Friday, April 3, 2009

Top 14 Types of Coffee I Have On A Given Day

By "types", I don't mean brands... but individual coffee experiences. Does that make any sense? (It frigging better, because I have already written the list and I sure as bull-puckey don't plan on changing it.)

14. Before Subway Coffee

Percent Chance That I Have This on a Given Day: 5% - I am usually running a little late.

13. After Subway, Before Office Coffee
Chance: 20% - If I’m not too late and there’s money in my pocket, this is a possibility.

12. Lab-made Coffee
Chance: 75% - Unless some evil, evil person made decaf. Are you trying to kill us all, Damon?

11. “No One Made Coffee, But I’m a Team Player!” Coffee
Chance: 40% - I am a team player 40% of the time.

10. “Too Lazy to Make It, So I’ll Buy It From Columbia” Coffee
Chance: 60% - I am lazy 60% of the time.

9. Lunch Break Coffee (from Coffee-Specific Vendor)
Chance: 2% - I am really not that picky. Besides, what do I look like, the Sultan's daughter? (Clarification: I do not look like the Sultan's daughter.)

8. Lunch Break Coffee (from Non-Coffee-Specific Vendor)
Chance: 98% - There is something so comforting about awful deli coffee.

7. “Oh, Hey… There’s Still Coffee Left From the Morning” Coffee
Chance: 60% - Again, I am not picky.

6. On the Way Home Coffee
Chance: 1% - There is no way by this point in the day that I actually need coffee.

5. “Maybe I’ll Make Some More Coffee!” Coffee
Chance: 10% - And it will almost certainly be vanilla-flavored.

4. “Our Internet’s Out, I Have to Go to Starbucks to Check My Email and I Can’t Just Not Order a Coffee” Coffee
Chance: 25% - This is the worst thing that has happened to me in recent memory. All in all, that should be a good thing—and I know one can “buy wireless and not just steal it”—but honestly, what the frig.

3. “If We’re Going To Be Out Pretty Late, I Should Really Have a Coffee” Coffee
Chance: 30% - You can’t just count on a second wind, kids. You have to be proactive!

2. “If We’re Going To Be Out Pretty Late, I Should Really Have a Coffee—and While We’re at It, We’re Running a Little Late, So I Bet a Little Scotch Wouldn’t Hurt that Coffee” Coffee
Chance: 5% - You can’t just count on that party being fun, kids. You have to be proactive!

1. “If We’re Going To Be Out Pretty Late, I Should Really Have a Coffee—and Let’s Be Honest, When Do I Have Scotch… I Guess This Coffee Will Be Russian Since All We Have is Vodka” Coffee
Chance: 15% - I drink way too much coffee.

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