Top 6 Greatest "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" Moments

I friggin' love Conan O'Brien, and I am on the edge of my seat with excitement for him to take over The Tonight Show. To pump the rest of you up, let's take a look at a small selection of Conan at his most brilliant.

6. Conan Goes to Santa School

5. Triumph Interviews Star Wars Fans

4. Conan Forms a Boy Band

3. Conan Picks Apples with Mr. T

2. Conan Goes to Finland

1. Conan Plays Old-Time Baseball

25 EVEN MORE MEATBONES

Hey guys, I've been real busy with graduating and jet-setting around the country and all sorts of shit that you don't care about.  But what better way to announce my re-arrival with twenty-five more meatbones?  If you don't feel like clicking that, "meatbones" are situations or visuals that frequently crop up in fiction--especially cartoons--but which have little to no bearing on reality!  A lot of these came from other people, but I haven't documented that so scrupulously as I did last time.  Suffice to say, if you pointed one or more of these out to me, thanks!

25. A performer is bombing onstage, and a cane grabs him/her from the side and suddenly pulls him off.  His/her hat may be left behind.

24. Hunchbacks.  Everything about them.

23. A person is wearing a barrel because they are too poor to afford any clothes.

22. A bomb goes off in someone's face, and the only apparent damage is that their face is now covered in soot and their hair stands on end.  Optionally, they blink once afterwards.

21. A kangaroo wears boxing gloves.

20. Dogcatchers.  Everything about them.

19. Parents lying to their kids after a pet dies, claiming the pet went to a farm.

18. A kissing booth at a fair. (Has anyone ever seen one of these in real life?)

17. A dunk tank, especially one where a figure of authority (read: high school principal) is the dunkee.

16. Stealing someone's secret recipe, especially to win a baking competition.

15. A person lathers up a ton of sunscreen on his/her nose, rendering only the nose white while the rest of the skin looks normal.

14. A man is not at work or home because he has "Gone Fishin'".

13. A kid stuffs a towel under his door so he can read comic books with the flashlight on and his parents won't notice.

12. A "kick me" sign is placed on someone's back.

11. Murder mysteries.  Everything about them.

10. Someone at a party gets knocked into the pool, JUST at the point where everything is starting to get out of hand!

9. A lover throws a rock at a window to get the attention of his significant other.  It works!

8. A bad kid gets a lump of coal in his/her stocking for Christmas.

7. An elegant man's monocle pops off in surprise.

6. The freezer breaks, so everyone has to eat all the ice cream before it melts.

5. Someone announces plans to dig a hole to China, or attempts this, or succeeds.

4. A car stops, a body is thrown out, and the car continues on its way.

3. The end of a date is announced with a disapproving party declaring, "Check, please!"

2. A drunk person sees pink elephants.

1. A girl complains to a nice, sensitive guy about how she wishes she could meet more nice, sensitive guys.

Top 10 Best Quotes In This NY Times Article About Hugging

The New York Times printed this ludicrous article yesterday about a hugging epidemic in America's high schools. It filled me with the kind of outrage that blogging was invented to channel, so, here I am, back at the grindstone, my first post in over a week.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...)

10. “We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug. The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.”
This sounds eerily similar to how some people talk about orgies. Or gardening work.

9. “No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug. Witnessing this interaction always makes me feel like I am a tourist in a country where I do not know the customs and cannot speak the language.”
"...and I only have American dollars and American candy bars and American match sticks. And the natives all speaking in a click-clacking tongue... 'Do you Twitter?' they say! 'Facebook me!' I pray to my American god... it begins to rain."

8. “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory.”
It might lead to {BRISTOL PALIN JOKE}!!!

7. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”
...said Assistant Principal Stuffy McNeverbeentouched.

6. “We like to get cozy. The high-five is, like, boring.”
Jesus Christ, the younger generation is lame.

5. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”
"...Which brings me to the matter at hand--we need ACTUAL laws governing body touch and a lot LESS permissible access to other people's bodies! And so, meet our proposed amendment to the Constitution!"

4. “It’s something you grow up doing. But you don’t come up to a dude and hug, you start out with a handshake.”
Note: the best part about this quote is that in the Times article, it's followed by, "said Mazi Chiles, who is black." Amazing. What if every time there was an Obama quote, it was followed with, "who is black." Apparently, we NEED to be reminded of this stuff.

3. “Hugging is more common in my opinion in people who act like friends. It’s like air-kissing. It’s really superficial.”
Ohhhh, air-kissing. Up until that analogy, I was so confused. I just needed a point of reference. Thanks, Amy Heaton of Bethesda, Maryland.

2. “And it gets to that core that every person wants to feel cared for, regardless of your age or how cool you are or how cool you think you are."
Actually, I kind of buy that. Hugs are cool. It's just... a hug epidemic? In my day, it was pain pills and cough syrup and BJs in the art room. (Eds. note: Mostly lies.) The youth of America have lost their collective balls.

1. “I hug people I’m close to. But now you’re hugging people you don’t even know. Hugging used to mean something.”
Shit, man. Have we really reached a point where friggin' hugging is passé? Well, like disco, Beanie Babies, and that naked dude from the first Survivor, we can always look back on hugging and smile.

Top 2 Boys Who Are All Grown Up Today!

2. Rob Trump
Today is the day that Rob Trump graduates from Columbia College and enters the exciting-slash-crippling phase of real life they call "Real Life"! (If I were in his shoes right now, I'd probably go off and watch Kicking and Screaming a whole bunch. Also, if I were in his shoes right now, THOSE WOULD BE SOME CROWDED SHOES, HUH ROB!?)

Anyway, in honor of the man/the day/the moment, here is a brief history of Rob:

198? - Rob is born.
1989 - Rob learns to rant.
1991 - Rob makes his first million.
Later in 1991 - Rob loses his first million in a risky "exciting opportunity" investment.
1993 - Rob is drafted by the San Diego Chargers.
Later that day in 1993 - Rob refuses to play for the San Diego Chargers, his rights are traded to the New York Giants for two first round draft picks, a third rounder, and a fifth rounder in 1994.
1994 - Rob sweeps the Latin Grammys.
1997 - Rob publishes his first memoir, A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN.
1999 - Rob dies.
The next day, 1999 - Rob is buried.
The day after that, 1999 - On the third day, Rob rose again, in fulfillment of predictions made in his first memoir, A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN.
2000-2006 - Rob wanders the earth in search of one that is pure of heart.
2007 - Rob attends Space Camp, is granted his release from the New York Giants, and admits to using performance enhancing drugs. His Latin Grammys are forfeited.
2008 - Rob co-founds Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things.
2009 - Rob wins?!

1. My Dad
It's my Dad's birthday! Happy Birthday, Dad! This is the only time when it is okay for the Yankees to sweep the Twins. Also, congrats on beating surgery! Surgery came a-callin' and was all, "Hey Peter's Dad, I'm here to ruin your day." But my dad is too cool for that; he just goes, "LET IT BEGIN!" and then lightning crashed and everything. True story.

Here is a brief list of Medals of Excellence that my father has won:

1951 - Presidential Medal of Fitness Excellence
1957 - Town of Tonawanda All-Around Swell Guy Medal of Excellence
1964 - Our Lady of Czestochowa's Annual Pierogi Bake Medal of Piety (and Excellence)
1968 - The Students for a Democratic Society's Pancho Villa Memorial Medal of Excellence
1969 - The Beard Club of America's Medal of Barbaric Excellence
1972 - Medal of Honorary Excellence, presented by The Paratrooping English Professors' Brigade
1979 - The Ford Pinto Survival Club's Medal of Excellence
1982 - Medal of Fervor, presented by the National Congress of Poetic Ballplayers and Ballplaying Poets
1985 - Medal of Consistent Excellence, presented upon the birth of his fifth son by the National Society for the Protection and Promotion of Men
1989 - United Nations Medal of Diplomatic Excellence, presented upon his single-handed unification of Germany
1993 - The Western New York Mothers Against Youth Curveballs' Medal of Excellent Reticence
1995 - Snazzy Prof Mag's Annual Medal of Earring Excellence
1998 - The National Fiction Council's Medal of Excellence for Lifetime Achievement in Fiction and/or Story-Telling, presented following a month-long ruse regarding a pair of gold corncob holders I was supposed to receive for my birthday
2000 - The National Sawdust Council's Medal of Excellence for Lifetime Achievement in Pounds of Sawdust Produced
2003 - Rutherford B. Hayes Lookalike Club Medal of Excellence
2006 - Medal of Most Valuable Excellence, Buffalo Old Guy Hockey League
2009 - Medal of Total Friggin' Excellence, presented by Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things, for telling his class to visit our site.

Top 9 Resume Tips

9. Pitch a narrative.

Say you're applying for a job in advertising. Don't just be some run-of-the-mill copy writer. Be the most hated man in advertising. Be the copy writer's copy writer. Be a copy writer with a dark, enigmatic past. Don't be afraid to be somebody.

8. Ancillary degrees.

Don't forget that hard work you've put in! Space Camp, Clown College, Snickers Chewniversity... it all counts!

7. Novelty fonts!

You're... different! Different is good. (Or awful, actually, in certain industries.)

6. Highlight your attributes.

Let the employers know the things your personal job history doesn't tell them. Vertical leap, head size, number of arms, kicking power, charisma, ball-handling abilities. You have no idea how many good firms out there are looking for a high-jumping big-head who can hold onto the ball.

5. Bring the hype.

With that in mind, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get ahold of NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper. Have him do a few spots on you on ESPN, let the people know about your upside potential and your muscular backside.

4. Extracurriculars.

Employers want to know what kind of person you are between the hours of 5pm and 9am, too. Do you do volunteer work? Were you in the army? Have you traveled? Kill three birds with one fictional stone; say you volunteered for the Mexican Marines.

3. Inflate your stats.

No one checks references on grades... Guess what, little Mr. or Ms. State School! Looks like you just graduated from The Genius University Institute with Ultra-Super Platinum honors and a 5.0 GPA

2. Which The Wire character are you?

Seriously. Are you a street-wise lone wolf with his own moral code? Or maybe you're an unorthodox alcoholic who puts his work before chain of command. This is all incredibly important.

1. When all else fails, a reference from an industry giant doesn't hurt.

I got this one from Ron Shortsweather:

"Peter Mandy-Shinflecky is the man you want to see about the job of a lifetime. He grifted me for 11 million, and then he told me the truth. His heart is in the right place (his chest) and his mind is on the right thing (his money). When he orders a cocktail, he tells you an epic. When he tells you an epic, he spins you a yarn. When he knits you a sweater, you're thinking, "OH MY GOSH DID THS GUY JUST SAY HE WOOD MAKE ME A SWEATHEART?!" But in facultiality, he's just making you a cocktale. Tat's what's so's great's about Pietor Mendel-Lesbecky... he's always one step ahead of the game, always one game ahead of the man, always one man ahead of the..."

Top 8 Short Plays I Wrote Because I Want To Be Like Rob

Hey, so recently, Rob posted a list of short plays he wrote about important social issues. Well, I read it and was inspired (read: jealous), so I gave it a try of my own (read: will never be Rob). Pretty cool, right!?

8. "Infinity"

Stephen Hawking spins his wheelchair in place.

Stephen Hawking: Time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time...

Continue until time is done lasting a long time is done lasting a long time is done lasting a long time...

7. "Human Cloning"

A Republican senator accidentally trips into the Human Cloning machine. A duplicate Republican senator appears.

Both Republican Senators: I suddenly feel compelled to change my position on gay marriage!!!

They embrace and the world explodes. Its flaming shards spin backwards through time. A single drop of water (a tear?) falls from Heaven.

6. "Net Neutrality"

Wikipedia founder Jimbo Wales enters, in a flowing cape and flowing wig.

Jimbo Wales: REEEEEEDAAAAAAAACTEEEEEEEED!

Jimbo Wales is devoured by a dinosaur.

5. "What Really Matters"

A man and a woman are in the midst of a heated argument.

Man: Sweet!

Woman: Salty!

Man: SWEET!

Woman: SALTY!

Dennis McIssues: (enters) Guys, guys, come on... peace in the Middle East.

The man and the woman knock out Dennis McIssues and enjoy a bag of Sweet n' Salty Chex Mix together.

4. "An Artist's Voice"

In front of a closed curtain, a woman dressed in black and wearing a beret writes feverishly in her notebook. She slams the notebook shut and pumps her fist.

The Artist: THIS is a truly original idea! I have found my place!

The curtain rises, revealing one million other artists, frozen in the same position. All break freeze and begin consuming each other to the sound of Train's "Calling All Angels".

3. "The Coming Technological Singularity"

All the robots in the world make love until they give birth to the new age.

2. "Steroids"

Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, and all those other bastards enter. They all have huge breasts under their baseball uniforms.

All: WE WON THE WORLD SERIES!

Barry Bonds: ...of having breasts!

Musical number: "There IS Crying in Baseball".

1. "The War on Drugs"

Two teens sit on a park bench. One smokes a joint, the other bounces a basketball.

Joint Teen: I am high on drugs!

Basketball Teen: I am high on life!

A DEA agent enters and shoots both teens.

DEA Agent: I am high on death!

Curtain.

Top 23 Other Baseball Metaphors For Sex

It is May and baseball season is in full effect! You know that old thing about baseball being a metaphor for sex? Y'know, first base is kissing, second base is heavy petting, etc... Well, it kind of falls apart once you get to the shortstop. But I got to thinking, what about other baseball terms? They must have some sort of sexual analog too, right? Now, I'm not saying that I came up with the definitions or anything, but... well... just think of the possibilities!

23. a ground rule double

22. getting caught in a run-down

21. a ball in the dirt

20. a pinch runner

19. a throwing error

18. getting hit by the pitch

17. bringing in a relief pitcher

16. seventh inning stretch

15. arguing balls and strikes with the umpire

14. rolling out the tarp during a rain delay 

13. fouling out

12. the mercy/slaughter rule

11. the infield fly rule

10. a fielder's choice

9. a sacrifice bunt

8. playing on astroturf

7. going into extra innings

6. a grounder through Billy Buckner's legs

5. a walk

4. a bases loaded walk

3. a bases loaded walk in the bottom of the ninth with the score tied

2. having sex on a baseball field

1. a balk

Top 24 Hours During Which Fruit Paunch Will Be Doing Improv In the Next Day

Hey! Today is the day when the Columbia improv group Fruit Paunch begins the grueling, college-defining, and wholly unnecessary feat known as the 24 Hour Show. That means that if at any time between 5 o'clock on May 8th and 5 o'clock on May 9th you want to see some good improv comedy (performed by people who may be either drunk, hungover, or suffering from heatstroke), you should go over to the grassy area on the right side of Low Library (on the Columbia campus, duh).

24. 5pm-6pm
This is today, 5/8/09.

23. 6pm-7pm

22. 7pm-8pm

21. 8pm-9pm

20. 9pm-10pm
This will most likely be the qualitatively best hour of comedy during the entire 24 hours, as determined by science.

19. 10pm-11pm
I was lying about science. That claim was entirely arbitrary.

18. 11pm-12am

17. 12am-1am
This is tomorrow, 5/9/09.

16. 1am-2am
At this point, a herd of almuni will descend upon the improv group. The alumni will have just seen Obsessed at the Magic Johnson Theater on 125th and most likely will be wasted. They will also be totally ready to improv.

15. 2am-3am
At this point, only alumni will be improv-ing. Every time a current member of the group walks into a scene, they will be shot with an improv gun.

14. 3am-4am

13. 4am-5am
At this point, at least one alumni will be hooking up with a freshman. I'm looking at you, Caitlin.

12. 5am-6am
If you are actually here at this point--as an audience member--you are a hero. If you are actually here at this point--as a member of the group--you deserve every shake and shiver.

11. 6am-7am

10. 7am-8am
Bagels and coffee would be a nice thing to bring 'round about now.

9. 8am-9am

8. 9am-10am

7. 10am-11am
Despite a sense of rejuvenation, this hour will be inexplicably shitty, unless the group spends it team-shaving its hairiest member.

6. 11am-12pm

5. 12pm-1pm
Rumor has it that legendary director Ang Lee might show up! He can almost speak the language!

4. 1pm-2pm

3. 2pm-3pm
Group president and graduating senior Colin Drummond has sworn to eat at least one of his fellow improv-ers during this hour.

2. 3pm-4pm
IMPROV MUSICAL HOUR! (Kidding... maybe!)

1. 4pm-5pm
Give yourselves a hand, kids. You did improv for 24 hours, and not even for like, charity or anything.

10 Short Plays Engaging Serious Social Issues that I Just Wrote

I recently shared with you my playwriting--a fun, goofy play about a murder mystery party. But I would like to let you all know that I'm not content to write only whimsy. I also write plays about serious social issues. Here are a few that I have just recently written:

10. "Consumer Culture"

A man stands facing away from the audience. He wears khakis and a red polo shirt with the collar popped.

MAN: Fuck L.L. Bean

A huge pile of diapers falls on his head.

9. "The War In Iraq"

Soldiers run across the stage. They run from stage right to stage left, then back to stage right. Then they run to stage left again, then back to stage right. Then they run to stage left and pause. Then they run to stage right and pause.

SOLDIER: War is tediou--

The entire stage explodes.

8. "Capitalism"

A rich-looking man with a top hat, a moustache, and a monocle walks onstage. On top his hat is a massive sign that says, "CAPITALISM" with an arrow pointing downward at him.

MAN: My name is Capitalism. I am unreliable, like capitalism.

7. "Sex Ed"

Five hundred actors have an orgy onstage. They don't stop until either the entire audience has left or all of the actors have died of starvation.

6. "We Have Raped and Pillaged the Lands of the Native Americans"

The actors perform the play "Our Town" in its entirety, but in place of every occurence of the word "the," they sing "On Top of Old Smokey" in its entirety.

5. "Suspension of Habeus Corpus"

An audience member stumbles onstage and vomits. There is no plant--this play just continues in silence until an audience member spontaneously does this.

4. "Red, White and Blue"

CHARLIE SHEEN: (singing) Men men men men manly men men men men men men men manly men men men--

JON CRYER: (joining in) Men men men men manly men, men men men men men manly men--

CHARLIE BROWN: (getting into it) Men men men men men men men--

JON FAVREAU: (licking his sneakers) Men men men men men men men manly men men manly men--

PIOTR TCHAIKOVSKY: (crying into a donut) Men men men manly manly men manly men--

JAMES GARFIELD: (pissing blood) Men manly men manly manly manly men--

ALL THE MEN IN THE WORLD: (silence)

3. "The American Family in the Age of Obama"

Footage of the Holocaust with fart noises.

2. "Proposition 8"

Three Asian men walk into a bar.

ALL THREE ASIAN MEN: Let's get married to each other!

ALL THREE ASIAN MEN: But we're already married to our jobs!

ALL THREE ASIAN MEN: I disagree!

1. "A World Without Abortion"

BRISTOL PALIN: (like a duck) MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Top Two Things My Friends Did That You Should Vote For Because They're In Contests

2. Colin Drummond and Others Made a Video About Farts

Click here to declare this the funniest video about farts and fart machines (which it is)! The correct vote is 10/10 in all categories.

Now, with the classy one out of the way...

1. Dan Trepanier Dressed Like the Stylish Sexy Man He Is

If you are currently wearing clothes, Dan is currently wearing better ones and looking nicer. If you are not currently wearing clothes, Dan is currently wearing better ones but not necessarily looking nicer because naked people are pretty hott. In either case, you dont have to change your current state of dress or undress to vote for him as Esquire's Best Dressed Man!

Top Two Videos that Together Constitute a Play I Wrote and Directed

First of all, congrats to anyone and everyone who worked on the 115th Annual Varsity Show! It was great and I loved it, and imagining the pride you guys must have felt made me jealous that I wasn't involved this year. As a consolation to myself, here is a short (20 min.) play that I recently wrote and directed (which is partially to blame for my list absenteeism), and that I had a lot of fun doing!

The camerawork is mine and it blows!

1. Murder Mystery (Part 1)

2. Murder Mystery (Part 2)

Top 13 People Celebrating Birthdays Today

Hey! Today is a great day to be born! There sure were some great people born on this day! And if by chance you happen to be turning 23 and are in any way doubting the fact that 23 is a great number, here is proof that it is, in fact, the GREATEST number!

13. Craig David
Hey, remember Craig David! (Craig David sure does...)

12. Bernard Pivot
This is the French journalist who inspired James Lipton to start using the Proust Questionnaire on Inside the Actors Studio. His last name is also basically the Russian word for beer.

11. Brian Williams
NBC Nightly News anchor, SNL host, frequent guest on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, makes $10,000,000 a year... dropped out of college. So, kids, if you're looking for a slam dunk closing argument to your "Mom and Dad, college and I aren't working out" speech, look no further than Brian Douglas Williams.

10. Tammy Wynette
Here is a secret. I have a deep love for country music. Like, real country. Like Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, George Jones. And the First Lady of Country Music, Tammy Wynette. There. I said it. I feel better now. PS, yeah, "Stand By Your Man" is iconic (and depressing), but it's not like Tammy didn't sing about the flip side of the coin in "D-I-V-O-R-C-E". Oh man, that song rules (slash kills me)...

9. Roger Rees
Wow, there's gonna be a bunch of Brits on this list. Brit-list. Neat. Roger Rees is an actor who I like for two reasons. Reason One: he played Robin, that British tycoon dude on Cheers. Reason Two: he played Lord John Marbury, that British ambassador dude on The West Wing. That alone is deserving of some sort of award/castle/castle-shaped-award.

8. Tina Yothers
Played the youngest Keaton daughter on Family Ties. (The one that wasn't Justine Bateman.) I have some thoughts. A) Family Ties had one of those once-in-a-lifetime casts... Baxter-Birney, Gross, Bateman, J. Fox, and Yothers? Yeah... try getting that together today. IN THIS ECONOMY!? B) Family Ties, as I was recently reminded, had a seriously great theme song. C) These sentences, from Tina Yother's wiki-article, are sad: "After a nine year absence from acting, Yothers was given the lead role in Lovelace the Musical, a 2004 stage show based on the life of former pornographic movie star Linda Lovelace. She followed that up with a stint as a stock player in the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater in Boca Raton, Florida from 2005 to 2007."

7. Michael Palin
Um, way to have the coolest career, Michael Palin. You were part of Monty Python, you wrote the Spanish Inquisition Sketch, you were in Brazil, and Time Bandits, and A Fish Called Wanda, and now you're a travel writer. PLUS YOU'RE IN TALKS TO PLAY DON QUIXOTE IN THE RELAUNCH OF THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE!?!?!

6. Danielle Fishel
You don't remember Danielle Fishel? What is wrong with you. Were you not alive in the mid to late 90's, while our nation had fallen madly in love with Topanga, the sometime-girlfriend/all-time-ridiculous-named-girl of Cory Matthews on Boy Meets World. This was our youth, America. (BTW, Tina Yothers was no Danielle Fishel.)

5. John Rhys-Davies
More Brits! John Rhys-Davies is one of those dudes who is constantly called upon to play things that he is not... like an Arab archaeologist (Sallah, Indiana Jones films), a Russian general (Pushkin, The Living Daylights), and a dwarf (Gmili, The Lord of the Rings trilogy). Well done, John, you ethnic chameleon!

4. Soren Kierkegaard
Sure, he was the father of Existentialism, but did you know that he was ALSO the uncle of Discordianism, the second-cousin of Libertarianism, and the great-great-great-grandmother of Emo? (I originally typed that as "Elmo" and considered leaving it that way for about four seconds.)

3. Karl Marx
Here are three things about Karl Marx. One of them is a lie. First, of the six kids he had, four were named Jenny. Second, Karl Marx invented the beard. Third, back in the day when I was a bigger loser than I am now, I would walk around with quotes in my wallet, things I found particularly true or incisive or whatever. Anyway, I always liked this one: "The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways—the point, however, is to change it."

2. Nellie Bly
Nellie Bly is legit one of the coolest people of all time. At the age of friggin' 23 (23!?!), she convinced Joseph Pulitzer to let her go undercover in the Women's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island to expose the injustices and atrocities being committed there. She PRETENDED TO BE INSANE for the sake of JOURNALISM! Then, she made a trip around the world--setting the record in the process, of course; she completed the journey in 72 days. THEN, she married a millionaire, became the president of a steel company, and invented a better steel barrel. Oh, also, Abby Bartlett gives a super-impassioned speech about her on The West Wing. (Because it all has to come back to The West Wing somehow.)

1. Lakshmi!
Happy Birthday, Laksh! We here at PaRMLoT hope you have both the best day and the best year!