Top 6 Lines of Criticism that I Find Stupid

Like most irritable, pretentious jerks, I read a pretty good amount of criticism--especially criticism of newly-released movies, books, and TV shows. Sometimes I find it enlightening, sometimes I find it engaging but disagree with it, and sometimes it makes me really, really angry. Mostly, it makes me angry when one of the following happens:

6. Defending something by saying, "You couldn't have done better."

Okay, this isn't something that any professional critics actually say, so I'm starting off with it. I don't know who came up with the ridiculous idea that you have to be good at something in order to recognize when it's terrible, but that person is terrible at coming up with critical ideas (and I'm no good either). Do you have to be Steven Speilberg to know that the movie Bride Wars is terrible? Do you even have to see the movie Bride Wars in order to know that Bride Wars is terrible? Or even better is extrapolating this to other things: can only the greatest rodeo clown tell you when a rodeo clown is terrible? Do you have to be an excellent prop comic in order to find this incredibly unfunny?

(P.S. If you are going to claim that there is no such thing as an excellent prop comic, you are wrong)

5. Praising a movie/show/book for "subverting convention"

There are times when "subverting convention" can be good--if a joke or situation is well set-up to resolve in a more realistic or different way than it frequently would in fiction. But I think it's often really much lazier to defy fictional convention for the sake of defying it--there's a reason that, say, the original ending of Clerks (with Dante getting shot for no reason) is unsatisfying and stupid, and it's the same reason why the two main characters HAVE to get together at the end of Eternal Sunshine, and that's the same reason why episodes of The Sarah Silverman Program feel pointlessly nihilistic at their end whereas How I Met Your Mother provides normalcy and relative closure. Convention, especially in structure, is there in the first place because it usually dictates good storytelling. Altering it doesn't mean you're doing something good, and it often means you're doing something bad.

4. Turning a critical essay into a showcase for the critic's own intelligence and humor

I'll admit, I do this sometimes. But I don't have any pretensions to being a real critical source, and the few things I've ever written with the intent of being a real, critical article (rather than something for yuks), I try to avoid self-indulgent jokery. The buzzword for this kind of stuff is "snark," and I would say that this excellent essay by Heidi Julavits is about the first and last thing that needs to be read on the subject.

3. Praising comedy as meaningful for its dramatic elements

This is one that REALLY gets me. There is some cultural value that we place on things only when they are dramatically weighty, and as a result, we get reviews for things like Superbad that say something like, "It's often hilarious, but what really makes Superbad a great movie is the friendship between the two main characters." I'm paraphrasing, but you get my point. Yes, Superbad is hilarious. Yes, it has an honest and positive depiction of male friendship. But why is it the latter that makes it great? Doesn't the latter serve the former rather than the other way around? Why do reviewers thing something is inherently meaningful when it tugs at their heartstrings but not when it makes them laugh?

2. Reviews where "judgment" is passed definitively, but only in the last sentence or two

The purpose of criticism should be to identify the audience that would enjoy a movie, let the members of that audience know that they would, and let those who wouldn't know that they wouldn't. That's easier said than done, but it's often not even attempted, especially with criticism written by non-professionals (read: students). I can't tell you how amateur reviews I've seen that consist of 1) three sentences of plot summary 2) one "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" sentence of passing judgment.

1. Criticizing a work for the possibility of it being misunderstood

Okay, this is the reason I wrote this list. I saw Bruno yesterday. It's great, well worth seeing, and I personally liked it a whole ton more than Borat for reasons that don't need to appear on this list. But while Googling criticism of it online, there was one anti-Bruno refrain that I found troubling: "What if the people watching and interacting with Bruno don't understand that the vast majority of gay people are nothing like that?"

This is, to me, a wholly worthless line of thought. Should Sacha Baron Cohen stop doing Bruno for fear that people might not get that it's an absurdly cartoony characterization? Should we include title cards that explain the "real" meaning of what someone is doing? Should we stop making any sort of art for fear that it might be misunderstood? If you can argue that Baron Cohen shouldn't have made Bruno because it might be fodder for homophobes, it's a slippery slope down to arguing that Saving Private Ryan shouldn't have been made because it could be seen as glorifying war, or that Huck Finn shouldn't have been written because it can be completely misread to be seen as endorsing racism. If Baron Cohen had stopped himself from creating something as intelligent, hilarious, daring, and deep as Bruno because he was worried about making bigoted people more bigoted, the world would've lost a great movie.

54 "Band Interests" of Asher Roth, According to his Facebook Page

Dear The World,

If you haven't heard of Asher Roth yet, please prepare to meet the worst human being alive.  Are you mentally ready yet?  Okay, here he is: no embedding, so click here.

I have some difficulties expressing exactly what disgusts me so wholly about Asher Roth, though I will attempt in a future post.  Until then, please enjoy this vomit-inducing list of Asher's "band interests" on Facebook.  I'm fairly certain that this is actually just a list of everything he has ever heard of.

1. happiness

2. health

3. 70 and sunny

4. good weed

5. good people

6. mario 3

7. water

8. breathing

9. walks

10. naps

11. starting chants

12. rock paper scissors

13. seeing

14. doing

15. making up words

16. people watching

17. dreaming

18. psychoanalysis

19. space

20. gambling

21. 4 am

22. battle dances

23. watching people hurt themselves

24. scares

25. teleporting

26. not paying attention

27. coincidences

28. pick up lines

29. hiding the fact that I'm a rapper

30. 11:11

31. trying to meditate

32. green tea

33. soft boiled eggs

34. making out

35. booty

36. cleavage

37. intelligent conversations

38. dares

39. patron shots

40. jack and ginger

41. singles up the middle

42. not washing jeans for months

43. 3 move checkmate

44. manipulation/mind control

45. turkey salsalito

46. mtv jams

47. ehonda's 100 hand slap

48. cloning

49. lunar/solar eclipses

50. prank calls

51. ruining pictures

52. smoothies

53. making vulgar rap songs

54. breakfast

The existence of 35-37 alone, whether or not it was intentionally ironic, should be enough to legally put this man to death.  Also, everything else.  Though I admit that I agree with 23 if that "people" is Asher Roth, and he hurts himself in a way that horribly disfigures him forever.  No thanks to Lauren Glover, who discovered this abomination of a found art trainwreck.

Top 15 Reasons Why I Love Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is the best!  The best part of it is how everyone can agree that it's great.  Here are a few of my reasons:

15. I have a girlfriend.

14. I have a girlfriend.

13. Haha, seriously, I have a girlfriend.

12. I guess I could sort of understand why you wouldn't like Valentine's Day if you didn't have a girlfriend, or whatever, but I do.

11. Did you read that? I have a girlfriend.

10. A great part about Valentine's Day is having a girlfriend.

9. I might do something with my girlfriend later.

8. Since I have one.

7. I have a girlfriend.

6. Seriously, though, if you don't, do you really have to take it out on the rest of us happy people with your pointless bitching about how Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday and blah blah blah and it reminds you how you're sad and alone and blah blah blah shut up

5. I don't want to hear your crap because I have a girlfriend.

4. I.

3. Have.

2. A.

1. Girlfriend.

Top 12 Lowest Forms of Humor

I've thought about writing this a bunch of times, but usually dismissed it as too pretentious and self-righteous.  Well, I don't have any other ideas today, so here goes.

12. Ethnic humor

One of the more obvious candidates as a low form of humor is the mocking of certain ethnicities, usually limited to condescending, unfunny accents or punchlines about the Polish, but sometimes into the realm of outright xenophobia and racism.  (There's a British comic whose material is actually largely about how much he hates the immigrants who work in various stores he frequents--if I could remember his name, I'd link him so you could be amazed that someone like that hasn't been ripped to shreds yet.)  Anyway, this one comes in at the end, because in circles of largely intelligent people, it's pretty-well stamped out, or at least the worst forms of it are.

NOTE: Humor about race or racism isn't necessarily "ethnic humor," and if it's funny, it probably isn't.  I wouldn't consider, say, anything in the British Office to be ethnic humor--it's not about people fulfilling stereotypes, it's about people having racist attitudes.  Which is smart, not low.

11. "That character is so gay" humor

Kind of goes along with the above, but a lot more people are still willing to laugh at a line like, "Gay Bobby, you sure ate all those hot dogs fast!" even though it's no more intelligent than, "Black Bobby, you sure ate all that watermelon fast!"  For that reason, it's higher on the list than ethnic humor.  But just as low.  Or lower.

10. Jokes comparing vaginas to roast beef

I theorize that anyone who has ever made one of these has either never seen a vagina or never seen roast beef.  The latter seems unlikely, but I've heard women make these jokes, and I assume most of them have seen their own vaginas.  In any case, whatever tiny bit of truth there was to it in the first place, it's been so completely washed under thousands of jokes with this at the core that it's really, really unfunny now.

9. Michael Jackson jokes

You'd think these don't exist anymore, wouldn't you?  It's been so long since Michael Jackson been in any way in the spotlight that "Michael Jackson jokes" would seem to be kind of in the realm of "Monica Lewinsky jokes," where people are more likely to make fun of people making them than actually make them in earnest.  So why was there one in the Christmas episode of 30 Rock, the smartest show on TV?  (Kenneth: "Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since me and my brothers went to Neverland Ranch.")  Oof.  I have no fucking clue.

8. Jokes about how much spouses hate each other

Weirdly enough, I see this stuff show up nowadays in poorly-written college-kid stuff probably more often than I see it show up anywhere else.  Which is doubly weird, because it's the demographic least likely to have any sort of real relationship with it.  If your reference point for the relevence of a joke is The Honeymooners, you're probably a little out of touch.

7. Fake book titles with an author named Ima

Is this one too specific?  If so, please pick up How to Write a Better List Entry Next Time by Ima Pologetic.  Ima Nidiot.  Ima Gonna Killa Myselfa.

6. Unnecessarily dated pop culture references

I'm looking at YOU, Family Guy!  And Diablo Cody!  These jokes are dumber than Raphael in that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when he got hit by the stupid ray!  No?  Don't remember it?  That's because I just made it up!  It would be no less terrible of a joke if I didn't!

5. Straight dudes doing something that looks kinda gay

I'm not talking about stuff like the Seinfeld episode "The Outing," where George and Jerry farcically have an argument that is perceived as a couple's argument, then wrestle with their own insecurities.  I'm talking about stuff like the Seinfeld episode "The Doll," where Estelle Costanza walks in on her husband, Jerry, and the maestro playing pool without pants.  (Okay, so Seinfeld was around long enough to do a lot of bad things as well as basically every good thing.)  But seriously, what are we meant to think?  That they're embarrassed because, obviously, gay people play pool without pants all the time?  What the hell?  I think a lot of this humor is based on a mode of thinking that goes something like, "Well CLEARLY it would be extremely insulting to be thought of as gay, so let's laugh at them."  This crap idea also provided that atrocious "trying to get each other's hands untied" scene in Pineapple Express, an otherwise pretty good movie.

4. Jokes that vastly overestimate the power of drugs

"He smoked so much pot that he thought he was an airplane!  We managed to stop him before he took off on a nonstop flight for Denver!"  Pause for uproarious laughter from concerned parents, or someone else who believes that is in any way plausible.

3. "That's what she said."

You guys remember when The Office started doing this, but it was ironic, mocking Michael for being so stupid as to think that it was brilliant?  And then people who were fans of The Office started saying it a lot, but unironically?  Yeah, I don't get people.

2. "Come" puns

Similarly, I have no idea how anyone still laughs at something like, "Sorry you came late, but hey, at least you came, right?"  Bonus negative points and a warrant out on your head if you pair one of these with the above.

1. Dead baby jokes

This is probably the ultimate in fake-edgy humor.  Dead baby jokes are such an established humor trope that you are challenging absolutely nobody by telling one.  Haha, you can laugh at gross things, congratulations, you are so cool.  I will continue to laugh at funny things.

Top 8 Ways to Communicate Laughter on the Internet

8. simply typing "I just laughed"

Go communicate with something more your speed, old timer, like a telegraph.

7. "rofl" ("rolling on the floor laughing")

This one should be renamed "roflsstok" to stand for "rolling on the floor laughing and still somehow typing on the keyboard" to emphasize the more impressive part of it.

6. "kekekekekekeke ^_^"

Fuck you.

5. "lulz" or "lawl," etc. (slang versions of the already slang term "lol")

This is like that Robert-->Bob-->Bobby (or William-->Bill-->Billy) shit, and I don't like it one bit more.  I hate anyone who would choose to go by Bobby or Billy unless they are under 8 years old.  I might hate them anyway, but it would have to be for different reasons.  Anyway, "lulz" and its cousins are none too good.

4. "lmao" ("laughing my ass off")

I could get behind this more if people's asses actually flew off of them in a cartoony manner when they laughed hard enough.  Actually, it's more that I could just get behind a world like that.  So I could GET behind, but who knows if I could KEEP it, right?  Right?  Anyone?

This term is okay.

3. "hehehe"...(etc.)

I've been experimenting with this one lately and it's pretty fun.  I think it's for when something happens that doesn't really make you double over with laughter or whatever, but it's something comedic and you approve.  It's more like giggling.  Here is a good use on gchat:

Peter: [Big Lebowski reference]

Rob: hehehehehe B-)

2. "hahaha"...(etc.)

Onamatopoetic laughter.  Good, and adaptable, as shown above, but very high on keystroke count.

1. "lol" ("laughing out loud")

It's simple, straight, and to the point. "LOL" has been left so far behind that we often forget how useful it is.  Only three keystrokes, and the other person knows that you have indeed been bustin' gut.  Yes, it's been misused too often, and you should obviously never write something like "howz it hangin lol" but if you're not a fuckhead, you know that already.

It's also the only one of these with its own Wikipedia entry, which means it's special and better.

57 Things that Went Through My Head When I Read that Sarah Palin Was the Republican VP Nominee

In the style of this list, which was basically a way for me to cheat what is supposed to be a restrictive format (but ended up being one of my lists that I was happier with), I will present my real-time thoughts from today about McCain's VP nominee.

1. Really?
2. ...REALLY?
3. ...REALLY?!
4. He can't possibly think that Clinton supporters are that dumb, can he?
5. ...are they?
6. Okay, stop being a sexist asshole, Rob, maybe he picked her for non-obvious reasons.
7. Let's take a look at her political record. What is the best repository of accurate information?
8. Wikipedia.
9. I love the fact that I can think that with a straight face. This century rules.
11. This century rulez.
12. This century ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLZ.
13. Okay, Sarah Palin. Let's hope she isn't some "insultingly female" choice who conforms to standard outmoded notions of feminity.
14. In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla beauty contest, where she played the flute and won "Miss Congeniality."
15. Well, fuck. This isn't starting well.
16. Okay, well it's obviously not an attempt to swing Alaska, which he'll win.
17. Maybe even more of the Republican vote will go to Alaska now.
18. Maybe they will SUPER-WIN Alaska.
19. That would be pretty cool, right? If your party won some high percentage, like 80% of the vote in a state then...
20. 80% of your vote would go to the Electoral College?
21. Oh right, I just remembered that the Electoral College is retarded.
22. Nice one, Rob, rail against the Electoral College. Tough target, man. That's like challenging a manual burn victim to a thumb war.
23. Wow. Here is a direct copy/paste from Wikipedia: "Palin, when asked about Senator Clinton's complaints regarding her coverage by the press, said 'that doesn't do us any good, women in politics, women in general, wanting to progress this country...when I hear a statement like that from from any woman, I think that there is a perceived whine.'"
24. Oof.
25. Let's watch that video that is the source material.
26. Oh my God, she sounds like a jerk given that quotation, but she comes off as completely reasonable in the interview, and the words are obviously removed from context.
27. It's almost as if someone wrote that Wikipedia article intentionally to distort the issue.
28. She also said that she wanted a sports scholarship, but couldn't get one, so she did the beauty pageants to get a scholarship that way.
29. That is actually completely reasonable. I am at a loss.
30. Wikipedia has misrepresented things.
31. I might have to start taking Wikipedia with a grain of salt in the future.
32. ...HELL NAW JUST KIDDING WIKIPEDIA IS LAW
33. That is kinda bad, though.
34. She's still a weird choice.
35. It doesn't with jibe the "experience" stuff...
36. But it's not like the experience stuff wasn't stupid in the first place.
37. It's not actually because anyone really thinks offshore drilling is a serious issue in this election, is it? That would suck.
38. Anyone whose vote is affected by the "issue" of offshore drilling is missing parts of their brain.
39. It's on par with abortion and gay marriage as far as issues that people don't really have to be that informed on in order to have strong opinions.
40. HEY PEOPLE WHO DON'T GET ECONOMICS, THE GAS COMING FROM OUR COUNTRY ISN'T ACTUALLY GOING TO BE LESS EXPENSIVE UNLESS THERE'S ENOUGH TO SERIOUSLY AFFECT THE GLOBAL MARKET.
41. AND...
42. AND...
43. THERE ISN'T.
44. Hey, guess what was a bad idea, Rob? Doing a list related to politics, because it makes you a preachy unfunny asshole.
45. Which is how I am on every other list. Never mind.
46. I am going to finish that thought anyway, which is that the debate on offshore drilling is basically "I LIEK POLAR BARES" vs. "FILING UP F150 COST TOO MCUH," where the latter issue won't be affected and the former doesn't matter because the environment is gay anyway.
47. ...And the environment probably won't be affected, or whatever my "serious" reason on that one is.
48. Anyway, it's a stupid way for stupid people to reduce the economy to a stupid issue about stupid stupid stupidity.
49. Now I'm angry. Time to get a haircut.
50. I am now getting a haircut. I have thoughts very infrequently.
51. "Do I want my hair styled in a fauxhawk?" Just because that question is hilarious to ask as the first question after you are done cutting my hair, and because I'm a masochist who enjoys doing terrible things to himself, I am going to say, "Yes."
49. Good one Rob, now you look like an asshole.
50. That was something that obviously really happened today that I wanted to fit in here but I couldn't.
51. I am now breaking the rules of a format I created to break the rules of this blog. Maybe meta-ing everything out will fix it all.
53. Yep, it did.
54. Okay, people are infuriated because she's pro-life, blah blah, anti-gay, blah blah, well guess what? THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS CURRENTLY BOTH THOSE THINGS. Are you really that fucking surprised that McCain chose a Republican as his VP nom?
55. And seriously, she comes off as reasonable if wholly divergent from my political opinions, which is what I also think about McCain, so you know what? They're a nice match. Even if she is the same age as one of his daughters.
56. Maybe he picked her for a crass reason, since I can't really see why else, but honestly? She's not a bad choice, and I'd be happier with her as VP than I would with Tim Pawlenty, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, etc. etc.
57. Never do political lists again, Rob. That thing about your lame fauxhawk was the funniest part of this.

The 18 Most Overrated Musical Artists of the Last 18 Years

NOTE: I have excluded from this lists bands that have gotten semi-constant positive critical attention but that nobody who actually likes music likes (Coldplay, Green Day, Red Hot Chili Peppers, etc.). This is mostly because insulting those bands is obvious and wouldn't piss people off, and what's the point of making a list like this if it's not to piss people off?

18. Arctic Monkeys

I'm sick of people complaining about how "indie" isn't a genre of music. Yeah, I know that "indie" means "independent," and it refers to bands that aren't signed to a major label. But you're disabled if you haven't realized by now that "indie" has come to mean something else, a specific guitar-based rock band sound--a specific annoying as fuck guitar-based rock sound. Arctic Monkeys are one of the myriad bands to up the tempo of their generic indie rock sound and think that makes it dance music. It doesn't. You will never know, Arctic Monkeys, how I would look on the dancefloor, because I refuse to get on the dancefloor for your terrible attempt at dance music. Anyone who thinks that this is good dance music, you have never actually heard any good dance music. Or any dance music at all.

17. Why?

Speaking of people who think they are things that they are not, how about Why?, which as well as being a terrible band name, is a good reaction to their existence. Whenever I read anything about this band, I read things about how they are in an "undefinable genre." No, they're in a very definable and very well-populated genre, the SHITTY INDIE ROCK genre. The hip-hop influence is negligible and basically only thrown in to make descriptions of them seem marginally interesting, because the band certainly isn't. If you're looking for someone who does legitimately interesting things on the border of hip-hop and modern rock, listen to Aesop Rock. This is crap.

16. Lil' Wayne

Lest you think my ire is directed only at indie rock bands, let present the worst album of 2008, Lil' Wayne's Tha Carter III. Lil' Wayne thinks that he is the best rapper alive. This is only true in some alternate universe where he has murdered Nas, Jay-Z, and every member of the Wu-Tang Clan, then taken lessons from Vanilla Ice until the student surpassed the master. There is nothing to like in Tha Carter III except the Jay-Z guest spot. Yeah, Wayne and his annoying-as-hell voice jump between a lot of different types of hip-hop on this album, and basically each one of them is a separate argument about something that is wrong with modern mainstream rap. One sounds like Usher, who is terrible, one sounds like R. Kelly, who is terrible, one sounds like watered-down Dr. Dre, which, natch, is terrible. And some of them are terrible in a uniquely Lil Wayne way, too. It's like multiple personality disorder, but all of your personalities suck.

For some reason, critics jizzed all over Tha Carter III. I have only one explanation for this: critics met in a cabal in early 2008, realizing that they will seem out of touch if they don't all love some mainstream hip-hop album, and elected Lil Wayne president. Consider your cabal EXPOSED, critics.

15. of Montreal

Here's a band that almost didn't make it on, not because they're not crappy and overrated (they are), but because it's basically impossible to think of a lot of different riffs on "this is the same generic indie shit I have heard from a hundred other bands, none of which I liked." Of Montreal "mixes it up" by adding some stupid electronic noises. BUH BUH BUH GUH. Good for them. Boring.

14. Dirty Projectors

Unlistenable trash, and this is from someone who likes Captain Beefheart.

13. Deerhoof

Basically the same as above, though not quite as self-consciously weird, so a little more accessible, and therefore more liked and more overrated. Still basically no desire to have any sort of a melody that I could not describe as "yelps." Honestly, try to play one of their "melodies" on a keyboard or something sometime. It will make you feel retarded, which is how Deerhoof feels all the time.

12. The Streets

There is nothing to like about this. Nothing. He's not a good rapper--that is to say, he doesn't have a good voice, good flow, good rhymes, or good subject matter--and his production isn't even interesting either. I have absoultely no idea how he became a indie darling hip-hop artist when he is just plain this terrible. Oh, the dude is also supposed to have a sense of humor. If by that you mean that I laugh at how bad he is for ten seconds before listening to something else, I think that indicates that I have a sense of humor and he is just an idiot.

11. Modest Mouse

Here we go again, having to riff on the same "this entire genre of 'indie rock' sucks" thing, but having to do it in a different way. Here's an interesting thing: I actually like Modest Mouse a decent amount, certainly more than any of the other artists I'm filing under "bad indie rock" in this. I like them because their version of "indie rock" is basically appropriating ideas from Tom Waits and cloaking them in the indie guitar sound. Tom Waits is one of my all-time favorite musicians, ergo, what Modest Mouse makes isn't so bad.

So...the best thing I can say about Modest Mouse is that they stole something I like and made it shittier. Yep, Modest Mouse, you deserve spot number 10.

10. Bloc Party

Wow. Here's an impossible one. Another one of those stupid indie rock guitar bands (I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have put so many on this, but the list is already written, so SOLDIER ON), but this one there is absolutely nothing notable about. If someone ever tells you that "indie" isn't a genre, put on some Bloc Party, and say, "Hear this? This is the blank slate, generic form of indie." They will probably say, "Oh, yes, pretty much everything I listen to sounds like this. I have just realized that all of my music is not only able to be pigeonholed, it is also terrible." Just kidding, that would be in an awesome world. In this world, people will not be dissuaded from liking Bloc Party, who are a terrible band.

9. Kanye West

Kanye West is a great, great hip-hop producer. He is also a terrible, terrible rapper. Basically all of the bands above this have godawful lyrics (with some exceptions for Modest Mouse, who stole some Tom Waits lyrical ideas as well), so it's a little unfair to start digging into lyrics now, but you know what? Let's do that. If for no other reason, because lyrical skill in hip-hop is somewhat more important than it is in most other genres, or at least, I feel, it's harder to ignore bad lyricism. So here's the opening of the Grammy Award-winning "Stronger":

Let's get lost tonight
You could be my black Kate Moss tonight
Play secretary, I'm the boss tonight.
And you don't give a fuck what they all say, right?
Awesome, the Christian in Christian Dior
Damn they don't make 'em like this anymore
I ask, cause I'm not sure
Do anybody make real shit anymore?

I think I speak for basically everyone when I say...um...really, Kanye?

Not coincidentally, this song has fucking awesome production...done by Kanye West. Please man, quit rapping and go back to producing for other people who can rap, like Jay-Z, Lupe Fiasco, and Talib Kweli.

8. Death Cab for Cutie

Alright, I definitely put too many of those stupid indie rock bands on here, I realize that now. I apologize to anyone reading all of these who is now preparing themselves for another "X variant on indie rock is still boring, stupid, uninteresting, and unmelodic." But imagine, imagine if you had to listen to a full album of each of these artists as you read this list, and think of how much sicker you would be of this generic sound even more so than I am sick of writing the same comment over and over. So, anyway: the mopey, slow, sad variant on indie rock is boring and shitty, too.

7. The White Stripes

Okay, here's another one where I actually respect and like the artist a fair amount, but the amount of critical attention is ridiculous. Pretty much all White Stripes songs are interchangeable blues-rock with intentionally stupid drumming...which is a perfect description of all of their first four albums. This becomes really obvious when you look at several different critics lists of the best albums of the last ten years. They pretty much always have exactly one of the first four White Stripes albums on them, but which one? Totally up for grabs. Mainstream choice? Elephant. Pitchfork choice? White Blood Cells. Uber-hip choice? De Stijl. You could remove the lyrics and probably none of the people picking could tell which of those albums they were listening to. Anyway, later in their career, the White Stripes started doing marginally interesting things, with, you know, more than two instruments, to which critics responded, "This is okay, but not as awesome as the really generic rock you guys used to make."

6. Nirvana

Well, duh, you knew this one was coming. I seriously considered not putting it on here, because it's so mind-numbingly obvious, but then I realized that Robert Christgau, a critic on whom I can usually count to call bullshit on a bad band, and Pitchfork Media, that writer of unreadable reviews with a critical consensus that is still often well-earned, called Nevermind an "A" album and the sixth-best album of the nineties, respectively. No. No. No no no no no no. How often does anyone who truly likes music listen to Nevermind, really? It can't possibly be more than once every few years, to reassure themselves of its importance, or something. Nevermind is a stupid album that basically just takes what the Pixies did and makes it glossier as well as making every song sound like the next. I have nothing against glossiness, but when the central appeal of your music is supposed to be how raw it is, you are making stupid, hypocritical music. Oh, also, the Pixies had at least twice the sense of melody, and ten times the lyrical ability.

5. The Strokes

Not a truly terrible band, but a bad band that is responsible for a lot of the other bad music on this list. The Strokes didn't invent the "indie" guitar band sound that I've complained a lot about here, but they refined it into something that could be easily copied by tons of other bands and added an easily imitateable vocalist. All in the name of bad pop/rock. Do you remember their first single, "Last Nite"? Remember how you thought it was nothing at all special, but also not too offensively bad? Think about if you had realized then that basically all critically-approved rock music for the next eight years would sound almost exactly like that. You would have clawed your ears out. You should have.

4.5/4. Animal Collective/Panda Bear

Heellloooooooo, modern critical darlings! I have listened to two different different Animal Collective albums all the way through several times, as well as the one Panda Bear album a few times. I cannot sing a single melody, name a single lyric, or give you a defining feature of any single track other than those that apply to both bands as a whole (kinda folk-y, acoustic instruments, weird noises, obscured voices singing things I can't make out). There is a name for music that does not grab you in any way: BAD.

3. Radiohead

This is a difficult one. It is a difficult one because my high school self unequivocally would have declared Radiohead my favorite band, and when I saw them only a little over two years ago, I really, truly enjoyed the experience. They're a great live band. So how come the only album I reliably go back to is Kid A? It has to do with several things (MINI-LIST):

1) Thom Yorke is a shitty lyricist. See:

Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
When I am king you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking squealing Gucci little piggy

This isn't a dark portrayal of a post-apocalyptic world, as someone defending it might say. This is just angsty nonsense. "Unborn chicken voices"? What the Christ does that mean? And this is basically as lucid as it gets. Ask anyone what a given Radiohead song is about. They will tell you it is about alienation, technology, and inhumanity. Ask them what another Radiohead song is about. It is about the same thing.

Part of the reason Kid A is the best is because it has the fewest lyrics.

2) Radiohead's music is essentially soulless. It doesn't help that the lyrics are intentionally "inhuman," but what really makes it bad is how calculated the band always feels. Radiohead's music is basically what you'd get if you looked down some list of all the things that were supposed to be in critically acclaimed music: pop music, yes, but with experimental tendencies, adventurous use of time signatures, that doesn't have clear roots in any single genre. But you don't feel it. None of it. I never feel like Radiohead is playing any sort of emotion or statement to me, I feel like they're playing Radiohead to me. Which is hard to relate, because I am not Radiohead.

Part of the reason Kid A is the best is because the songs on it hit you with something, at least. "Idioteque" is the best song they ever recorded.

3) Radiohead is depressing. But Radiohead is depressing in the general "things appear to be quite bad, yes yes" way, not in the personal way that Bob Dylan is depressing, or the cynical, observational way that Randy Newman is depressing. I feel depressed, not in an emotional or connective way, just in a general "I feel shitty because I'm totally supposed to now" way.

Part of the reason Kid A is their best album is because it's least depressing album. Except maybe In Rainbows, which was pretty good.

2. Eminem

Eminem is a bad rapper with an annoying voice. He also should have been included on my list of worst examples of satire, because, like Tucker Max and Maddox, his misogyny, homophobia, and general idiocy isn't ironic, it's just the way that Eminem is. Even more so than The Streets, I cannot figure out how Eminem came to be such a critical favorite. His rhymes can approach competency, but his subject matter is so terrible (killing your wife? did you really think that was a good idea for a pop song?), his voice so grating, his production (which he mostly does himself) so uninvolving and boring, and his lauded sense of humor so NONEXISTENT--really, nothing here justifies how dark and mean it is, unlike Dre's The Chronic, or Wu-Tang's 36 Chambers, say--as to cancel out any possible positive qualities the dude has. He's less interesting than tons of better and worse rappers out there, so why did he get famous and popular? Oh, right, because he's white. And he even admitted it, in verse no less. Eminem sucks. (Also, that song I just linked is hilariously bad.)

(Note: someone reading this might assume I hate all white rappers. I don't. I like Aesop Rock, whom I previously mentioned, the Beastie Boys, and Atmosphere...if he's white. I forget.)

1. Weezer

If there's one thing I'll excuse over any other, it's pop sensibilities. Many of the bands considered for this list, or suggested when I was requesting submissions from friends, were bands like the Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Beck, Ben Folds Five, and Vampire Weekend. (Most of those, by the way, garnered multiple nominations.) I threw all of those out because they're simply too catchy, too good at crafting memorable melodies, and too fun to get stuck in your head and sing to really deserve hatred or ever be substantially overrated.

So how did an unabashedly pop band get all the way to #1? It's simple. The bands I just named are good pop bands. Weezer is a bad pop band. It's the difference between a song you listen to over and over because it's so damn catchy that you NEED to hear it again, and a song you wish would stop playing in your head because it's so damn hypnotic. That's what Weezer is. Hypnosis.

Even people who will readily admit that (working backwards) "Pork and Beans," "Beverly Hills,"Dope Nose," "Hash Pipe," and "Island in the Sun" are the hypnosis-type bad pop music (oh God one of those is stuck in your head now and I am so sorry), a lot of people will still defend Pinkerton and The Blue Album. Including my esteemed colleage and fellow list-maker, Peter. I apologize for this, Peter, but I declare Blue Album worship the worst case of rose-tinted glasses in the history of music. It was one of everyone's first "indie" albums when they were getting away from music everyone hates now, and they have a childish attachment to it now. Cuomo's melodies were just as insipid then as they are now. ("Surf Wax America"? What the fuck? And do the keyboard-test, mentioned in the Deerhoof entry, with "The Sweater Song" to discover that...yeah. That melody is terrible.)

What's more, Rivers Cuomo's unabashedly heart-on-sleeve lyrics (without any real poetic or lyrical ability) were an inspiration to thousands of somehow-even-worse bands that have plagued music since The Blue Album came out in 1994. I'm going to copy and paste this directly from Wikipedia, so you know these aren't just my choices:

Many modern bands such as Ash, Jimmy Eat World,^[29][30] Fountains of Wayne,^[31] Dashboard Confessional,^[31][32] The Ataris,^[31][33] Ozma,^[34] Ultimate Fakebook,^[29] The Used,^[30] Hellogoodbye,^[35] Relient K,^[36] Bloodhound Gang, The All-American Rejects,^[37] Good Charlotte,^[38] The Pink Spiders,^[39] The Academy Is...,^[40] Say Anything,^[41] The Calgary Sun, Biffy Clyro,^[42] Something Corporate,^[43] The Stereo,^[44] The Fall of Troy, Nerf Herder,^[45] Hoobastank,^[30] The Anniversary,^[29] Saves the Day,^[30] Rye Coalition,^[29] Tera Melos, Thursday,^[30] The Get Up Kids,^[29]Motion City Soundtrack,^[46] and Ludo^[30] and Taking Back Sunday^[30] have been compared to Weezer or named them as an influence. (Wikipedia)

Yeah. What a legacy. Why anyone continues to worship these guys, even their early stuff, is a mystery to me. Weezer is the most overrated band of the last eighteen years.

(Note: credit where credit is due, the idea of pointing out bands as having terrible melodic ideas by playing their melodies on a piano was originally suggested, as far as I know, by Dr. David Thorpe, a Something Awful writer, in this column.)

Top 7 Greatest Things Being Said on the Scrabble Beta Facebook Discussion Board

So, for those of you who live under whatever blissful rock the drama of the internet is far away from, the popular Facebook application and blatant copyright violation Scrabulous was recently shut down. This was too bad. I liked Scrabulous. Most people liked Scrabulous. But even if you have never played Scrabulous, I'm sure you can already guess what it's a ripoff of. (That's the second preposition in this paragraph I've left hanging, and I don't care.) When an online version of Scrabble from Hasbro--the people who, natch, shut down Scrabulous--came out, the internet's judgement of this clearly evil $ CORPORATION $ was swift, and it led to a lot of people completely irrationally hating a product that is no less buggy or ugly than the illegal one. It's just...less illegal. It also led to tons of people who understand nothing of copyright law pretending like they have any friggin' idea what they're talking about. Let's have a look, shall we?

7. Celeste Coursey in the thread "Die, Hasbro, Die Die Die!"

It WILL be undoubtedly slow and painful. A boycott will take some time... but it will prevail. I for one am glad I don't own any Hasbro stock.

A BOYCOTT! THIS IS AN HONORABLE CAUSE LIKE THE MONTGOMERY BUS BOYCOTT. Also, you don't own any stock at all.

6. Kris Capps starting the thread "i didn't think it was possible to hate Scrabble until I met Scrabble Beta"

Hasbro's Scrabble Beta turns playing a game of scrabble into a chore.. Bring back Scrabulous, you whores.

So...when you were playing Scrabulous, the "game of scrabble" wasn't a chore, right? So...they're the same game, right? Because most of the morons here are somehow trying to argue that they're not. You whore.

5. Susan Wells in the thread "Tired of the ugly, buggy Scrabble Beta that never starts? Try Wordscraper, from the creators of Scrabulous." (their new, less blatant copyright violation)

good going for posting this liink but wait - has been aka hasbro might pull this thread too

HAS BEEN AKA HASBRO B-)

4. June Dafgard in the thread "www.scrabulous.com" (which touts the functionality of the website)

I was gonna start a thread like this, but I was afraid the title might draw too much attention from ... Big Brother. ;)

Ten bucks says this girl hasn't actually finished 1984. Also, yeah, Big Brother=Hasbro, which hasn't deleted all the other moronic threads from you guys in a forum they're providing, which they would have a perfectly legal right to do if they wanted.

3. Alex Chira starting the thread "The idea for a game is not protected by Copyright. The same is true of the name or title given to the game."

Straight from the U.S. Copyright Office http://www.copyright.gov/fls/fl108.html Copyright protects only the particular manner of an author’s expression in literary, artistic, or musical form. Copyright protection does not extend to any idea, system, method, device, or trademark material involved in the development, merchandising, or playing of a game. Once a game has been made public, nothing in the copyright law prevents others from developing another game based on similar principles.

then, a later post:
Considering I'm in law school taking IP law, I'm not complaining :)

I don't even necessarily know where to start with this one. First of all, whatever law school you're enrolled in, even if it's a degree mill, should kick you out for your idiocy. Second, Scrabulous isn't on "similar principles," dude, it's on the exact same rules. Third, you managed the part of the document that covered what could be copyrighted: "For example, the text matter describing the rules of the game, or the pictorial matter appearing on the gameboard or container, may be registrable." Um, so yeah, a pictorally equal gameboard is violation. Sorry this one wasn't funny, it's just some shithead on the internet who is probably lying about going to law school pretending he understands what's involved.

2. Jeremy Stamp in the thread "The idea for a game is not protected by Copyright. The same is true of the name or title given to the game."

Welcome to America where you can sue anybody for anything.

I am going to go shave with your wit, thank you.

1. Neal Meyer starting the thread "remember scrabulous"

hey, best way to insure your product wins, wait untill someone else poopularizes it, and instead of teaming up with them sue them and keep them from competeing....

Oh my God, do I love this post. I can't think of anything I could say that could make it any more fun than it already is. This comment poopularizes itself.

Top 11 Most Fun Lies to Tell

11. "I can't come to your party because I'll be watching preseason football."

10. "Excuse me, I think we went to high school together! You probably don't remember me because I've changed a lot. As a matter of fact, I think we were in the same English class? Mr. Kenny's class! You're absolutely right, that was his name... Mr. Kenny. Oh man. Good times. So, can I buy you a drink?"

9. "When I was a child, I set the world record for solving Olmec's Temple on Legends of the Hidden Temple. I also punched host Kirk Fogg in the face and refused to return the Cursed Flightplan of Amelia Earhart to the props department."

8. "We're allowed to do that at Mommy's house."

7. "My car can turn into a robot, but only when you aren't around because it's shy."

6. "I care deeply about the fact that Rob isn't letting this whole Merkin Muffley snub thing go."

5. "I'm pregnant."

4. "We experienced a very similar situation once while I was a supporting cast member on Everybody Loves Raymond."

3. "You can probably clean that up with club soda."

2. "I am a licensed physician and in my professional opinion, you have a terrible disease."

1. "Lisa Loeb is dead."

(credit where credit is due -- I owe this to Lakshmi)