The New York Times printed this ludicrous article yesterday about a hugging epidemic in America's high schools. It filled me with the kind of outrage that blogging was invented to channel, so, here I am, back at the grindstone, my first post in over a week.
(Yeah, yeah, yeah...)
10. “We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug. The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.”
This sounds eerily similar to how some people talk about orgies. Or gardening work.
9. “No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug. Witnessing this interaction always makes me feel like I am a tourist in a country where I do not know the customs and cannot speak the language.”
"...and I only have American dollars and American candy bars and American match sticks. And the natives all speaking in a click-clacking tongue... 'Do you Twitter?' they say! 'Facebook me!' I pray to my American god... it begins to rain."
8. “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory.”
It might lead to {BRISTOL PALIN JOKE}!!!
7. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”
...said Assistant Principal Stuffy McNeverbeentouched.
6. “We like to get cozy. The high-five is, like, boring.”
Jesus Christ, the younger generation is lame.
5. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”
"...Which brings me to the matter at hand--we need ACTUAL laws governing body touch and a lot LESS permissible access to other people's bodies! And so, meet our proposed amendment to the Constitution!"
4. “It’s something you grow up doing. But you don’t come up to a dude and hug, you start out with a handshake.”
Note: the best part about this quote is that in the Times article, it's followed by, "said Mazi Chiles, who is black." Amazing. What if every time there was an Obama quote, it was followed with, "who is black." Apparently, we NEED to be reminded of this stuff.
3. “Hugging is more common in my opinion in people who act like friends. It’s like air-kissing. It’s really superficial.”
Ohhhh, air-kissing. Up until that analogy, I was so confused. I just needed a point of reference. Thanks, Amy Heaton of Bethesda, Maryland.
2. “And it gets to that core that every person wants to feel cared for, regardless of your age or how cool you are or how cool you think you are."
Actually, I kind of buy that. Hugs are cool. It's just... a hug epidemic? In my day, it was pain pills and cough syrup and BJs in the art room. (Eds. note: Mostly lies.) The youth of America have lost their collective balls.
1. “I hug people I’m close to. But now you’re hugging people you don’t even know. Hugging used to mean something.”
Shit, man. Have we really reached a point where friggin' hugging is passé? Well, like disco, Beanie Babies, and that naked dude from the first Survivor, we can always look back on hugging and smile.
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