Top 13 Onion News Network Videos

Alright, so right now I'm interning at the Onion News Network, which basically means it's my job to watch their funny videos and update various databases of information about their funny videos.  So I have watched a lot of their funny videos.  Here are their best funny videos.

13.  Historic 'Blockbuster' Store Offers Glimpse of How Movies Were Rented in the Past

Historic �Blockbuster� Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past

12. In the Know: Was There Too Much Sex and Profanity in the HBO Presidential Debate?

Was There Too Much Sex And Profanity In The HBO Presidential Debate?

11. FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan

FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It�s Alyson Hannigan

10. NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

9. Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line

Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line

8. 'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play a Character Playing 'Warcraft'

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

7. In the Know: Is the Government Spying on Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

6. Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

5. Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters in Crucial Swing State

Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State

4. New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On the Go

New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On The Go

3. Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

2. In the Know: Should the Government Stop Dumping Money Into a Giant Hole?

In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

1. Congress Debates Merits of New Catchphrase

Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase

Top 20 Fake People

20. Joe Bloggs

This is the British version of John Doe and it has the word “blog” in it, so it’s as good a place to start as any.

19. John Doe

Hey, John Doe. We were just talking about you. How’s your sister/wife Jane? PS: You killed so many people in the movie Seven! How many exactly? Spoiler! Not seven!

18. John Q. Public

This has more of an average-American connotation than John Doe… which more often than not connotes dead-or-missing-guy.

17. Ola Nordman (or Erika Musterman, in Germany)

Other countries… they’re just like us! (Only their average guys have different names!)

16. Tommy Atkins

You’re right, Brits… your average army-man needs his own average-sounding name! It’s no wonder you won all those World Wars on your own. Oh, wait. JK… (The “Rowling” is implied.)

15. Israeli Israeli

This guy is distant cousins with Brooklyn Brooklyn and someday hopes to share a condo with Boca Raton Boca Raton.

14. Walter Plinge

Okay, now we get into actually interesting people. This is what happens when a British actor doesn’t want to be credited in the program(me)… they go by this name! Haha—how delightful!

13. George Spelvin

This is the same, only American, and therefore, more just and free. (Also, Christopher Durang named a character in a one-act "George Spelvin". Oh, Chris… you would.)

12. David Agnew

This is the same, only for a BBC writer who is contractually obligated not to use his real name. Apparently it’s all the rage in the Dr. Who-niverse. PS: Someone explain Dr. Who to me. I hear it’s good, but seriously, I have so little time.

11. Alan Smithee

This is once again the same, only it’s used by American film directors who don’t want to be associated with a particular film. Actual credits include several episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures and the music video for Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”!

10. Allegra Coleman

Fake model/actress invented by Esquire, portrayed by Ali Larter. Oh, Ms. Larter… remember when you were just happy enough to wear a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues. Oh wait, that was three years after this hoax. Um… yikes?

9. Lazlo Toth

So there’s a guy named Don Novello. He used to play Father Guido Sarducci on SNL. He also used to write letters to CEOs under the name Lazlo Toth (as in Laszlo Toth, the dude who tried to kill the Pieta with a chisel). Ah, life.

8. Wanda Tinasky

In short, Ms. Tinasky was a fake bag lady who wrote charming but vitriolic letters to various Northern California newspapers… she was thought to be the creation of Thomas Pynchon, but now it’s believed that she was the brainchild of peripheral Beat poet, Tom Hawkins.

7. Ted L. Nancy

Not Jerry Seinfeld, as so many believed. Still damn funny.

6. The man on the Clapham omnibus (or in Australia, The man on the Bondi Tram)

Am I the only one who finds this phrase indescribably creepy?

5. P.D.Q. Bach

Fictional son of J.S. Bach, invented by Peter Schickele. There’s really nothing like classical musicians telling jokes. Nothing. Nothing like it in the world.

4. Donald Kaufman

HE WON AN OSCAR, PEOPLE. And Donald, we’re all still waiting on The Three… even though it was basically the same plot as Identity. (Go ahead, Peter… collect your Not-Even-the-Fiftieth-Person-to-Say-That Award.)

3. S. Morgenstern

HE WROTE THE PRINCESS BRIDE, PEOPLE. Well, so says William Goldman. But how badass of a first name is S? (Answer: No less badass than using S as your entire middle name… Harry S. Truman.)

2. Taro Tsujimoto

Fictional hockey player drafted in 1974 by Buffalo Sabres general manager Punch Imlach—BECAUSE HE WAS ANNOYED AT HOW LONG THE DRAFT WAS TAKING. “Oh, man… this sandwich is taking so long to be made. I’m just going to invent a person.” Oh, wait… I do that all the time.

1. Sidd Finch

UM, HEY EVERYONE. Sidd Finch is the best thing ever. George Plimpton made him up as part of a Sports Illustrated April Fools’ Day hoax. He was a New York Mets prospect, raised in the Himalayas, schooled in the ways of Buddhism… and impressively gifted with a 168-mph fastball. Plimpton went on to write a book about his creation. I swear to God, you have to read it.

Top 21 Phrases To Avoid on a 1st Date

Ugh, kiddos. It has been a while. I'll be better about posting more soon, I promise. I am in the maelstrom of grad school things. That is not even an excuse. I just wanted to say maelstrom. Sometimes we say things we don't mean to. 

FOR INSTANCE...

21. "colorless, viscous substance"

20. "my little amateur taxidermy hobby"

19. "exciting opportunities in human trafficking"

18. "the periodic need to shave my knee beards"

17. "my family friend Joseph Goebbels"

16. "my old school chum Rod Blagojevich"

15. "that adorable son-of-a-gun Pol Pot"

14. "debilitating scratch-off addiction"

13. "those who know about the programs are the ones who get the money!!!!!"

12. "the inherent joy of arson"

11. "many deer died that day... for my freedom!"

10. "for a Thai prison, the mood was rather effervescent"

9. "as black sites go, it was totally cheery"

8. "for a convicted felon, I'm a great cook"

7. "professional cat tossing"

6. "wanted by several bounty hunters"

5. "delightfully agoraphobic"

4. "more than four problems"

3. "during my brief stint as a fluffer"

2. "during my lengthy career as a fluffer"

1. "I am still currently employed as a fluffer"

Top 6 Pairs of People or Things I Often Get Confused With Each Other When I Really Shouldn't

6. Gary Cole and William Fitchner

I seriously only recently discovered that these guys are two different actors.  Honestly, see if you do better than me on this quiz.  Which one of these guys plays...

a) the boss in Office Space?

b) the bank owner at the start of The Dark Knight?

c) the Colonel who wants to blow up the asteroid even if it kills the dudes in Armageddon?

d) the bad guy in Pineapple Express?

Done?  Okay, the correct answer is that they're the same person and they both play all of those.

5. Cottage cheese and cream cheese

Sometimes it just takes me a few seconds to figure out which one of these I want to say, okay?  And sometimes I accidentally say the wrong one first, OKAY???

4. Phyllis Diller and Bea Arthur

All I really know about either of these women (other than that they're female comedians) is that when I think of either of them I think of this picture:

I'm actually not sure which one of them that is.

3. Seth Green and Seth Meyers

I do this one a lot, and I've noticed that almost nobody else does.  Seriously, it's a really easy mistake to make!  They're both short little winking-boyish-faced comedians named Seth.  Stop making fun of me when I mention Seth Meyers' cameos on Entourage or say that I'm underwhelmed by Seth Green on Weekend Update.

2. William Butler Yeats and John Keats

I know they don't even rhyme, but their last names do look really similar on the page.  Which one wrote "Ode on a Grecian Urn"?  Damned if I know.

1. H. L. Mencken and H. P. Lovecraft

Want to know how frequently I confuse these guys?  When I was thinking of who I often confuse H.P. Lovecraft with (hangin' preps no regrets), I realized that the person that I was thinking of was actually H. L. Mencken.   I can't even remember who is who when I am thinking about how often I confuse one of them with someone else.  (Note: When I was thinking about who I often confuse Lovecraft with--but I was really thinking of Mencken--I was thinking that it must be either H. G. Wells or H. R. Geiger.  What is with the two-letter-and-a-last-name construction and weird dudes who are somehow involved in science fiction.  Wait, no, Lovecraft isn't a science fiction writer, that's Mencken, right?  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

25 More Meatbones

First off, thanks a lot to those who came and saw me yesterday.  I pledge now to stop using this blog as a place to plug my own stand-up. Now, onto the list!!!

Several months ago, PaRMLoT gave you meatbones, which are fictional or cartoony situations and images that would seem to represent real life but are in reality very uncommon in real life.  Read some from the linked list if you want to get the feel of it.  This is a term that needs spreading, so here are some more!  (Credit if I remember who came up with them)

25. A spherical bomb with a wick on top

(Credit to Dylan Love)

24. A kid bunches up some clothes under the sheets to make it look like he or she is still sleeping while he or she escapes out the window to go do something he or she shouldn't.  Extra points if Mom walks in and talks to the clothes for at least a few minutes before realizing it's not the kid.

(Credit to Rachel Leopold)

23. Doctor's perscription is "Take two and call me in the morning."

22. Kids stand on each others' shoulders and put on a trenchcoat to imitate an adult

(Credit to this fantastic Onion article, which is a veritble goldmine of meatbones.  In fact, credit to that article for the next five as well)

22. A kangaroo in boxing gloves

21. A person accidentally gets stuck in wet cement

20. A fat woman chases someone with a rolling pin

19. Stepping on a board which smacks you in the face

18. A piano falling on a person

(Actually, credit to both the Onion article and Carly Hoogendyk for that one)

17. An anvil falls on someone.  Honestly, an anvil anywhere outside of a blacksmith's residence.

(Credit to Carly Hoogendyk again)

16. A nerd insists that you not call his action figure a doll

15. Science fair projects and "the big science fair," especially if said project is a diorama of the solar system or a baking soda volcano

(Credit to Rachel Leopold)

14. A fruit cart gets upset by a chase that blows past it through the town square

13. A person upsets a beehive and the bees immediately chase the person everywhere no matter how far they run.  Bonus points if the beehive ends up on their head.

12. People get drunk from a jug of moonshine that has "XXX" on the side of it.  Bonus points if they play the jug after they are done drinking.

(Credit to Sarah Dooley)

11. A person walking along the street sees a newspaper on the ground open to a headline that gives them information they ought to have but don't have yet.  Then the person grabs the newspaper and runs somewhere.

(Credit to Jeff Schwartz)

10. A nerd wears glasses with a piece of tape to hold the together in the middle.

(Credit to Rachel Leopold)

9. Mad scientists.  Every goddamn thing imaginable about them

8. Guy thinking about baseball to prevent himself from having an orgasm

7. A person runs off, leaving a cloud of dust behind him or her.  Bonus points if the cloud of dust is in the shape of the person right before he or she took off.

(Credit to Carly Hoogendyk)

6. A person runs off a cliff but stays level with the cliff and runs forward until he or she looks down, at which point in time that person finally falls--straight down.

(Credit to Rami)

5. A kid runs away from home carrying only a red-with-white-spots knapsack tied to a stick

(Credit to Sarah Dooley)

4. A hungry person imagines another person as a piece of food, incorporating elements of their appearance into what type of food it is.  (E.g. a mohawked person becomes a pineapple)

(Credit to Rami)

3. A person gets thrown through a wall, leaving the wall completely intact except for an outline of the person's body as they went through the wall.  Note: people only ever go through walls with their arms and legs completely spread-eagle.

(Credit to Colin Drummond)

2. A dog ate a kid's homework

1. A kid who didn't do his homework lies and claims that a dog ate it.

That last one is a MEATBONE WITHIN A MEATBONE, also known as a META-MEATBONE or a METABONE!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I CAN DIE HAPPY!!!!!!

Also: feed us more meatbones and the saga will one day continue!!!!!

Top 5 Reasons to Call This Number: 212-757-4100 and Reserve a Ticket to See Me

Okay, I am guilty of over-using this blog to plug my own stand-up gigs, and I will be the first to admit it.  That said, tomorrow evening (1/26/09, 9:30 PM), I will be at Caroline's, which is not only one of the best comedy clubs in New York but one of the best in the country.  I'm not saying I did much special to get this--it's a new talent night, so it's not that hard to get on the roster--but it certainly will be the best place I've performed at, and I'd love for YOU to come.  (A secret: Nobody else can read those last six words but you.)  Here's why:

5. The other people on the roster are reliably good

I attended a Caroline's new talent night this summer, and I was very impressed by a handful of new comedians that had nothing to do with the act I was going to see.  It's a "New Talent Night," but the comics who perform aren't new performers--in short, the quality is waaaaaaay above what you'd get at an open mic.  Also, sometimes established comics drop in to try new material.

4. It's a really nice venue, and they make me a DVD

I don't know if you've ever been to Caroline's, but it's a really great place.  It's big and looks great inside and has a super-classy almost-argyle print on the wall behind the performers.  Here's a picture of Kristen Schaal performing there:

What's more, they make a very nice recording of the performers there that they can use as a video resume of their stand-up.  I don't currently have a good recording of myself doing stand-up, so this would be really great for me.

3. It's only $5 if you call this number (212-757-4100) and say that you're coming to see me

That's a pretty good deal for somewhere between 60 and 90 minutes of good stand-up in 6-minute chunks.  Oh okay, there's also a two-drink minimum.

2. It will be my best material

I'll only be on for 6 minutes, and likely if you've seen me do any stand-up before, at least some of it will overlap with what you've seen.  Come anyway if you enjoyed what you've seen, and at least a few of the bits will probably be ones you haven't.

If you haven't seen me before, my hilarity will BLOW YOUR MIND.

1. Because you love me

Part of how you get this gig is as a bringer event--I pledged that at least 15 people would come see me.  So, if you do it for no other reason, call to make sure I meet my quota.  I WILL NEVER ASK YOU OF ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

Top 15 Symbols That Will Probably Never Be Used to Represent Any Religion

Christians have the cross.  Jews have the star.  Muslims have that star-and-crescent thing that seems to have a star somewhat improbably covering part of the moon.  But I'm guessing that no religion will ever start using any of the following...

15. The copyright symbol

14. The biohazard symbol

13. The jolly roger

  

12. The men's bathroom symbol

It would manage to be both be exclusionarily sexist and demeaning to your own religion.

11. The smiley face

10. The smiley emoticon

9. The international symbol of marriage

I apologize for how mind-numbingly stupid that one is, but it's like the fifth thing you get if you Google "symbol," and I thought I ought to share about the dumbest visual joke I have ever seen.

8. The Batman symbol

7. The Ouroboros

Not because it's not an awesome symbol--it is--but most of the religious meetings would degenerate into discussions of how the hell to pronounce this damn word.

6. Quincunx

Similar to the above, but with the added possibility of accidentally saying "cunt" when you pronounce it wrong.

5. The fasces

And here is where the name problems reach a head.  I don't know if it's worse that it sounds like "fascist" or worse that it sounds like "feces"

4. The "Caution: Wet Floor" sign

3. The peace sign

This part is my biting satire because religion is antithetical to peace. B-)

2. The chemical symbol for iron

1. The swastika.

Oh, wait, never mind.

Top 23 Literary Characters Chosen in a Literary Character Fantasy Baseball Draft

Pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training in two weeks!

23. Sal Paradise, right field

22. Amory Blaine, first base

21. Newland Archer, pitcher

20. John Yossarian, pitcher

19. Leo Proudhammer, left field

18. Quentin Compson, catcher

17. Coalhouse Walker, left field

16. Dean Moriarty, closer

15. Eugene Gant, middle relief

14. Michael Pemulis, pitcher

13. Macon "Milkman" Dead III, third base

12. Tyrone Slothrop, third base

11. Billy Pilgrim, centerfield

10. Rabbit Angstrom, utility infielder

9. Pedro Romero, first base

8. Bigger Thomas, right field

7. Seymour Glass, closer

6. Saleem Sinai, second base

5. Aureliano Buendia, shortstop

4. Jake Barnes, catcher

3. Nick Carraway, third base

2. Alexander Portnoy, centerfield

1. Philip Marlowe, pitcher

Top 10 Reasons Bruce Springsteen's "Jungleland" Rules So Hard

This might, I repeat, might, be my favorite Springsteen song. Here's why.

10. The inclusive “We”

Springsteen has flashed this sword before, to be sure. Let us not forget, “tramps like us, baby, WE were born to run.” He draws you in like an expert salesman, enfolding you in his bellowed third-person, denying you an escape to an anonymous existence in which you are not a Bruce Springsteen character. “We take our stand down in Jungleland.” It’s a battlecry, it’s a prologue, it’s perfect. Only The Hold Steady have gotten close to this sort of forced audience participation, and even then, you know who they bought their tools from…

9. The Barefoot Girl is easily the most enigmatic and engaging Springsteenesque heroine.

Come on… is there an image more inviting than a girl sitting on a car, drinking warm beer in the rain. It’s a portrait of ease, of carefreeness. And yet, of need. No one sits on the hood of a Dodge in the rain unless they want some handsome stranger to walk over and sit down next to them.

8. Phrases that you don’t recognize but totally understand

Oh, right. “Maximum lawmen”… “cherry tops”… “a real death waltz”. Yeah, I don’t get it. But I get it. (I guess that’s like, called poetry, or something.)

7. Clarence Clemons

Even if you don’t like the saxophone, you have to admit that this is the best, most soaring, most achingly passionate sax solo ever.

6. Suki Lahav

Those first 43 notes on the violin are the definition of iconic. You hear those notes and you say, “Well, guess I know what I’m doing with the next nine minutes and thirty three seconds of my life.”

5. Clarence Clemons + Suki Lahav

If you listen to the sax and violin interplay during the endless (and why would you want it to!) solo, you’ll notice the most fascinating instances of dissonance… in the battle of sax vs. violin, there is only one certainty—your heart wins. (It is like the opposite of Alien Vs. Predator.)

4. It’s set in New York.

And that is the equivalent of a good thing in my book. (My book is the Manhattan Island telephone directory!) No, for real. I love New York. I just realized that I’m going to be leaving it someday/soon/someday soon, and I am not entirely okay with the fact. This may be why I read the entirety of Netherland today.

3. It’s nine and a half friggin’ minutes long.

It’s basically a mini-opera. Not quite an operetta. An operettita. The short film version of opera. And honestly, I’ve heard it a million times and it still feels like it’s about 5:45. Six minutes, max. It’s that good. This song is so good it bends time.

2. The line “the poets down here don’t write nothing at all/they just stand back and let it all be”.

Aaaaah. I just… um… ya know? Like… just sit in that for a while.

1. Self-awareness

Honestly, despite all the trappings that recommend “Jungleland” for greatness, it could easily be a Meatloaf song. (Bloated length, plenty o’ bombast, E Street Band, etc…) This is not to damn Meatloaf. I love Meatloaf. I have Bat out of Hell on vinyl. I’m just saying there’s a reason no one karaokes with “Jungleland”. Maybe the same basic desperations and frustrations that fuel karaoke fuel the characters in this song. Maybe it’s simpler though… while Marvin “Meatloaf” Aday wrote about ecstatic flights of exaggerated American fancy bursting through the fires of hell and landing in a glorious cloud-bed of heavenly truth, The Boss wrote about people who had mundane, big dreams that led to beautiful, small failures. Springsteen knows what he’s edging on with his production values—it’s not too far from Broadway, musically or geographically, hence the “opera out on the turnpike”/”ballet being fought out in the alley” line. And yet despite the pomp, the solos, the wailing, the imagery… it’s a song about a boy who loved a girl but couldn’t stay alive long enough to make that love last.

Top 9 Egregious Errors in Today's Oscar Nominations

Nominations for the 81st Academy Awards, released this morning, have set the blogosphere abuzz.  Or at least I assume they have--I don't read blogs because I'm not a fucking loser.  In my wonderful social life, however, I do talk to people, and some of them have brought up objections to the nominations.

9. Category: Best Picture

Egregious omission: The Dark Knight

Come on, guys.  This is the populist opinion, the critical opinion, the film nerd opinion, and the most engaging, entertaining film this year if not in the last three or four years.

8. Category: Best Screenplay (Adapted)

Egregious omission: The Dark Knight

Not only the most quotable movie this year ("Some people just want to watch the world burn," "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear," "You complete me"), but also the most interesting moral quandaries anyone was put into on screen.

7. Category: Best Score

Egregious Omission: Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard's score for The Dark Knight

More viscerally tied to the onscreen action than any other score this year, this score is also great listening when you're not watching the movie.

6. Category: Best Supporting Actor

Egregious Omission: Gary Oldman in The Dark Knight

Look, I'm not saying Heath shouldn't have gotten nominated--he should've, and he should win--but to my mind, the relatable character who deals with the most interesting moral questions is Oldman's Gordon.  When you watch it the first time, he seems just like mostly the extremely good-guy foil to the darker heroes.  The second time you watch it, you start to appreciate how his transformation deals with darkness in his own way.

5. Category: Best Supporting Actress

Egregious Omission: Katie Holmes in The Dark Knight

What a transformation she went through for this movie!  She looks, acts, and feels like a completely different person in The Dark Knight than she did in Batman Begins, a complex reflection of the stresses she has undergone in her relationship with Batman.  Not a huge role, but such a stretch always deserves praise.

4. Category: Foreign Language Film

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

The part of this movie that took place in Hong Kong and probably involved some Chinese was better than any stupid foreign films this year.

3. Category: Best Song

Egregious Omission: "All the Shit that the Joker Hums to Himself" in The Dark Knight

I have had it stuck in my head for days.

2. Category: Short Film (live action)

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and I assume this movie must have been very short.

1. Category: Documentary Feature

Egregious Omission: The Dark Knight

The most amazing part was that it was all true.

Top 20 Sentences Like "I Love You"

Guess what, dear PaRMLoT readers? WE LOVE YOU! Are we saying this just because we're filled with the joy and fervor of the Great New American Possibility? Well, yeah, that too! But also, we just plain friggin' loves ya. 

That brings me to a funny little thing. According to Google Analytics, someone searched the phrase "top 20 sentences like i love you" to get to this site. Well, sir or madam, you have not searched in vain!

20. I have a heart-boner for you.

19. I think you’re super-great in a let’s-have-sex-and-grow-old-together kind of way.

18. I am a battle-tank of affection for you.

17. “As you wish.”

16. I think we’ve really got something here, love-wise.

15. You have a tendency to put me into a very loving mental state. No worries, though—probably just chemicals.

14. You’re basically my whole deal.

13. “I’ve got two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a 1965 Colt .45 with a busted safety catch.”

12. I want to buy you a dress and a house and put you in them, one after the other. And then take the dress off? (And then take the house off?)

11. You are my new Barack Obama.

10. I am less than three of you. (Thanks, Rob!)

9. Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) I love. (I love who?) YOU, OBVIOUSLY.

8. (Robot voice) Love… does not compute… but if it did… I would have it… for you. Terminating... (Then, the robot explodes, because it has attempted to understand love.)

7. (Throw a ball at someone.) Them: What was that for? You: It was for me loving you.

6. (Slap someone in the face with a leather glove.) Them: Dude, what the fuck? You: My love for you—that’s what the fuck.

5. (Drop love bombs on someone’s country.) Them: AAAAAAAAAGH AIR RAID! You, shouted from a plane: MORE LIKE, LOVE RAID, LOVER!!!

4. (The next couple are sort of like math problems, because they involve substituting one variable for another!) If God is love, then I God you.

3. Consequently, if Clapton is God, then I Clapton you.

2. If you think Clapton is gay, then I gay you.

1. Finally, if you’re the kind of person who says that love is gay… I love you. DEAL WITH IT. 

Top 6 Mistakes on C-SPAN's Closed Captioning of the Inauguration

Hooray, America! And, as I was reminded watching C-SPAN on a Jumbotron, hooray C-SPAN for having 30 years of coverage! (Did you really need to leave that on while actually historic things were happening?) But most of all, hooray for whatever robot or idiot was doing the closed-captioning, because there is nothing more satisfying than watching a huge crowd laugh at a serious event because somebody was screwing up. Also, there were so many mistakes that there's no way I could get all of them, so feel free to submit your own if you were watching the Jumbotron or captioned C-SPAN at the time.

6. "Thy kingdom come, the will be done"

Note that I said "robot or idiot" in the prologue to this. That's because, well, what actual person wouldn't recognize this phrase, right? The Lord's Prayer has to be one of the most frequently-recited bits of English--how could you screw this up? It has to be some voice-recognition program, right? On the other hand...

5. "We have brought unnecessary change to Washington."

This one--what was really said was "a necessary change"--sorta convinced me that the captioning guy was in fact a guy and had an agenda.

4. "Senator Joseph R. Brighton"

You'd really think that the program or person would recognize the second-most important name in the ceremony today. You'd be wrong.

3. "A rock Hussein Obama"

You'd be very, very wrong.

2. "Land of teh pilgrim's pride"

A typo is a little pedestrian and nitpicky, but that doesn't change the fact that imagining Aretha Franklin using "leet" is hilarious.

1. "We can be sure that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shopping in heaven."

Rick Warren actually said "shouting," but I think we can all agree that this image is better.

Top 3 Reasons to Come See Calgary Whalers Present the Deck Today (Monday, January 19)

Occasionally I do these when I am going to perform some stand-up!  Hooray, these posts are ubiquitous and annoying!  The time is 8:30 PM and the place is Broadway Comedy Club.

3. Justin and Mike will be hosting like USUAL

They will be great hosts like they always are and great people and stuff and also maybe they will talk about the fact that their MADE follow-up has now aired even though I haven't actually seen it but I heard that it did air.  COOL.

2. Sam Grittner, Andrew Ward, For Richard Stands, Mancrush, and Mickey and Sandy will be there

Grittner has been there before, and he's very funny.  I haven't seen any of the rest of these groups before, but I'm sure they'll be great!

1. I will be doing a fully new 10 minutes

Yes these lists always end with me being self-important and telling you to come see me!  This time it will be 10 completely new minutes that you have never heard before! NICE.  Also though some of it might be kinda crappy since I've never done it before.  But some of it will be hilarious and all the more so for being so brand spanking new.  NICE AGAIN.

Top 2 Ideas That My Favorite Television Shows Stole From Me on Thursday

This is extremely self-centered, but like half of my lists are so I don't care.  On Thursday, both 30 Rock and The Colbert Report had ideas that were extremely similar to spec stuff I had written for the former show and The Daily Show.  Now I have to rewrite that stuff, so I'm going to complain.

2. A GE health care-centric plotline, with Kenneth never having been sick but then getting sick (30 Rock)

I think we can all agree, however, that my version of a GE health-care plotline was superior, because it included this exchange.

KENNETH

Whillikers, I just realized I’ve never been sick!  is this going to be like that one movie with Bruce Willis?

JACK

I can assure you, Kenneth, that this is going to be almost nothing like Hudson Hawk.

1. A joke about how the deep Iraqi cultural meaning of the journalist throwing his shoes at Bush was "I want to hit you with my shoes" (The Colbert Report)

Dammit, I wrote this joke as the center of a Stewart-Oliver discussion piece.

JOHN

Well, Jon, in Islamic parts of the world, throwing your shoe at someone’s head  has a very specific cultural meaning.

JON

And what is that?

JOHN

It means you would like that person to get hit in the head with a shoe.

Top 21 Places They Are Now

21. lying in wait - Bill Pullman 

20. selling hash for cash in Des Moines, Iowa - Melissa Joan Hart

19. perched ten-thousand feet above sea level, devouring a raw fish - Joe Rogan

18. right behind you! - Andrew Ridgley

17. weeping softly outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza - Kel

16. weeping softly inside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza - Kenan

15. locked in a cast-iron box, suspended above Trafalgar Square - Toni Basil

14. in suspended animation on a probe orbiting Saturn - Danielle Fishel

13. on an urgent mission to the nearest Arby's - Tommy Tutone 

12. waking up in a bed that isn't his, in clothes that don't belong to him - Kelsey Grammer

11. hosting "Hey There, Tacoma!" - Steve Perry

10. lingering, somewhere outside of Burbank - Tatum O’Neal

9. chief Nantucket Fact Checker for Nantucket Nectars, based in Nantucket, MA - Spinderella

8. claims adjuster to the stars - Fred Savage

7. currently starring in the stage-play "And What Do You Have to Say For Yourself, Mister Prime Minister?" in Paris, France - Tone Loc

6. exists only in your dreams - Larisa Oleynik

5. exists only in your worst nightmares - Lenny Kravitz

4. sleeping soundly at his ranch outside of Austin, TX, clothed entirely in meat - Lou Bega

3. imprisoned for a crime he did not commit - Joseph Gordon-Levitt

2. haunted by a past he cannot remember - Frankie Muniz

1. preoccupied with a sandwich he cannot finish - Doug Flutie