Top 10 Reasons Why B.J. Novak and I Should Be Friends

Several months ago, Peter and I had a conversation where we declared two celebrity "friend crushes" each, same-sex celebs with whom we're convinced we'd be friends if we could meet them.  Peter's were Paul Rudd and Donald Barthelme (yes, Barthelme was already dead at the time), and mine were B.J. Novak and...David Foster Wallace (no, Wallace was not already dead at the time).  So to continue making lists in elliptical tribute to DFW, I have written a list about my one celebrity friend crush still alive.  Wow, that's depressing.  Lighten up, here's why B.J. and I would get along.

10. B.J. Novak graduated with a degree in English and Spanish Literature from Harvard.

This spring, I will graduate with a degree in English and Math from Columbia.

B.J., I will forgive the fact that I am overall more helpful doing your taxes than you are ordering me churros.  I will also forgive your inferior alma mater.

9. B.J. Novak's favorite film is The Naked Gun

 

The Naked Gun is the screenplay I sixth-most wish I had written.

8. B.J. Novak was on Punk'd

I enjoy abbr'v'ns.

7. B.J. Novak is the second-best writer on The Office

I was the second-best writer on last year's Varsity Show.

(NOTE: Sorry B.J., since you are clearly reading this, but Jen Celotta is the best writer on the show.)

6. B.J. Novak and I look remarkably alike

For reference, here is a picture of B.J.:

And here is a picture of me:

Uncanny, isn't it?

5. B.J. Novak is an accomplished stand-up comedian

I have performed at nearly five open-mic events.

4. B.J. Novak counts Mitch Hedberg as one of his favorite comedians and a major influence

I count Steven Wright as one of my favorite comedians and a major influence.

B.J. would probably admit to me--in confidence--that their acts were similar but that I was right, Wright is the superior comedian.  Then we would high-five and race convertibles.

3. Ryan Howard is my favorite character on The Office

I am Ryan Howard's favorite character on The Meta-Office, a fanfic I wrote where his character watches me on TV.  There is something wrong with me.

(NOTE: The division between fanfiction and spec scripts is dicier than I would like to believe.)

2. B.J. Novak is Jewish

I am not nor have I ever been a Holocaust revisionist.

(EDIT: Never mind, just remembered about third grade.)

1. I made a list for him

I bet I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Rob, this is mostly a catalogue of what B.J. Novak has done with lamer versions of his accomplishments that you have done.  How do you make up that ground?"  If you were actually thinking that word-for-word what is your deal and why do you think in fully-formed grammatical sentences.  Anyway, the answer is: I made this list for B.J., and that evens things up between us because he has never made a goddamn thing for me except for four seasons of television.

Top 8 Cultural Figures That It Would Really Seriously Depress Me to Learn They Had Committed Suicide (If They Did)

8. Jeff Tweedy

7. Todd Barry

6. Tom Waits

5. B.J. Novak

4. Dave Eggers

3. Larry David

2. Jon Stewart

1. David Foster Wallace

And he's the one that did.  Goddammit.  I really, honestly, believe that this guy might have undersood the world and humanity better than anyone else alive.  Infinite Jest is the best and most culturally relevant book written in the last twenty years.  The best writer of his generation, dead at 46 by his own hand.