Top 124 Sorta-Racist Questions People Are Asking on the Internet

A friend discovered this recently, so I can't take the credit for it, but it sure is a fun game.  Go to www.google.com (the actual main site), and type in "Why do ____"--filling in the blank with whatever nationality or ethnicity pleases you.  Google will be nice enough to provide you with a list of suggested searches--the most common questions asked of the internet about the group of people you picked.  It's like a trip inside the collective racist unconscious.  And boy, is it wacky!

We'll kick it off with the least likely to offend and go downhill from there.

124-115. Why do American...

Why do Americans drive on the right side of the road?

Why do Americans celebrate Thanksgiving?

Why do Americans work so much more than Europeans?

Why do Americans call football soccer?

Why do Americans act like that?

Why do Americans speak English?

Why do Americans drive on the right?

Why do Americans?

Why do Americans work more than Europeans?

Why do Americans eat fast food?

114-105. Why do white...

Why do white people smell like wet dogs?

Why do white women like black men?

Why do white guys like Asian girls?

Why do white men like black women?

Why do white people rule the world?

Why do white women love black men?

Why do white men like Asian women?

Why do white girls date black guys?

Why do white people tan?

Why do white women want black men?

104-101. Why do French...

Why do French people smell?

Why do French fries taste so good?

Why do French women not get fat?

Why do French people stink?

100-91. Why do British...

Why do British people have bad teeth?

Why do British drive on the left?

Why do British lawyers wear wigs?

Why do British people have such bad teeth?

Why do British people say bloody?

Why do British drive on the left side?

Why do British people have crooked teeth?

Why do British people say zed?

Why do British people?

Why do British people say Happy Christmas?

90-81. Why do German...

Why do Germans like David Hasselhoff?

Why do Germans love David Hasselhoff?

Why do German shepherds whine?

Why do German shepherds howl?

Why do German women like black men?

Why do German women love black men?

Why do German beer steins have lids?

Why do Germans celebrate Oktoberfest?

Why do Germans call New Year Sylvester?

Why do Germans hide a pickle in the Christmas tree?

80-75. Why do Russian...

Why do Russians drink vodka?

Why do Russian women want American men?

Why do Russians celebrate Christmas?

Why do Russians look Asian?

Why do Russian women want to leave Russia?

Why do Russians like vodka?

74-65. Why do Asian...

Why do Asians have slanted eyes?

Why do Asian girls like white guys?

Why do Asians turn red when they drink?

Why do Asians have squinty eyes?

Why do Asians look the same?

Why do Asians have flat faces?

Why do Asians have different eyes?

Why do Asians have slanted eyes?

Why do Asians have slanty eyes?

Why do Asians wear surgical masks?

64-55. Why do Chinese...

Why do Chinese have slanted eyes?

Why do Chinese people have small eyes?

Why do Chinese people celebrate Chinese New Year?

Why do Chinese use chopsticks?

Why do Chinese eat dogs?

Why do Chinese people smell?

Why do Chinese celebrate Chinese New Year?

Why do Chinese men eat more rice than Japanese men?

Why do Chinese women stay so thin?

Why do Chinese people have bad breath?

54-45. Why do Japanese...

Why do Japanese hunt whales?

Why do Japanese wear masks?

Why do Japanese have bad teeth?

Why do Japanese people have bad teeth?

Why do Japanese live longer?

Why do Japanese live so long?

Why do Japanese bow?

Why do Japanese people wear face masks?

Why do Japanese have slanted eyes?

Why do Japanese girls have bad teeth?

44-37. Why do Korean...

Why do Koreans say fighting?

Why do Koreans use metal chopsticks?

Why do Koreans love Starcraft?

Why do Koreans eat dog?

Why do Koreans have big heads?

Why do Koreans have good skin?

Why do Koreans bow?

Why do Koreans have small eyes?

36-31. Why do Latino...

Why do Latinos immigrate to the United States?

Why do Latinos join gangs?

Why do Latino men cheat?

Why do Latino immigrants come to America?

Why do Latinos drop out of school?

40-31. Why do Mexican...

Why do Mexicans come to America?

Why do Mexicans have so many kids?

Why do Mexican jumping beans jump?

Why do Mexicans speak Spanish?

Why do Mexicans?

Why do Mexicans come to the United States?

Why do Mexicans stare?

Why do Mexicans park their cars on the front lawn?

Why do Mexicans leave Mexico?

Why do Mexicans immigrate?

30-21. Why do black...

Why do black people have big lips?

Why do black men like white women?

Why do black people say aks?

Why do black women have big bums?

Why do black guys like white girls?

Why do black men love white women?

Why do black people have nappy hair?

Why do black people like watermelon?

Why do black people have white palms?

Why do black men like fat women?

20-11. Why do Indian...

Why do Indians smell?

Why do Indians smell bad?

Why do Indians stink?

Why do Indian people smell?

Why do Indians have red dots?

Why do Indians eat with their hands?

Why do Indians wear turbans?

Why do Indians smell like curry?

Why do Indians have dots on their heads?

Why do Indian people stink?

10-1. Why do Arab...

Why do Arabs smell bad?

Why do Arabs and Jews fight?

Why do Arabs throw shoes?

Why do Arabs throw rocks?

Why do Arabs wear turbans?

Why do Arab women wear veils?

Why do Arabs lose wars?

Why do Arabs smell?

Why do Arabs have big noses?

Why do Arabs and Israelis fight?

WELL, if there's anything I've learned from all this, it's that no matter what race or nationality you are, someone thinks you smell!

Top 11 Things People Have Searched to Find This Blog

I started using Google Analytics recently, and good Lord, is it fun.  Here are some things people have actually, seriously searched to find this site.  I didn't put things in quotes unless the search terms used quotes, just to be clear.

11. fake mensa acceptance letter

If you want to impress your friends by doctoring an acceptance letter to pretend you got into Mensa, wouldn't it make sense to search for a real Mensa acceptance letter, not a fake one?

10. gordon bombay loafers

Somebody wants to be styyyyyyyyyyyyyylin'!

9. things you can smell in cuba

I don't even know what to say about this.  Other than how much I love the idea that wherever you are in Cuba, there are certain things you can always smell.  I hope one of them is "Fidel's body."

8. brian dennehy asshole

Either this person was involved in an argument with a friend about whether or not Brian Dennehy is an asshole--then subsequently Googled to find evidence for their side--or they just want pictures of Brian Dennehy's asshole.

7. cool things to do with grilled cheese

Dude, just eat it.

6. yukon trail minigame cards

All I have to say about this one is: good Lord, I hope you found them.

5. "i want to make love right now" song

I know that this person was probably Googling lyrics, but I prefer to imagine that it's some really pathetic guy who is trying to find a song he can put on and it will magically turn girls into sex machines.

4. "casey affleck" rubbing

Ew.

3. "i hate chuck palahniuk"

Right on, brother.

2. "peter you're a fool"

Right on, brother.

1. "hangin' preps, no regrets"

Man, this shit has been Googled TWELVE TIMES in order to get to this site!  It's the fifth most-Googled thing that lands people on here.  Yeah, that's right, guys, "hangin' preps, no regrets" is sweet-ass slang and it started HERE.  So far this slang term has spread all the way to at least TWELVE people, and it's still going strong!  Tell your friends!

NOTE: In a few weeks, I'll be doing another list like this to recap what new searches are happenin', and our succes with "hangin' preps, no regrets" will be going on with meatbone only x10000.  Just you wait and see.  Just you wait and see.

Top 17 Google Trend Searches

Oh my gosh, you guys! Google Trends is the best thing of all time. Better than the suicide squeeze, Cat's Cradle, the penalty shot, and The Departed.

Pick two things! See which is better, according to Google! Solve century-long arguments! YEAH! Graphs and commentary below each pairing!

17. Cleveland vs. Buffalo
(Buffalo in blue, Cleveland in red.)Sorry Michael Marlin, it looks like my hometown just barely edges out yours for the title of Less Sucky Great Lakes Shore City. Oh, sure, the so-called Mistake by the Lake came on strong with a surge in late 2007, but the City of No Illusions is just too earthy and industrial to stay down for long.

16. Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. A Tank
(T-Rex in blue, tank in red.)One of the kids at the end of Multiplicity asks Andie MacDowell which of these too arch-rivals would win in a fight. Looks like now we know. Of course, a more worthwhile battle would be a T-Rex PLUS a tank vs. Andie MacDowell.

15. Nessie vs. Bigfoot
(Nessie in red, Bigfoot in blue.)DUDES, what is this Bigfoot spike in August of 2008. Did they find Bigfoot? Somebody tell me! What do the internets know that I don't!

14. Bros vs. Hoes
(Bros in blue, hoes in red.)
This doesn't really prove that Bros come before Hoes ordinally or chronologically, but they certainly do trump them as far as internet popularity.

13. Chicks vs. Dicks
(Dicks in red, chicks in blue.)Now, see, if you're gonna bite our credo, at least live up to it, ladies. Don't worry, it's a small margin, y'all can catch up. PS, what is with these incredibly robust "dick" surges in December. The holidays sure are lonely for some folks.

12. The Beatles vs. Jesus
(Jesus in blue, The Beatles in red.)
Sorry, John. Two of you were martyred, but only one rose from the dead. You may be the Walrus, but he's our Lord and Savior. Or, I mean, he might be. He could just have been a prophet. Or a nice guy who handed out food and had good things to say about lepers. THE CHOICES ARE YOURS AND YOURS ALONE.

11. Bears vs. Stephen Colbert
(Bears in blue, Stephen Colbert in red)
Oh... oh, no. Oh, no, Mr. Colbert. It seems that you are not doing enough to get the word out that bears are the number one threat to America. By the way, not only were you trounced by bears, but you probably don't want to see the results of Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart.

10. Burn out vs. Fade away
(Burn out in blue, fade away in red.)Neil Young's timeless question is finally answered.

9. Bacon vs. Jews
(Bacon in blue, Jews in red.)Despite a crazy-high Jewish spike in November-December of 2004, bacon squeaks out a win against its arch-rival, the Jewish faith. Also, a while ago, a guy told me about an alarm clock that can MAKE bacon. If you guys get on an alarm clock that can read the Torah, MAYBE I'll convert!

8. Michael Phelps vs. Shark
(Michael Phelps in red, sharks in blue.)After I commented in my post on Olympic sports that should be banned that throwing a barracuda in the 100m Fly wouldn't improve the sport, I got to thinking... "Sure, it wouldn't improve things, but how would Michael Phelps fare against a blood-thirsty, icthyian predator?" Not too well, apparently... prior to the 8 golds, at least.

7. Millard Fillmore vs. Rutherford B. Hayes
(Fillmore in blue, Hayes in red.)H'okay. So, I've been having a little debate with Lakshmi about these two guys. A cursory look at the data would suggest that my guy, Millard Fillmore, is the horse to bet on. Yes, Rutherford B. Hayes had a hot wife named Lemonade Lucy. Yes, the Ruth was the first prez to have a typewriter installed in the White House. Yes, my friends in high school called my dad Rutherford because he bore a certain presidential resemblance. However, Google Trends shows Millard Fillmore coming out on top. HOW-EVAH. The number one featured article that it lists reads, and I quote, "Is Millard Fillmore the country's least remembered president?" Yeah, I get it. You win, babe.

6. Love vs. Sex
(Love in blue, sex in red.)Well, what'd you expect. Other than list-blogs and the greatest website ever, Qwantz.com, that's pretty much all there is on the internet. A few notes, however... checking the comparisons by region, it would appear that India has WAY to much sex on its national mind; also, to all the good folks in Makati, the Phillipines... we salute you for preferring love to sex! You too, Tagalog speakers. (Not so much for you, Poles.) Also, here's a wonderful headline... Wolves trade Mayo to Memphis for Love. Forget about OJ Mayo and Kevin Love, even though they may be two of the best players to come out of this year's NBA draft (please please please, Kevin Love, resurrect my Minnesota Timberwolves, and in turn, my love of basketball). Reconsider that sentence... Wolves trade mayo to Memphis for love. HAHAHA! Condiments for emotions! That is wacky!

5. Life vs. Death
(Life in blue, death in red.)Way to go, Life! You're still the better option, according to Google.

4. To Be vs. Not To Be
(To Be in blue, Not To Be in red.)
If Hamlet had had Google, that shit would have been settled without a lengthy, overrated soliloquy. JK JK JKROWLING BILL SHAKES I LUV U!

3. Rob vs. Peter
(Peter in red, Rob in blue.)Hah! Eat it, Trump. Here's the thing, though... when notified of the defeat, Rob immediately directed me to a Google Trends search for Robert vs. Peter and his appellation was the winner by a hair. So... y'know... inconclusive.

2. Baseball vs. Cuddling
(Baseball in blue, cuddling in red.)Oh, snap! Cuddling barely registers! Whatever, I think cuddling is cool. Maybe not as cool as America's pastime, but, no big deal. Check out the ridiculously regular pattern for baseball. That little bump in December, that June-July peak, the obvious World Series spike in October... way to be consistent, beisbol!

1. Sandwich vs. Soup
(Soup in red, sandwich in blue.)Frankly, I like sandwiches more, but, fine. What amazes me is the seasonal soup popularity fluctuation! I mean, I guess soup is more popular in the winter, but... wow, that is a significant effect! Also, according to the city-by-city data, Minneapolis is Souptown, USA! Ah, to be a Minnesotan soup-merchant in winter. PS: Soup is popular when baseball isn't! Conspiracy? CONSPIRACY! THE ALCS WAS AN INSIDE JOB! DEMAND THE TRUTH FROM CAMPBELL'S!