Top 19 Things People Have Searched to Find this Blog, Pt. 2

Thanks again, Google Analytics! And thank you, creepy and possibly illiterate internet users! And thank you, Rob Trump, for the last time you did a list like this!

19. "10 most important equations (funny)"
This person was so goddamn sick of unfunny important equations.

18. "10 stages of the end of the world"
I suppose that if the internet actually has this information, we're on step four or so by now.

17. "12 things a tramp does"
Clearly searched by a possible tramp who believes that tramping is a DSM-IV-type illness, and that satisfying 8 out of the 12 tramp-criteria labels you a tramp for life.

16. "dana bash, reptilian"
At least someone agrees with me!!!

15. "example of a satire about why i hate women"
The Internet: Your Number One Source in Prejudice Justification Since 1996!

14. "how 2 make some1 luv u in 1 sentence"
Looks like Prince is really setting his seduction-bar high.

13. "literary terms hey you!"
This person thought that Google had stopped paying attention to them.

12. "make lists peter"
Okay, fine! Jeez... I was away all weekend, give me a break. (Also, this is the same person from #13. Before searching this, the were just shouting it at their monitor. The computer wasn't even on.)

11. "make numbers interesting"
Same person as #'s 12 and 13... public education has a long, hard climb ahead.

10. "olmecs+how did they sleep"
On top of a pile of big stone faces! Ahahaha... I'll be here all week. (That is an understatement. I am a secret highlander. I'll be here all times. I shall never die.)

9. "peter and bob make lists"
Nope. Nice try, though.

8. similarities between me and...?
As advanced as Google has become, you've really gotta give it a little more than that.

7. "slang names for peter"
I've always gone with Admiral Dennis McFuntimes.

6. "the line noooo from mighty ducks"
The Mighty Ducks is the only movie to use the line "Noooo!" It's true. A few folks accused Troy of plagiarism, but it turns out that that "Noooooo!" had six o's.

5. "theoreticalmovie"
Laksh! Someone is on board with the concept you invented! Perhaps to further its notoriety, you should do a guest list of Theoretical Movies? (PS: Theoretical movies are obviously full of meatbones.)

4. "things people have to have to make it"
Clearly, internet access is not on the list.

3. "things sharks are made into"
Oh, gross people... there are so many of you in the world. Driving around in your shark cars and watching your shark TVs.

2. "what cryptid am i"
ATTENTION! THE CRYPTIDS HAVE OBTAINED THE INTERNET!!! ACTIVATE WIDESPREAD PANIC NOW!

1. "why did president norwood wilson make fourteen points"
WINNER! (And I'm totally writing a list of President Norwood Wilson's 14 Points now.)

Top 21 Things That Are Punk

Google Analytics has been a friggin' boon of list ideas, guys. Recently, someone searched "how to be punk" and landed on our site. Well, we at PaRMLoT are all about customer service. You wanted this list, so you got it!

That's right, it's time for a GOOGLE ANALYSTICS REQUEST LIST. (Also known as a GARL, I guess? Ew.)

21. Mom humor

Oh man. “Crappola”, “garbage” and “Target” pronounced with French affectations… moms are the best. I mean, so punk rock. Moms are so punk rock.

20. Holding hands

Human contact in general, really…

19. Canadian thanksgiving

What the heck, hosers! Thanksgiving in October? No formal connection to turkeys? A celebration of explorer Martin Frobisher not dying after failing to find the Northwest Passage? Ugh, PUNK.

18. Exposed brick and hardwood floors

You guys, my apartment is so punk rock.

17. Baco Bits

THEY ARE BACON BUT THEY ARE ALSO NOT BACON WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT.

16. The O.C. Season 2

You need to trust me here. Trust is also super-punk.

15. Polydactyl cats

Like my cat for instance. Yeti is so friggin’ punk, man. He’s always like, “You want me to stay off the table? EFF THAT, HUMANS.”

14. Vests

Listen up, sleeves. Y’all been made obsolete.

13. Tacit racism

Kinda punk, right?

12. Referendums

Direct democracy is so anti-establishment, even though it gives ultimate power to the majority. Hmm. THINK ON IT.

11. Putting dogs in sweaters

Look at that dog. He’s wearing people clothes. He’s practically people. Dogs aren’t people—but this one sure is trying. PAF, dude. Punk as fuck.

10. Country music

Dear everyone who hates on country without understanding what “country” is,

You are anti-punk. Country is my brother. We dine together at Canadian Thanksgiving. You can die now.

Hate, Punk

9. Grad school

Haha, nerds—looks like I’m applying to PUNK school this week.

8. Johnny Ramone, the one that became a Republican

Life imitates PUNK.

7. Transsexuals

The laws of nature have been given their due PUNK. (Surprisingly, the show Punk’d is so unpunk, it’s hilarious. We calculated it with science. It was hard.)

6. The Detroit Lions

0-12, baby. They don’t give a fuck and that is PUNK.

5. The sea

…has sharks in it. PUNK, OBV.

4. The unstoppable menace of time passing

Self-(PUNK)-explanatory.

3. Catchphrases

More like “Where’s the PUNK?!” (Answer: In advertising.)

2. Beethoven

9^th Symphony = PUNK BIBLE.

1. The “Circe” chapter of Ulysses

Oh, hello work of literature that has thus-far been a novel. This chapter is going to be in play-format. BIRTH OF PUNK.

Bottom 7 States in the U.S. that Have Yet to Visit This Blog

In classic two-sides-of-the-coin fashion, yesterday Peter lauded Edgewater, NJ, for having such excellent taste as to visit this blog with disproportionate frequency.  Today, I return to Google Analytics data to give a hearty "fuck you" to the 7 states that have not yet known us.  And yeah, we're pretty awesome for reaching the 43 others.  And yeah, I realize that I'm insulting states that have not actually rejected us, but rather not discovered us yet.  And yeah, I realize that I'm insulting states.

7. Mississippi

Well, you're where the river ends, aren't you?  Yeah, you suck.  For not coming to our blog.  This list is going to be aggressive, okay?

6. Delaware

Oh, the "first state"? Congratulations.  You are also the first shitty state.

5. South Dakota

You're like North Dakota, but with ONE notable attraction!  Instead of zero!

4. Idaho

In addition to producing the dumbest high-school joke ever ("you da ho--I da ho!") you are also filled with disgusting potatos.  Potatos are like food but shitty.

3. Wyoming

Really?  Wyoming?  What cartographical error made you a state?

2. Utah

Here's a recent development that I love: blaming the passing of Prop 8 not on black people but instead on the Mormon church, which is so much more eminentely hateable.  Supposedly, Mormons raised at least $20 million and made up 80 to 90 percent of people in California who knocked on doors to try to ensure Prop 8's passing.  I don't know why I'm discussing this at such length, because I all really want to get to is this: fuck Mormons.  I hate Mormons.  They think Jesus came to America.  That's stupid.  Fuck Mormons hard.

1. Montana

Here's a fact: 6 of the 7 states that haven't visited us so far are states that went to McCain in this most recent presidential election.  So...I'm not just trying to stake our claim to being liberal elite bloggers who are "just writin' garbage" about Sarah Palin, but yeah, Peter and I are basically both LIEberals, which are I guess people who lie about being liberals?  I'm pretty bad at getting what puns mean.  In conclusion, if you are from Montana, I hate you and goodnight.

12 Great Facts About Edgewater, New Jersey

So Rob and I are big nerds and we've become rather fond of checking our blog's Google Analytics stats daily. One awesome thing that I noticed the other day was that 105 people from Edgewater, NJ have visited our site since November 3rd! (Or, ya know, maybe not 105 people exactly... but there were 105 individual visits, so... that's cool, too!) Anyway, we thought it would be nice to honor the Borough of Edgewater with a list-sized shout-out! (Note to other towns... you too can be e-shouted at, just tell your friggin' friends about us!)

12. Formed as a result of “boroughitis”, which, according to ol’ Wiki-peeds was “a political phenomenon that spread throughout [Jerz] in the late 19th century, which led groups of residents to unite to form boroughs from within [their townships]”… A) That’s so American, which I salute, and B) Boroughitis = the inflammation of a borough? Dudes, that term both misrepresents the phenomenon and makes me feel weird.

11. Edgewater, NJ is 2.4 square miles large—and 1.6 of those square miles are water! That means Edgewater is only .9 square miles big! That’s so tiny and adorable! (Eds. note: Rob, you are right that the arithmetic is wrong here, but it is Wikipedia's arithmetic, not mine. Therefore, it is the God's honest truth!!! Although, potentially, it means that Edgewater is actually .8 square miles large, which is even better!)

10. Edgewater, NJ has a population of 9,582—that means that its population density (counting only parts of Edgewater that are made up of land) is actually greater than its population! AAAAH! I want to high-five or hug all 9,582 of you!

9. Edgewater, NJ used to be called “Undercliff”… UPGRADE!

8. 49.7% of registered voters in Edgewater are Democrats… plus, they voted for Barack Obama over John McCain by a margin of 67.9% to 31.1% Yes, you did!

7. Safe to say, there isn’t much of a Republican presence in Edgewater, but they do have their own awesome novelty party—The Independent Coalition for a Better Edgewater! As far as I know, Edgewater’s pretty great already, but hey! It couldn’t hurt! (Incidentally, "novelty party" sounds like theme party! Oh man! Let's throw a huge, Edgewater-wide theme party! The theme is... Edgewater Pride--I'll go as myself, 'cause I'm so goddamn proud of y'all.)

6. Edgewater has a Japantown! Like Chinatown, but tinier and with cuter babies! (AKA: Like China, but tinier and with cuter babies!)

5. What?! Edgewater has amazing current/former residents! Like famous New York Yankees Robinson Cano and Chien-Ming Wang!

4. And John Sterling, the voice of the Yankees! (As in, "Yankees win! Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees win!")

3. And musical artists JoJo and Amerie! (Okay, I don’t know who those people are, but I’m sure they do Edgewater proud.)

2. BUT BUT BUT WHAAAAT: Q-Tip!?! The frontman of critically and popularly acclaimed hip hop group A Tribe Called Quest?!!? EDGEWATER, NEW JERSEY I LOVE YOU MORE THAN FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS AND HOCKEY!!! (Okay, fine, you are a super-close third but don’t even feel bad about that, dudes!)

1. How can Edgewater get any better than Q-Tip? I’ll tell you! Edgewater, NJ is the Official Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things Town of the Week!

Top 11 Things People Have Searched to Find This Blog

I started using Google Analytics recently, and good Lord, is it fun.  Here are some things people have actually, seriously searched to find this site.  I didn't put things in quotes unless the search terms used quotes, just to be clear.

11. fake mensa acceptance letter

If you want to impress your friends by doctoring an acceptance letter to pretend you got into Mensa, wouldn't it make sense to search for a real Mensa acceptance letter, not a fake one?

10. gordon bombay loafers

Somebody wants to be styyyyyyyyyyyyyylin'!

9. things you can smell in cuba

I don't even know what to say about this.  Other than how much I love the idea that wherever you are in Cuba, there are certain things you can always smell.  I hope one of them is "Fidel's body."

8. brian dennehy asshole

Either this person was involved in an argument with a friend about whether or not Brian Dennehy is an asshole--then subsequently Googled to find evidence for their side--or they just want pictures of Brian Dennehy's asshole.

7. cool things to do with grilled cheese

Dude, just eat it.

6. yukon trail minigame cards

All I have to say about this one is: good Lord, I hope you found them.

5. "i want to make love right now" song

I know that this person was probably Googling lyrics, but I prefer to imagine that it's some really pathetic guy who is trying to find a song he can put on and it will magically turn girls into sex machines.

4. "casey affleck" rubbing

Ew.

3. "i hate chuck palahniuk"

Right on, brother.

2. "peter you're a fool"

Right on, brother.

1. "hangin' preps, no regrets"

Man, this shit has been Googled TWELVE TIMES in order to get to this site!  It's the fifth most-Googled thing that lands people on here.  Yeah, that's right, guys, "hangin' preps, no regrets" is sweet-ass slang and it started HERE.  So far this slang term has spread all the way to at least TWELVE people, and it's still going strong!  Tell your friends!

NOTE: In a few weeks, I'll be doing another list like this to recap what new searches are happenin', and our succes with "hangin' preps, no regrets" will be going on with meatbone only x10000.  Just you wait and see.  Just you wait and see.