Top 15 Petitions on PetitionOnline.com

PetitionOnline is a great resource for people who believe that having "Seymore Butts" sign their misspelled rant 1000 times is the best way to bring about social justice/DVD box sets.  It's also a great place for found art.

15. Tv.com is mean and dumb!

Welcome to the world of online petitions.

14. Urgent Action: Shooting in South Africa

Here is a test to see if you know what the word "urgent" means.  When something happens that requires urgent action, do you

1) call 911? OR

2) start an online petition?

13. BAN THE BEACH

JUST BAN IT

12. Bonsai kitten, Is shaping a cat ok? Is doing a hoax of one ok?

I have no idea what this is trying to say, but I totally support doing a hoax of a bonsai kitten.

11. Bring back the old blood elves

The new blood elves are just not cutting it.

10. Please Unban Jujubeans

Description: "The nick on hardwarezone "Jujubeans" was banned. We do not know what happen actually. As he is a very nice guy though scold excessive vulgarities, flaming other user etc, in heart he is a nice person"

9. White for a White History Month

Soon to come: Racists for a Racist History  Month

8. Delete Myspace

Yes.  That is how the internet works.  You can just delete things.

7. Fresh Prince All Night Every Night

Okay, some of these petitions are actually kind of awesome.

6. Atheist/Agnostic Section in Yahoo Chat

The section actually exists, they just don't believe in it.

5. Obama for President in 2008

I don't think these people have figured out the right way to vote.

4. Punish the Adulters!!!

At first, this petition seems funny because it's misspelled.  Then it seems funnier because it calls for the punishment of specific people.  Then it seems funniest because those people are professional wrestling characters.

3. Get My Girlfriend Back

Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

2. Please Keep My Mommy in Canada

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

1. Ban Online Petitions

Amen, sir.

Top 11 Variations on "11:11, Make a Wish!"

11. 11:11, eat a fish.

It's lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and there are appetizing fish at your disposal.

10. 11:11, hey, where's Mitch?
It's lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and your friend Mitch has gone missing. Although not so lucky for Mitch. Sorry Mitch! (And if you're not dead, can you pick up a six-pack?)

9. 11:11, let's rent Hitch.

It's lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and you are the sort of person who wants to watch Hitch. (If you are this kind of person, I feel that luck doesn't apply to you. In a bad way.)

8. 11:11, Annabeth Gish.
It is lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and you have a deep, abiding love for Timothy Hutton's good, solid, 7-and-a-1/2 girlfriend from Beautiful Girls.

7. 11:11, are you rich?
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and you genuinely don't know if your friend is wealthy or not.

6. 11:11, do that dish!
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and there are uncleaned cutlery items in the sink. Being clean is a lifestyle choice, nerdos.

5. 11:11, Taylor Kitsch.
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and you want to give some props to the broody dude who portrays Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights. Speaking of which, why is he not my best friend yet?

4. 11:11, learn to stitch.
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and your friend has yet to make good on their promise to learn to stitch. If you are also bleeding from a gaping head wound while saying this--forget it, brother... it's too late.

3. 11:11, shit--a witch!

This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and all of a sudden you see a witch. But maybe it is not so lucky that your are in the presence of a witch? Why are you hanging out in a place where there are witches? Rethink your life, Mother Jefferson.

2. 11:11, you're a bitch.

This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and Claire is being a total bitch. 

1. 11:11, find your niche.

This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and you feel like inspiring Claire to make some big life decisions.

Top 2 Articles You Should Read Written By People I Know and Love

Hey PaRMLotters. It's an early morning. You know why I got up so early? JUST BE-FRIGGIN'-CAUSE, THAT'S WHY. That's what I bring to the team, America... unpredictability. 

In other news, their are people--you might call them Friends of This Blog--who write very well about interesting subjects. These writings have appeared on highly reputed web-logs recently, and the sphere-of-web-logs (someone oughta come up with a shorthand for that) is buzzing up a storm about them! Or storming up a buzz. Either one, really. In any event, READ THESE, THEY'RE GREAT!

1. Obama and the Science of Altruism, by Mr. Jamil Zaki (published on 1/26/09, on The Huffington Post)

2. Gossip Girl Deathwatch, by Ms. Caitlin Shure (published on 2/6/09, on The Daily Beast)

Local boy and local girl do well! Hooray for the internet! Hooray for friends! Oh, also, PaRMLoT had its 5,000 visitor yesterday! That is like a large number or something! As mayor of this town, I declare this pizza to be awesome!

133 Great Entries on "Freshman Guidebook: Mostly Girls"

Okay, so this takes a little explanation.  This is a piece of found art that apprently circulated around freshman girls at my high school a few years after I graduated.  I'll let it speak for itself, because it speaks untold volumes.  It would be impossible for anyone to intentionally create anything this brilliant/hilarious, so I have left it unaltered.  I want to post my favorite numbers, but I also want to encourage everyone to read every last word of this.  Also, if you really like it, you should join its Facebook group.

Freshman Guidebook:
mostly girls

1. The second you start feeling sorry for yourself, your almost guaranteeing no one else will.
2. Be careful with your jean skirts
3. Tube socks, A.K.A. slut socks
4. Yeah, comfy days are always a nice vaca, but watch it with your Soffee's and tee's.
5. Don't re-apply make up in places where boys can see you.
6. And lighten up on the eye liner a little bit, kiddies.
7. If you walk into school with a Jamba or caribou every morning, people will call you a tool 
8. Being cute will get you the furthest
9. Watch your cell phone bill.
10. Keep your fucking grades up.
11. DON'T GET CAUGHT.
12. Keep most things on the DL.
13. Make friends with other upper-classmen, just don't kiss too much ass.
14. A desperate attempt to recreate Laguna Beach isn't gonna make you look like a celebrity
15. Don't cheat (on boys that is, tests are fine)
16. I know it says on your myspaces' that you don't care what people think…but you do, so shut up.
17. Don't take picture of you smoking weed/drinking and put them on myspace/facebook.
18. Don't hook up with: Kyle miller and Akbar....just don't.
19. Don't be a bitch. Giiiiiiven.
20. Be friends with everyone.
21. Don't try to act older, just be freshman.
22. create variety between the two middle schools
23. Try not to use the phrase "best friends" 
24. Don't go to upperclassman parties and smoke/drink their shit unless the host says it's okay.
25. Don't talk too much shit cause EVERYONE will eventually know what you said.
26. Don't think you're the shit. Because your not. 
27. Don't do dip. Especially if you're a girl
28. Don't do something you don't want anyone to know about, cause everyone always finds out....ALWAYS.
29. Don't use your locker
30. Always know your way around the school...you look gay if you get lost.
31. Usually travel in a group.
32. But not too often.
33. Don't sneak out of other peoples houses too much or they might think your using them.
34. Only sneak out if its FOOL PROOF.
35. Be tight with your parents. They're your best friends in the long run.
36. Plan your outfits the night before.
37. You have a designated corner…stay there freshman.
38. Always be nice to Char...and the chinese lady.
39. Like hockey. Or your life will suck.
40. Think ahead; plan.
41. ALWAYS stay on your parents good side, you get a ton more trust that way.
42. Don't throw a party.
43. Don't buy a 40 for 8 dollars. Your an idiot.
44. Drink for the first time with JUST your girl friends.
45. So you wont get taken advantage.
46. Become friends with Negen.
47. DO NOT flirt with every living thing that has testicles...please, its gross.
48. Become friends with the ghetto chicks...just not too close.
49. Be good with excuses.
50. Tell the truth.
51. No one likes a liar.
52. Don't have sex with just ANYONE...ew.
53. Have a eclectic style, not JUST abercombie.
54. Spend your money wisely.
55. You're the faggot if you DON'T go wild'n'out on blue and white day
56. Don't be loud
57. Myspace does not rule the universe.
58. Work hard, play harder.
59. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT fall for akbar no matter WHAT he says.
60. If your gunna give a blow job, ALWAYS swallow, or its not even worth it and all boys will lose respect for you.
61. Losing your virginity should be a memorable thing, so do it when you don't have a bottle of liquor inside of you.
62. Don't be easy.
63. Guys like a chase...but not a tease
64. Don't try to embarrass your friends in front of older people
65. Chicks before dicks.
66. Stay away from drama as much as possible.
67. Being pretty gets you places, having a good personality keeps you there.
68. Don't rely on coping people's homework till the next morning. 80% of the time it doesn't work.
69. Money isn't everything.
70. DOO NOTT over-analyze things.
71. Be nice.
72. Be practical.
73. Be classy.
74. Don't give out your number if you don't want people to call.
75. Because they will.
76. Don't become addicted to anything.
77. Never ever ask an upperclassman that can drive to take you somewhere. No matter how stuck you are.
78. Invest in an iPod.
79. Don't put anyone else's drugs in your locker.
80. ***** Just because a guy hooks up with you more than once, does not mean that he likes you.
81. No guys ever LIKE anyone--they just like your ass.
82. Don't worry too much if an upperclassman guy doesn't like you-worry if an upperclassman GIRL doesn't like you.
83. We WILL try our best to promote your cool-if you are.
84. Bring money to school--everyday for cookies.
85. Don't get attached to hookups.
86. Don't be a prude.
87. The majority of Jefferson is nice...so don't worry.
88. DO NOT take a lot of pictures at like your girly nights. Or in public/school activities such as hockey games. That's fucking annoying.
89. Get into funny stuff, like Dane cook, and family guy. That way guys can joke around with you and you seem cooler than you are, because your at the bottom starting off.
90. Get yourself some moccasins
91. Limit yourself to throwing up three peace signs a day
92. The second you try to use 'high school slag' uuughhh YOUR GAY.
93. Don't smoke yourself retarded.
94. Don't call everyone your 'nigger'. Because they're not. 95. Try to take a full year of math--advantage in the long run.
96. Don't get caught with your phone in class.
97. Get a facebook.
98. And don't join gay groups on facebook. They won't make you cooler.
99. We know what we're talking about--so don't ignore any of this shit.
100. Don't don't don't don't don't take things too seriously. High school just is silly.
101. If you can-get a non popular upperclassman that is dead serious about being your friend. Not a hook up-and not some cheap skank. They'll help you out.
102. Yeah...Jefferson is a damn good lookin' school-so don't be afraid to talk to your eye candy
103. Don't forget your 9th grade boys. You need to stay close to them because when junior and senior year rolls around, you'll have no one but them. And then they might not want to hang out with you. So be sure to hang out with them once in a while.
104. Go to church! You'll end up doing a lot of sinning.
105. I you tell someone not to tell anyone something...you should probably just not tell them in the first place.
106. The majority of freshman boys will give you big time shit for drinking/doing drugs but they'll come around in a year or so. Haha.
107. Don't give upperclassman evil glares. It will piss them off and then they WILL make you feel like you want to die.
108. Text your friends, text your rents. But texting older classmen gives them proof if your a huge skeez. 
109. You will get noticed. Don't worry and don't draw negative attention to yourself. People will get up in your grib (grillz and crib)
110. If you're called a hoe, shake it off. So what if you are, your probably not though.
111. Don't be obsessed with major league baseball
112. If you wear your Ipod during school, don't have the music to the fullest extent
113. Do quiz bowl, or some extra curricular activity. Your not considered a nerd
114. If something big/embarrassing happened to you over the weekend, and your nervous to go to school on Monday because you think everyone will look at you, or make fun of you….they wont. Because they don't care.
115. Herpes is already at Jefferson. Don't get it.
116. Do go looking for your soul mate
117. Anything but an A does NOT mean an F
118. Friday does not automatically mean party. Chill once in a while
119. Don't do anything that would get your crutches
120. Yup, myspace comments are great, and they'll boost your self esteem…but the second you start to pull down your shorts in your pics, your going to get big shit.
121. Find balances between you're your friends and everything else that's going on in your life.
122. You'll do just find on the mega mythology test…but study your shit.
123.*******You're a freshman; DON'T leave during finals for open lunch. You'll have your chance…order in pizza or have your rents drop your shit off…don't sneak out. It's not your turn.
124. Don't say hi to everyone you know in the hallway
125. Get into spirit week!
126. You're friends are not guaranteed to always be there…so try your best to keep them there.
127. If you want to get your shit pierced, have your mom take you to a parlor. Don't do it yourself (exception: ears)
128. If an upperclassman asks you how your weekend was…you say it was good. Don't give them a play by play
129. The second you start judging someone, you're just…being stupid.
130. Try to get a job; lunds…ehhh…stay away from there though.
131. Play at least one sport a year
132. Don't go to prom as a freshman. Hell yeah its cool as hell, but its not your turn
133. If you have a sidekick, don't flaunt it

Top 25 Things About Me

Let me just spill some bile regarding Facebook. It’s been a long, long time since I enjoyed Facebook as a fun, useful social-networking/persona-crafting/flirtation-facilitation site. Yes, Virginia… there was a good Facebook once. Your little brother wasn’t on it, neither were drifters with occasional internet access, nursing mothers, or state school kids.

And there were no fucking cutesy apps and no goddamn lists of things about me. (Quick note: GUESS THE FRIG WHAT, there is a section under “Info” where you can write things about yourself. It is conveniently titled “About Me”.) Well, I’m sure as shit not posting this to Facebook.

25. I am watching Multiplicity right now.

24. I watched Groundhog Day yesterday.

23. I’m not gonna lie, Harold Ramis can direct the shit out of a 90’s comedy. (And The Ice Harvest is the most pleasant of surprises.)

22. I also won’t lie about what a molten bag of awful Andie MacDowell is… the truth is, she’s a molten bag of awful.

21. I have to start over—those last four things were so tangentially about me, it hurts.

20. Hmm, let’s see what my current About Me is. Oh. It’s in two parts. The first one is, “Nick Punto singled to right field. Nick Punto out at second attempting to advance on the play.” Okay, that’s basically my way of saying that I try really hard, sometimes to my detriment. Also, Nick Punto is my favorite baseball player. Whoa! Those are like, two real things about me! Let’s keep going!

19. The other half of my actual About Me is, “I can't wait to update my Facebook profile to reflect the positive changes in my life!” Okay. Explanation. That’s a line from a musical I worked on. Rob (of Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things), Tom (of My Apartment), and I wrote the script. That is a funny line, yes? Well, I think so…

18. Oh, um, I’ve been cooking a lot lately. Like tonight, I made a steak sandwich with goat cheese and grilled tomatoes.

17. JESUS THAT LAST ONE WAS BORING! This is what’s wrong with these lists—they cause you to reduce yourself to the minutiae that are most immediate to consciousness upon composition. Here’s a fuckin’ fact, nerdos—I AM NOT MINUTE.

16. I’m also not fat. I can’t stress that enough.

15. I have a very annoying propensity to point out That Guys in movies. As in, “Oh, that guy! That’s Jim Piddock! He’s in Best in Show!” I say this because I just did that…

14. None of the following is news… I like hockey, The Departed, The Hold Steady, Minnesota, and most Kerouac and Fitzgerald. BUT YOU DIDN'T NEED TO READ THIS LIST TO KNOW THAT.

13. Sometimes Laksh and Caitlin call me WikiPete.

12. The moment the other night when Bruce Springsteen yelled out to America/The Galaxy, “Is there anyone alive out there!” my heart grew four sizes and my soul grew five hearts.

11. This moment was shattered when the Boss powerslid his junk into a camera by the side of the stage, thus making love to all of America/The Galaxy.

10. I really feel for Michael Keaton in this movie.

9. I think it’s because he looks like my brother.

8. I should call my brother.

7. I should call my mom and dad.

6. I called them last night… still, though.

5. I really should never have started this… this is like a plate full of chicken that I order at 3 AM. Oh, I’ll finish it. But I won’t feel good about myself. Ever again.

4. Nah… I’m still pretty cool. I was Most Valuable Tenor in Junior Year.

3. Oh God, I peaked early.

2. Laksh just made a really cute face. I should just end this list.

1. I’m better than this fucking list. Also, thanks for putting up with me/occasionally finding me funny, dear readers. PaRMLotters. Yeah. That’s what you guys are. It sounds like an otter covered in chicken parm. Hah!

Top 12 Movies That Probably Would Have Been Better if They Had Somehow Incorporated Quantum Physics (and What Their Names Would Have Been)

12. Schrodinger's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

11. The Last Action Constant Hero

10. Along Came Wolfgang Pauli

9. Wallace and Gromit in "Wave-Particle Duality"

8. Air Bud Deals With the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

7. Amadeus Discovers A Fucking Quark

6. Timeline But This Time Actually with Quantum Physics

5. Men in Black Body Radiation

4. The Terminator of Quantum Particles

3. Saving Silverman From Accidentally Giving a Bad Lecture on Quantum Particles

2. Che: Quantum Particles

1. Life As a House Made of Quantum Particles As All Things Are

Top 1 Invented Holidays You Should Be Celebrating Today!

1. Sophie B. Hawkins Day

Guys, do you remember that song "As I Lay Me Down" by 90's songstress Sophie B. Hawkins? Do recall the heart-rending first lyrics of that song? Here is a hint, and by hint, I mean the whole first line of the song: 

"It felt like springtime on that February morning."

WELL, what is today? ANSWER: February 1st, muh'fuckas! Today is the first time you could possibly make the aforementioned claim! SO--put on that song, open the windows, feel the spring-ish breeze (honestly, here in NYC, it's quite balmy...) and sing along with Sophie. Tom and Caitlin and I just did it! It was the best!

All credit for this brilliant holiday goes to one Grace Parra--genius, pioneer, and sometime bootlegger. (That is, she wears boots on her legs.) Ms. Parra ignited the torch for Sophie B. Hakwins Day several years ago and continues to carry it proudly to this day.

On an unrelated note, Sophie B. Hawkins Day sounds like Sadie Hawkins Dance. What is that?