9. Pitch a narrative.
Say you're applying for a job in advertising. Don't just be some run-of-the-mill copy writer. Be the most hated man in advertising. Be the copy writer's copy writer. Be a copy writer with a dark, enigmatic past. Don't be afraid to be somebody.
8. Ancillary degrees.
Don't forget that hard work you've put in! Space Camp, Clown College, Snickers Chewniversity... it all counts!
7. Novelty fonts!
You're... different! Different is good. (Or awful, actually, in certain industries.)
6. Highlight your attributes.
Let the employers know the things your personal job history doesn't tell them. Vertical leap, head size, number of arms, kicking power, charisma, ball-handling abilities. You have no idea how many good firms out there are looking for a high-jumping big-head who can hold onto the ball.
5. Bring the hype.
With that in mind, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get ahold of NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper. Have him do a few spots on you on ESPN, let the people know about your upside potential and your muscular backside.
Employers want to know what kind of person you are between the hours of 5pm and 9am, too. Do you do volunteer work? Were you in the army? Have you traveled? Kill three birds with one fictional stone; say you volunteered for the Mexican Marines.
3. Inflate your stats.
No one checks references on grades... Guess what, little Mr. or Ms. State School! Looks like you just graduated from The Genius University Institute with Ultra-Super Platinum honors and a 5.0 GPA
2. Which The Wire character are you?
Seriously. Are you a street-wise lone wolf with his own moral code? Or maybe you're an unorthodox alcoholic who puts his work before chain of command. This is all incredibly important.
1. When all else fails, a reference from an industry giant doesn't hurt.
I got this one from Ron Shortsweather:
"Peter Mandy-Shinflecky is the man you want to see about the job of a lifetime. He grifted me for 11 million, and then he told me the truth. His heart is in the right place (his chest) and his mind is on the right thing (his money). When he orders a cocktail, he tells you an epic. When he tells you an epic, he spins you a yarn. When he knits you a sweater, you're thinking, "OH MY GOSH DID THS GUY JUST SAY HE WOOD MAKE ME A SWEATHEART?!" But in facultiality, he's just making you a cocktale. Tat's what's so's great's about Pietor Mendel-Lesbecky... he's always one step ahead of the game, always one game ahead of the man, always one man ahead of the..."