nose and we high-fived. I'm fine with hipster-directed e-vitriol. That being said, it's 2009. This is no longer a difficult target. What's next, taking pot-shots at David Schwimmer? (Actually, can we?)

4. Fuck You, Penguin

Because there were too many Cute Animal Websites, they had to invent Fuck You, Penguin. It's a simple concept--cute picture, angry blurb about how the animal is annoying. It is as though the internet is screaming, "Look, we got Obama elected, can we just screw around with unimportant stuff for a while?!" (Eds. note: You sound silly when you speak for the internet. {My note: YOU SOUND SILLY WHEN YOU SPEAK!)

3. Awkward Family Photos

Yep, the 80s were a rough time for hair and clothing. So were the early-to-mid-and-okay-sure-the-late 90s. During this time period, there were some photos taken. Now it is time to laugh and thank god that we are all wearing Mad Men suits and sipping the finest brandy and shooting our bad-ass glocks into the air just because we feel like it. Oh wait. We are all still broken. Time has not healed us. The future will be awkward. Awkward is the only certainty. (Eds. note: I feel like we got off on a bad start. {My note: You're right, Ed. OH WAIT, NO, ACTUALLY, YOU BLEW IT.})

2. FailBlog

In theater, the rule is that when you cannot express yourself sufficiently through words, you sing, and then when song fails, you dance. On the internet, when you cannot express your awkwardness through texts, you tweet... when tweets fail, you post embarrassing photos. When you still haven't proven yourself to be worthless, you post videos of your friends trying to dunk by jumping off of rooftops and missing the rim completely. I'm not going to link. Search for it yourself. While you're doing so, meditate on how fun it is to be part of the New Lost Generation. (Eds. note: Preachy much? {My note: DICK MUCH, ED!?})

1. Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things

WE'RE BACK(ISH!), FOLKS! Yep, the other day, Rob was like, "Hey, it's our 1 Year Anniversary, except, actually, it was like, two weeks ago. Yay?" Then we cooked a sumptuous meal and watched a rom-com together, because that's what you do on anniversaries. Anyways, who's snarkier than us, right!? Heck yeah! (Well, except when I'm all, "Hey, here is a list of some things I made up.") And don't expect it to stop any time soon! 1 MORE YEAR! 1 MORE YEAR! 1 MORE YEAR! (Eds. note: You can't make me say it.)

Top 16 GChat Profile Photo Types (and What They Say About You!)

16. You with your hot friends

You’re probably pretty normal, and also pretty pretty.

15. You with your ugly friends

You know what you’re doing… you know exactly what you’re doing.

14. You as a baby

You had a great childhood! Too bad things have gone downhill…

13. A different baby

Your childhood was fine, but more importantly, you steal babies!

12. You, “Yes We Can” poster style

You supported Barack Obama last November and are therefore 1/1,000,000,000th president.

11. A landscape

You love nature... and are maybe a little insecure? It's okay! We here at PaRMLoT love you, at least.

10. You drinking

You are the coolest person on the internets and can always be counted on to be having fun at any given instant, ever. Also, your liver is the size of a friggin’ suitcase.

9. A cartoon character

You are the second coolest person on the internets and can usually be counted upon to be patrolling the seas on a giant seahorse at any given instant, ever.

8. A picture of yourself taken by you, digital camera

You have no friends.

7. A picture of yourself taken by you, laptop

You have no friends or arms.

6. You slightly out of frame

You’re always on the move! Watch out, Governor! I’m comin’ up behind you!

5. You mostly out of frame

You are positively hideous.

4. A cute, little animal

You have never once murdered an animal. (Possibly because you are one.)

3. You, kinda blurry

You cannot be photographed! The result would be too perfect, too beautiful… it would burn the eyes and soul of anyone who looked upon it! Your visage is the samizdat!

2. You, glamour shot

Really?

1. No picture

You’re normal.

Top 25 Things About Me

Let me just spill some bile regarding Facebook. It’s been a long, long time since I enjoyed Facebook as a fun, useful social-networking/persona-crafting/flirtation-facilitation site. Yes, Virginia… there was a good Facebook once. Your little brother wasn’t on it, neither were drifters with occasional internet access, nursing mothers, or state school kids.

And there were no fucking cutesy apps and no goddamn lists of things about me. (Quick note: GUESS THE FRIG WHAT, there is a section under “Info” where you can write things about yourself. It is conveniently titled “About Me”.) Well, I’m sure as shit not posting this to Facebook.

25. I am watching Multiplicity right now.

24. I watched Groundhog Day yesterday.

23. I’m not gonna lie, Harold Ramis can direct the shit out of a 90’s comedy. (And The Ice Harvest is the most pleasant of surprises.)

22. I also won’t lie about what a molten bag of awful Andie MacDowell is… the truth is, she’s a molten bag of awful.

21. I have to start over—those last four things were so tangentially about me, it hurts.

20. Hmm, let’s see what my current About Me is. Oh. It’s in two parts. The first one is, “Nick Punto singled to right field. Nick Punto out at second attempting to advance on the play.” Okay, that’s basically my way of saying that I try really hard, sometimes to my detriment. Also, Nick Punto is my favorite baseball player. Whoa! Those are like, two real things about me! Let’s keep going!

19. The other half of my actual About Me is, “I can't wait to update my Facebook profile to reflect the positive changes in my life!” Okay. Explanation. That’s a line from a musical I worked on. Rob (of Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things), Tom (of My Apartment), and I wrote the script. That is a funny line, yes? Well, I think so…

18. Oh, um, I’ve been cooking a lot lately. Like tonight, I made a steak sandwich with goat cheese and grilled tomatoes.

17. JESUS THAT LAST ONE WAS BORING! This is what’s wrong with these lists—they cause you to reduce yourself to the minutiae that are most immediate to consciousness upon composition. Here’s a fuckin’ fact, nerdos—I AM NOT MINUTE.

16. I’m also not fat. I can’t stress that enough.

15. I have a very annoying propensity to point out That Guys in movies. As in, “Oh, that guy! That’s Jim Piddock! He’s in Best in Show!” I say this because I just did that…

14. None of the following is news… I like hockey, The Departed, The Hold Steady, Minnesota, and most Kerouac and Fitzgerald. BUT YOU DIDN'T NEED TO READ THIS LIST TO KNOW THAT.

13. Sometimes Laksh and Caitlin call me WikiPete.

12. The moment the other night when Bruce Springsteen yelled out to America/The Galaxy, “Is there anyone alive out there!” my heart grew four sizes and my soul grew five hearts.

11. This moment was shattered when the Boss powerslid his junk into a camera by the side of the stage, thus making love to all of America/The Galaxy.

10. I really feel for Michael Keaton in this movie.

9. I think it’s because he looks like my brother.

8. I should call my brother.

7. I should call my mom and dad.

6. I called them last night… still, though.

5. I really should never have started this… this is like a plate full of chicken that I order at 3 AM. Oh, I’ll finish it. But I won’t feel good about myself. Ever again.

4. Nah… I’m still pretty cool. I was Most Valuable Tenor in Junior Year.

3. Oh God, I peaked early.

2. Laksh just made a really cute face. I should just end this list.

1. I’m better than this fucking list. Also, thanks for putting up with me/occasionally finding me funny, dear readers. PaRMLotters. Yeah. That’s what you guys are. It sounds like an otter covered in chicken parm. Hah!

Top 23 Things I Am Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

23. "Hangin' preps, no regrets"

Haha, check the title of the list, nerds. 2009 is going to be packed with sentences that end in prepositions. The greatest grammatical rule ever is in full effect!

22. Instant replay

Here's the thing--I know people have this whole purist "it slows down the tempo of the game" attitude. Question: Which would you prefer, an honest game or an expedient game? Answer: You know the answer.

21. Internet in the woods

We live in the future! I am 50 miles beyond nowhere right now, the night sky is blacker than black, there are rumors of bears and pumas, and yet here I am, speaking to you!

20. Fireplaces

Though my ridiculous cat seems to think this is an awesome place to play? Memo to my cat: Dude, change your definition of "awesome", you have some serious misconceptions. Also, you have eight toes on your two front paws. Okay, that is awesome.

19. NHL Game Radio (also, when hockey announcers call jerseys "sweaters")

Not awesome--the Minnesota Wild blowing a 2-goal lead? What's the deal, fellas? Were you not aware that I was listening and that your loss severely affected my mood for like, an hour?

18. Edgewater, NJ (also, Warminster, PA)

What's up, 2nd most loyal city in the nation? That's right--PaRMLoT gets a robust 15 visits a day from Edgewater. Hey, everybody else--STEP IT UP. You don't want to end up like Peoria.

17. "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding" by Elvis Costello

Awesome story. The other day, Caitlin, Erin, and I were watching the Colbert Christmas Special when Stephen and the gang broke out into (this) song. As Colbert, Feist, John Legend, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson, and Mr. Costello himself all joined in on the phrase "Where is the ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-armony," Caitlin looks at me and says, "Whoa, sweet harmony!" UM, CAITTLE, those are the next words in the song and you didn't even know it HOW SWEET (HARMONY) IS THAT. The universe was speaking, I think.

16. The bratburger from Hallo Berlin

On rye, with mustard and red cabbage. TRUST. ME. Order it with a Spaten.

15. The NRW stop at 47th and 7th

Dear The MTA, I use this stop all the time! It is so convenient and clean and great. The red glazed tiles on the walls make it feel warm, even when it is decidedly not. Good prize! Love, Me. PS: Seriously, the MTA. Love me. LOVE ME!

14. Frank O'Hara

If you have never read "Steps" or "Why I Am Not a Painter" or "Ave Maria", just go do it. Now. I'll wait. This list will wait.

13. TV online

Hey, DirecTV. You thought I'd have to wait until January to watch Season Three of Friday Night Lights. YOU THOUGHT WRONG (AS A CORPORATION). Thanks to some enterprising folks (read: criminals) I have been kept fully abreast of the goings-on in Dillon, Texas. Sure can't wait for the playoffs, and by wait, I mean "wait a few weeks", not "wait until effing DirecTV (AKA Die-in-a-Wreck-TV) says it's okay".

12. Heaven Hill bourbon

Cheap. Surprisingly non-lethal. Attractive red and gold label. And somehow holy?

11. The house wine at Columbia Cottage

I don't care if you guys make it in the basement, it is free and it goes with the Happy Family. Yesterday, my fortune cookie said I was going to meet someone who would bring me excitement and success! (I didn't add "in bed" to the end of my fortune, because I sleep on a futon, so that would be lying.)

10. Non-coin-op laundry

Item! It feels so good to not have to pay for clean clothes. In case you are wondering, I did this today. Am I bragging? Not gonna lie... a little. I think I'm better than you because I didn't pay for laundry this time around. (If you happen to own your own washer-dryer--AKA are some sort of Vanderbilt-esque robber-baron or a non-NYC resident--I am not better than you.)

9. Tim Riggins

Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself WWTRD, what would Tim Riggins do? The answer, usually, is take an indefinite absence from the team, drink heavily while helping out a friend in dire need, stare off into the distance wistfully/mournfully while your hair blows in your face... then you mumble, "Texas forever," and go win the big game. He has the best fictional life.

8. For once, babies, because I suppose we all were them once

This baby came over to my apartment the other day, and she was awesome. She didn't cry or try to steal my soul or any of that crap babies normally do. I was actually okay with the idea of babies for once. I'm gonna call that baby up and see if she wants to hang. We could see Slumdog Millionaire or something.

7. The cold

'Cuz if it's cold, sometimes you have to make your own anti-cold (AKA warmth), am I right, ladies? You guys, that was totally intended to be sweet and charming, but it came off as super-creepy. I am sorry.

6. The ability to ice skate

Because then you can go to the skating rink in Central Park and look the raddest.

5. The absurd

Theory: Most things are absurd, in some way. If you are observing something, and it's not absurd, then that fact in and of itself is absurd, because you've managed to escape the absurd for a moment. If the absurd is occuring, and you choose to ignore it and live your life, that's doubly absurd because you're allowing yourself to believe absurdity doesn't exist. If you come into contact with the absurd (which, as we've just established, is super-likely) and you just say, "Yep, that's absurd," that's still pretty absurd if you think about it, because then you're basically saying that absurdity is normality. Oh my gosh, this life is wonderful and heart-breaking.

4. Rob Trump and his wacky ideas

Thanks for following through on this site, man. We rant and babble and talk weird, but once in a while, I think we're geniuses.

3. The fact that we, as a species, got tired of being nomads

I'm in a house right now, not an outcropping of rocks at which I am making camp for the night, and it's a great, good thing. (I suppose apartment-living is still slightly nomadic, but I digress.) I don't wanna get into a whole thing right now, because it's late and cold and I have to cook a bunch tomorrow... I'm just taking a moment here, considering who I live with, both immediately and emotionally, and I have to say, it's pretty heartening.

2. The human instinct towards tradition

Like when Tom calls "Shots!" in my apartment and we all drink whatever awful alcohol is in the freezer, or when Caitlin starts casting the movie we're watching with our friends, or when Frank decides to christen the night we're having ("The Attack on Manhattan", "The Second Wind", etc...), or when Rob says it's a good day to get soup, or when Laksh communicates with me via George Michael videos on YouTube... these are the sorts of constants in my life that make all the other shit and absurdity seem semi-distant.

1. Change

Then again, Change had a pretty good year, too.

The Top 20 Things I Saw During Halloween 2008

Here's a semi-chronological list of exciting/ridiculous things I saw down in the Lower East Side/Chelsea on Halloween night. I bit the bullet and bought a Dillon Panthers jersey at the NBC store so I could be Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. A shockingly decent number of random people on the street recognized it, although one guy got really pissed that I was dressed up as a character from the TV show and not the book. Halloween is no time for purism, bro.

Anyway...

20. A Russia/Alaska guy-and-girl combo costume

This would have been darling and clever, but the guy kept yelling, "I can see her from my house, you guys!" which sounded surprisingly creepy. Also, the Russia costume was totes amorphous and the scale was all off in comparison to the Alaska.

19. Thing One and Two making out at Ate Ave

I feel like these two guys chose these costumes just so they could PDA out on the town and onlookers to buzz excitedly--"OMG y'all, Things One and Two are totally boning in the corner!!" Well, looks like I bought in, dudes. I just want to know what their other options were. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee... pitcher and catcher... the Minnesota Twins. This just got weird.

18. A non-costumed Ate Ave regular who was very excited to tell me how much he “loved [me] in high school”

Frankly, I was most put off by the lack of imagination. Or, ya know... lack of costume. Same diff. (PS: I was awesome in high school. I know that's not what you mean, guy--but just sayin'.)

17. A fellow straight at Ate Ave dressed as Daniel Plainview, very cautiously refraining from any milkshake-drinking jokes

Stay straight, bro.

16. Like, two-thousand spent MetroCards spilled all over the floor of the L-stop on 8^th Ave.

This was most likely some form of performance art. Or a get-rich-quick-scheme gone awry.

15. Palins... Palins everywhere

Memo to women with glasses in New York City: Glasses and a polyester blazer do not a costume make. That being said, I hope you all found frustrated, terrified Republicans (or confused, apprehensive Democrats) to spend the first hours of November with.

14. Even more Jokers

TOO. SOON. GUYS.

13. One brilliant shining Palin-Joker

All points ever awarded to this brave, beautiful individual. As of presstime, it was unclear whether or not the Palin-Joker was a boy or a girl. Also, as of presstime, I was watching Mrs. Doubtfire. A) Mrs. Doubtfire = Palin-Joker in forty years. B) Today, Mrs. Doubtfire word be called Tranny Nanny. C) Speaking of trannies, congrats to noted shapeshifter Jordy Lievers on finishing the NYC Marathon.

12. One really drunk Joker who tried to steal Frank’s guitar

Not cool, bro. He needs that for GuitarHero. Also, your bro in the OG Wolverine costume was a) better dressed, b) way more chill, and c) didn't attack us.

11. One other really drunk Joker with two forties screaming “Why so beer-ious!” on 14^th St.

Good one, bro. Somewhere up there, Heath is smiling down, taking a break from filling out Mary Kate Damnation Requests.

10. Double Dare contestants at Croc Lounge

Built-in pickup line: "Do you want to take the Physical Challenge?" Built-in party foul: Attempting to play wacky, fill-the-cup-on-my-helmet-by-throwing-liquid-across-the-room games.

9. Like, half of Return to House on Haunted Hill

Honestly? Still better than Made of Honor.

8. A gang of dudes dressed up as the New Zealand All Blacks

It took every ounce of self-control not to challenge them to a pick-up game. Some onlooker-guy was all, "Come on, Timmy Riggs! Clear eyes, full heart! Do it for Tyra!" I was all, "Um, he and Tyra were over in Season One, bro." In my head...

7. A goodly handful of Green Men

The authenticity ranged from full-body-full-face lycra onesies to lime green shirt/kelly green sweats/backwards Philadelphia Eagles baseball cap combos. Either way, the Always Sunny gang is not without an NYC fanbase.

6. A good number of dudes who happened to be wearing green shirts, who we decided were also Green Men

This was during the portion of the evening when we were dressed as assholes. (That is, after 3:00.)

5. A guy in a frilly shirt face down on Irving St.

NYU kid, probs. We alerted the authorities. Kinda.

4. A cop who kept poking his buddy and giggling, “Yo—this is my costume!”

Again... good one, bro. (Peter, stop saying "bro" every three words.) Now go help the NYU kid dressed as the contents of his stomach.

3. A second round of Double Dare contestants

...begging the question WHY didn’t I go as Olmec from Legens of the Hidden Temple?

2. A couple sexy Ghostbusters—accompanied by a guy in a gorilla suit yelling, “Don’t cross the streams!”

To be honest, I might have dreamed this. That doesn't mean that my recollection isn't crystal clear, though. The girl-most-likely-to-be-the-Venkman was about four fitted sheets and a pillowcase to the wind... the Ray was holding up like a champ... the Egon would have made a decent Palin. There was no Winston. (Incidentally, there was also no Dana. Only Zuul.)

1. Dude getting thrown out of SideBar, having his head cracked on the pavement outside, subsequent tremors and whimpers

This was when I decided that the evening was no longer fun and suddenly terrifying. I have repressed everything that followed. You guys, I really don't like Halloween. I haven't since the fifth grade. Can't I just dress up as myself and be loved for it? No sweet 80's cartoon refs, no punny riffs on superheroes, no figures of speech, no sexy politicians, no sexy anythings...

This just turned into the Halloween-rant version of that John Lennon song about the dream being over.

Um... don't forget to vote?

Top 8 Things Casey Affleck Has Done (For America?)

Yo. A while back, Rob accused Casey Affleck of coattail riding. A little after that, he wrote about his BJ Novak man-crush. Well, guess what, sportsfans. I'm going to kill two related birds (Birds that are brothers? BYRDS that are brothers?!) with one list-shaped stone!

Here are eight great things Casey Affleck has done (each thing happens to be a movie), and therefore, eight great reasons to have a mancrush on Casey Affleck!

8. American Pie
In a blink-and-you'll-miss-him role, Casey plays Thomas Ian Nichols' big bro, which is for some reason hilarious to me. Thomas Ian Nichols... is he okay? I worry about him. I mean, you kind of want to know that the Rookie of the Year kid is doing alright. Maybe he needs a blanket or some sandwiches. I should give him a call. (Full disclosure: I don't have his number or address, on account of I don't know him for real.) Oh well. This is a list about Casey Affleck, not Thomas Ian Nichols. (Also, note: About half the time when I type Casey Affleck, I accidentally type "Casey Afflecky". WEIRD.)

7. To Die For
This is one of those movies that comes on TBS every two months or so and I always end up watching half of. This is to say, unfortunately, that I have never seen To Die For in its entirety in one sitting, but I've always meant to, and to me, that's what counts. Like I meant to go abroad junior year, but I got kinda busy. Like I meant to get my French up to conversational speed, the situation where I needed it never cropped up. Like I meant to cut down on coffee, but the thing is, I love coffee. Anyway, I don't see anything glaringly wrong with this movie, so maybe someday, I'll watch the whole thing.

6. Gerry
You know what is a fun name/word to say? Gerry! Gerry gerry gerry. Gerry reminds me of gerry-mandering, which is an equally fun word to say, if not a horrible practice. Gerry reminds me of when I used to do improv and most people in our scenes ended up getting named "Gerald". Gerry reminds me of a not-so-offensive-anymore ethnic slur against Germans--a group of which I am a part! Gerry is also a Gus Van Sant movie, I guess... in which Casey and Matt Damon walk around the desert. Then one of them dies? Guys, I fell asleep during Gerry.

5. 200 Cigarettes
Listen. I have needs. This movie fulfilled that need. I don't know why MTV knew that I needed a film set in the 80's where Paul Rudd hooks up with Courtney Love in a bathroom, Jay Mohr takes Kate Hudson's V-card, Dave Chappelle drives a cab, and Elvis Costello shows up for like, two seconds, but then again, I don't know why we were put here on this green earth, either. Maybe to enjoy 200 Cigarettes. Oh, Casey shows up in a dark alley, wearing weird Punk-New Wave makeup and hair. IT IS WORTH A LOOK, OKAY.

4. Ocean's Eleven
I think Ocean's Eleven is the Halloween of movies. (I'm not saying that it's particularly scary or something during which parents should be on guard against child predators.) Ocean's is a romp, it's fun, it's full of grown men playing pretend and acting like kids--hell, it's a bunch of guys pretending to be guys pretending to be other guys. (That's like a quote from Tropic Thunder or something!) And Casey's right there in the middle of it... goofin' off with Scotty Caan, in my second favorite Scotty Caan role. (The first OBVIOUSLY being Charlie Tweeder in Varsity Blues. TWEEDER! Also, is it cool that I keep calling him Scotty? He probably doesn't read this blog... I wish he did?) This movie is just plain fun.

3. Good Will Hunting
Okay. So... was Casey supposed to be retarded in this movie? Don'tanswerthatIlovehiminthismoviesomuch! Wow. Yo, this shit got creepy. Um. I'm going to start from square one. Hey! Did you know that Casey Affleck is quite a good actor? This is an opinion I happen to hold. One film in which he shows off his I-am-quite-a-good-actor chops is 1997's Good Will Hunting. It is about a janitor who is good at math but has had a rough life blah blah blah you know the plot of Good Will Hunting. Remember the part about Casey Affleck having a crush on the take-out girl. That was funny.

2. Gone Baby Gone
Casey had a really good year in 2007. In fact, it was really difficult for me to pick the ordering on #1 and #2. I put Gone Baby Gone at number two just 'cause the role feels like less of a stretch, but eff that, really, because this is a stand-out performance and frankly, one that deserved even more recognition than it got. The younger Mr. Affleck put his heart and guts on display in the role and I'm not going to forget it any time soon. If you like noir, if you like moral drama, if you movies--check this out.

1. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Just an intensely good movie. Apparently there was a dark, brooding zeitgeisty thing going on in American film in 2007... also, BTW, why Roger Deakins didn't win for Best Cinematography for this, AND why Nick Cave didn't even get nominated for Best Score, I DO NOT KNOW. Anywayz. This is Casey Affleck's movie from start to finish. I'm remembering a great scene at a dinner table where Robert Ford lists the similarities between himself and Jesse James--I cannot shake this scene from my mind. Affleck is comically creepy, poignantly twisted, and absolutely heart-breaking in this performance. I have a feeling he's going to have a long, long career.

Top 17 Garments I Can't Pull Off

Folks, it's true... there are some articles of clothing that I just don't look good in. I can't pull 'em off. It's rough, but frankly, I've got a life to live, so I just have to deal with it. So what garments are they? (I promise no puns!!!)

17. Berets

There are a few photos of me, scattered through the years, that chronicle my ill-advised attempts to wear berets. Each one of them begs the question, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing, guy? Are we supposed to clap or something?" I'm really sorry about this and believe me, if I could go back in time, I would show up on the morning each and every one of those photos were taken, I would slap myself in the face, and I would say to myself, "Listen! You are going to make a horrible mistake today. Just go back to bed and sleep until tomorrow so that you don't do something you're going to regret forever."

16. Bowling shirts

I'm not a bowling man, and I'm not big on trying new things. That being said, I've seen these shirts at thrift stores and the like and I've always wondered, "Well, what if?" The problem is that they usually come with other people's names on them and by that point, it's not just the garment you're trying to pull off, it's a whole other person. I might look okay in the shirt, but I'm certainly no "Phil".

15. Thai fisherman pants

This just sounds like an awful idea and judging by the Wikipedia page, Thailand should be kinda embarrassed about this.

14. The color yellow

It's just a mistake. I can imagine that someday someone will buy me a smiley-face t-shirt and even though I like smiling and do it pretty frequently, I will look at them with a non-smile and say, "BRO, what were you thinking? Do you not know me? This shit is elemental. I look bad in yellow."

13. Fur

I don't mean fur coats, although I don't think that I could really make that work either. I'm talking about having an actual fur coat. Like, coming out of my skin. As though I were a dog or a bear or some other sort of woodland creature. I'm not saying that this is a distinct possibility in my immediate future, I'm just sayin'... I would never look good with a robust coat of lush fur.

12. Meat

To be fair, no one looks good covered in meat. Well, maybe Brad Pitt could pull off bacon. Yo, did you guys see Burn After Reading? Brad Pitt does not wear bacon in it, but it is the funniest movie I've seen all year.

11. Socks, after a run

Yo, you guys, I know I said no puns, but seriously, those little fuckers are hard to get off if you've been running for four or five miles. They're all sweaty and stuff and they try to strangle your ankles. It's bullshit. Sock-makers, see to it that you remedy this ridiculous problem.

10. Jean jackets

Oh. Wait. I'm sorry. I can pull these motherfuckers off. And I do. So quit the shit, haters. And don't tell me that I wear them all the time, because I don't. I wore one for like, a year. But there are other jackets in my life. And I'm sorry if I forgot that I owned one and spent $50 on a new one when I didn't need it! So maybe don't worry about how I make mistakes with jean jackets and start worrying about the fact that I look friggin' rad in one!

9. A sheet

This is self-explanatory, so instead of explaining it, let me just apologize for my jean-jacket-related vitriol. I haven't been sleeping well.

8. Really tight t-shirts

I live in Hell's Kitchen, so I have to be careful about giving the wrong impression to the local dudes. Y'know, those dudes. Dudes who like, wear tear tight t-shirts for a living. More importantly, I don't look good in really tight t-shirts. I look uncomfortable. And kinda itchy. Plus, it's difficult to choose a shirt with a funny slogan that is snarky or references an 80's cartoon. People might look at you and think, "That guy really likes Jem," but maybe you just want to fit in! Guys! I have a problem--it is a need to conform!

7. Capes

I'm not a wizard, I work in a neuroscience lab, therefore, a cape is not a required garment for my job. Also, I'm not a kindergartener, so I can't just show up places and be all, "What up, nerds! This is WHAT I'M WEARING--deal with it... when is snack?"

6. Wife beaters

Basically, I don't have a wife, so I just feel like this would be a pose. 

5. Tracksuits

Don't you feel like if you wear a tracksuit, people are going to depend on you to be peppy and energetic? Perhaps there will be some debilitating energy lull and folks will look to you to pull everyone out of the doldrums with some jumping jacks. I'm sorry, I don't want that kind of pressure. Please stop asking me to wear tracksuits. I can't be your rock.

4. Hakamas (with or without kimonos)

Yeah, no. Sorry. This is the sort of thing I worry about ordering from a catalogue when I am drunk. (NOTE: I don't normally spend my drunk hours paging through the kind of catalogues that sell hakamas... BUT IF I DID!)

3. Tunics

I am not, nor have I ever been a peasant or a serf. Also, I don't participate in re-enactments of peasant/serf-related events. Therefore, wearing a tunic just won't do. 

2. Basketball jerseys

The problem with wearing any type of athletics-related garment is that you are a walking conversation-starter. Plus, people will have an automatically valenced response to your outfit... either, "Yeah, buddy--go Vikes!" or "Fuck you, buddy... the Vi-queens blow, go Packers!" Now, at least football jerseys look cool. Basketball jerseys are all baggy and saggy, plus, I maybe don't like basketball that much? So it just wouldn't make sense for me to wear one? But sometimes I secretly wish I could? You guys, my issues are numerous...

1. Shorts

I am wearing a pair right now and I just feel bad about myself. My calves are so nude! There are literally so many different nice kinds of pants. Jeans, khakis, linen pants, pants that are gray... I could go on. But then summer has to come along and screw all that up! OH, and guys, apparently there are rich people who like, wear expensive shorts and think they are so much better than all of us? Agh, life is a difficult series of trifles and tragedies.

The Top 18 Overrated Things

Well, I have to admit it... Rob's second-to-most-recent post really inspired me. Reading about all that music that people overrate so frequently, compounded by the arduous two-day task of composing my favorite last tracks, has really gotten me thinking: maybe it would be easier if I took a swing at some things I don't like! Now, I'm not good at specifics... we all know that. So, this is going to be a pretty wide-ranging list. However, you can be sure that hobos, vice-presidents, and fictional plot devices won't be on it. (Hey nerdos! I just linked to a bunch of my old lists... in case you haven't read them! I want you to get a sense for who I am so that we might one day be able to call each other friends!!!)

18. Butterflies
Why do you people like butterflies so much? All day, all I hear is, "Oh my gosh, I saw the cutest butterfly today. It was in a stroller and its mom looked so proud and it was sort of pointing and laughing at me on the subway. OMFG so cute." You guys... that sounds boring. I can point and laugh, why don't you like me? It's just that, um... I mean... what I'm trying to say is... wait. You meant babies, right? Shoot. I like babies.

17. The electoral college
Ugh... this one has me real angry, you guys. And I'm not going to screw it up like babies/butterflies. (And now that I think about it, I don't like babies that much. They are scary-looking and wrinkly and they shit without warning and no one yells at them!) Anyway. The electoral college is seriously overrated. Just ask Sammy Tilden, Grover Cleveland, Al Gore. These are the only three guys in US History to have won the popular vote, but lost the electoral vote. They would have been three of the sweetest presidents, too! Well... okay, fine, Grover Cleveland had two other chances, once before this loss, and once after... and maybe Gore is more effective as a powerpoint-writer/award-winner... but seriously, Tilden was a Nic Cage-style badass. More importantly... the E.C. makes it possible for a candidate to win eleven--ELEVEN--of our fifty states [the most populous 11, obvs: California (55 votes), Texas (34), New York (31), Florida (27) Illinois (21), Pennsylvania (21), Ohio (20), Michigan (17), Georgia (15), New Jersey (15), and North Carolina (15)] and still win the election. The other candidate would have an overwhelming victory in the popular vote, but come Inauguration Day, they'd be nursing a double whiskey coke and growing a beard. That's BULL.

16. Man-eating anythings
Why do we reward these assholes? Oh, hey, huge sharks that kill humans! Let's give you a week of programming--maybe you can use those commercial blocks to peddle your pro-Carcharodon message of people-munching. What up, big mean bears! You wanna star in a documentary? How about a bunch of them! Great! AGH, my face! Guess what. We are easy to kill. We are fleshy, pale, hairless things who like microwave hot wings and internet porn. Ruthless killing machines shouldn't be so proud about doing us in... we were easy prey. And we shouldn't congratulate them!

15. Hybrids (if you buy a shitty hybrid)
Aw, man! I just bought a hybrid and I am totally doing my part! My carbon footprint is like, a baby shoe! I am a better human than that fat man spreading mayonnaise on his belly! Wait, what? Not all hybrids are created equal? Some just flat-out blow? WHOA! I sure hope I fall on the right side of that fence! DO YOUR RESEARCH, AUTO-CONSUMERS! THEY HAVE MAGAZINES ON THIS STUFF! (I THINK!)

14. Early SNL
When they released the first season on DVD, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. But, I'm poor, so I didn't. Luckily someone left it in Caitlin's suite in EC, so now we own it? The thing is, when I watched it, there were long, long stretches of sketches that were just... bad. Like, weirdly bad. And like, badly weird. It's cool to see drugged-up people make fools of themselves, but when you have these incredibly juiced up perceptions of them already, to see them do it is just, well, sad. I'm obviously not saying there weren't incredibly funny moments... the iconography is there, no doubt. (And even the most batshit Muppets sketches are better than what has passed for humor on recent seasons of SNL, if for no other reason than there was some effort evident in their sheer absurdity.) But... I dunno, man. I wasn't blown away.

13. The color red
I am tired of meeting people whose favorite color is red. (Frankly, I am tired of meeting people who want to talk about their favorite color.) So many bad things are red! Blood, red pen marks on bad essay, red states... that's only three and I'm having a panic attack! Also, what about when the stock market loses points--they report that shit in RED. You owe it to the economy and therefore America (whose favorite thing is economics) to not like red anymore. Go turn in your government -issued Favorite Color Cards now!

12. Feta cheese
This is a good cheese to have on, say, a gyro or... on the side of some souvlaki. Maybe on top of a Greek salad. Great! If you are doing any of these things, you are eating Greek food. DUDE. How often do you do that? Probs like, three times a month. IF YOU'RE REALLY WEIRDLY INTO GREEK FOOD. And yet, when people list their top five cheeses (which is all the times), feta always sneaks in! What is that!? GUYS! You know you don't like feta that much! You just like saying feta! That's fine, but wait until you've thought of a fifth cheese and then say it as much as you like! Feta feta feta... I GET IT. But, please... Jarlsberg. Havarti. Muenster. Colby fucking Jack, if you must. But not feta, friends.

11. Lemons
Lemons are a fine garnish on fish or in iced tea, but I personally think that limes beat them in every other category. Lime goes better in beer. Key Lime Pie >>> Lemon Merengue. Lime-infused tortilla chips are more addictive than morphine. No one calls Brits "lemonies". Also, I would rather eat a whole lime than a whole lemon. Just sayin'. (BTW: Jack Lemmon is totally cool.)

10. Calling Derek Jeter overrated
Sports dudes. (Of which I am one.) You are in a business that is a little different than music. Whereas musicians like Radiohead do not show up on trading cards with their "music stats" printed on the back, athletes do. (Sidebar: how sweet would music trading cards be?!?!?!?! Built To Spill's card would have stats like "Jangly, angular guitar riffs per album: 6.3"! Springsteen's early work would have "Dylanesque lyrics per song: 25.34"!) ANYWAY. You can use those stats. IF YOU DO, the Jeter overrated diatribe goes out the winder. .315 life time batting average. on pace for 3,000 hits, bats a quaint .314 in the playoffs, etc etc etc. Plus he's clutch, plus he's a leader, plus he's gutsy, plus he sleep with hot ladies. NOW, if you're one of those wacky sabermetricians and you want to talk about how he's the most ineffective defensive player in baseball... (btw, good on ya saber-bos for inventing a useless need--people to give you stats above and beyond the normal, non-mom's-basement-dwelling stats--and then filling that void... that is American and I am a patriot!) GUESS THE DUCK WHAT. My favorite team, the Minnesota Twins, is chock-a-block full of effective defensive players and they sure as hell don't have the recent World Series to show for it. My favorite player, Little Nicky Punto, the tiny superhero, is an absolute DEMON in the field... only problem is, he loses his swing for seasons at a time. Ya need clutch hitting to win, folks.

9. "Radio, Radio"
As one of the biggest Elvis Costello fans this side of the Big Drink, I feel a certain pride in taking issue with the quasi-reverence that is paid to this song, and that one performance on SNL in 1977. It makes for an interesting curio of a protest anthem, but you've got to admit that it's directed at a pretty small niche... even in '77, I'm pretty sure people had realized that radio is subpar and that you can get all the listening advice you need from your friends and the guy at the record store. Radio corruption goes back to the 50s and the Payola scandals, dude! What's more, this is nowhere near the best Costello song. It's not the best early Costello song, it's not the even in the top five songs on This Year's Model. To be honest, it's kinda generic. It's even got some of that Weezer-hypnotism that Rob loves to rag on! It's a fine song, just don't let your Elvis Costello exploration begin and end with it.

8. Illinois
This is an issue of honesty, folks. Illinois is part of the mid-west. I love the midwest. I love their hotdish. I love their waves of wheat. I love Minnesota, mostly, but I love it all secondarily. Now here's the thing about some Illinosians I've met. (Whoa! I thought I made that word up, but spell-check is giving me the okay! Nice!) Anyway, some of these cats like to pretend that being from Chicago (or near Chicago... or being able to spell Chicago) makes them somehow not midwestern. GUYS! Play fair! I think Chicago is great. I've been there twice and both times were super-great. I rode in a ferris wheel, I ate pizza, I have NO complaints. But be true to your ethos, dudes!

7. The Dark Crystal
Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, The Neverending Story. You don't need a fourth movie. It will only be worse than the other four. If you are one of the kids who liked Dark Crystal more than these touchstones of childhood, you were pushed into the sandbox frequently as a child and forced to eat caterpillars. I'm sorry for bringing up that memory, but you need to deal with it.

6. T-shirts
I think t-shirts are a fine garment. I'm wearing one right now. However, it's important to note that I'm only wearing one because my laundry is in the wash right now. I'm wearing this because I have no other options. It is though I am a member of the Donner Party and I am chewing on my uncle's flesh for sustenance. Except I am wearing a t-shirt. T-shirt wearing is all well and good, but it is, at best, a default option. It's not the best option.

5. Skylights
You guys. If you want natural light to stream forth from the Heavens, there is a really good place to see it. It is called the out-of-doors. You can go to your door, open it, and walk into a non-shady place. The sun will stream accordingly. Note: If you don't have a door, you can probably climb out a window. If you don't have windows, you are inside a box and are sort of fucked. Skylights are expensive, opening doors is not--again, if you have a door.

4. Bernini
Do you guys know about this thing called the Uncanny Valley? It's the totally sweet idea that when a human likeness (a robot, an animation, etc.) looks and acts too much like a human being, it's revolting and scary and creepy. Bernini's sculptures were basically the marble version of photorealism and it sends my brain on a crazy camping trip in the Uncanny Valley. Everytime I see Apollo and Daphne, I get worried that at night, those two come to life and run around the Galleria Borghese, playing pranks on ridiculously stereotyped Italian security gaurds. Stone should not have such tenderness! (And now that I think about it, that Apollo/Daphne midnight gallery romp sounds pretty cool. Like A Night at the Museum for the Squid and the Whale crowd.)

3. "Scrubs"
When you can basically improv a better version of a show after watching a few episodes, something has gone wrong. The initial thrust of this show was great, but when it turned into the Family Guy of hospital dramedies, shit got real. Real bad.

JD: I've got a patient here with an enlarged heart...

The Todd: (to some nurse) And I need you to be patient with my large, hard--(the nurse slaps The Todd)

LATER!

JD Voiceover: And then I realized, maybe it's not such a bad thing to have an enlarged heart. Well, no, it probably is a bad thing for Mrs. Kowalski, but what I'm really saying is, maybe I need to care more!

Eliot walks in, bouncing and grinning.

Eliot: JD! You were wrong about that thing you said earlier, but I'm gonna let you off the hook. However, when I say let you off the hook, I mead "lord it over you".

JD Voiceover: As long as I'm under you... get it, that was a sex thing. Oooh, also--here's a visual gag. Remember the enlarged heart thing? (Eliot's boobs grow.) HAH! Score!

Dr. Cox walks in.

Dr. Cox: I hate you all but not as much as I hate a list of pop culture references and catchphrases. You should all feel suitably shamed. You are bad doctors, for certain, but for some reason, I am not a bad doctor for failing to be a better mentor.

The show closes as the hospital burns to the tune of Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah".

2. Being careful not to leave your prepositions dangling
I basically just put this here so I could rep Rob's new slant rhyme: "Hangin' preps, no regrets!" That's some poetry to be proud of!

1. Shoes, frankly
I am not wearing any right now and I feel fantastic. So why do people insist on imposing this totalitarian feet-imprisoning trend? Aaaaah, I am spreading my toes right now and it is awesome. The thing is, though, I am alone and at my house in Buffalo. This sort of behavior might not be cool at a party in New York City.

Top 25 Closing Tracks

OH MAN! This took TWO days! My next list is going to be simple as dirt... Top 5 Grilled Cheese Cheeses or something.

25. Train in Vain - The Clash
from the album London Calling.
I was in a bar one night, getting a drink with an ex, and this song came on. No one says it like fuckin' Joe Strummer, man... ("Well, some things you can explain away / But my heartaches in me till this day"). That really killed me dead. To be honest, this track feels a little weird coming at the end of this particular album--after all the jazzy, angry, socially conscious punk, here comes this heart-broken gem. But they're The Clash, man; they're the only band that matters.

24. Lawyers, Guns, and Money - Warren Zevon
from the album Excitable Boy.
Here is my unabashed declaration that Warren Zevon is the most underrated musical artist of all time, beyond The Mountain Goats, The Replacements, and Frederic Chopin. (Okay, Chopin's pretty rated.) His songs work because they are experientially layered. You listen to it once because it's got a catchy melody. You listen again because the lyrics are witty and the general vibe is fun. You listen again because you've formed a bond with the characters. You listen again because you've come to identify with the ebulliently dark (or darkly ebullient?) themes that run through Zevon's lyrics. You come back and you come back and you keep coming back because these are not songs, they are brilliantly crafted novels set to music.

23. It Ain't Hard to Tell - Nas
from the album Illmatic.
Rob and I were having a mini-debate (read: gchat conversation) about what the greatest hip-hop album of all-time is, and Rob brought up Illmatic. (Actually, I think he led with Illmatic and the discussion sprang from there. Anyway.) It's a pretty worthy submission, eh? Now, I know people complain about rap songs that exist solely to extol the lyrical virtues of the artist, but when done right, it's hard to argue. Plus, the placement of this song at the end of the album justifies all of Nas' comparisons (beginning like a violin, ending like Leviathan, deleting stress like Motrin, etc.); after hearing now-classic tracks like "NY State of Mind", "The World is Yours", and "Life's a Bitch", well... you kind of have to agree!

22. Reservations - Wilco
from the album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.
This from Rob Trump (because he is awesome and I am lazy): "When you wind up at the end, at "Reservations," it's not unreasonable to feel like you've been put through about everything a relationship and life can put you through. So when Tweedy expresses his inability to adequatly express himself--"How can I convince you it's me I don't like"--it's relatable. And when he expresses his inability to even make sense of himself--"I'm bound by the feeling so easy to fake"--it's even more relatable. But when he lets us know that no matter how arch- or meta-analytic he's going to be, that "None of this is real enough to take me away from you," that is beautiful and cathartic. And next are the best lyrics on Yankee and some of the best he's ever written: "I've got reservations / About so many things / But not about you / But not about you." To go through everything that Yankee signifies and end on this statement...that's one of the strongest declarations of the power of love in any art I know."

21. This Is Not What You Had Planned - The Wrens
from the album The Meadowlands.
On a purely elemental level, this probably isn't a great song. I never find myself saying, "Um, shoot... I really want to listen to 'This Is Not What You Had Planned', that great, good catchy tune. It is probably the perfect pop song!" But on a purely performative level, this song does what every song should do: it crystallizes the artist's emotions and superimposes them into the consciousness of the listener. It's like forced empathy. According to an interview in Stylus (seriously one of the best interviews I've ever read), the track was the product of the bassist breaking up with his girlfriend, getting drunk as a cougar, and stumbling into the studio, ready to improv.

20. Sleep of the Just - Elvis Costello
from the album King of America.
I was really tempted to put "What's So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding" on instead (and not just because it's my karaoke song!), but I like to take every chance I get to pimp King of America. This is the most criminally underrated album of the 1980s. You simply will not find a better appropriation of the country western ethos.

19. Play Your Part (Pt. 2) - Girl Talk
from the album Feed the Animals.
This is kind of cheating, but maybe not? Like "Faithfully" and "International Players Anthem" are both great songs, but I dunno if they'd make this list if they were last tracks. (Okay, they totes wouldn't.) But, man... mash 'em up and Jesus God it is bombastic brilliance.

18. How a Resurrection Really Feels - The Hold Steady
from the album Separation Sunday.
The Hold Steady are the hardest-working, hardest-rocking, hardest-drinking band in the world. They come from Minnesota and love baseball and America and adolescence. Stay Positive is my early favorite for album of the year, by the way. This song, the closer to the quasi-concept album Separation Sunday, is what I listen to when I think about going to church. In this album, a Minnesota heroine (Holly, short for Hallelujah) falls in love with the wrong crowd, does a bunch of drugs, has sex for money (?), falls in love, listens to some tunes, gets born again by the Mississippi River, and ends up in Ybor City, FL. She may or may not die at some point, she ping-pongs between Hold Steady regulars Charlemagne (her sometime pimp, sometime lover) and Gideon (sometime lover, sometime cowboy skinhead?), and finally, in the end, finds God. She literally climbs a church crucifix and finds him. Fuck the perfectly crafted pop song. Give me a story like that.

17. Videotape - Radiohead
from the album In Rainbows.
I had no expectations for this album, I'll be honest. I wasn't a huge Hail to the Thief fan, I heard the early buzz and was ready for a letdown, but then, after 2 of the best dollars I've ever spent, I ended up loving every minute of In Rainbows. Looking back, this track is probably 65% responsible for that adoration. It's an acknowledgment that all things, good and bad, come to an end, and that in the final moments, all we have are, well, moments.

16. The Band Played Waltzing Matilda - The Pogues
from the album Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash.
If I was writing a list of story songs, this would be near the top. A harrowing depiction of the Australian involvement in the Battle of Gallipoli, this song has probably my favorite lyric about war ever... "I looked at the place where my legs used to be / And thank Christ there was nobody waiting for me / To grieve and to mourn and to pity". Though the lyrics are borrowed, Shane MacGowan's bitter delivery puts a dour, decided cap on the greatest Irish punk-folk record ever recorded.

15. Is This Music? - Teenage Fanclub
from the album Bandwagonesque.
This popped up on the AV Club's list of the best instrumentals by mainly non-instrumental bands and I think it was their best inclusion. This is a ballsy song, full-stop. Eleven glowing, fluorescent, Alex-Chilton-on-ecstasy tracks and then... bam! You get this electric elegy that feels like it's about to burst into more poetic lyrics but never does. In fact, it's somehow distant and withdrawn; it manages to undercut the cheer of the previous songs, but still brings a smile to your face.

14. Scenario - A Tribe Called Quest
from the album The Low End Theory.
Hahahahahah... I love this song. I love Tribe. I used to this while mowing lawns all the time. This is probably my favorite hip-hop album, too... so there's that. There that is. Yeah, yeah, it's about how good they are at what they do, and about what sorts of things their raps are like, and who they are better than, and what kinds of unpleasantries and unmentionable acts they will perpetrate on your person if you step to them, but come on... this shit is as fun as it is sophomoric, as funny as it is scatological.

13. Butterfly - Weezer
from the album Pinkerton.
There's a great moment in one of my favorite films, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, where the narrator (Robert Downey Jr.) is talking about the author of a pulp crime serial, who is quoted as saying that his creations were just bullshit. RDJr responds to this sentiment bitterly: "What did he know; he was just some writer." That's how I feel about Pinkerton and about Rivers Cuomo selling his heart-on-sleeve paean down the river. You made yourself vulnerable and it was beautiful, dude. Deal with it. Yeah, songs like this one make you sound like a stalker, a sketch, even a misogynistic bastard--but that's the hard part about love. It's a bold statement, be proud of it.

12. Say Yes - Elliott Smith
from the album Either/Or.
Rob said he'd kill me if I didn't put this on... want to know a secret? I KIND OF DON'T BELIEVE HIM, BUT I LIKE THIS SONG ANYWAY. My roommate for the first two years of college would play this whenever he broke up/was falling for a girl. Somehow, it really does manage to capture both feelings. Also, and this is amazing, check out this quote from the Wikipedia article: "In an interview, Smith said that the song was written about 'someone particular and I almost never do that. I was really in love with someone.' It is also the greatest song ever written. Ever." If they said it, it's true!!!

11. Come On Up To The House - Tom Waits
from the album Mule Variations.
Far and away my favorite Tom Waits song. (And I have many, many runner-ups.) The album positively tornadoes upwards into "Come On Up to the House". Triumphant and yet damned, this is a shining moment in career full of shining moments. (Aaaah, I am talking about moments again!!! Why can't I be more like Rob and write about stuff I don't like! Um, here's one... rap skits! Como te fuck, man? Way to break up the flow of your album with "humor"... it is in quotes because it's actual funniness-content is dubious!)

10. Desolation Row - Bob Dylan
from the album Highway 61 Revisited.
This was my favorite song in the 8th grade. My mom made fun of me because it doesn't really make sense, but I didn't listen. Like a lot of Dylan story-songs, he rambles through characters and images as though he's lost in a museum, but he sure isn't looking for the exit. You catch vague whiffs of an arc, you get the sense that you're supposed to identify with certain characters, but by the end, you don't really know what happened. What matters is that the song has happened to you; you are left living in some emotion.

9. Darkness on the Edge of Town - Bruce Springsteen
from the album Darkness on the Edge of Town.
I would listen to the Boss sing the phonebook. Actually, I bet that'd be amazing. "Adams, Amy... whoa-whoa-uh-oh! Adams, Andy... Andy and Amy... woo-oo-oh-oh!" But this song chilled me to the core when I heard it for the first time. It has all the escapist fantasy of "Thunder Road" and "Born to Run", but it's got a brutal defeatist streak, too. Perfect for night-time drives.

8. Rock N' Roll Suicide - David Bowie
from the album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.
Sometimes, this song is too painful to listen to, frankly. It peels all the braggadocio of the previous tracks and reveals a shaky, vulnerable Bowie/Ziggy, too famous to live, too young to die. This is what a good closing track should be, both a commentary and an expansion on the rest of the album. Here, it's perfectly executed.

7. Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements
from the album Tim.
Rob was telling me about how he thinks this should be the theme song for How I Met Your Mother and THEN it showed up in the season three finale. How is that for the universe speaking?! I was telling Eva earlier about what it's like to live in Buffalo, about high-schoolers drinking in parks, about the smart kids growing up and leaving, and the rest taking over the family businesses... about long weekend days spent in bars, thinking about being back in high-school, drinking in the park. Maybe this song should be the theme song for Buffalo.

6. Party For Your Right to Fight - Public Enemy
from the album It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.
What up, titular line. What up, battle-cry. This song is a call to arms. This song doesn't pause to crack wise or to ref the rapper's lyrical prowess, and the only names it drops are slain Black leaders. This song is determined to burn a message into the auditory cortex of the listener, and to prevent it from fading into obscurity as you go searching for the next tape to play.

5. This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads
from the album Speaking in Tongues.
So, you might be wondering, "Hey Peter, why is your favorite song number five and not number one?" Thanks for asking, faceless internet person! Well, I don't know. What I do know is that this a seriously sick top five. Is there a better portrait of longing than the lines "I'm just an animal looking for a home / Share the same space for a minute or two"? Well, sure, maybe you could find one, but goddamn, that's timeless.

4. You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones
from the album Let It Bleed.
This is hardly just a song anymore. I can't listen to it without seeing that scene in The Big Chill, the subsequent discussion in High Fidelity, the opening/closing scenes of Californication, or, y'know, every time someone says "you can't always get what you want." But stripped away from all of that, this is song, in its heart of hearts, is still a fucking carnival. It's such a simple sentiment, but it still manages to be both a tribute and a death-knell to the 1960s. The party's over, the 70s are here, the war is still on, we've got each other, and yet...

3. Two Headed Boy, Pt. 2 - Neutral Milk Hotel
from the album In the Aeroplane Over The Sea.
I know a guy who can only listen to this album once a year. I have to say, I totally understand. Most of the album is obscured by a Dylanesque haze of half-images and amorphous narrative, with modest smatterings of WWII/Anne Frank references and then, all of a sudden, out tumbles the closer. I don't want to break it down too elementally and miss the beauty of the forest, here... but just take a look at the closing lines of the last three verses: "I’m still wanting my face on your cheek", "God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life", "But don’t hate her when she gets up to leave"... in the midst of the other (sometimes inexplicable) imagery, here are perfectly condensed statements on the truest pains/pleasures of life: love and loss, faith and disillusionment, companionship and loneliness. I know I'm not saying anything new, but when you listen to this song, especially when it follows the other ten tracks, you will need a moment to recuperate.

2. A Day in the Life - The Beatles
from the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
On any other list, this would probably be number one. This was my first favorite Beatles song. Unfortunately for those guys, I am a bigger Pavement fan than I am a Beatles fan. (Sorry, America!)

1. Fillmore Jive - Pavement
from the album Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.
When I get to the end of an album and things kind of fall flat, I usually think to myself, "Well, they can't all be Fillmore Jives." I sincerely hope I'm not stealing that from somewhere, because I really, really like it. I heard this song for the first time while sitting in the back row of a bio class in a big, collegiate lecture hall. (Shame on me for not getting to this sooner.) It is the first and only time I have ever cried during a lecture on gas exchange.

The Top 9 Events That Should Be Dropped From the Olympic Games

Well, after Rob's previous post, this one was sort of inevitable. It doesn't have quite as much vitriol, but goddamnit, I would take Tug of War over any of these.

9. Modern pentathalon
The casserole of Olympic sports. It sounds like it was created by someone on a combination of amphetamines and goofballs. "Ungggggh... we're gonna have running. And swimming? I like water, water is so... watery. Yeah, let's have swimming. Also shooting! No, no shooting, shooting is scary! Wait, I like scary! They can shoot. But also swords! Swords are the best! Do you ever just like, think about kinghts! There were fucking knights once! Um um um um um also riding horses just 'cause this one time I was at my aunt's farm and there was this one horse..." It's not as though running, riding, shooting, swimming, and fencing don't appear in the Games. Redundancy does not equal glory.

8. Handball
I love handball. I love watching the old Filipino dudes in Ramon Aponte Park, I love reminiscing about my slightly pathetic backyard solo-handball days (where I played against myself AND did play-by-play)... I think this is a sweet idea of a sport. Kinda like how I thought The Prestige was a sweet IDEA of a movie. I wanted to give it first-tier credit, but... well... I couldn't. I loved it elementally, but I just... didn't like it. I'm not saying it isn't a sport. I'm just saying that I was really good at backyard solo-handball and I don't consider myself to be an Olympian.

7. Sailing, all kinds
This is a slippery slope, my friends. When you're on a bike, you're doing most of the physical work. The force exerted by the cyclists legs is converted into rotational energy. Awesome. But there's no energy conversion that goes into moving a sailboat from Port A to Port B. Oh, sure, there's probably cunning and guile and fearlessness involved... but so too in Madden or Warcraft. More importantly, we don't want to get to the point where NASCAR-style stockcar racing is an Olympic event. When you minimize the human element, you delegitamize the sport. Plus, this is easily the most classist event. Best (ie, most 'spensive) boat wins. EFF THAT. I'm a populist at heart. Rotational energy >> the almighty dollar.

6. Steeplechase
Hahahahah, cool, an obstacle course! Lookit. I used to make obstacle courses at my friends' houses in grade-school and race them for their toys. (It would seem that my major criterion for whether or not something is an Olympics-worthy sport is if I did it during my reckless youth.) I won a whole bunch of Happy Meal Toys and even a few Star Wars action figures, but no friggin' gold medals. ALSO, if you wikipedia Steeplechase, you'll note that it is named after a horse-racing event. (Also a competitive dog agility event.) Awesome, we owe this event to horses and agile dogs.

5. 50m Rifle Prone
Let me preface this. I think shooting at things is a great idea, provided that they are a) made of clay or corkboard or b) defenseless, tasty animals. However, the concept of needless challenge annoys me, and that's my general beef with Rifle Prone. "Oh! The 100m Fly is hard, but let's put one ornery barracuda in the pool and see how tough that is!" NO! Shooting at a target fifty meters away while your belly is kissing the dirt sounds really, really hard. But not in a deserving way, more like a "this time could have been better spent on something less militaristic, like rugby, for instance" way.

4. Field hockey
I'm sure this is a noble and difficult sport. I'm sure these are ridiculous athletes and that they are treated like semi-royalty in their homelands. (Y'know... the Pseudo-Prince of New Zealand and such.) But to be totally honest, this event is the biggest tease of the Olympics. You can't just take a beautiful thing, stick it in a field, trade in pads for shorts, and expect it to be engaging. Field bobsled? Field water polo? Field cake? Bullshit. Just give me the cake, Olympic Guys.

3. BMX
We already have the X-Games. We already DON'T WATCH the X-Games. Please, please, please don't let this keep happening. I sincerely don't want to turn on the London Games and see some freckle-faced redhead named Slade competing in the Big Air Skateboarding Final. Then again... what other country is going to bother competing in this travesty of an event. I've changed my own mind! Bring on the free medals, bitches!

2. Table tennis
If you're at summer camp and it's rec time or, I dunno, if you're trying to mend relations with a distant, Communist superpower, table tennis is a fantastic pursuit. If you're a really iconoclastic frat boy and beer-pong is too gauche for your taste, go ahead, get out the paddles and use that table as God intended you to. But if you're an Olympian in the sport of table tennis... man, I just don't know what to say to you. I feel like this was created just to set up an Apatow movie. There's some shlubby gold-medalist ping-ponger at some bar in the Olympic Village, some gymnast babe comes up to him and goes, "What's your sport?" He says table tennis, but it's so loud, she only hears tennis. Later, they make Olympic love, but in the morning, when she finds out he's not exactly Pete Sampras, she runs off without leaving her number. It's gonna take his wacky partner, his wackier coach, and the American Dream to make it work!

1. Trampoline
This is the Table Tennis Defense times infinity. Anything that can be done drunk behind a frathouse does not qualify as an Olympic event. I KNOW you can do cool tricks on a trampoline. We all remember Bobby McFlashy doing flips at our 9th birthday party at the YMCA. What happened to Bobby McFlashy? He mixed Pixie Sticks and Ecto Cooler and missed the trampoline on his ultra-super-mega-triple-flip, smacking his head on an errant, rusty towel rack. Now he folds towels for the very same Y and calls everyone who talks to him "Mr. Dennis." PS: This event is so lame that it doesn't even fall under the category of "Rhythmic Gymnastics" (aka Ribbon Dancing).