Top 25 English-to-Japanese-to-English Translations of Famous Movie Lines

Perhaps this list is needlessly high concept. Well... I dunno, it was fun to make, that's for sure. Basically, I took the AFI's list of the top 100 movie quotes (composed in 2005), ran it through GoogleTranslate on English-to-Japanese, then ran the result on Japanese-to-English, and picked my favorites. In parentheses are the actual quotes rankings on the AFI's list. (Oh, credit where credit is due, this was most definitely a methodological inspiration.)

1. "Frankly, my dear, I do not mind, please." - Gone with the Wind (#1)

2. "You do not understand! Could have my class. I may have to contract. But I am who I am, the street, instead." - The Waterfront (#3)

3. "Toto, we are in Kansas, I have no sense anymore." - The Wizard of Oz (#4)

4. "We are watching the children." - Casablanca (#5)

5. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm almost ready." - Sunset Boulevard (#7)

6. "May the force be with you in January." - Star Wars (#8)

7. "It means that you can not say sorry to love." – Love Story (#13)

8. "We made that dream." - The Maltese Falcon (#14)

9. "I'm mad as hell, and I've gotta go now!" - Network (#19)

10. "I'm great! It's the small picture." - Sunset Boulevard (#24)

11. "Theater is Sam. Lapse of time left to play.” – Casablanca (#28)

12. "I like her, please." – When Harry Met Sally (#33)

13. "You are not the whistle on what, Steve? You know and do damage to your lips together." – To Have and Have Not (#34)

14. "I will always have to live like a box of chocolates. You're going to make something that is not known." – Forrest Gump (#40)

15. "You will have to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, what of a flat tire?" – Dirty Harry (#51)

16. "You are the ‘Hello' to the me." – Jerry Maguire (#52)

17. "Hello, hello, I have no friends!" – Scarface (#61)

18. "Mrs. Robinson is trying to seduce me. You know?" – The Graduate (#63)

19. "This is not to fight gentleman! This is no war!" – Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (#64)

20. "I'm going to have a leg badly stained, damned monkey!" – Planet of the Apes (#66)

21. "The tremor, the rush of orders." – Goldfinger (#90)

22. "Cinderella story. Anywhere outside. Greenskeeper former, and now it will be the Masters champion. Looks like ... This is the hole! This is the hole! This is the hole!" – Caddyshack (#92)

23. "Snap!" – Moonstruck (#96)

24. "Everybody put your baby in the corner." – Dirty Dancing (#99)

25. "I'm your little dog too, I'll get you pretty!" – The Wizard of Oz (#100)

Top 2 YouTube Sketches You Must Watch Right Now

Hey, guys.  Did you know that I was in a sketch comedy group called The Works?  Did you know that we're hilarious?  Did you know that two of our sketches are now available on YouTube?  Well, now you know.

2. Choice and Life

1. Cereal Box Prizes

If you enjoyed those--and how could you not?--subscribe to our YouTube channel.  We have two more sketches shot that should be edited and up on the site relatively soon, and we're going to try to meet a quota of a sketch a week over the next several months at least.  Enjoy!

The 26 Comedic Situations

Do you know about this one thing? This fella in the 19th Century, Georges Polti, came up with a list of 36 Dramatic Situations... it was founded on research and science, even. Well, guess the fuck what?! They don't have a list of comedic situations! Georgio was slackin"! Geo-polts totally bounced out on half of the job. Like, half of life is comedy, brother... as a matter of fact, I am watching Pineapple Express right now. SO. I went ahead and did the ol' bastard's work for him...

Also, see The Wrestler.

Also, as a preface, you should know that Rob's favorite genre of comedy is large pyramids of cans being knocked over. I went a little overboard to please Rob...

26. Humor

A man knocks over a pyramid of cans

25. Gender humor

A woman knocks over a pyramid of cans

24. Reversal

A man dressed as a woman knocks over a pyramid of cans

23. Shakespeare

A woman dressed as a man in order to further her career (but with unforeseen complications involving her crush) knocks over a pyramid of cans

22. Political Humor

The president knocks over a pyramid of cans (note: the cans represent the economy!!!)

21. Sports Humor

The cans get knocked over, then they get back up and win State

20. Farce

A mostly-naked man running from one bedroom to another knocks over a pyramid of cans

19. Comic Juxtaposition

A man knocks over a pyramid of cans... on the moon!

18. Ethnic Humor

A man with an accent knocks over a pyramid of cans

17. Sexual Humor

A man knocks over a pyramid of dicks

16. Parody

A man dressed as the approximation of a popular, recent film character knocks over a pyramid of cans designed to look similar to a popular, recent pyramid of cans (note: the result will most likely be titled "Can Movie")

15. Situation Comedy

A father who works too damn hard every day to have to come home to this is unable to fulfill his wife sexually or keep his kids from knocking over the family's pyramid of cans

14. Prop Comedy

A woman opens a closet and a pyramid of cans falls out (note: why the fuck are there cans in your closet, woman?)

13. Religious Humor

Several spiritual leaders, each belonging to a different faith, knock over a pyramid of cans

12. Mockumentary

A man who has spent the last year of his pathetic, small-town life constructing a pyramid of cans is interviewed in the foreground, while the pyramid of cans collapses in the background

11. Greek Humor

The will of the gods causes a pyramid of cans to fall over--the pyramid of cans was a symbol of sexual frustration, and now all the men and women are allowed to make love again

10. Fish-out-of-Water

A New York City woman knocks over a cans in rural Montana, forcing her to restore the pyramid--and in the process, lend some style to the locals

9. Animals

A dog knocks over a pyramid of cans

8. Ridiculous Animals

A talking dog knocks over a pyramid of cans

7. Ridiculous Cartoon Animals

A talking cartoon dog knocks over a talking pyramid of cartoon cans (or cats)

6. Zom-Rom-Com

A horde of zombies knock over a pyramid of cans that two exes are hiding behind

5. War Humor

A war knocks over a pyramid of cans, to the delight of a platoon of fun-loving soldiers, who choose to indulge in pranks and frivolity to avoid the horrors of war

4. Dark Comedy

A man commits suicide by allowing a pyramid of cans to topple over onto him

3. Romantic Comedy

A pyramid of cans falls over, causing a man and woman to fall in love

2. Tragicomedy

A man building a large structure out of cans realizes that he is building his own prison. Upon this realization, he bellows, "I'VE BUILT MY OWN PRISON!!!" causing the cans to collapse and kill him

1. The Absurd

A man knocks over a can of pyramids

Top 7 Statistics about the CBS Sitcoms I Watched Last Night

Last night, sirs, I achieved the impossible. A two-hour gauntlet of CBS sitcoms--The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, and Worst Week.  Here are some statistics I extrapolated regarding how much they overlapped.

7. 3 of 4 sitcoms had at least one romantic plotline

Kind of to be expected--not too surprising.  Worst Week was the odd man out.

6. 2 of 4 sitcoms had a romantic plotline between a weird-looking guy and a girl who was way too attractive for him

I guess this is kind of to be expected, too, especially from stuff like Two and a Half Men (which is written by a penis taped to a pen) and The Big Bang Theory.  Guy from Studio 60 and Dr. Horrible, and guy who looks like Matthew Broderick got hit with a tire iron--youse ugly motherfuckers.

5. 1 of 4 had a romantic plotline where the ugly guy succeeds with the hot girl

Here's the chick who was all over Jon Cryer (ugly Matthew Broderick--directly above if you don't know what Matthew Broderick looks like or something):

Yeaaaaaaaaaaah.

4. 1 of 4 sitcoms had a plotline that assumed the relevence of Battlebots

I'm looking at you, The Nerd-Stereotype Joke Theory.  (The theory, by the way, is that 30 minutes of nerd jokes can make a highly-rated sitcom.  The theory is right.)

3. 4 of 4 sitcoms made me laugh at least once

This one is embarassing, so I'm going to gloss over it.  Yes, Two and a Half Men made me laugh.  Shut up.

2. 2 of 4 sitcoms had "men read things while they poop" as an important plot point

Yes, you're reading that right.  It was an observation integral to both Worst Week and How I Met Your Mother's stories.  And yeah, I love Mother and like/tolerate Week.

1. 2 of 4 sitcoms had "seeing your lover's mother's vagina" as an important plot point

I kid you not.  Worst Week and Two and a Half Men.

Top 11 Differences Between Eva Longoria and Eva Mendes

We're watching the Golden Globes. Everyone there is mind-blowingly hammered. I am drinking a juicebox.

11. Eva Longoria owns a house in Los Angeles’ Hollywood Dell neighborhood that she purchased in 2006 for $3.6 million. Eva Mendes is a lizard.

10. On November 30^th, 2006, Eva Longoria became engaged to San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker. On December 1^st, 2006, Eva Mendes became lizard-engaged to a iguana, because she is a lizard.

9. Eva Longoria was a part of Microsoft's "I'm A PC" ad campaign. Eva Mendes is the Geico gecko, a member of the lizard family.

8. In 2007, Eva Longoria played “Consuelo” in The Heartbreak Kid. In 2007, Eva Mendes played a lizard in real life.

7. Eva Longoria originally wanted to be a fashion model and sent in photos to a modeling agency, but was declined because of her height. Eva Mendes originally wanted to be a person, but was declined because of her lizardness.

6. Eva Longoria landed her first television role in 2000, guest-starring in an episode of Beverley Hills, 90210. Eva Mendes landed on the floor of the rainforest after jumping from the lower canopy, on account of the fact that she's a lizard.

5. Eva Longoria has been quoted as saying, "I think it’s funny when people say I’m an overnight sensation, because I’ve been working at it for 10 years." Eva Mendes has been quoted as saying, “I think it’s funny that people don’t realize that I’m a lizard.”

4. Eva Longoria received her B.S. in kinesiology at Texas A&M. Eva Mendes received her B.S. in kinesiology at Texas Lizard College.

3. Eva Longoria is the youngest of four daughters. Eva Mendes is the youngest of four hundred lizards.

2. Eva Longoria was named the #14 Sexiest Woman in FHM’s 2008 list. Eva Mendes was named the best lizard ever by me.

1. Eva Longoria plays Gabby Solis on Desperate Housewives. Eva Mendes is a friggin’ lizard.

Top 14 Things Santa Claus is Probably Doing Now

He only really gets one important night, and any post-work break he's taken has to be done by now, right?

14. Sending the elves back to the coal mines

Sure, some of them will develop pulmonary diseases, but dammit, what if lots of kids are bad next year?

13. Watching football on the new TV he got himself for Christmas

Santa was a Panthers fan, but is probably just going to be a fairweather Cardinals fan now.

12. Watching Mrs. Claus sew him new boots on the sewing machine he got her

To be honest, he was kind of thinking of himself on this one.

11. Watching the DVD of Hudson Hawk he got Mrs. Claus

To be honest, he was completely thinking of himself on this one.

10. Using his sateillite person-watcher to watch non-Christians in third-world countries

Nope, no presents, and yep, their lives still suck.

9. Exchanging the blue suit that the head elf got him for Christmas

Seriously, blue?

8. Watching the reindeer re-exclude Rudolph

Zero to hero and back to zero again.  Every damn year.  The storm ends and Rudolph still looks like an idiot with a LED in the middle of his face.

7. Slowly starting to go through the pile of cookies he jacked on Christmas Eve

I bet you thought he ate them all that night.  He doesn't.  If he did that, he'd be obese.  Well, he is obese, but it's a pituitary problem.  He actually eats quite well.

6. Slowly starting to go through the milk he jacked on Christmas Eve

It's all spoiled, but seriously, there are starving people in the world, and nobody sees that more than Santa.

5. Masturbating

4. Getting caught up on the last season of Lost, but not being all that into it

Santa's magic and he doesn't even believe some of this shit.

3. Moving the stick in the ground marked "NORTH POLE"

Yes, there is a stick in the ground.  And if Santa moves it, the Earth's rotation changes to make that the real North Pole.  He does it just to mess with scientists, whom he hates.  Also, Santa's a creationist.

2. Working on his sled

Mrs. Claus doesn't understand how he can spend so much time tinkering with it.  Especially because, it's like, just a sled.  There aren't mechanical parts to it or anything.  You can only wax up the runners so much, you know?  Mrs. Claus suspects that he's probably just avoiding her.  He is.  It's not that he doesn't love her anymore, it's just...complicated.

1. Returning to his 364-day a year drinking habit

It's not alcholism if it doesn't interfere with his workday!

Top 9 Worst Possible Entries to This Week's New Yorker Caption Contest

As some of you know, it is a personal goal of mine to someday win the New Yorker Caption Contest.  If you are also interested in doing so, you would do well to read this excellent Slate article.  But it's really much more fun to write terrible captions.  A practice that, incidentally, has its own contest.

9. "Order in the court!  Haha, get it, because everything is in disorder!  Hehehe, I crack myself up.  Of course, I better, because there's nobody else here.  God, I miss my wife."

8. "Is that flag touching the ground?  If it is, I have to burn it.  Oh, it's not?  Damn.  I really wanted to burn something."

7. "Where's Waldo?  It's me.  I'm Waldo.  I got older and stopped dressing like a fuckwad."

6. "Where'd that marmot go?  I'm gonna hit him with my hammer.  Gavel, hammer, whatever.  This isn't actually my job.  It's a post-apocalyptic world and I like running around to different places and pretending I'm in positions of power.  Everyone else is dead."

5. "What's that piece of string on the ground?  Oh, is that the cartoonist's signature?  Haha, that was funny.  That would really have cracked my wife up.  God, I miss her."

4. "Who spilled my orange juice!?!?!?!"

3. "It's a shame that this happened at such a groundbreaking trial.  I mean, the trial of the magical plant that could stay stiff and keep its pot apparently suspended in mid-air when it was turned upside-down on the ground.  It would've been one for the ages."

2. "The next item up for bid is lot #4619, two papers."

1. "Is that an iron on the ground?  Wow, that brings back memories of my wife.  She used to iron a lot.  Once I grabbed it from her and swung it around my head like a lariat and then smashed her face in with it.  I think the iron was on, too.  God, I miss her."